A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Here is the short version for those who don't want too much background:In a relationship for 10 years. Relationship is good 95% of the time but any time conflict arises and my girlfriend gets mad she breaks up, says she doesn't want to be with me anymore because "it shouldn't be so hard." It has been almost two years since our last "big" fight but it happened again and she has broken up again.Longer version with more detail:My girlfriend and I are both divorced and have been together 10 years. We do not live together because she has children but our plan is to move in together after her youngest son turns 18 in 3 more years. There are no external problems with the relationship (her family and her children love me, mine love her, we have mutual friends, etc.; hell, I'm even great friends with her ex-husband). Despite not living together we're pretty enmeshed in each other's lives. Last week we took our kids on a ski vacation together, had a great time. Christmas was great. Talked about another ski trip in February.Before I get to the latest problem, I'll give a little background on our "fighting history." We used to argue a lot more about little things (so little I can't even think of good examples). When we would argue she would belittle me and break up. I'm more of a problem solver so I would usually use logic and, more often than not, accept blame for our arguments even if I thought she was partly to blame. After a few days of me "talking her back into the relationship" we would be good until the next time. As time passed we fought less and less but even then it was the same process of "saving the relationship" with me doing the work.A few of years ago we had an argument and she broke up again and I did not even try to save the relationship. I just couldn't do it anymore so I didn't do anything. After a couple of weeks of no contact with each other she called and asked if I was "done." I said I'm never done, because I think our relationship is good, it's just the WAY we fight that's bad. We ended up staying together. About a year later we had another fight (a very, very stupid one and I do remember that one but I don't think it will add to the analysis). She broke up again. So, I agreed. I returned all of her things and got mine. I took down pictures on social media and put up new pictures of just me (not to be mean, but just because I was no longer with her). I was miserable but determined to see it through. I took care of myself and started hesitantly going on a few dates. We didn't talk for about 6 or 7 weeks. Then a friend of hers saw me out on a date and within 15 minutes she was calling me. I didn't answer, of course, because I was on a date. She sent me a few text messages along the lines of "I guess you're just going to ignore my calls and texts."Later that night I called her and we talked for several hours. I told her I loved her but I couldn't be with someone who basically threw me away any time I made her mad, that it made me insecure in the relationship, made me feel like I was always on the edge of being discarded and generally just made me feel like I wasn't worth much to her. I told her I didn't want to get back together and I meant it. But over the next several days/weeks she was much more reasonable and appealed to me by noting that every time I tried to get us back together in past fights she eventually agreed and I owed her that at least once if I still loved her. That was persuasive to me because she sounded as desperate as I had been on so many other occasions. So we worked it out.That was in January of 2019. Other than a few things that didn't escalate to arguments, we haven't really fought since then until last Saturday night. But before I get to that, there's additional background...My girlfriend is very social and has a lot of friends. Her "best" friend is another man. They were friends before I even met her, we're all friends now, I don't have any problem with that. If they had any romantic possibilities, it would have happened before me. But her besty recently reconnected with an old friend of his from college who has now become part of my girlfriend's circle of friends. I do have a problem with that guy. He does things like, if he drops his napkin on the floor at a restaurant he will reach over and grab my girlfriend's napkin off of her lap and wipe his mouth then put it back on her lap. He makes sexually inappropriate jokes or innuendo that are subtle but are directed toward my girlfriend. He calls any of the girls in the circle of friends "baby" and hugs them when he arrives at a gathering. Not long ago he arrived at a party and approached from behind my girlfriend and slapped her on the butt. While I usually don't make a scene, I did that time and told him in front of everybody that his behavior was unacceptable and if it didn't stop I would become physically violent with him. He apologized profusely. My girlfriend did not get mad at me for making a scene and even said she thought it was an appropriate response to him slapping her butt.However, he has continued with the things that are subtle so that I can't make a scene without looking like I'm crazy, but he's still flirty with my girlfriend. She says he's just a "nice" and "friendly" guy and that is his personality and he's like that with everyone and besides, she would never fall for anything even if he tried something with her (which is true, I know she wouldn't cheat). Also, he's married with two small children, which my girlfriend thinks is significant but I don't think it matters. He never brings his wife with him when he comes out.So back to Saturday...We had a weekend planned for us just to do things together as a couple but a coworker of hers had a party on Saturday night for her