A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of many years and I can’t ever seem to resolve any conflicts very well. This means that almost any time we argue she gets VERY angry and very mean and seemingly wants to punish me. Most of the time an argument ends with her saying something like, “Delete my number, forget my name, and get out of my life,” or something similar. When this happens it causes me extreme anxiety and I end up very depressed until she talks to me again (which sometimes is days or weeks). I can barely function during this time because I believe the relationship is over. I don’t eat, can’t socialize, can hardly focus on work. Once we do re-establish contact she’s very cold and distant for the first few days. Meanwhile, she seems fine when this happens (other than completely refusing to talk to me in any way). She goes to her ladies’ brunches and happy hours and workouts and has no problem getting her work done. It’s like she’s truly happier when we’re “broken up” but then after we reconcile she always admits she missed me and didn’t want to break up, etc. My friends (who don’t like her because of the effect on me but still support me if I want to be with her) always point out that this is a recurring problem and that the breakup is NEVER real. The problem is, I feel like it’s real. Right now it has happened again and I feel like this is the time that it’s really going to be real and I feel like I’ve lost her. I hate this feeling, I literally feel like I could vomit and I’m in a very low depression. I can’t figure out what to do about things and I don’t understand how it doesn’t hurt her just as much (or at least why she can’t acknowledge how much it hurts me).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2021): You are trapped in an anxious/avoidant relationship, look it up, it's the most common relationship, both personalities seek each other and are drawn to each other.
I'm anxious my partner is avoidant and having the knowledge helps to a certain extent but it's a pattern you and your girlfriend are stuck in, it's very difficult to break.
She has demons somewhere along the line because she cannot cope with closeness, how she goes about it is different to you and ot looks like she is just plain self centred when the reality is she is self protecting herself.
Look up the dynamics of an anxious/avoidant relationship, there is a lot of information online about it and advice, but as last poster said this is going to be down to you because nothing anyone says will change what you choose to do...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2021): I know how you feel. I've been in your exact position about 6 years ago. I just didn't understand why he would put me through such mental abuse. I wondered if I did something wrong to deserve this kind of treatment. I felt so terrible I wanted to die. But at the same time, I knew this was wrong.. I had to get myself out of this misery.. but I didn't know how because I thought I loved him and needed him so much. This is something very private and internal that only you can get yourself out of. I told myself that this situation won't be forever, that one day I will get myself out and he won't be able to abuse me anymore. It took me 6 years... but I am free now. I started doing my own things, hanging out with my friends. Keeping myself occupied. It was very hard... there were years when I kept falling back into his trap. But finally after about 5 years, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I enjoyed watching TV on my own. I played AmongUs all day long.. it was my addiction to AmongUs that pulled me out of that miserable hole. One day, I just woke up and I didn't need him anymore. He would call wondering why I haven't called him and I told him I was busy. He came clinging to me.. but I apologized and told him I will get back to him when I have time. I want you to go and find your 'AmongUs' something that will help pull you out of that hole. It takes time, so you do need to be patient. You will get there, I know you will!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2021): You have a toxic-dependency or "addiction" to your girlfriend; which truly is a thing. Years ago, the author Howard M. Halpern, Ph.D., wrote a book called "How To Break Your Addiction to a Person." He brings up many good points about being a "prisoner of love." Describing the addiction to a person the same as that to a narcotic substance. You get high on dopamine; while you have a weird emotional-attachment and dependency that is sometimes an exchange between a couple, or it's strictly an infatuation. As you've described your symptoms when you breakup; it is like withdrawal from heroine or cocaine. You become physically ill.
I would strongly suggest that you seek psychiatric-counseling; because you seem to be developing a serious "withdrawal" reaction when she rejects you. The separation anxiety you're describing just isn't healthy, and her toxic-personality is almost classic narcissism. It seems her pleasure comes from your pain.
You should never behave or react in such a way to another human being. That can't be love. It seems more of an obsession, than actual love; and she knows exactly how to push your buttons in a very sadistic and deprecating manner. You almost seem to like being put through such psychological torture. You go back for more!
From your own description, your anxiety seems to immobilize you; and place you in a very distressed state of mind. I'm no psychiatrist, but it's obvious even to a layman; that you seem more into her, than she's into you. It surely appears she likes to toy with your emotions; while you kowtow to her domineering nature, and allow yourself to fall apart. Often, toxic-love as you've described your relationship; comes from the idolization of beauty. Fixation on someone's appearance; until you feel you can't live without having her in your possession. Maybe that isn't the case here; but it has all the classic symptoms.
My friend, this isn't all her fault. You have an unhealthy attachment to her; and you don't know how to disconnect. Please seek counseling before you lose your mind, or your job. Don't wind-up in a psychiatric unit in a hospital. Love doesn't make people physically-ill and emotionally-distressed. You may have some other emotional problems that you need to address through a proper mental-health evaluation and counseling. She may only be a trigger or complication. You seem to be a true hopeless-romantic; which is fine in romance novels, but not in the world of reality.
Such melodrama and obsession over a girlfriend will make you begin to lose friends, your social-skills will deteriorate, you'll become withdrawn, and your job-performance will suffer. It's not worth it, my friend! We all suffer from a breakup; but it shouldn't be a recurrent cycle with the same person again and again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 September 2021):
 I will second FA's advice.
