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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am hurting so much. Today i had the courage to talk to my parents about how they invalidate my feelings and lack empathy when I tell them how I feel. My father who is a pastor will tell me that is not thinking Christlike when i pointed out how I felt. My mother is just concerned with how she n my father feels. Eventually my father will tell me the way i feel is stupid. My parents would assist me financially and give me their last, but when it comes to my mental health, they don't give a shit. How do i cope? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2022): As they keep stonewalling any concerns that you have you should accept that they have limited understanding.
And stop trying to get understanding from them.
They have no intention of changing any aspect of themselves.
But you can change any aspect of yourself any time.
Christ was quite radical and free thinking so don't be too alarmed by their religious and pious accusations.
I expect you could be happier if you could stop trying to ' convert' them into a broader dialogue because religion is their defence.
Maybe you should reply to your dad when he tells you that your not thinking Christlike: well, you are no saint and mum was not a virgin so what do you expect?
It will be difficult for him to view his life comparatively.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2022): Thank you for your responses. I have never been a rebellious teen. In fact I have always tried to please my parents. I have never seen them as narcissistic but I do realize that they do have traits of narcs. My father told me what career I should pursue, ignoring what I wanted to be. They never truly listened to me.
I have never thought much of those incidents where I was punished and never listened to. When I was 6 years old, where we lived, there were days we had no running water because of the water company. My mother had a bucket of water in the bathroom, and she filled one for me and she she boiled water so I can bathe. She filled another bucket with some water and put the hot water in that bucket. She told me not to touch the other bucket. I was always respectful and I respectfully asked her to come and feel the water she placed. It was too hot for me to bathe. She was talking to two of her sisters and my grandmother. She never listened. I pleaded, she never came. It was too hot so I emptied some from my bucket and took some from the other. She finally decided to come after I now bathe. Saw I took some water from the other bucket. I got a beating of my life, my towel dropped and I was on the ground naked getting beaten with a long ruler what tailors use to measure cloth. It was thick and I got beaten on my naked wet body in front of my aunts and my grandmother.
She always cared about her image and what others think about her. She beat me another time for her sisters daughter. My cousin and I both had a disagreement. I was about 8. I got beaten with a belt and got welts on my skin. She always wanted to show others she is a no nonsense person. She never listened to my side of the story. She did this to my son. Whenever we had family retreats and went to a beach house, my cousin who is the same age of my son. My aunt had him when she was 32, I had my son when I was 21. My cousin was and still is a bully. He bullied my son, and whenever my son retaliated, she beat him, not only to correct him but to show her sisters that she is a no nonsense person. My aunt never scolded her son, she just shouted at him and asked hi! Who is he giving glory to when he behaves like that. My son was left feeling advantaged of as he saw, he was getting bullied and when he defended himself, he was the one to be punished. This week he realized that my mother only tries to please her sisters and not listen to him. He told me that. He asked me why is mama like that?
That was just the physical abuse part. There were times I told my mother how I felt and she would just tell me how do you think I am feeling. It's a long history of her putting her feelings above mine. She is very manipulative and my father tries to please her at all times ignoring his only child's feelings. He said to me, your mother is an emotional person so I just let her be. He acknowledged that's how she is and he just wants peace so he left her to retaliate as she incidenysSo I'm just like, ok, you acknowledge how your wife is, but you can't see how I truly am?
They both belittles me when it comes to raising my children. Meanwhile I was always left unsupervised and my 16/17 year old cousin used to come and look for me. We used to be in my parents bedroom. I was 10 at the time, he used to inappropriately touch me and have me jerk him off. My mother used to sit in the porch talking away with her sisters. No on came to see what we were doing and I was threatened not to say a word. My mother blamed me for not coming to tell her sooner. She said I didn't love them.enough to tell them.
Any time I speak about certain ideas I have, my father would idea tell me I am.thinking foolishly. As of this week, my aunt and uncle had a huge disagreement with my husband and was disrespectful to him. I really didn't want to be around them so soon. I felt hurt by what was said. I forgave them but it's just too soon to be around them. There is a father's day lunch and they would be there. Although I forgave them, the hurt is there. When I tried to explain to my parents, my father would say the way you are feeling is stupid. That cut me deep. I could go on and on about Other incidents.
So whilst you are saying my parents have feelings, I decided to look into and read about narcissistic parents. Narcissistic parents do help their children financially. whenve my parents and this week when I opened up to my parents about how they invalidate my feelings and lack empathy for me, hearing my father tell me the way that I feel, is stupid, I spoke to two associates of mine who thought highly of my parents. They couldn't believe my experiences and how my parents dealt with them. I realized that I just have to accept who they are and move accordingly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2022): My parents were not at all interested in or concerned with my mental health, sanity, happiness, peace of mind or anything else that really matters. In fact quite the opposite, they were sexually abusive, emotionally abusive and I had a nervous breakdown. The answer is to separate yourself from them, not complain to them, not moan, not nag them to be nice, they will not change, at your age you are able to be without them. I left home at 15,as soon as I could, and almost starved to death due to lack of money, but it was better than being there with them and their abuse. You are the one who has the power to change your life, you are a grown up now, so think and act like one. If they have ignored your emotional needs for years why would they care about them now after all this time when you are now a grown adult?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2022): Why would your parents go so far as to help you financially, yet not care about you? I'll take that remark with a grain of salt. You've come here to vent, so let it all out.
We don't know your family background and how your parents dealt with you growing-up and into your teens. It seems uncharacteristic of a pastor not to care about his own children, so how can he counsel and help other families?
Sometimes parents give-up on their children for whatever reasons. When their efforts to bring-up a child a certain way fails; they finally resolve themselves to accept things as they are. If time and time again they've tried, and no matter what they do seems to yield no results; they finally run out of ideas, and just let us have it our way. If you were a rebellious teenager; sometimes this is what happens to parents who've had enough. They become numb from dealing with embarrassment, covering for bad behavior, or they feel they've failed as parents. They have feelings too. I also know when I see veiled criticism of religious faith; and I'll ignore it, and focus on you.
Now you're all grown-up. You can seek professional-counseling and therapy to help you cope and deal with your issues. A pastor is chosen and anointed to lead a flock/congregation of people; and to teach them to rely on faith in God. That's the only way they know and believe. To expect them to think and believe another way, is going against their faith. Perhaps they only know and trust that particular path; and don't wish to go any other way to deal with you, and whatever problems you're bringing before them. They are only human. Like any other human beings, if we blame others or criticize them; they are likely to close themselves off and not want to deal with it. They probably believe they've raised you (supposedly) the Christian-way; and will take umbrage to any remarks to the contrary.
It may have been your approach. If you are finding fault with your parents; religious or not, they won't appreciate it. Most parents will react pretty much like you've described your parents to behave; when you tell them they don't care about you, such and so forth. I speculate that you've told them they've failed you as parents. Maybe they think they've done the best they could.
If that is the case, then don't waste anymore of your time. You've said what you had to say; and apparently that isn't going to change them. You can't change other people; so you work on yourself. Seek some counseling from a professional who deals with mental-health; and you may get better results.
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