daughter's 21st birthday and invited us all. There was a group text that included my girlfriend and me and also this guy I don't like. Everybody on the group text says they're coming/going to the party, but not this guy. Later, at dinner before the party, my girlfriend tells me this guy is coming to join us at dinner and then going to the party with us. What? First of all, why does he need to join us for dinner, and second of all, why was his communication with her not in the group text that everyone else was using? He had apparently been texting her all afternoon about going to the party, having drinks before, etc.So, this pissed me off. I will admit it, I got mad. I wasn't mean but I told her I didn't want him joining us for dinner and that I thought it was inappropriate for them to be having a one-on-one text conversation about the same topic that everyone else was talking about in group. We got into a huge fight, she said that I am an insecure person and that I have jealousy "issues." She said I don't trust her (and I explained I do trust her, just not this one guy). And of course, she broke up again. When I called her out on using the break-up tactic again she told me that there has to be consequences for my behavior and that if she were to overlook my insecurity and jealousy that it would just continue, if she were to say that the relationship wasn't threatened then that would just teach me I can say or do whatever I want with no consequences so it's time to end the relationship. Now here are my dilemmas: 1) I still don't like this other guy and never will; 2) I do love her and think if we go through our "process" we'll be fine for another couple of years until we have another fight; 3) However, I'm VERY tired of the break-up-make-up game she plays and disturbed by her reasoning that she has to punish me to control what she views as bad behavior; 4) I truly don't want to end our relationship, but I can't deal with this anymore.So my question is, if I really do love her and want a future with her, is dealing with this process on the rare occasion we have a big fight worth it? I've given up on thinking it will change, I know now that it's just how she is and how she handles conflict. I'm feeling like it's not worth is but I also don't want to regret ending a relationship that I otherwise love with a woman that I love but for her style of conflict resolution.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2021): I'm sure you wrote in a couple of years ago and said back then you was going to end it for good, which in fairness you did and was determined to do, but she reeled you back in...Only you know if the dates you had were an actual attempt to move on or to try and evoke a reaction from her, which it did.But I have to agree with the advice you have been given to this most recent fallout with nothing else to add, just as I did a couple of years ago with the general consensus that this relationship is not one of equality but a very one sided one in which you are on the end of a piece of string being jiggled around by the puppet on the end of it.Rather than think you have invested so much time I would ask yourself if this is worth any more years of investment, it does come across that all is well between the big splits based on your quiet compliance.There's a lot of game playing in this relationship and she absolutely knows she has the upper hand, sorry but that's just not a basis for a relationship.It's your life OP I think you honestly need to have a good think about where this is really going if I'm honest
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2021): This is one of those posts where I would love to hear the other side. There are a few things in your post that I think you're hoping people will gloss over. First that you resorted to threatening violence with this 'other guy' rather than just telling him not to behave like that towards your girlfriend anymore. Do you always so easily resort to violence? Secondly 'I admit it, I got mad.' What does that mean, what did that look like?Thirdly that you glossed over the 'very, very stupid argument,' that you don't want to go into details about. Why not? Was was it about? What happened? I think you wrote for advice, not because of your arguments, after which she leaves (again, I'd love to know why she leaves....I left my boyfriend many times because of his threatening and violent behaviour, I'm not saying that that's the reason in her case), but because you know that this 'other guy' is going to be around for a while. You may get over her reaction to your reaction about the texting and inviting him for dinner (and I agree with you there, I would not put up with that kind of 'secret' communication, it isn't normal in this situation I don't think. I think he's trying to move in on her and she seems to be allowing it) but because you don't know what to do about this man and how your girlfriend is behaving towards him. I think you have to stand your ground about this. This guy is trying it on. She has presented you with a fait accompli, he is already coming to dinner. You should BOTH have been involved in this communication and this invitation. You are being excluded from this process for a reason. They are BOTH trying to push your buttons. IF your girlfriend was being open about him and trying to thwart his attempts to get in touch with her, well then you could trust her and know she won't go for his flirting, but she's engaging with him and courting his attention. If I were you, I would leave her to it permanently. It sounds as if you would BOTH be happier.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2021): You are too old to be chasing this woman, time and time again. It truly is time to move on and find someone that isn't willing to run away at the first upset.