What you are being exposed to is abuse. Yes, it's emotional abuse (versus physical) but it's harming you nonetheless.
Have you EVER considered just BE done? To not have to get on this horrible rollercoaster ride anymore? To actually forget her number and work on moving on? To perhaps down the line find someone you are more compatible with?
The relationship is NOT working, OP. You know this, right?
This is not a loving relationship at all. This is a VERY conditional relationship. When things are good and your GF gets her "way" things are fine. When you disagree or don't communicate "optimally" or to HER impossible standard, the relationship is over.
You know EVEN if you take her back that this will happen over and over, NOTHING will change there. So if you KEEP banging your head on the wall, why not stop? Think? And decide that it's more painful in the long term to do this? You don't HAVE to bang your head. You don't HAVE to date this woman.
Individual counseling sounds like a really good idea. YOU could benefit from that.
She walks all over you because you "allow" it. You have been conditioned to "allow" it.
What do you think would happen if you ACTUALLY said:" OK, I will lose your number, you lose mine, we are done."
You would have to start on the moving on phase, with sadness, grief, hopefully, some understanding that this relationship wasn't GOOD for you. And if you add the counseling, maybe you will also get to a point where you can see just how unhealthy this relationship is.
Yes, it would hurt to break up. It would get better over time. You would not have to bang your head on the wall OVER and OVER and OVER. Breaking up can be hard. We have all been there. The reason people date more than one person is that we are ALL capable of "moving on". Putting the hurt behind us.
This is a game to her. You are a "pawn" in her game. When she feels like "playing" she is with you. When she wants her own time and do as SHE pleases she will pick a fight with you and "break up". After a few days, she contacts you again, to PUNISH you for whatever perceived slight SHE thinks YOU did. She is TRIPPLEDOG daring you to lose her number. She KNOWS you won't. She has you "trained". When she says jump, you start jumping while asking how high. It amuses her. It makes her feel powerful. It's not about love. For either of you. The love is gone. Now is just this abusive game and two people who are so used to playing it, don't stop and think that perhaps it's time to WALK away and find ACTUAL happiness and a peaceful exsistance.
OP, you sound like a sensitive man (nothing wrong with that at all). It's time you CARE about yourself MORE. Your friends don't like her because she is NOT a high-quality woman. Not a good person. At least NOT to you.
You are in your 40's. About halfway through life. DO you see yourself living the rest of your life being treated like this?
You can be MISERABLE all by yourself.
You have friends, a support network. You don't HAVE to go through the breakup alone.
Put yourself first, for once. Start by ending this relationship, find a counselor and work on your mental health. You ARE worth it.
CUT all contact with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2021): The best thing you can do in this circumstances is refuse to go back to her. It will be incredibly difficult to begin with. But unless you want to spend the test of your life in this vicious depressing and unhealthy cycle, it needs to be broken and leaving her is the only realistic way that's going to happen. The first months will be very difficult but stay strong, it will get easier. Find activities you can do alone, meet new people, move on.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 September 2021):
 Your problem is not what your girlfriend does (because that is out of your control); your problem is how YOU react to what she does. You know you CAN live, breath and function without her, don't you? She is NOT your life. She is NOT essential to your life. You had a life before you met her and you are capable of having a life if she were to no longer be in it. Yes, it may take you a while to get over her, but you would eventually get there.
You sound unhealthily attached to her, which is why she does what she does, because she knows you will tolerate her bad behaviour and will always take her back. You need to grow a backbone and, at the very least, stop letting your ersatz breakups bother you, knowing they are just her way of controlling you, or (and I would advocate this but with very little hope of it happening) next time she tells you to delete her number, etc, take her at her word. When she contacts you again, as she inevitably will, YOU be the one to play it cool and tell her you don't think it is a good idea to reignite the relationship. THAT would be the time to tell her how her behaviour affects you and that you are no longer going to put up with it.
To answer your question, your girlfriend's behaviour doesn't hurt her because she is the instigator and she is in control and knows, regardless of how badly she treats you, you will take her back like the obedient little door mat you are. (Sorry, it has to be said.) Furthermore, she probably knows EXACTLY how her treatment of you hurts you, which is EXACTLY why she does it.
So I now have a question for you: given that it is clear she is not a nice person, why do you so desperately hang onto someone who gains a perverse pleasure out of controlling you in this hurtful way? If she loved you, she would not hurt you in this way. Nobody can control you without your permission. Time to say "I do not consent to being treated in this way". Question is: do you have the bottle to do it?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 September 2021):
 your story reminds me of my wife's aunt and uncle. The divorced and remarried several times. Between children even. Finally the Justice refused to remarry them. It was obvious to an outsider that they were incompatible. But to them it was always fixable.
Your story includes a fair amount of emotional abuse that is hitting you pretty hard. I would suggest that it is high time that you Delete her number, Forget her name and move on with your life. You obviously aren't compatible. It is obvious that she is going to hurt you again, and just maybe next time you won't be able to bounce back.
BTW individual counseling would be good for you.
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