A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, my name is Alexis and I have been dating my boyfriend for five years. My mom works in the same school that I go to and a year ago my boyfriend went into rehab for smoking weed and just doing stupid things that he shouldn't have done. During the time that he was away I finally admitted to my mom that I was seeing him. After telling her this she went in a crazy outrage and she forbidded me from seeing him. After a while of discussion with her we agreed that when he came home what he had to do to get her and my fathers approval was if he really changed and got himself together. TEN months later my love finally came out with a sober mind and a fresh start. He got a job went back to school and is proving himself worthy of being with me I'm so proud of him and I love him with all my heart, so this summer we are planning on getting engaged. But though we plan all this my mother and my father are still against me being with him they say that he is the cause of all my problems and he's not taking me anywhere and when I ask how or what he did to make them feel this way they say " I just don't want u with him" they say I'm disobeying them by being with him and we get into huge fights that causes us to not talk for weeks and is only drifting them apart from me! They punished me because I was seen at the mall with him and they told me they couldn't trust me even though I told her where I was going besides that he was going. I feel sneaky and I don't like that I love my parents and I try so hard to do everything they ask of me but I love my boyfriend he's my soulmate and the one I want to spend the rest of my life with I don't know what to do any more because I feel like my parents are making me choose between them both while all my boyfriend does is try to prove them different.. How do I address this situation I'm going through do I leave my Bestfriend and solmate of five years to make my parents happy? this is breaking my heart, please anyone give me some uplifting advice :(
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2014):
 How can you date someone for 5 years and keep it a secret from your parents and not think this is a lie? When you went out with him what did you tell them you were doing? When you went to visit him what did you tell your parents? IF you never lied to them by telling them a falsehood, and they never let you out, how did you spend time with him? How did you manage to see him?
As for them getting to know him.. he’s been out for 8 months, he has a job… how are you two working NOW to get them to accept him? Do you two ask them out to dinner so they can have conversation with him? Do you ask them if he can come to THEIR HOME and meet with them?
BTW my 21 yr old soulmate... he's my EX husband... he's the father of my two children but we divorced 8 yrs after getting married....
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 February 2014):
 I will also agree with Cerberus 100%.
I have 3 daughters and I would NOT be happy with them dating a guy like your BF.
And 10 months rehab for pot? No way. There is more to the rehab then weed/pot. It's good that he got help if he has a problem, but REHAB is not a magic solution, just look at all the celebs who are in and out of rehab and nothing really changes.
Listen to your parents, respect how they feel. ANY parent would feel the same way in their shoes. YOU need to REBUILD trust with your parents. You aren't automatically DESERVING of their trust. Specially not when you have chosen to lie by omission for so long.
Take it slow with this relationship. No need to rush. Make it work, don't just WANT to be with him because you have to prove a point to your parents. LET him PROVE himself to them and you.
It's not about THEM (your parents) versus US (you and your BF). It's about making it work, for YOU, YOUR parents and with the BF.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): To Cerberus- I never lied about anything i don't think being with someone for five years and not telling my parents is lying? They never asked I told them. And yes he was in there for ten months and I'm pretty sure his mother and me visiting him at the rehabilitation center wouldn't make me blind or someone's lying. He was placed at the [name removed]. It's been over 8 months since he's been out and got a job as soon as he got out. Everyone sees the change but them. My parents don't know anything of him besides of his past. And the only reason they say he is the cause of all my problems is because I failed a class this quarter in school because it was to stressful for me and they said that he did this to me. -_-. While all my other grades are above 80s. My boyfriend and yes soulmate has been nothing but supportive and patient of me and trying to see and talk to my parents he never bothers me about it but it sucks when he wants me to go somewhere with him on a date or just simply go out. The way they handle it is they keep me in the house and they don't let me go out even with friends.. I'm not complaining about anything I never lied about being where I was and being with him. I expressed to my parents that I was very much in love with him they took everything I had away from me I feel like a prisoner in my home but I love them and I know they will be here for life but your partner and the one you love and want to marry should be there for life to.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2014):
TEN months for rehab for a non-addictive drug? Cerberus is right... that's a smoke screen for his real problem(s)
I think marijuana should be legal and available to adults like tobacco and alcohol and I hate that folks use the "addicted to weed" as an excuse for breaking other laws.
THERE IS NO DETOX from marijuana.. just stop using it. No symptoms no side effects... anyone who needs TEN MONTHS IN REHAB is rehabing from something else.
I think you know as well as your parents what the issues are. If you are 18-21 then you are legally and adult and as such you have the right to move out and see who you want when you want it.
