A
female
age
30-35,
*liloou
writes:As a quick bit of background info:I’m a stay at home mum of two (2 year old and a 6 month old). I do have a job but was on maternity which has been extended due to having cancer and dealing with all kinds of other crap...My partner is the main earner and pays all the bills and he definitely doesn't let me forget it!I don't really know where to start. My partner has never been a romantic. He’s forgotten my birthday every single year we’ve been together.. but I'll survive that. I’ve just stopped hoping for affection/surprises and learnt very quickly not to expect much from him. He's busy at work and I've never known men to be particularly romantic anyway...But my main issue is that he’s like Jekyll and Hyde. One minute he’s fine and then the next he’s exploding and having a go at me about nothing. For example, just tonight, he had a go at me because he had to change babba2s bum (he was feeding him whilst I went to the loo) but he wanted to play a game on his phone. Then he shouted at me cause the nappy smelt so bad and it must be something I'm feeding him. I'm not one to just take it, ill defend myself and stand my case but he’s unreasonable and as soon as you prove him wrong he storms off and huffs. Then he'll reappear 20 mins later like nothing’s happened!?He’s never hit me or anything but he throws stuff and punches walls. And kicks stuff. That makes me more angry than the argument itself! I thought maybe I was to blame, being too touchy so I've been trying to keep positive and avoid confrontation but he still finds ways to have a go at me!!? He could actually start a fight in an empty room!!And he lies to me too... Only silly little things like he promised me he had stopped smoking in his car and i was so proud of him. But i found out today he's still been smoking in there. I’ve said so many times how proud of him I was and told my parents how well he was doing and he never once told me the truth. I just feel so gutted. He does it with things about work too...I tell people about a promotion he’s been promised or pay rise he’s getting, only to be told a week later that it’s been cancelled for one reason or another. When I met him he used to exaggerate stuff a lot but I thought it was a confidence thing and I told him he didn’t need to lie to impress me. But obviously he just can’t help himself!!Basically I’m not sure I want to be in this relationship anymore.I love him but I can’t take the ups and downs.
View related questions:
at work, confidence Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2016): HiYou have an abusive partner I'm sorry to tell you. He is verbally and emotionally abusive, he will maybe become physically abusive as well. The abuse usually escalates, though this can take years. It's at an horrendous enough level already. I have been in the same kind of relationship as the one you describe, almost exactly. This is because all abusive men follow certain tactics. They all do. There are many abusive tactics such as shouting, punching inanimate objects, or you, making things out to be your fault when they're not, making you feel bad about yourself, making you question your own judgement, saying things about you that aren't true, treating you in such a way as to make you lose your self confidence. Making you too scared to say anything back or to disagree with them in any way. You feel as if you can't do anything right and that you need to walk on eggshells. It doesn't matter how much you try to appease and please, how accommodating you are, they will always be abusive. They change the goalposts. One day something would be ok, the next you’re the worst person in the world for doing such a thing.You need to understand something. You are not the reason for his behaviour. You are not doing anything wrong that he is blaming you for, such as 'smelly nappies....what are you feeding him?' as an example. Abuse exists for the simple reason that abusive men want to control their partners. In order to do this, they must make them unhappy, insecure, unconfident, afraid, confused.....the list goes on and on.Here's an eye opener for you and something that might help you to understand what you're dealing with here. HE ISN'T REALLY ANGRY. HE'S PRETENDING. Also an abusive tactic. I've had an abusive ex with his hands around my throat, threatening to kill me, his eyes bulging, veins in his red face bulging. Seconds later when he could see how much he had scared me, he was smiling and perfectly calm. Try it yourself to see how easy it is to make yourself look really angry when you're not. It’s easyListen, if you have no experience of abuse or the reasons behind it, it's a lot to take in and it's difficult to believe. That someone who loves you, was wonderful to you in the beginning, wanted to look after you etc etc would be doing all of this on purpose? Hard to believe I know, but believe me, it's true. It's awful to tell you this, but also wonderful because it will help you beyond words to finally understand what's happening. When you said you don't know if you'll get Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde, I and countless others like me know exactly what you're talking about. This is also an abusive tactic. To throw you off centre, to make you constantly anxious and to also make sure that it is him you are thinking about, not anyone else and especially not yourself.The nice part of his behaviour is part of the abuse too I'm afraid. To woo you, to make you fall in love and not want to leave when it gets bad, because you're always thinking and hoping that somehow, magically, things will go back to how they were. NEVER IS THAT GOING