A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi its a bit embarassing but I'm still getting spanked by my mom usually with her shoe or hairbrush sometimes with a belt. It hurts a lot and I sometimes have trouble sitting after.She wasnt always like this but after my Dad left she has no patience.I dont know how to talk to her about it. I know I can be sassy with her and talk back and stuff but she's treating me like a kid and I'm nearly 14 now and want her to stop.She says her butt got the same treatment till high school was over and it didnt do her no harm and it wont do me no harm either.How can I approach this with her? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kaylee19 +, writes (24 June 2010):
 ok, first off, these people saying you are getting abused are wrong. I am 19 years old (20 in august), engaged to be married and moving out of the house. Still yet to this day if i disrespect my mother she will whip me. Sometimes she did go a little overboard but she realized it. Once she hit me with a 2x4 across the back. Your mother probably has tons of stress on her but one day you will understand. Just try to talk to her as best you can. Good Luck.
A
female
reader, odeer123  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 It seems to me its not for any reason that your mom spanks you, but that you have genuinly done something wrong - it doesn't matter how small or big it was, but your mother is trying to make you see your mistakes.
I personally don't agree with physical punishment. It seems to be the lazy approach parents take to punishment of children since it requires no intelligence and just a firm hand. When she hits you she's not talking to you and not trying to help you to solve the problem. You need to have a good quality discussion with your mother about how you wish to be punished - I know that sounds a bit wierd, but young people need dicipline and the sooner you accept that you yourself are young and require help to grow up and become and adult the sooner you will be diciplined and won't need to be punished any more.
From my own experience I have sometimes actually WANTED my mother to hit me! I have made so many mistakes and some of them I repeat, and I feel that I haven't been diciplined enough! Of course she never would though - any form of physical punishment is banned in the UK, and its banned for a reason.
When you get down to discussing things with your mother, you must make sure she is ready for what you are going to say. You must explain clearly that you understand that you hurt her sometimes, and that you therefore evoke a response from her which doesn't befit a respectable mom. Try to be sincere. She will listen to you more if you are. Be calm aswell. Be serious. Tell her you don't want to be hit anymore. Tell her you are sorry for all the things that you have done wrong whilst she's brought you up, but that hitting you has only made you feel resentful - and that you don't want to feel resentful!!
Overall it seems to me that you need to work hard to improve your relationship with your mom. You need to be a team! After all, she has brought you into this world to be a success, and part of that success lies with a successful family. Be good to her and she will be good to you. Be bad to her, and she will retaliate - imagine how a mother may feel unthanked, unoticed, and unappreciated. Think about all the times she's been good to you (This isn't to make her seem like an angel or anything, but seeing her in a more postive light will help YOU to feel better too)whether its from making you get to school on time, to tying your laces when you were three. None of these things she HAD to do. She CHOSE to do them.
As she has chosen to spank you as punishment. Not all of us make the best choices when the time arises.
Good luck to you! I hope the discussion goes well and that she can adjust herself to your perspective.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): Try not to worry about it, I was smacked recently (with my own slipper and in front of a friend - hows that for embrassing??). Yes my butt hurt for a bit but it wasn't the end of the world. Yet it did make me think twice the next time I was gonna talk back to my moms.
Next time your gonna sass her think about how your ass felt last time she set to it with her shoe, belt or whatever!!
Just try and get on with her better :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): To all those people saying this is "unfair" and she doesn't "deserve it"-- go check out people actually being abused. The difference between child abuse and physical discipline is abuse happens because the parent is just pissed. Discipline happens to correct the child from doing a wrong. Every person I know that experienced physical discipline as a child is much more mature, calm, and respectful. Everyone I know who hasn't been is wild, disrespectful, and naive. They sometimes disgust me.
Animals even use physical punishment with their young. It's natural. When a puppy bites too hard or is mean, its mom scruffs it or bites it.
Your mom is going through a hard time and you are choosing to act like a little kid and make it harder for her.. Yet you want her to treat you like an adult? Show her she doesn't need to spank you anymore and then she won't.
As someone who was strangled, shoved into walls, kicked, punched, and beaten from the ages of 5-17, I have no sympathy for someone who gets a little spanking when they act like a douche. Sorry.
