A
female
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anonymous
writes:My mum is trying to control my life. She is always doubtful of me, and constantly reminds me that I should do more exercise. If I mention to her that I don't get told off in school for my short skirt, because my friend's is shorter, she immediately shouts at me for being wrong. I often feel depressed but she never seems to pick up on it, and just ends up shouting at me and telling me to stop being so lazy and moody. She often tells me off for how my handwriting is (it's legible and quite neat) yet it's completely different to hers. Is she trying to live her youth again through me? Why can't she accept my decisions, (like not going to church again because I don't believe)? Please help
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (30 January 2006):
 I don't think that she is trying to live her life thru you, I think she is just trying to be a Mum and look out for you. The trouble is with being a Mum is that we think we know best when it comes to our kids, because we are older and have more life experience. Also, we have been thru a lot of the stuff you go thru as a teenager (which I am assuming you are!)and we don't want you to go thru the same pain and stuff. Anyway it sounds like she is looking out for you but it is coming across to you as criticism.
Maybe sitting her down and trying to talk to her rationally and calmly about how her behaviour is making you feel might be an option. I hope you can work thru your differences and I wish you luck.x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2006): Hun, I am not in your life and I cannot fathom what is going on, in your house with your Mother. You give us very little insight or information. But you mention some things that happens in many households where there are teens, possibly rebelling bigtime against parental rules. All I am reading-is your Mom doubts you which could mean she doesn't trust you for only reasons you and she know of...she reminds you to exercise likely because you forget and she tires of nagging you and wants you to learn to be accountable for remembering your own responsibilities....and she's telling you not to wear short skirts to school because it's against school rules. Is this right? Not going to church is a decision that hurts your Mom..you have likely been raised in a faith that is important to your family. Suddenly deciding 'not to go' is going against the family values/spiritual beliefs you have been taught.
Hun, this is Mom and Dad's home and they can make the rules they think you need to learn. Quite often, when a Mom get's like this, it could be that she is seeing her daughter (you) making poor choices. Being a Mom is a monumental task-and it involves saying 'no" in order to save their children from themselves, even when it may hinder the Mom/daughter relationship. The love is always there but some parents choose another type of love to offer guidance & direction when their kids don't listen...it's called tough love, hun. So, no...Mom is not living 'vicariously' through you. You have a problem. You do not respect your Mother and you need to find that. The kind of respect you need to honor your Mother's decisions even though you do not like them.
I will finish off this, by saying, it's your move. You owe Mom an apology and a hug. She is your Mother. Also, tell her you want to improve your relationship and you will go back to church with your family, you will exercise, and you will wear decent clothing to school. Then close your mouth and listen to her answer. Solutions are best worked out when people stop talking or thinking about what they are going to say next, and instead listen carefully. Take care and I wish you and Mom the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (29 January 2006):
 It doesn't really sound like she is trying to live though you, I mean she is not forcing you to do sports that you don't like because she always wanted to do them or anything like that. It really just sounds like she is trying to guide you in the right path, unfortunately what our mothers think isn't always what we think is the right path. Maybe you can have a sit down talk with your mom and try to let her in on your depression and how she is making that better or worse. It is a beautiful thing when we can have a n open and honest relationship with our parents. Plus once you tell her how you feel it will make it easier for her to be there for you in the way you need her to be. Good luck.
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