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female
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anonymous
writes: My daughter is a mature 17 with excellent grades and a good lifestyle. I've never had to deal with any problems with friends, drugs or school, and she is going to be an adult soon. She tells me all of her problems, but recently, she has told me that she has had feelings for a 31 year old for quite awhile now. She says that she wants to take it a step further now and see how she feels about being in a relationship with this man. I have met him once and he seems like a nice guy, but there is something that would make me feel like a bad parent if I said that she could go through with this. She is such a thinker and I am proud that she could come to me with this, but I she is so frustrated with this that she said that she really just wants to spend some time with this guy to see how things play out. As a friend to her, I want to tell her yes, but there is still that thought in the back of my head that is telling me that I would be a bad mother. If I say yes, under what conditions should I allow her to date him? If I say no, how do I break it to her? I would almost feel that I wasn't giving her a fair chance. Also, right now I have the control to watch the situation, but in just a few months, I won't be able to do that anymore. She will be on her own at college and will not need my guidance. She is really being as open as she can, and I feel that I should say yes to her so that she can feel out the situation with my help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): hello.... my name is mariah and i am 17. i kno this is a lil late but just thought i would put my opinion in....i am actually dating a 32 year old man who is completely amazing. Normally i would freak out at the thought of a 32 year old man dating a 17 year old but we have gotten to kno each other very well and i realize he is in this relationship for all the right reasons and hes not a bad or wierd guy for liking a 17 year old. in my opinion age does not matter as long as you know what you are doing and how you feel. it sounds to me like your daughter really likes this guy and probably has a reason. if she is really smart like you say then she should be able to judge whether or not he is the right guy for her. i think you should give it a chance if you didnt already, and get to kno the man. im sure if she wants it there must be something there!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007): i'm a 21 year old male seeing a 15 year old female. no-one thinks its right for us to be together but i cant help it ive been in many long relationships and she is more mature than some of the girls i know that are 18 to 25 she knows what she wants in life and i encourage her to go get it, age is a number thats it i think dating should be based on maturity but her parents dont. its wrong that if you find someone who wants to be with you as much as you do them someone tries to stop it i love her and i know for sure i do but it is hard to be together because of her parents and there are some guys that they might miss judge because of certain reasons that are really nice guys and would be good to girl he loves you just need to know what he wants her for his plans in life with her and if he really loves her i see no problem in it, but dont try to keep someone away from someone it just makes them want to see that certain someone more and they will see them somehow if they really love one another
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2006): yes. if she goes out with him she might find she doesnt really love him. But if she does.. then who the hell would be evil enough to get in the way of true love!?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): Lots of good advice below. I can tell you without a doubt--your daughter still needs your guidance and direction. I have a daughter (now 27) who at 17 years old, was a bright, mature girl, as well. For all her maturity, common sense and worldly smarts, my daughter still pondered some boneheaded poor choices with her life that I felt a morally obligated to intervene and guide her. I can also say, that my daughter now at 27 has a totally different, almost opposite worldview than she did at the age of 17. It was startling how she changed her whole perspective of life and how much more maturity and wisdom she gained in a few years. Take this into account when you lay your concerns and worries on the table and be upfront with her. Do it calmly, maturely and lovingly...then sit back and listen to what she says and keep your fingers crossed. by the way, where is her Dad in all this..he should be involved, as well.
