A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:More than a year ago, I started dating a girl who I was exactly smitten by but wanted to see how things would progress. I was introduced to her via a friend so I really wanted to see where things would go. During the first few weeks, we got on somewhat well, but i wasn't too eager to make her my girlfriend. She however had the hots for me and our first kiss, was more because she didn't leave my house until early morning and we ended up kissing in bed - i didn't want sex though and had made it known so we didn't even attempt it.What followed after that was a brief period of getting to know each other. At certain points though, she made me feel "unworthy" by either not telling her friends everything i would have done or said, to save me from embarrassment or in public she disassociated herself from me. I called her out on it once and she had the defense that i looked like a "hobo" at the time. I was greatly offended but we worked it out.Just before we decided to go on a trip out of the country, she got an email from her ex who wanted her back. She showed me herself and this was an ex of 3 or 4 years but i took it lightly as i though someone who has moved on, has really moved on. We ended up going on the trip but during that period, I got hold of her phone and realized to my shock she was planning to leave me for that ex. I was deeply hurt and asked her about it as she was always texting during that time. We kind of worked it out and had a decent time right after but it's something that shook me.After that period, we came back home and during the course of 3 weeks, it was hell as she lied about not talking to him - whilst she did without dismissing him. I confronted her about why she was talking to him without telling him to go away and her defence was always that she was going to. At one point, we had a public altercation and when i decided to leave because i didn't want to make a scene, she forcefully held me and i ended up pushing her to free myself so it became a bit physical. I hurts me deeply the person I became in that instant. Afterwards she hinted I had it in me to be physically abusive. I was doubly hurt and nothing i could say to her about her having caused it by planning to cheat on me and then holding me down physically in public did not rub well with me. It was a messy affair for about 2 weeks until they eventually stopped talking.After a month, we then realized we were going to have a baby. How did this happen? During the first days I was opposed to sex. After we both were ok with it, we started having protected sex. She was very pushy about having it raw and i told her i didn't want it due to the risks it poses. After a while, i relented as she told me she would take the pill and there was no chance in hell she could be pregnant.When i found out we were going to have a baby, i was both shocked and happy to be honest so i made plans for us to work on our relationship and get married. We really were aware of the cracks here but i didn't want her to suffer alone or have bad thoughts. So we got married after a month of discovering about the baby. My birthday was a day before our wedding. She did not do anything for my birthday. I only discovered after about a week that she had absolutely no plan yet i was thinking it was going to be the best day of my life, celebrating my birthday and wedding altogether but nothing. After some confrontations, she then gave me a picture frame of my parents and siblings. (i am not in this particular picture.) Furthermore her friend makes wedding cakes so i know if she wanted that for me, a birthday would have been easy to get.During her pregnancy, we argued a lot and fought. I discovered some texts in her phone to her friend confiding how she can never spend money on me since she had done a lot for the ex, and even planned his birthdays months in advance. This was at a time when she was mad at me over something I had recently done. She cited that as the reason when i asked her the meaning of such things.Fast forward a couple of months of pure mental torture for me and unhappiness she gave birth to a very beautiful daughter. I absolutely love my kid. I am however on the verge of quitting the relationship, a month after the babt as i think we are just not compatible and i have been very unhappy and questioned everything about us being together via her obvious lack of affection and just us not being romantically on the same page.(The last thing to note is sex has been a big let down as well. She finds no joy in kissing yet everything for me starts there. We have tried to work it out but it's just different. She also likes to get slapped and beaten up - stuff that i can't stomach to say the least.)i would like to know anyone's thoughts about this situation and whether it'd be too soon to quit a month after the baby, am i being unfair given everything? Thank you, apologies for the long read.