You had it right 2 years ago and need to accept these eruptions are not worth being on eggshells, waiting for the next one to occur.
btw, there are a lot of women in your age group that would love to find a decent single man. Just give them the opportunity to find you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2021): This reminds me of a relationship between two 20 year olds - not two fully mature grown adults.
Relationships should contain understanding, communication, recognising each other’s feelings and taking them into account. Not breaking up every time you don’t get your way. It’s manipulative. It’s childish. Most mature adult couples if they have an argument, talk it through, compromise and come to a resolution together. What she is doing here is saying ‘it’s my way or the high way’.
She is not allowing you to express your feelings or have your say. She is deliberately dismissing you and your emotions like you are not allowed them at all.
She does this because she KNOWS you will never leave her. You will come crawling back taking the blame for everything. All the while she LOVES the fact that you can’t live without her (or think you can’t). She LOVES the fact that you will take the blame - leaving her as the poor innocent victim. It’s controlling too. She knows exactly how to get what she wants from you and to get her way. People will only treat you as you allow them too. You have put up with this silly behaviour for so long that she knows she can’t get away with it over and over again.
You say you only argue once every couple of years. Are you sure that’s because you deliberately avoid an argument scared that she will leave you? Until you can’t take anymore? Do you constantly walk on egg shells around her afraid of an argument?
If so, not only is she dismissing your emotions, but YOU are also dismissing your own. Burying your emotions deep within you as to keep the peace. That is not healthy and that is not a normal relationship.
I agree with what other posters have said about conflict resolution (or her lack of). Children learn conflict resolution growing up through their parents/teachers etc. Children who don’t learn this skill usually have a bad role model who is also lacking this skill - or has no boundaries at home. I would suggest laying down some boundaries with her. But she is a grown adult and it’s way too late for that now. She will never change all the while she knows you will come crawling back.
As for the jealousy thing. This whole area really grinds my gears. Jealousy is a human NATURAL emotion. It’s one of the main emotions humans have. It’s our motivation and our drive to seek what we want from life. Our instinct telling us something is wrong. EVERYONE has jealousy in them (albeit some people worse then others). These people need to learn to control the emotion just like any other I.e anger. And anyone who says they aren’t jealous at all is lying. So when there is an issue like this the first thing people do is throw the ‘jealousy’ card in the other persons face. Your alarm bells are ringing because you KNOW the situation with this guy isn’t right.
Most people in this situation would understand where you are coming from. Maybe you do trust her. Maybe she is loyal. But there will always be this nagging feeling in you that she could fall for this guys charms and drop you for him in an instant. It does and can happen.
Unfortunately for you she LOVES this guys attention. She knows full well he finds her attractive. He showers her with compliments and makes her feel good. This is why she keeps him around. She also loves the fact that you hate it. It’s extra attention for her. She has two men fighting for her affections and it’s a real ego boost for her. Any secure woman in a happy relationship would dismiss this guy completely.
