A
female
age
36-40,
*issystar
writes:I need some advice and opinion here. To sum it up in a gist, my husband has been married to me for two years now, but recently I found out that he masturbates to porn. This has happened several times.When I confronted him about it, he got agitated and said "it's a man thing" and "be happy I'm not doing it with anyone else outside". His answers really make me so angry that I want to scream my lungs out. Instead of apologizing he defends himself by saying it's "normal behaviour".When I tried to initiate sex a few times, he turned away saying "he's tired" or "had a long day", but the next morning, he locks himself in another room and masturbates to porn. No words can describe how much this hurts me.I have a 10 month old girl and he says that the baby is a disturbance and if he feels horny then he is allowed to do it at anytime in his own room.I feel really angry at his actions and need some opinion/advice on what I should do. This can't go on!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2015): Cindycares mentions some details that I didn't see in your original post.
YOUR HUSBAND ONCE ATTEMPTED TO KILL YOU???!!!
This isn't about porn and verbal-abuse; you're married to a psychopath, and you're worried about him using porn???
He has no doubt messed-up your mind; and you don't seem to have a thorough grasp on reality. You're not able to identify or distinguish what's "bad", from what's "worse.
You really need to get the hell out of that marriage and find some-place to hide. You actually need to go to a women's shelter where you can receive intensive-counseling and therapy for battered and psychologically-abused wives.
Either you're making-up stuff as you go, or maybe those were details from another OP's post? It appears both you and your husband are in serious need of psychological therapy and long-term treatment.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 April 2015):
 OP , you have a husband who basically tried to kill you within 3 months from getting married ,... and you worry about PORN ?...
And no ,of course , as a married person, he is NOT allowed to do everything he wants as long as he does not hit you. That should hardly come as a surprise to you ( or to him ) if you had a slight idea of what obligations and responsibilities people freely COMMITS to accept ; including that of not meeting love or sex objects behind your spuse's back.
So, no, obviously what he does is not acceptable- but why do you ask, since, you ARE accepting it anyway ?
You've got parents- go back to them until you can stand again on your own feet. Maybe you don't like the idea for a matter of saving face... understandable, perhaps... but... it's always more important to save your NECK than to save your face.
You say that the physical abuse has stopped, .. just like that..., but you can't be sure that things will stay this way. Maybe now he spares you just because you have such a young child at home and she's sort of like your shield, for all you know the moment she is in elementary, or in daycare, he'll turn against you again and start again just where he left.
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reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 April 2015):
 Abuse is abuse... cheating is cheating.. and NO he is NOT allowed to do as he wants as long as he doesn't hit you what a crock.
Can you in any way shape or form leave this loser?
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female
reader, missystar +, writes (1 April 2015):
missystar is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for all your answers.
The abused has stopped, however he now verbally abuses me from time to time. In fact he once said to me that "as long as I don't hit you, I'm allowed to do what I want, even if that means meeting other women without you knowing."
Is this acceptable at all?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2015):
 Thank you for that link, Janniepeg. OP, what has changed from the first few months of the marriage until now? Is he abusive? You say you have a young daughter.
Why are you staying with an abusive, neglectful man? You'll be teaching her that this is the norm...
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 March 2015):
 You felt like screaming not because of porn, but because your husband is abusive. It's a sickening thought that you still want to have sex with a man who has the potential to kill you.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-think-i-need-to-leave-this-troubled.html
Maybe he toned down on the abuse, but porn is a tiny problem compared to what you were used to.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (31 March 2015):
I guess it's a woman thing to not need sex, to only wait for sex when husband feels like it, and to ask for sex is an annoying woman thing. Being tired and stressed out is a man thing, and never a woman thing. It's a man thing not being able to get aroused by a new mom.
The little girl would grow up and sleeping schedule would be stabilized. If he uses other excuses to not have sex then I would feel the love is no longer there. You have to ask him if a sexless marriage is what you can expect.
His communication style is very cold. You have to explain to him why it hurts you. A considering husband would hug you and promise that sex would resume some time, rather than just say get over it! And stop being a burden! Maybe it's not the porn that's so damaging. It's the fact that he's treating you like you are invisible and your feelings don't matter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2015): We often get a one-sided story about a partner and the use of porn. Not knowing both sides, it can't be determined what the general atmosphere is like in a marriage, or between a couple. Nor how frequently porn is consumed.
One time is too many, for a woman disgusted by it.
In your case, maybe he started using it regularly during your pregnancy; and he's gotten a little hooked on it. It is time to wean himself off dependency, or it will become an addiction. He is a husband and a father. Your needs and feelings should be his top-priority.