Like many of the other Aunts on this page, I do question this older man's motives, dear. He could be the best guy in the world but why, why, why....a 17 year old?' Really, think about that. Why not a 23 year old, a 25 year old? Someone who has had a taste of life, someone who has life experience under her belt, her career established, someone who has developed and progressed into adulthood, someone who ha paid her own utility bills and her own rent, someone who has travelled, made friends in college and lived life a bit. All I have to say, is that any mature, clear thinking adult male would be running in the opposite direction from a 17 year old. If you can't convince her otherwise, perhaps point out to her that she's on the cusp of adulthood. She needs to learn how to become independant, make her own way in the world, have different, wonderful experiences. Perhaps this guy will want all that for her, as well. Perhaps, he looking for marriage and babies. Maybe not. Or.. Is this a case where it comes down to an older and mentally more devious adult, inveigling a teenage girl into a sexual relationship , not because he wants to "give" but because he wants to "take", without her explicit comprehension of what's she's really giving up. I'm not implying that this is happening here..I'm just opening this up for you to carefully mull over. You and your daughter's Dad need to team together, to find out, this pertinent information. Doing a discreet background check on this guy wouldn't hurt. First and foremost...do all you can to protect her and make sure she understands the implications of dating a man, and find out from his own mouth- what he wants with your daughter.
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female
reader, XxTEASERxX  +, writes (30 May 2006):
hiya hun..im 18 and currently goin out with a 32 yr old...i dont think its bad but then again i dont care what people think as long as we are ok...he may get called a pervert or wateva but age aint nothing but a number as long as the relationship is all good then i dont see a problem i will back anyones case with an age gap because i strongly believe that as long as you love each other and care for each other and not let anythin get inbetween them then its ok
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): ...'continue (still seventeen)So, ultimately, go with what I have suggested to you while incorporating Amelie2005 + Hopeful's advice into where it is needed and contemplate about martini's. Also, like Amelie2005 mentioned, be sure to voice your concerns. That way it will allow her to see the situation further in your perception.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): Amelie2005, definitely, that's exactly why I suggested her to speak to him the first place. ^. And it's a great thing you delve into those nitty gritty details. If I did that, it would take paragraphs upon paragraphs.
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female
reader, anastasia +, writes (30 May 2006):
She seems to have a sensible head on her shoulders from what you have said but she is still only a teenager and not long past the age of consent.I think the main worry is why would a 31 year old man want to go out with a teenage girl? Perhaps he is unable to hold down a mature stable relationship? Is he looking for a trophy girlfirend just to show off? or more disturbingly is he trying to replace a daughter he isn't allowed to see or who doesnt want to see him? I have seen it happen before. He could be a decent chap though who has grown to know her and fallen for her. The key thing is insist on meeting him and getting to know him, with an open mind. If he is a true and caring person and he really cares for her he will not mind you wanting too meet him, but if you find out anything worrying or notice anything worrying talk your daughter calmy. Tell her your concerns and why you are concerned and if she is a mature as she sounds she should hopefully listen, take it in and make a good and wise decision.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): (Still from the anonymous, seventeen year old, female reader....)
I personally disagree with the anonymous read who said "I know you need to let your kids go and make mistakes but she still has plenty of fun to be had and maybe you should encourage her not to grow up to quickly."
Rebuttal: If there's "still... plenty of fun to be had", then why should she hold back? She has many years of her life ahead of her, and what is there to lose? Her youth? No, not if the guy sincerely respected her decisions. He must clearly want to take things more slowly if he wanted to engage in relationship with a seventeen year old in the first place! Seriously, life is too short to take the safe route. Take a chance, actually LIVE your life, and make it worthwhile!
'Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.'
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There's just one more thing: Don't ever, ever say, try finding someone else your own age.
You'd just break her heart.
Trust me.
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And definitely avoid telling her to not grow up so quickly! Unless you want to be an elderly mother hen who hoovers over ever single aspect of her chicken's life! (Though, if you still wish to do so, you could mention that she should live life to the fullest and enjoy her youth while she can.)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): Well, to start with, I am seventeen year old girl who is rather infatuated with a man who's nineteen years my senior.
(Note: I am the person who wrote this question - http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-teacher-is-not-legal-but-i-am.html - apparently, the title is off)
Personally, I believe you wouldn't be considered a 'bad' parent, if you agreed to her terms. Yet, I could understand from your point of view how unsettling it'd be. You are very fortunate to have a good connection with your daughter, and judging from your post, she's an intelligent girl who thinks before takes action - which is also, another fortunate action on your behalf.
