A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry this is a long one but I'd really appreciate some advice please. My boyfriend and I had been together almost five months but have known each other for about a year. We work in the same place but in different departments. There'd always been a spark and he'd tried pursuing me but I hadn't taken any interest to begin with. We got closer around xmas time and started dating in February. We had the most amazing relationship. We both had said that we had a stronger bond than we'd ever had with anyone else. We tackled any problems together as a team (as I do tend to get a bit insecure) and I can honestly say we trusted and loved each other so much. We both commented about how easy it was and how much we just click. Despite us both being super busy we spent an awful lot of time together and were very loved up. A couple of months in he expressed that he wanted us to save up to buy a house together next year. This sounds crazy and we were both aware of that but we were also extremely certain that it was what we wanted. We get on extremely well with each others families and friends - often spending time with them too. Everything was perfect - I'd even gotten to the point that I was completely secure in the relationship...any slight niggle I had was quickly extinguished because I knew he loved me.Until his nan died. She'd been ill for a while but was recovering and then died suddenly. The first thing he did when he found out was call me just to "hear my voice" and say that he was going home to see his parents but that he'd need me that evening and told me he loved me. Within a few hours he'd decided that he didn't want to meet up. From this point on things weren't the same. We didn't spend as much time together and he seemed to withdraw from everything he enjoys.After the funeral (which he didnt want me to attend) we spoke and eventually he broke down. Asked me what was wrong with him, wanted cuddling and comforting and said he'd been struggling to deal with it so had shut everything out. We spoke it through - how he was feeling about everything and it seemed to help. He said in the past when he'd felt like this (depressed for want of a better term) that he'd ended relationships and changed jobs. He'd been looking at other jobs recently and I reminded him he loves his job and he said yeah he does.. and that he thought about ending things with us too but that he couldn't even bear to think about that. That he couldn't lose me. This was followed by a week of closeness.Then he began to withdraw again. We'd barely seen each other and he'd stopped ringing me on his daily commute home - something we both used to cherish. He had said to me three days before that he loved me and that he'd been chatting with some of his friends and they were moaning about their girlfriends and he'd said that he was happy and told me he was so lucky to have me. I said that we were lucky to have each other. A couple of days later I had stated that something felt wrong and we agreed to meet up. He turned up shaking and crying and said he wanted to end it. That he didnt love me anymore, didnt feel a spark/connection, saw me as more of a friend. By the end of the conversation he had changed his mind and we agreed to try to make it work, to go back to spending more time together like we used to. He had admitted that he felt embarrassed about not dealing with his Nan dying, that people die all of the time and it shouldn't affect him like this. That he doesn't want to get up to go to work in the mornings. That he will be speaking to someone and then wants them to F*** off for no reason. That he doesnt enjoy his hobbies. That he has felt numb and that he had let himself go physically. His Mum had suggested that he see a councillor and I talked him into this - he rang to make an appointment with his GP and has been referred.For the following week it was amazing. We spent time doing everyday things together - washing the cars, baking cakes for work, going to the gym, and just hanging out. I was scared about being intimate with him after him saying there was no connection but when the time came it was just like old times. I had asked him how he felt - and we aren't the type of couple to ever lie and I asked him to be honest and that I knew it might not be a quick fix. He told me he was really glad that we'd decided to try, that he regretted what he said, that he did feel a connection and that he trusts me more than anyone and takes me for granted.Within 24hrs I got upset at him (was feeling insecure as he basically made me feel like I couldn't go to a work event) and he told me it was over. That he doesnt want us. That he wants to go travelling and focus on work and doesnt want a relationship. That we dont work. That we dont have enough in common. We spoke at length and he made it absolutely clear that he is still closer to me than anyone else and wants to remain friends.This all happened around a month ago. Since this my ex has turned into a completely different person. When he ended it he was clearly upset but said he still wanted to stay friends etc. In the following few days I’d sent him a very long message basically saying that I wanted us to sort everything out and I want to be there for him through whatever he is going through. I then saw him after a work event and asked if I could have a quick word - to which he was pretty rude and took the attitude of “I’m done with us. I don’t want to talk” etc etc and was just generally cold and annoyed. There was a work night out a few days later and I knew he was getting the last train home from it so I went for drinks with a friend and met up with the work lot after he had left. Whilst there I got a lot of attention from some guys we met out - three of which tried to give me their numbers and I declined (I literally did nothing with any of them apart from group dancing/chatting). Everyone was pretty drunk and my work mates tried to encourage me to go there, my ex’s friend even asked why I wouldn’t and I replied because I want my ex back, because I love him. His response was “but have you seen that last guy? He looks like god compared to your ex!” - and that’s coming from his friend, charming right? Bearing in mind this friend