And CHiGirl- your disrespect for your elders is disgusting here. You think that you can just hit your mom, who fucking popped you out of her vagina, cleaned you, clothed you, took care of you that whole time.. Just because she slapped you once? Do you honestly see the lack of respect that exists within you people who have never been hit? You guys think you are so high and mighty that no one should ever be able to punish you? I mean jeez..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): I'm not much older than you (16) and I got 'strapped' by my mom with a belt and smacked with a wooden spoon till I was about 15, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week (around 13/14).
I was always sore, sorry, embrassed and uncomfortable after so I know what you mean - it can hurt alot!!!However, the older I got the less frequent the spankings became!!
I guess was a bit 'sassy' to use your words forgot what the belt felt like pretty quickly cus I was always in trouble, but I think its something moms and daughters go through during those years and now we're really close :-).
You have to realise its just a form of punishment and tough love, I suppose. I doubt your mom wants to really hurt you, just teach you to behave and watch your mouth and respect her.
One of my girlfriends, whose 15 said got paddled pretty hard at home the other week for being rude to her mom, so its not unusual especially in the southern states (I'm from Texas originally) and definitely not illegal!!
If you wanna try and talk to her about it, sit down calmly and tell her how you feel and see what she says? However, make sure you have the conversation when things are calm between you.
But if 'her butt got the same treatment' as you say I doubt she'll listen very hard. I once tried to talk my mom out of strapping me and she said something like "when you make the connection between the pain in your butt and sass in your mouth, you'll think twice before you open it and wont feel the strap on your butt anymore".
Well I thought long and hard about what she said and was only spanked once more, for something really stupid that had nothing to do with my mouth.
So my advice to you would be to take this advice as well think hard about the belt before you mouth off to her, learn to respect her, help at home (especially if she's now on her own) and you'll both get on fine and you wont be spanked!!! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 June 2010):
 Thanks Carrot, you know how much I just love happy endings!
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (1 June 2010):
 Miamine, a friend of mine who is a single mom of three girls had Child Protective Services called on her when she spanked her middle child for having friends over when she wasn't home and without her permission. The daughter went to school and told a teacher about the spanking, but not the reason, and the teacher reported the incident to social services (as is required by law). Guess what she said to her kids when the social worker came to her home:
"Pack your bags. Your ride is here."
Scared the crap out of her children. They thought the threat of having them taken away would scare their mother into changing the way she disciplined them, but it was quite the opposite. She had the social worker talk to her kids about the cases she encountered in her job so they could understand what REAL child abuse is, and to tell them about life in foster care and group homes. The kid got a real lesson that day: they found out that their mother wasn't scared of them and that foster care is no place you want to be if you really aren't being abused.
Oh, and they had no Christmas that year either.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (1 June 2010):
I think because of your age, your mother may need to consider other ways to discipline you 'cuz spanking is not doing anything about your smart mouth. A more effective punishment would be to take away privileges: no phone, no Ipod, or no hanging out with your friends--school then home.
Better yet, try to behave in ways that don't require her to have to discipline you at all. You both are going through a hard time with your father moving out, and you're going through a teenage hormonal phase so that's not helping things at all. You and you mom are both frustrated and going through a lot; try to control your attitude and give her--and yourself--a break.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 June 2010):
 Even given your child a slap across the face is illegal in Norway, or so I have been given the impression. I would not say that hitting of any sort, spanking or any other physical harm to a childs body, is ok. The thing is that I dont believe this girl is behaving so badly she "deserves" this treatment. Her mother is incapable of judging correctly, who is to say her mother is not insane and punishes for no reason. At 14, she is old enough to know by now how to act around her mother and how to not get punished, yet she still gets punished. This tells me that we are not dealing with a problem-child, but with a mother that has lost all perspective.
Contact another family member and talk to them about it.
My mom slapped me once when I was 15, I raised my hand as if to slap her back out of pure anger. Didn't do it, but I was about to slap her back because I was so tired of it. She did not use her hand to "punish" me in a righteous sense. She was pissed of and knew she could do it and that is why she did it. I had just as good reasons to slap her back, but I didn't, and I believe any child that is being hit has as much a right to slap their parents back for being treated this way. However we don't. We choose the better option: move out.
So plan how you can get away. You might have to break contact with your mother completely.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 June 2010):
If your mother has to still spank a 14 year old to get them to behave properly then she lost the battle a long time ago. Grow up fast and move out as soon as you can and give the poor thing some relief.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (1 June 2010):
 Also, this child is being "spanked" with a belt, shoe or hairbrush.. this is not done out of anger, but needs planning and premeditation...