Ultimately, to alleviate your anxiety, I suggest you have long conversations with him in order to understand his personality better. How you plan the meetings with him is your choice. (I'm sure your daughter would approve, after all she did fell for him. And there shouldn't be anything to hide.) Nevertheless, knowing that he is "nice" guy and nothing else, wouldn't quite cut it as a main factor to make a final decision.
I'd prefer if you didn't say yes or no. It are just too many conflictions from that. Just tell her, to go with your head and heart. Is he really the type for her? Encourage her to think about the future with him, and whether or not she is prepared for it.
Yet... if you really, really must say something. Here's my thoughts on the matter: if you say....
yes: Avoid saying that you agree at all. You want her to be certain of her judgements, so instead, simply just mention the above.
no: Instead say, "I think you should wait until you're eighteen." Also, tell her if she truly admire this man, it certainly can wait. In addition, this will give her more time to explore the feelings and possible outcomes of this relationship.
However, as soon as she becomes legal, it'd better if you didn't make the decision for her. She's officially a grown woman, and no longer the protection of her parents. Then, step aside as a friend and offer her guidance if she asks for it. In the end, she will never regret you, and the mother/daughter bond with strengthen. If you are still concerned, just simple check-up questions like, "How is situation going between you two?" or "If you need anything, ask me, I'm willing to help you in any way I can." Thus, she'll be more inclined to update you on her progress, and you will feel safer and much, much better. So don't take your connection with your daughter for granted! Definitely use it to the max (yet avoid coming off as an over-protective parent. That way, it will give her more leeway to learn from her mistakes and develop skills necessary for sucess in life.)
Lastly, I hope these thoughts will come in handy to you, and the best of wishes for what may come.
Though I do not know you personally, I cannot be as precise as I would love to be. Therefore, please, do feel free adjust them so they would best suit you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): Your daughter does sound like she has a good head on her shoulders and is mature for her age. But is she 31 year old mature? Surely she wants different things from a relationship then he does. At 17 she can't legally do the things that he can. Don't feel like a bad mother for thinking it might not be a good idea. If I was one of her friends I'd be asking her to have a really good think about it too. What does she want from him? Is he prepared to give her that and not expect anything more? It isn't that an age difference is the wrong thing it's that she is probably getting into something that she might not be completly aware of. I know you need to let your kids go and make mistakes but she still has plenty of fun to be had and maybe you should encourage her not to grow up to quickly.
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female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (30 May 2006):
 It sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughter. Very trusting and mature which is really excellent, a lot of daughter's get scared to tell their mum's things like this so it is very positive that she feels comfortable to tell you these things.
In terms of it is right or wrong...that depends on personal views and morals.
In the eyes of the law she is technically old enough but certainly there are some considerations that go beyond that.
Why is she interested in someone much older? Why is he interested in her (in the sense that usually 30 something guys don't want to hang out with teenagers)? Where did they meet? etc
I would sit her down and ask her why she wants to date someone older and discuss some of the things that might come up because of the age gaps for example:
*She is still studying and planning for a career, he is well into his career
*He might be ready for marriage and children where she may not be for many more years, especially if she wants to further her education
*She might want to travel (study abroad, working holiday etc) where he may have already done that
*Differences in opinion, experience with the opposite sex, likes, dislikes, views etc.
Don't interrogate her, just discuss these things. Has she thought about the complications that can arise in dating someone a number of years older than her.
If she is still keen and wants to date him, I suggest that perhaps you invite him over for dinner and get to know him. See what he is after and how he feels about your daughter - you will be able to tell his real intentions.
It's important in this situation that you repay your daughter's trust but by the same token it is important that you question the motives of a 31 year old wanting to date a 17 year old as not all motives may be innocent.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): First, without saying anything about this, why would you feel it's wrong for her to date the 31 year old man?
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