Now it's time for a little education about men. Things he can't really articulate to your understanding. Nor can I, but I express myself pretty well.
In most situations, the wife or girlfriend is the frustrated party; while the husband or boyfriend is the one who indulges in porn as a sexual-alternative to making love to his partner. Usually it's a healthy supplement, and sex-aid. Some guys steal ideas to improve their love-making techniques.
The reasons will vary according to who you ask. Why would a grown-man prefer getting-off to video images rather than enjoying the sex he has on demand, right next to him? Why would he prefer masturbation to real sex?
Generally, it's just selfishness. A desire for variety. Getting-off quickly with no responsibility to take care of the needs of his partner. Visual-stimulation from fantasy creatures, and no concern if your technique sucks; and the biggest reason has to be there is always a happy-ending.
I believe sex is a form of communication. Reinforcement of the chemistry between two people. The emotional-catalyst that ignites that fire that burns through passion. A way to express affection, and best of all...you get-off!!!
Relationships get disjointed and people emotionally lose touch with their partners. I think a lot of people just get bored with each other, and the sex becomes predictable and too familiar. Trouble with finances, illnesses, stress from work, and frequent fighting; are the usual factors that pulls us apart. So many guys have found porn to be an alternative to cheating, or an escape from a partner full of vinegar, complaints, insecurities, or neediness. Yes, we need an escape from reality! It's no easier being a man, than being a woman. Maybe harder, because we're expected to be stronger, unemotional, protective, and have all the answers. Expected not to be too soft on the one-hand, but demanded to be affectionate by our romantic-partners on the other. Some guys lack that flexibility. Some are lousy in bed, and they know it. They might be quick-squirts, and pop their cork in three minutes. Some guys have tiny-penis syndrome, and avoid real sex as often as possible; to bypass their anxieties about it.
Oh, we get a grand list of what porn does to women who don't like it. Discovering their man uses porn lowers their self-esteem, destroys their self-confidence, grosses them out, makes them body-conscious/self-conscious, stirs-up porn-jealousy, it leaves women sexually-unfulfilled, they suspect he might be gay, fearful he wants to cheat, maybe she isn't sexy like the porn-actresses, he likes younger chicks, and they feel neglected. Many guys just get tired of trying to make an unresponsive lifeless-lover orgasm. No matter how hard they try. Nothing! Sometimes sex is sloppy, messy, loose, and icky. Because he's a guy; we have no right to be disgusted by that. Well, the reality is. Sometimes we are. Sometimes we like it like that, but it isn't.
Back to lost communication. If you fight a lot. Complain and nag about every little thing. It widens the gap in communication, and lessens sexual-attraction between you and your mate. That's not your fault, it just happens sooner or later to every long-term commitment between two people. You fall off-balance and out of sync. You lose your rhythm as a couple. I'm not making this stuff up. I've been there and done that. Read every damned thing I could about it.
How you interact with each other during anger or frustration, directly effects your intimacy. I don't feel sexy toward someone who calls me names or nags at me. I don't hold grudges. People who do, and pout like children; turn me off. It puts distance between me and that person. I always try to apologize as quickly as I can, to ease tensions. If that person rejects that effort, I can't feel warm and cuddly towards that person. I might remember the last evil thing you said to hit below the belt. It echos in the back of my mind, until I see the change in you. I easily forgive, because it's my nature. My partner isn't totally like that. Some people need time.
Often times, your man is curious to try things he knows you will not want to do. Mostly, it's just that guys get bored with sex with the same person; over and over. It sounds awful, but that's usually the case. Women hate being with a guy who can't find that "spot." He hates hunting for it, if he never finds it. We all have several erogenous-zones. Most people don't even know what that is; or even where it is!!! The fun is trying to find it. Not when you just want to get-off, roll-over, and go to sleep. Porn offers
immediate sexual-gratification for a man. No worries!
You can insist that there be no more porn in your house; and regulate when he is allowed to masturbate. It might be tough being a jerk-off nazi; because it's done in private and you would have to watch his every move. Never allow him to be alone. That is, if you think that would improve your love-life. I have serious doubt it would. Careful not to remind him of his angry mother. That image sticks!
People with a generally good love-connection between them, who practice honesty, and maintain a healthy open-line of communication; usually have very active, consistent, and happy sex-lives. They also know variety and creativity keeps a spark going.
Now let's be realistic. There is no couple in a long-term commitment that will not hit that snag or that rut; when their sex-life gets a bit stagnant. Anyone who denies it is flat-out lying. Don't believe people who claim their bedroom is always on fire, and they're a couple of rabbits all the time. It just isn't true. I was in a happy 28 year relationship, and I know. It wasn't always perfect. When it was good, it was absolutely delicious!!! Sometimes not.