At the end of the day, the biggest issue for me would be that she is dismissing your feelings. And in turn you are also dismissing your own feelings to keep the peace. She will never change and you can never be truly happy living your life on egg shells. She is playing games with you and playing with your emotions. She doesn’t care enough about you to easily discard you every now and then. It’s all a fun little game to her. She is insecure and needs to push boundaries to feel wanted and needed. Pushing your buttons to feel better about herself. You need to stop giving into her. She will make you more unhappier. You cannot help with each other’s insecurities. I’d leave and find someone who truly appreciates you and values having you on their life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2021): Most people fear abandonment. Some people are more susceptible to anxiety over separation than others. Separation-anxiety is often exploited or inflicted; if one of the couple notices breaking-up or distancing causes emotional-trauma to their partner/victim. Like the silent-treatment, it becomes a very effective tool; if a loved-one pulls-away, and refuses to reciprocate love or affection. Silence is also the poison on the tip of the arrow; and that's what makes the separation so lethal.
Note you say you are the one who makes all the effort to get her back when you breakup. She knows how upset or anxious you'll get when she breaks things off; denying you any opportunity to resolve the conflict through discussion, or blocking all attempts to make any compromise. Putting-up a barrier you cannot penetrate.
A failure or breakdown in communication disallows any discussion to diffuse conflict; thus giving her power over your feelings. This allows her to weaponize your insecurity. She waits patiently until anxiety overwhelms you, and you desperately plead for her return. You may have inadvertently made your fear of abandonment known to her in an intimate discussion. Therefore, equipping her with a very effective means to break you down; rendering you weak and powerless. E.g. telling anyone you can't live without them is the dumbest remark anyone could ever make. Even if that were true, how many egos can handle such power? They're going to be tempted to test that declaration. "I love you" said with deep sincerity is more than enough. You've been tested several times over; and the outcome is predictable. Yes, you should fight for a good relationship, tooth and nail! With this caveat. When you catch-on that you're being taken for a ride, and somebody is toying with your affections; it's time to wise-up!!!
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me! If you allow people to exploit your weaknesses and your feelings for them for too long; there will come a time of reckoning. Built-up anger and resentment will get the better of you. Often that's when vengeance or retribution is likely to go further than it should. You're angry at the wrong person, if you've let it go too far! You're too old for these kind of games. You're not in your teens or 20's anymore!
For best effect, the disconnection is abrupt; she becomes closed to any discussion. She knows with no uncertainty that you won't end the relationship; because several times in the past you've always given-in. She beats you to the draw every time! You're never the one to call it quits! You've even verbally asserted the fact you'll never give-up.
Each time, you'll plead a good case to get her back; while you assume all the blame. All she wants to know is how badly you want her back? She just holds-out until you reach your breaking-point. Now she has discovered another insecurity. "Jealousy!" Anything that challenges the male-ego or pride is also a very effective weapon. You've threatened someone with violence, publicly! In-front of her, and other witnesses! Didn't you say he's like that with other women? A very foolish move on your part! Better hope nothing every happens to him! Thus she pulls farther away from you, and even closer to your nemesis. Down-playing the seriousness of his bad-behavior; and gaslighting you for your concern that his behavior is way out-of-line for a married-man! Not to dismiss the fact that it is disrespectful to his wife, his marriage, to her, towards you, and your relationship. She knows how to play your insecurities against you.
On-again/off-again relationships are nothing but perpetual head-games mostly played between people who are basically incompatible. It's further complicated by immaturity or insecurities. Worst case scenario, is when one of the couple might possess a narcissistic or borderline personality. You don't have to fight frequently, the fights can be trivial. It's the underlying or recurrent themes of these fights that are tell-tale signs that they aren't really working. You might think the reasons are trivial...but why does she breakup? You fail to see the significance of the recurrent pattern. Children don't need to go through such nonsense between parents!
All couples have disagreements; and some breakup, only to make up. Sometimes people just get caught-up in a perpetual-cycle; because they are terrified of being alone or abandoned. They would rather live with the devil, than be left by themselves. There are also people who just enjoy drama! They stir things up when they get bored; and need some intrigue and excitement in a mundane or complacent relationship. One that is lacking passion, or gone stale from the wear and tear of time. Sometimes women get antsy when they notice their long-term relationship isn't evolving, or showing no signs of leading to marriage. They try to shake things up to see if they can push a stagnant-relationship towards the next step...marriage! Utter-frustration by this point drives some people to do some really crazy or mind-boggling things. Maybe it's poop or get-off the pot time!!!