also tried to ask me out before my ex and I got together. After all of this I text my ex what had happened that night and stressed that I did absolutely nothing, that I want him back - purely because my workplace is Chinese whispers and you can guarantee that by the end of day Monday half the people would probably be saying I slept with them. He didn’t reply and I found out that same day that he was on tinder. I was so upset at this - especially after having been loyal that I downloaded it myself and quickly started speaking to a very nice guy and arranged a date with him. Turns out this guy is best mates with the bloke my ex plays golf with so figured I should tell him before someone else did. I’d also said to tell me if he didnt want me to go and I wouldn’t but that I wasnt going to wait around if he wasn’t. I’ve had absolutely no contact from him since apart from a rather nasty message telling me to move on and that he is mentally fine now. There was another night out before the summer that I did not attend. The bloke I had been on a couple of dates with saw my work lot out and knows one of the guys so was chatting to him. My ex saw this and I’m assuming recognised the guy and later that evening pulled one of the girls in my department* away from the group and told her he had feelings for her. She told him a million and one reasons why it’ll never happen between them and thinks he’s a creep. He also blocked me on facebook that night. *this girl was someone that I’d been quite insecure about during our relationship. During a Christmas work do (before we got together) my ex had text me asking where I was and I’d replied that I wasn’t going. He ended up kissing one of the girls that night, and then also kissing this girl in my department (although he was so drunk that he didnt remember and the boys had to tell him the next day). After this on his way home he’d been drunk texting me. During our relationship I’d been a little insecure about her even though he gave me no reason to be and had said that all the guys think she’s a slut when she’s drunk because she just gets with anyone. I was extremely angry when I found out he’d tried it on with her and told him so but he has ignored any communication from me. He isnt even ‘reading’ my messages anymore. Previous to finding out I’d been away on holiday and he had been watching my snapchat story daily during this time for my updates. I can’t make sense of the situation. Is this all because he is still grieving? Everyone that knows him said he’s acted like a completely different person towards me. I still love him and I want to work through this all with him but he’s turned so nasty and it hurts. I just want it to go back to how it was. We don't go back to work for a few weeks but I'm worried about how I'll deal with that. My work friends are all close to him also. I dont think I can cope with seeing him.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2018): I dont think its grief. I think he is just into playing the field.
Every time you ask him if its ok for you to do such with someone else he gets annoyed.
And you are a popular girl.
Playing it safe with a jerk isnt going to stop him from being a jerk.
I think he is cutting loose and I wish you would harden your heart a bit as you are getting demoralised.
Failing that you could change jobs and create a new work life.
But it is totally up to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2018): Don’t date colleagues, ever!! Never ever!!
end of story.
You’ll need to just get over it
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 August 2018):
 I’m pretty sure you’ve posted here before as your question sounds very familiar.
Why are you putting yourself through this? Honestly?
People deal with grief in different ways, whatever works for them but this guy has been a complete asshole with you. Wants you one minute, doesn’t want to hear from you the next. That is NOT acceptable under any circumstances. That puts a lot of strain on someone’s mental well-being to be pulled close and then pushed away rapidly in a short space of time.
The relationship is over. You need to learn to accept it, you are fascinated with the potential of what the relationship could of been. You’re not looking at the actual state of it. He is being a dick, there’s no two ways about it. He is treating you in a shitty manner and you’re ignoring it because you still have the rose tinted glasses on. How long are you willing to let this guy control your feelings for?
I think most people at one time in their life come across someone who it feels like is the one. The sun shines out of their ass, you are inseparable, the feeling of inexplicable bliss sometimes feels overwhelming but you wouldn’t have it any other way because they’re ‘the one’. Although the thing is that they aren’t. They’re terrible for you, the rising romance turns into nothing but a toxic mess that brings out the absolute worst in both parties. All those amazing memories become overshadowed by the feeling of heartbreak wondering where it all went wrong. I’ve had a similar experience although not through someone grieving but from a situation where I felt it was meant to be and it all came tumbling down. You aren’t a match for each other, accept it. You have to or you will never move on and you’ll be pining for someone who is very clear now that he doesn’t want anything to do with you.
Just forget the reconciliation. Get it out of your head. You’re becoming desperate and losing the ability to think clearly. If you could then you’d realise what a huge mess this is and that it’s never going to work. He has blocked you, that is the best thing for it, you need to go no contact. Stop checking if he’s watching your snapchat, who cares? How do you know he doesn’t just skip through them? It doesn’t mean he cares because he watches them.
You’ll feel shitty for as long as you let it, YOU are the only person that can get your head straight and pull yourself out of this slump. I managed to do it and I’m now in a relationship with someone that I truly know is the one as i know what signs to look for now in a toxic relationship. So do you.
Let this be a lesson to NEVER get involved with people you work with.
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