TO HAPPEN. Occasionally, when he needs to 'hook' you again, he will be the loving, caring man you met (or thought you'd met)until he thinks it's time you got some more abuse. And yes I'm sorry but it is as calculated as that. I had an abusive father and have had three abusive relationships and the behaviour you have described, and more, is behaviour I have experienced at the hands of these men. I had no idea why I was unhappy, confused, frightened etc, when I by chance, came upon a book about abuse. Oh my God.....there it all was in those pages, things that I have experienced, all there in black and white. It was an ah ha moment on every page. Suddenly I realised what was happening to me and why. I answer questions on this site from women such as yourself, who have no idea what's happening and why, despite all their best efforts, can't understand why it just get worse? I don't want you to have to wait until you come upon a book that will explain, when I can help you understand. Please don't sit him down and talk. There is absolutely no point and I'm guessing you already know this. This is in fact, dangerous advice. Anything you do say, he may well listen to and look as if he cares, but he will note anything you tell him about how you feel and what upsets you, to use against you at a future time. He does not want harmony and happiness. He wants your fear, your unhappiness. He wants you to lose confidence so that you only look to him for everything, so you never leave him. But it will be at the very least a miserable existence for you. As you already know and are finding out more and more.I could write pages and pages, but there is someone very much better equipped to explain it all to you. Please read the best book I ever read on the subject called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. A man who worked with abusive men for fifteen years and got to know them and their tactics so very well. Different abusive men, use different tactics, but you will learn them all in this book and learn to spot them a mile off as I have. This is why I am 100% confident that you will know that what I'm saying is right. You already know that something is very wrong.I have had mugs smashed at the wall next to my head, a chair held above my head while I cowered on the bed, until he turned and smashed it into pieces on the floor behind him instead. Venom and nastiness directed at me when trying to help him, told all sorts of untruths about myself in the hope that I would start to believe them, veiled and overt threats of death, of making my life 'your worst nightmare' etc etc I could go on. All from a man who was the most fantastic man I thought I'd ever met, the most loving, the most generous. I'd never been so loved and so looked after in my life before. You see, they're very clever, they learn what you need and what you want and then they give it to you in spades. To get you hooked on them. They are like a drug. With the same disastrous consequences.I would advise you not to leave him yet, if you were thinking of doing so. Please read the book first as it will help to make you aware of the dangers in doing this. You are taking control and he will not like it. Abusive men can be at their most dangerous at this time. And don't let him see the book obviously. Read it elsewhere if you can. Have somewhere safe to go to where there are people who will support you and protect you. There is advice in the book about how to leave safely and if you need a safe haven, please look to Refuge or the Freedom Programme.I’m so sorry you're going through this and if you think there's anything else we could help with, come back.Oh and please don't go to counselling. It won't help and will only give him more ammunition
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 September 2016):
 It sounds like you get nothing from this relationship at all. Okay so he is out working but you are at home looking after two young children and battling cancer. How horrendous. You should be getting all the help you need not have someone bring you down. It is clear neither of you are happy. Have you tried talking to him about his temper? He cannot act like this around two young children it is very unhealthy for them as well as you. Talk to him about how you feel, ask him how he feels and tell him things need to change in order for this relationship to work.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aliloou +, writes (8 September 2016):
Aliloou is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, I will admit, I'm terrified. Not so much of doing the childcare part but more the social side..little things like going to the shops alone.
Also the whole organising visits and keeping the contact there. I know 100% he'll end up ignoring me to spite me but all it will do is spite himself and his boys will miss out...
My parents would try to help but theres only so much they can do as they work & my siblings still live at home.
I feel hopeless. And so sad.
When we first got together it was really lovely and now im treading on egg shells all the time.
I never thought I'd be in this position
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (8 September 2016):
 I can understand why you don't want to be in the relationship. Ask yourself if there are any plus points and are they worth all the anger and neglect coming from him. If you are only with him because he pays the rent then you need to get a job and child care for your little ones. Can parents help at all?
You are denying yourself a better life while you are with him and he resents being tied to you. That much seems clear.
...............................
|