It's possible she truly means it this time; but it also seems she's going to have a little fun fiddling with your insecurities in the process. You dated...that's asking for it! I suggest you back-off, avoid confrontations; and don't hangout with mutual-friends for awhile. Most of all, act your age!
It's time to call her bluff, and not go back. She's playing a deadly-game, by pitting you against a guy she knows makes you jealous. That's stooping to a new low, and it might be an indication you need to let-go; and let this breakup stick! She's plucking the final-nerve! Your nerves are wearing thin, and won't tolerate much more provocation. There's a needling element, that guy! Watch it!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 January 2021):
 1. I don't understand people who do this. OVER and OVER. Your relationship with her is it epitome of " “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
2. I get that you two have been together (on and off) for a long time and there are good times, lovely people involved but how many times does she has to punch you before you walk away for good?
3. you KNEW this was coming. Yet you chose to play dumb.
4. It doesn't MATTER how little to "trust" this other sleazy dude, what does matter is WHETHER you trust her to shut things down if sleazy dude got TOO inappropriate. It's NOT your just to "defend her honor" not is it your job to determine who she can text on a one/on/one basis. She is a WHOLE grown woman. She is FULLY OLD enough to establish boundaries. Which she has chosen NOT to with him, for whatever reason - my guess? vanity. She enjoys the drama and attention he gives her.
5. I think you NEED to accept that she will NEVER change. She won't become a "conflict resolution expert" anytime soon, If at all. Because? Her method apparently WORKS for her.
She sounds immature, and so do you.
The fact that you guys can't cohabit until her son is 18 is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. I think it's more about the fact that IF you lived together she can't DUMP you so easily when she is pissed at you. Unless of course you installed a revolving door....
OP, let her go her thing and you work on your insecurities. She can't fix those for you, that is YOUR job. Don't DATE before you are over this one. And don't get caught up in any "games" of hers either.
If she down the line comes back and want to restart things, I would suggest you go have some couples counseling and LEARN how to handle conflict TOGETHER. If she will DO that for you and the relationship, then maybe there is a chance she can change. Are you also willing to change?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (1 January 2021):
 It's not "conflict resolution" though, is it? She doesn't resolve anything. It's conflict avoidance. She cannot have an argument without spitting out her dummy and running away. That's very immature for a woman of her age and does not set a good example to the children who see this time and time again.
I do a lot of work with training dogs. I know you are not a dog but please bear with me because this is relevant. When training, I firmly believe "you cannot fix fear with fear", i.e. you cannot force a fearful dog to be confident by punishing his fear. This equally applies to your insecurity. Her attempt to "fix" this by punishing you for having valid feelings will never work. She needs to re-assure you that you have nothing to worry about, to build up your faith in the strength of your relationship. She cannot just demand you feel secure.
This relationship also reminds me of dog behaviour in another way. Dogs which chase usually stop when the object of their pursuit stops. They will chase and chase all day long while their "prey" keeps running but, once it stops, they are often unsure what to do next. While your girlfriend keeps running away and you keep chasing, she will keep running, confident you will keep chasing. It's telling for me that, once you stopped chasing, she suddenly had to change tactics and be the chaser.
This sounds like one of those relationships where it will take both of you to let go at the same time, which may never happen. As long as one of you is prepared to do the chasing, the other will give in. In your shoes I would just draw a line under this relationship until such time as your girlfriend is prepared to admit that she needs to work on her conflict resolution skills. However, I doubt you will do that because you have made a point of saying how much you love her and that, in your eyes, makes the break ups worthwhile. How about finding a bit of love for yourself?
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