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2018): As an afterthought may I point out that you wooed this girl with a nice guy image.Now you have her in a place where she is vulnerable you want to drop her like a stone.Dont deceive yourself into thinking you saved her from herself.You didnt.You happen to have a competitive edge and you intended to see her ex off your territory.At that time you felt as though she was your territory.But now that she has the baby and is trying to adjust to motherhood you want to give her one almighty slap in the face by divorcing her.It's the your-not-good enough cry!You have picked the worst time to do a runner psychologically and mentally.You are just backing out because you havent got the courage to try to be a dad that sticks around.If she took the baby and ran off to the ex would you not be writing in to tell us you were heartbroken and wanted your wife and child back in your loving home!Except you arent loving enough to love her.You denigrate her and you need to think about why you are making excuses now.I am shocked and appalled that you cant even consider staying married for one year even if you never have sex again with each other.And of course this poor innocent woman has no idea that you are having this secret dialogue here with us.Dont you even feel a little hypocritical?You have no idea what love is in real life.You just want a short term fix to everything and I'll bet you not only pride yourself on getting what you want but also on being very clever about the way you go about it.I would cease all sex as soon as possible because I should hate for this poor woman to go through your rejection twice over as you simply dont seem to have what it takes to make a marriage work.Have you even talked to her about your fears about being a dad and a husband?Maybe you should sit her down and tell her that you are not cut out to be a father and husband and you want to end the relationship.Then let her take the baby and go back to her mothers.At least that way she can redirect her life.She gave up everything for you and it turns out you cant stand her so I agree you must go for a divorce and let the parents and inlaws know as soon as possible.It is better than you stewing on with resentment and you can dedicate yourself to creating another life for yourself that accepts you are both incompatible but you could still become good parents.Just be certain that it is not a case of post baby blues as this can come and go.It really is time to involve the rest of the family if you are certain that you cannot move forward together.It beggars belief that anyone with a brand new baby would even have time to remember a missed birthday cake, card and present.It is absurd and you are simply fishing for reasons to dislike her so I think maybe you should not be married longer than a year without sex and preferrably not even sharing a dwelling together as she must really be getting on your nerves.If I were cupid I would sincerely apologise to you for this sexual adventure gone wrong.All you can try to do is to learn how to be a good dad so that you can at least be proud of that achievement.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (17 August 2018):
 Too little, too late. You should have ended it at the beginning when it was clear you weren't too interested or compatible.
Marrying is a bad idea. Accept that this relationship is going nowhere and that marriage won't improve it. Children need healthy examples of relationships around them, not toxic or incompatible ones. Time to break up and work out the appropriate way to co-parent without being together - get it drawn up legally.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2018): Thank you for all your responses. I wish to respond to: "aunt honesty" to add some context about my grievances.I did not intend for my post to sound so bitter. First off about the birthday and wedding day, please understand wedding day in my culture resolves 90% around the husband. You basically go to the wife's family and pay money then you leave with the bride. Apart from inviting her relatives, there is not much else the bride does to be honest. Which is why I really expected her to come through for me, in some way. The picture frame she got me, came months later after a talk asking why she didn't bother at all. It's worth noting that for her birthday, I got her an expensive watch, few clothes even though it was during a very turbulent time because I really cared and was giving it a good shot.The issue about going through her phone is something that we agreed in the beginning of the relationship that it's a no holds barred setup. So to some degree I feel i didn't invade her privacy forcefully at the very least as she could also have my phone and use it how she wanted. Unfortunately, I did take advantage of this if i'm to be honest so yes, i shouldn't have been so suspicious and nosy in hindsight but my fears would always be confirmed each time.On becoming physical, alright then, I guess i am physical if not being so means not ever responding to physical stress. It's something i had never done and don't even want to. I have argued and fought but it was never physical, it's only this instance when this occurred and i want no repeat of it.For the record, I think me being there for my kid shows i am taking responsibility for the situation. I am just not going to the point of making it seem like I instigated some of it, i really was dealing in good faith.Lastly, on the birth control method - you would wonder how could be so naive right? Well, this was on the backdrop of her telling me it was very likely she couldn't have babies and so was instructed by her gynae to take a special pill called micronor that she swore by. I don't want to reveal too much about this situation here but from someone who was opposed to raw to start considering it, there was some serious swaying from her to be honest and reasons that at the time seemed foolproof.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 August 2018):
 It sounds like back at the beginning you are making out that she is the one that wanted you and you did not want her. In this case you should have ended it there and then!
