A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sensitive topic as I know it's controversial and I have family on this group. I would really appreciate it if it can be kept anon as it's something I've struggled with my whole life. My MIL is really interfering with the way I'm bringing up my children and my husband seems to be in denial. He never speaks up and always thinks his mum is correct. For example I have she insists that she wants me to.follow all the her family ways whrn in fact I have my own teachings that I want to show my children. So I'm deeply religious and am of hindu faith. A sister ties a string of protection for her brother on the day of Raki. As my bot doesn't have a sibling I tie it for him but she insists that's she wants to do it. I kindly told her no but she still bought one and said you tie it on him even though I already did it for him. She kept forcing her ways on how to manage my prayers and how we should pray in my house. Another one is Diwali she insisted we do the prayers in her house but we have a prayer room set up here and I want my child to know this prayer room. My husband can't see the problem where we do it as it's still.prayers but I want them to know this house as their house not grandmas. I want to teach them the prayers I grew up with and show them my values but my husband insists that he wants his values which reside in his mother. He wants his mother to teach my kids which I want to do. The last few days we have been arguing badly as I can't understand him. It's my turn to parent to mother to share my values. I sat down and tried to talk to him but it didn't work as he said he doesn't bring any of this culture so he wants his mum to represent his way which I think he's doing out of spite. I'm quite nervous to tell MY MIL as she's very controversial and woo twist stuff and turn my husband on me more. What can I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2023): Hi,
I'm a fellow Indian. I did not quite understand the rakhi bit. What I understood though is that she's forcing her ways on you.
The first and most important thing here is about you being able to efficiently draw your boundaries. It doesn't matter whether all of it goes your way. However, it's important that you command their respect.
The boundaries with your MIL- don't engage too much with her. She has too much time and energy to one up you and play games. Talking to her will be futile. Instead, minimize your interactions with her.. let her know without being very rude, that you don't care.
Boundaries with your husband- Tell him how you feel. Don't focus on complaining about your MIL. Just use 'I' statements and tell him what you want. Tell him that you want to spend the festival at your home with your children and husband. Tell him that you understand his attachment for his family of origin, but both of you are now raising your own family and you would like to focus on that. Ask if you can do it alternately, or even better.. can he come to your parents home to celebrate another function or Diwali the next year?
All this said and done, festivals are a time for family to come together and celebrate..so once in a while it's great to join them or have them join you. Also I'm considering that cultural factors can make certain things very 'normal'. In this case, we are Indians with a patriarchal culture, where it might seem normal for men to integrate their family to their family of origin. I'm not saying it's right, all I'm saying is that there's nothing personal intended.
However, it is important that you communicate your feelings to your husband and draw certain boundaries. Do it much before the festival planning begins- so that you have an upper hand and it is easier for your husband to plan how to decline his parents..and emotions aren't too high at that point. (Like say a month before Diwali). Let him handle his issues with his parents- give him the time and support to do that as it may not be easy for him to stand up to them when he's been submissive all his life to them.
Though it's hard to balance when your MIL is being dominating, ensure that it doesn't become a matter of ego. It's about you getting what your heart desires while respecting what others desire.
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