A
female
age
30-35,
*harl.bri
writes:This is a relationship question focusing on my mum.I am nearly 20 years old, I am in a three year relationship and recently engaged, I am looking for a house with my boyfriend although we have no firm plans to move out yet, she is going through the menopause.My mum is never satisfied with me! She is always angry, disappointed or ambivalent towards me and my life.Since I got engaged and she started the menopause this has gotten so much worse! Me and my mum used to be so close, I have always supported her regardless of weather she's right or wrong.I try and help her through the menopause by doing extra housework, making her lunch when she arrives home from work, buying her flowers and writing her little notes to show her i love her but she takes the menopause out on me.Maybe people will say that she doesn't mean too etc but she does, my whole family tell her she is harsh on me. She has always been harsher on me than my sisters, she tells me its because she sees more potential in me but she's not encouraging,My sisters and aunts and uncles are mostly alcoholics or drug users. She supports them no matter what, she lends them money, gives them time, justifies them claiming benefits and has been for about 30 years. At one point or another all of my sisters and aunts and uncles have lived with us to keep them off the street.I am engaged, completed my a-levels, volunteer for a charity, waiting to go to university and a member of a political party. I don't smoke, drink or take drugs and I don't ask for money. Yet because I am out of work for three months while I wait to start university she nags me about a jobs. I am volunteer working to gain experiance. I don't ask for money off her like my sisters, I don't sign on every week. I use the money I have and I have a fiancé who pays for dinner, going out etc.I can't please my mother no matter what I choose!I want to work in politics or charity work - she wants me to be a nurse but I don't want to, yet she puts pressure on me to. I am only going to university because she pressured me - although now I am looking forward to my course.She won't support my wedding because my fiancé offered to pay for it - she thinks he's being rude and saying she can't be involved so now she won't help arrange it or show an interest.This is hurting me physically and mentally, I have terrible skin due to stress and I am so sad when I should be in the happiest time of my life. I know she's going through the menopause but I'm getting sick and tired of her pressure and disappointment - I am not a bad person.Should I leave home and please myself or stay and try and help my mother?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (14 June 2013):
 Look at these three phrases, from your submittal:
"...she tells me its because she sees more potential in me but she's not encouraging,..."
"...I can't please my mother no matter what I choose..." and,
"....but I don't want to, yet she puts pressure on me to. I am only going to university because she pressured me ..."
The first is her excuse - or "justification" for dabbling in your life, ad infinitum, and "sounding" legiiamate as she does so. It's strictly bullshit, so don't let her get away with it....
This second (quote) tells most of the story. In a word... your Mother is NEVER going to be pleased with you... no matter WHAT you do to please her. Soooo, figure THAT out, and DISCONTINUE trying to please her. After all... aren't YOU the only person you have to please??????
As for the third.... she can only "put pressure on (you)" IF you accept and react to it.... It's time to face up to it that you have to tell Mummy that her pressure is not helpful... will NOT be considered as an important facet in your decisions of what you do FOR YOURSELF... and that she is wasting her time trying to direct your life (with that pressure)..
Young lady... it's time to clip the apron strings and begin living your life as YOU wish.... for the reasons you wish.... and not - in any way - just the way, and for the reasons, that your Mother wishes...
It's also time to STOP giving her a "pass" for menopause... and remind yourself that your life is YOUR'S and your Mother's life is HER's.... and that YOU are going to live YOUR life as you wish....
Good luck....
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