Even getting to know each other you say she made you feel unworthy, so why did you remain with her? Did you think that little off yourself? You say she treated you bad yet you stuck around, I don't understand why you would do that?
On top of that why on earth decide to go on a trip with someone who makes you feel unworthy and someone you have no real interest in? I think you are making the story out to be that she trapped you, but you are an adult capable off making choices about who you want to be with. What made you think you had the right to go through this girls phone? You were only still getting to know each other and you invaded her privacy. Shame on you! You say it hurt you but you are still adamant that you had no real interest in this girl!
So she continued to lie and you continued to stay. I really don't understand why you would have made a choice like that so early on, it had disaster wrote all over it! I am glad it hurts you that you are capable of pushing over a woman. What kind of man does that? She is right you are capable of being physically abusive. It is not a normal reaction to push over a woman. It is classic abusive behavior how you go on to say that she caused it because she was planning on cheating! Own up to your own actions and don't blame other people! She did not force you to push her! I do hope you apologised to her!
No chance in hell she could get pregnant? Are you really that niave? Women fall pregnant on the pill all the time! I think you are blaming her for everything and not taking any responsibility for your own actions. You try and make it sound like you were respectful not sleeping with her on the first night, but it didn't take you long to change your mind! Pushy or not you should have said you where going to wear protection! Stop making excuses for every action that you do.
I can't believe that you would make plans to marry this woman so soon, with such a rocky start you both had. This must have been the silliest decision you have ever made! You knew about the cracks but just because you where both having a baby does not mean you should get married!
Your birthday was the day before your wedding and you really expected her to organize something? A day before the wedding? Yeah you obviously don't understand women to well. Was getting married not enough off a present? Well then again you didn't really love her did you? I can't believe you would make such a big deal to her about your birthday while she was planning a wedding! It shocks me that you actually argued with her over this, to me it sounds like you have no respect for her at all. You sound quite demanding as a partner, and you expect a lot! She made the effort last minute to get you something in the middle of planning her wedding, and yet you don't even sound grateful. Was it a milestone birthday? Could you not just have enjoyed the cake you were going to get the following day at your wedding? Do you realize how much preparation a bride does the day before her wedding? Sorry but you sound selfish and immature.
You fought while she was pregnant because yet again you invaded her privacy and went through her phone! Who does that? Gosh she must feel suffocated by you. You sound entitled and controlling! She gave you her reasons, yet she should not have to explain herself to you as this was a private conversation that you invaded! You really are sulking about a silly birthday aren't you! I think you need to grow up and fast!
Again through the pregnancy all you are writing is poor me, you never mention anything about your wife and her ordeal being pregnant and having a husband who thinks he can invade her privacy! Finally you say something that makes sense, you plan to quit the relationship! Good for you, its the best thing that you can do! I am glad you can finally see you are not compatible in any way!
Sex has been a let down? Surprise surprise, this is your wife the woman you choose to marry and you have not wrote one positive or kind thing about her! My guess is that she is very unhappy as well.