When women divorce, they become both father and mother, that is why the punishments have become harsh, the mother is on her own and has much more to deal with. It dosen't sound like she has anger issues, but it sounds like she's determined not to have her children disrespect her and run wild, now she is a single woman alone.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 June 2010):
Sorry ChristineAvril we disagree... I know people think that corporal punishment is not allowed at home, but they are very wrong..
Cases went to Europe, the law still remains the same. Punishment of children should be "reasonable", "should not break the skin", and should be "according to age and size"... her mothers treatment dosen't disregard any of these rules, and thus could not be classed as abuse in Britian.
It seems illegal, because parents in Britian have been taught other ways to punish their children without hitting them. Corporal punishment is illegal in state schools, but as far as I know, not in private ones.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 June 2010):
I don't know american law, but this is perfectly legal in Britian, your mother is not abusing you.
"I know I can be sassy with her and talk back and stuff but she's treating me like a kid and I'm nearly 14 now and want her to stop."
You are acting like a kid, so you get punished like a kid. Stop talking back and acting sassy. Your 14 years old now, in Britian, in 2years you'd be able to have sex and get married with your mums permission. In jamaica and poorer countries, you'd be out working, as well as studying, helping on the farm and looking after your brother and sisters.
At 14, you are much too old to be giving your mother trouble. Do as your told, keep your room clean, do your homework, help arround the house, do your chores, watch your manners and then you will no longer be spanked and humilated..
Act like a child and that's how you get treated. Change your ways and your mother will thank you for the little things you do to help and allow her to stop worrying and relax.
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A
female
reader, ChristineAvril +, writes (1 June 2010):
 When I was at school, corporal punishment was legal and the going rate for misdemeanours, but NEVER for girls - I believe because of fears of internal damage and possible pregnancy difficulties in later life. All girls got was a strap across the back of the legs, never anything on the nether regions.
Now, in the UK, such punishment, even oin the home and by a parent, is illegal and could result in a custodial sentence for the perpetrator.
Not sure of the legal situation in the US, but what you are undergoing is nonetheless totally unacceptable and you should chat to mum in the presence of another responsible adult, or speak to a teacher/counsellor at school.
It's probably not best to go to the police first off, but if this abuse continues......
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): I don't think it is acceptable for anyone to hit anyone however angry. However I accept it goes on - so the only thing I would suggest is that you tell her you will no longer accept being hit and physically hurt. Tell her she has an anger problem and that you wish to help lessen her stress in helpful ways around the house. If the situation does not stop please speak with another adult family member who could perhaps speak with your Mum as her behaviour is not acceptable - and I am surprised other posts have not picked up on this as abusive.
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female
reader, heaven= +, writes (1 June 2010):
you should approach her calmly and tell her if she could please give you another punishment and not that one because obviousely that one is hurtng you as lot
the best thing to do is try not to get get mad when your tellinig her this and be sure to tell her when she is in her best state of mind
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): Wow, she's an angry person... the beatings sound more sever than you (or anyone!) should have to put up with. Odds are very high that you're not going to be able to reason with her.
at 14 spankings should be a thing of the past, and if they do occur very RARE... not regularly administered. There's a possibility she's slipped into an abusive situation, and doesn't realize it.
Is there another relative you can talk to? A teacher? You need to get some good advice from someone who is safe... start with someone at your school, or a freinds parent.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 June 2010):
 I was in your position at your age. My mom had no patience and no control over her temper either. In this day and age, it's less acceptable to have that done.
I would recommend talking not to your mom at first, but your school counselor about this. You will want to have the talk with your mom in the presence of another adult. It's not right what your mom is doing. It is abuse, and she needs to be held accountable too. Have you also talked to your father about it? Maybe you could go live with him.
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A
female
reader, princessJaye14 +, writes (1 June 2010):
 Hi, my mom does the same thing....except her hand is the main usage. Really, all i can say is that you should sit down with her, whether it's at the kitchen table or on the couch, and tell her that you don't mean to be "sassy" or disrespectful. Be sure not to say something like, "and it's not fair that I have to be treated like this since you and dad split up." tell her that you respect her feelings, but you have some of your own. This might seem like a lot, but you can do little things for her to show her you're still there; things like vacuuming, putting the dishes away or taking care of a pet (if you have one.) Good luck!!
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