You think people married 50 years always have fabulous rabbit-furious sex? No, they don't! They lie if they claim otherwise. The love is the only thing that stays consistent.
The sexual-attraction fluctuates. The mood comes and goes.
He might sneak-off to pleasure himself now and then. So will she. Regardless of age, creed, race, religion, or sexual-orientation.
Sexually, you have peaks and valleys in your love-life. He or she just loses interest; or just needs a break when it becomes too boring and repetitive. When you aren't getting along; and when he doesn't feel you really want sex, you're just testing him. Many women think forcing sex on a man will dampen his desire for other women or porn. To a degree it does, but realistically he can sense your insecurity. That kills the mood, and he goes limp. He knows the sex is coming from a place other than your heart. We're naturally intuitive of our lovers. The sex reflects your mood.
The cruelest reason of all; is when your body has gone to pot, and he just doesn't feel attraction for it. This is usually only temporary, but sometimes for good. We may as well be realistic. Some truths are ugly and cruel. We men are visual-creatures. We get aroused by what we see.
Child-birth sometimes makes vaginas seem looser. He doesn't get the same pleasure as usual. So he waits for things to tighten-up again. If he told you that, you'd be devastated.
Most men can't explain why they choose porn over their mates. Many guys are no longer happy in their relationships and simply have lost "all" attraction to their partner. He's the one who has to get and maintain an erection. That's something you can't fake; so he has more pressure on his performance than the female in the relationship.
A caustic-personality in your partner erodes your sexual desire for them. You can't always be sweet and bubbly. You get annoyed and downright pissed-off sometimes. Porn is a good escape when your lady's period visits, or you seem annoyed with his existence. He gets lost in a virtual world of sexual-fantasy and forgets his troubles. He mentally performs unsavory sexual acts, but they're purely imaginary. He knows the different between reality and fantasy. Sick people don't. Liking porn isn't sick, just disturbing to some people. Addiction to it, is sick. Using it, doesn't mean you're addicted to it. Big question-mark if you prefer it to real sex! It's just a naughty habit, mostly enjoyed by men.
There is no performance-anxiety when you're selfishly spanking the monkey for immediate pleasure and self-gratification. Porn helps guys get there faster.
You can't expect females, with your different plumbing; and different mental-programming by nature, to get it. Fortunately, all men aren't into porn. We do get bored all the same, and it will become an issue within a relationship now and then; when he isn't as interested in sex as usual.
Loving-couples work it out, like any other problem. There has to be communication about your feelings, you have to stop being his mother about it. I suspect some of the aunts or anonymous female readers will not like most of what I've presented here. There has to be an honest male-perspective on this issue, and the point is to bring some understanding to this worn-out topic. Your man was being brutally honest, but not accurate, by claiming it's a "man-thing." Many women like porn too. Unfortunately, he doesn't honestly give his personal-reasons for masturbating to porn, and rejecting his wife.
Your situation may require some marriage-counseling; because you have a break-down in communication. He is too dismissive of your needs and your feelings. He's selfish, and somewhat nasty about it. There are general problems in your marriage, and your intimacy is being affected by it.
I don't care for porn. It has never been significant in my life; but being a guy, I understand what it does for some men. I neither condone nor condemn the use. I do care about how it negatively effects my partner, or how it could negatively effect me. I have empathy for women; so I gave you some information from a male perspective. Not to make you understand, but to give you food for thought. You may never understand, and really don't have to. Your concern is intimacy that has been lost. That requires some work. His use of porn isn't a subject a guy likes chatting about with his spouse; unless she'd like to share in viewing it.
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (30 March 2015):
 Unfortunately, whether a partner uses porn whilst being in a relationship is acceptable or not, will always be a grey area. It really depends on who you pose this question to, some will agree with it (in fact, some actually do encourage this behaviour), and some absolutely abhor it with the mindset that this will tantamount to cheating.
We know what your viewpoint is on this, but therein lies the problem - your partner does not share this view. Is this something you absolutely cannot and will not accept in what you deem a healthy relationship? If so, you need to make this clear with your partner, but don't be surprised if he refuses to change, as he might just see this as a difference in opinions. Would you be willing to put up with it if you were 'aware' of his porn using, but at the same no longer privy to the 'when', 'what', and 'where's?
I am not offering my opinion of whether his actions are wrong or right, but sometimes, it is good to put things into perspective. You might get him to stop by force, but will that eventually drive him away, and if a relationship is working great, wouldn't a little bit of compromise go a long way?
Hope this helps.
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