No I don't think you are being unfair, I think its the kindest thing you could do for her, at least then she can breathe and relax. Maybe some day she will meet someone who has nice things to say about her. If you choose to end it then please be there for your baby and help as much as you can. Don't forget to support her finaincially also.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2018): I think you are exonerating yourself too fast here.Did you have to slap the wife to get her pregnant?And how can you possibly moan about not getting a birthday present or cake the day before your wedding?How is a birthday important when you're getting married?Also why do you think its fair to quit a month after your baby is born?What kind of present is that to your unfortunate child?Ohh your missus claims she wants kinky sex..are you sure?A month after her baby is born and before her six weeks of bleeding is over you think she wants you to bruise her up for kicks?Hold on there, the midwife hasnt finished visiting yet.So treat her nicely.I'm sorry you think you got deceived into marrying her but nothing you say adds up.I doubt your wife is even healed enough for sex.I doubt you get enough unbroken sleep to even have the energy to roll over.Now is not the time to grab the child off her breast and to make a lunge for her lower portion.Now is the time to be kind.If you ever had a kind bone in your body now is the time to show it.Your sad tale doesnt do it for me and I dont think you should operate the cop out clause now.Having a baby is not for the fainthearted.A baby is not for Xmas a baby is for life.So go shopping and treat yourselves to a happy afternoon.Take a break from sex for now and see if you can try bonding.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (16 August 2018):
 There are times when rushing into marriage is not in the best interest of the baby. Generally it is done for the baby, but often the marriage created is not healthy enough for children.
I'd like to go over a few points in your history. One Raw, or unprotected sex. You knew this was not a good idea. You knew you were not ready for it. But you let yourself be pressured into it. You are not the first person to make this mistake. It happens all the time. But is no excuse, next time you will know to trust yourself first.
Next the birthday. Never expect any woman to do anything within a week of her marriage, her daughters wedding, her friends wedding . . . . You had unrealistic expectations.
Last the shadow of the ex. You are living in the shadow of the prior relationship. You need to stop comparing everything she does with you to everything she did with him. Until you do this you will be unhappy. You do need to continue to be vigilant in blocking her access to him.
I have not talked about the kisses / slapping thing. off the top of my head your relationship is not stable enough to go there even if you were inclined to. Those games require a High level of trust.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2018): Oh dear this really is one sorry mess you have gotten into. You sound almost like my lovely boyfriend and his ex, a pushy woman with two kids already and she wanted a nice man to use for her means in terms of taking care of her kids and getting her out of her country. I am sorry but you are so incompatible and taking all that aside she has well and truly stitched you up. It is wonderful you love your baby and I hope that no matter what you can continue to play a part on her life. At best she will work out you are both just not going anywhere and will find someone else or you will walk away from this screamingly toxic relationship, you are not her type and she is not yours, the opposites attract does not apply long term with you both.Unless you both can meet halfway and taking aside what you have posted you feel that she does love you (can't see that I your words) and to be fair I don't see that you love her either, you have been hoodwinked because of your lust for her at the start and you know it. But you have a baby together and either way you needs to sit down and be honest with each other what is the best way forward. If I am honest it seems that will mean splitting up and learning from this, focus on being the best dad you can be, don't turn it into a wrangle, just go to court and do it the proper way if it turns sour. My boyfriend feels he wasted his twenties on his ex and the rot of their relationship, you can be happy but going by what you have put you are both flogging a dead horse and would both be happier apart IF you cannot meet in the middle IF there is love there on both sides. Best of luck, that's just my opinion you may get very different ones to that
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 August 2018):
 If ever a marriage was destined for the divorce courts, this has to be it. I cannot imagine what on earth you were thinking trusting her to take care of contraception when she had already proven herself to be totally untrustworthy with everything else. To say you were an idiot and thinking just with what was in your trousers would not be far off the mark.
Now you have a daughter to consider. Whether you stay with her mother or not (and I can honestly see no reason why you would want to), you will ALWAYS be this poor baby's father and you owe it to her to be a loving and involved father.
The two adults in this situation have made their own beds. This child, however, is the innocent victim of your bizarre relationship. Get out of the relationship with her mother before it does turn physical and you end up losing your temper with her. You have already seen this could happen and have, quite rightly, not liked the person you become when you are around her. Stay in your daughter's life, however, as she deserves to know her father and to be loved by him.
Thinking with your brain, not from lower down your body, will serve you well going forward.
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