Since you and your parents agreed that "when he came home what he had to do to get her and my fathers approval was if he really changed and got himself together." he should be doing just that. If he's not meeting their criteria then that's ON HIM. If their criteria is too stringent then that's on them and you need to work as an adult to get them to modify their criteria.
BUT if you were in NO trouble for the ten months he was gone and if things ran smoothly in your life while he was away and now that he's back things are bumpy again in any way perhaps your parents are correct.
I want to address a few things
if you are 21 and have been with him 5 years you are with him since you were 16... which is VERY young to make a life partner choice. Note that what you want at 21 is NOT in any way going to be what you want at 29 and being married to an addict/alcoholic (even one in recovery) is difficult.
Addictive personalities are also genetic and hereditary... meaning if you marry an addict you always run the risk of him reusing again... or creating children with a genetic disposition towards addictive behaviors. You may want to do some research on this prior to making a life commitment.
I agree if you are sure you are two mature adults in love, then doing everything in your power and his to placate and appease your parents should be worth it. And waiting is probably part of what you need to do.. why the rush to get engaged?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): *3-6 months
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): They're not making you choose anything they just don't like him and are probably right that he is a major cause of your problems.
OP if you wanted respect and wanted your boyfriend to have respect from your parents you wouldn't have hidden the fact you were with him for so long. You broke their trust and lied to them for a long time about this and now you're complaining that they don't trust you?
Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine you had a daughter who was going behind your back with a guy who is getting into so much trouble he has to go to rehab for weed. For weed, OP. A non-addictive, mostly harmless drug that no one truly needs to go to rehab for. The only reason people go to rehab for weed is when they use it as an excuse to get off a more serious charge. "Sorry Your Honour, I was high on weed when I stole that car, I have a problem with weed." Yeah right. That's the oldest trick in the book not to get off a charge.
OP you don't have to leave your boyfriend, you just have be the adult that you are and move out of your parents house to be with him. You get to choose who you want to be with, not them. But you can't expect them to like him either, especially when you kept it from them for so long and showed them that you can't be trusted. They're not going to trust a guy who has gotten into so much trouble and wasn't man enough to tell your parents you were together. There is no honour or pride in your "soulmate". He's just as sneaky and untrustworthy as you and you know what? 10 months in rehab for weed? No fucking way. He was in jail. No rehab goes on 10 months. Even life-long heroin addiction is only about 3-56 months with long term aftercare.
So one of you is lying about that too. It does not take 10 months of rehab to get off weed.
The fact that you kept this secret from your parents for years tells me that even you know he's not a nice guy, and if you want to be foolish enough to believe that a few months is enough time to tell that someone has changed then that's on you, but don't expect your parents to be stupid enough to believe it because like me and probably most of the other posters here, they're not that stupid.
It's very normal for a criminal to come out and do the fresh start thing for a while before they go back to their old habits. It's possible he's changed, but it takes a lot longer to know for sure that is the case. You only think that way because you love him and want it to be true.
If he has changed he'll respect the fact he has to continue to prove himself to them, he'll keep working hard and he won't complain or try and force them to like him. Neither should you.
This is not about your parents making you choose, it's about you proving to them you can be trusted with this guy. It's about you rebuilding the trust you tore down all those years by going behind their back and it's about you proving to them that you and he being together is good for you.
If you really do love him you will do that. You don't have to do everything your parents say, but if you respect them you will fight to regain their trust here, OP and not just moan about them not liking him. If it was your daughter you'd hate him too, admit it, you would. They may never like him but they'll learn to tolerate him when they see that you're happy with him, when you're an independent adult living out of home and living your own life. Until that day you're not going to have the magical fairyland situation you so desperately want because this guy has a pretty bad history that doesn't get erased after only a few months of working and school.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): Have you spoken to your parents about how you're feeling? Pick a calm moment to. Otherwise, I think you should choose your bf. Others may disagree, but if he's really changed, and your parents aren't keeping their promises, then you know. Good luck x!
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A
male
reader, DragonMan  +, writes (19 February 2014):
 Greetings,After reading your more than common situation the best advice I can give you is to centre yourself.You say you are being pulled between your love for your bf, who for all purposes seems to be improving, and your love for your family.Now there are two things to consider here.1.) Are you parents worried for you or are they trying to pin you down? Many parents do care about their children that sometimes their actions can be seen as over protective.2.) Is this a matter of young love? I say this purely as a realist, no as a cynic as some would have me believe, when it comes to young love or love in general and we see what we hope to see in our partners.Your parents might be seeing something you might not.Sit down with your family, have a determined discussion (not argument) about their reservations for him, maybe even arrange a dinner meet up altogether
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