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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Dear Uncles and Aunts, I very much need your advice.You don’t have to read everything (I just realized how long it is) , this will do ;)Here’s how I feel at this moment: at 44 I’m married to a husband, whose behavior I don’t like, I have no friends or social contact other than through internet and (very rarely) phone, I have no career and no kids. And I have no idea how to change this. I don’t know if what I’m going through is justified or merey a mid-life crisis. At 44 and when I look back at my life I feel as a failure. Not a total failure, I’m aware I’ve done something right. The way my life is currently going is not something I’d like to continue (I’m NOT talking about suicide here). When I project myself into the future I’m terrified of just « getting there » without some big changes. But I haven’t changed my life much for a very very long time, even though it may appear from the outside that I had some « big things » happened to me.First of all, ever since moving to a foreign country almost 20 years ago I haven’t managed to make new relationships that last. I have only one friend, a neighbor whom I met 7 years ago. And I’m so grateful for her. There are many reasons for this lack of network. When I moved here I didn’t speak the language, which was a big problem. My husband and I kept moving, so that too didn’t help. But if I am being completely honest, the biggest problem is me. I let my husband’s psychological problems (that have manifested themselves a couple of years into our marriage) overwhelm me. And I sometimes feel guilty for thinking that had he told me the truth before marriage, I never would have married him.He doesn’t like people, as I learned at some point. He has ZERO friends. Where I come from I have a network of acquaintances and professional relations and a tight knit group of friends. It didn’t look like it when we met. The problems started (or more accurately for him resurfaced) when he started feeling like a loser, always comparing himself to others, which made him avoid social situations altogether. And when you are a foreigner in a foreign country it’s so easy to feel that way, because you do have less than most people around you. So, I found myself either being notified that he had cancelled an invitation because he was “unwell” or doing the cancelling for him because he was “tired”. I should have fought more. I know that now.When we or I would invite people over, he would make a living hell out of it, for me. He complained that he either had to do it to keep up the appearances or wanted to know why I insisted on it. He would make sure that for others things go smoothly, but not for me. He would complain about how much money we’re spending on it (not much I assure you) and he would never help with cooking or cleaning up. But he would put up a show for the guests and (I am ashamed to admit this) I was grateful for at least that. I just want to give you these details so that you can understand why at some point I just gave up. I, who have cooked for my friends at least twice a week! Enjoyed baking and sharing, spending time with them… I couldn’t and I still can’t recognize myself. But this didn’t happen overnight. I write in the past tense, because I can’t remember when was the last time we had people over when it wasn’t an obligation or necessity from his POV and I hated it. I felt exhausted and couldn’t enjoy the occasion. This pandemic has made things even worse. He uses it as an excuse not to see anyone. And I mean not a single person. And to make things even worse, we are currently in the countryside and I cannot see the only friend I have or go outside and just come across someone I know in the street. There’s no one here. Normally I love it here, it’s so peaceful. Right now I feel trapped.My parents are dead and I have no siblings, so my friends are really important to me. I just have no idea how I let my life slip away like that.Please understand that I’m not blaming him, I know that he’s just a consequence of my inability to deal with his certain behaviors.Due to his “condition” (I still don’t know what it is exactly) I slowly had to pick up all the chores, administrative tasks, paying bills… At some point, (my god almost 10 years ago!) I started working mostly from home and not going to the office so that I can do everything in time. That made me even more isolated. He often asks me for help and only today I found myself organizing his doctor appointments, because he “just couldn’t do it” (he says that some administrative procedures are too complicated for him). And I blew the fuse. I didn’t yell at him but I did tell him in a very COLD way that I’m fed up. Instead of saying that he would do what needs to be done, he just left the room, leaving me on the phone with the hospital. If you wonder why I didn’t hang up… if I did he would have lost as surgery appointment and it would be hell to try and get another one during the pandemic. I just can’t bring myself to let things of this size just slip.Right now I really hate myself for reaching this point in my life. I have no kids, because I was waiting for the situation to improve and it never did. I let my husband’s problems always be a priority. It’s my fault.What worsened the situation for me is losing a job a month ago. The firm I worked for over 10 years went under. It was a nasty surprise, since my bosses knew what was about to happen, but fearing that we, the workers would abandon ship, didn’t tell us. Now, when numbers of covid cases started going up again, nobody is hiring. I could have done something, maybe, over the summer but not now. I mean chances are very low of me finding another job anytime soon.So there’s that.When a friend from my native country told me she was moving to Germany (I speak the language) I thought about going there to help her out because I know how hard it is when you are a foreigner. But now I don’t even have a job (read money). Since I cannot go somewhere for a while to clear my head, I just don’t know what to do.I think a lot about this song about how there’s time for everything in life. I think that I have missed some cues. Like missed a window to have kids. Make friends. Have a career. The only thing I have is marriage I don’t like the way it is right now. Basically, I don’t like myself because I let it happen, nobody forced me. My husband is not aggressive even though he can say hurtful things. I also thought about volunteering somewhere, but there’s this covid thing again and my husband is horrified with the idea of being in contact with potentially contagious people.I cannot even move about on my own. I have a driver’s license, but not for the car/vehicle we own. I need to wait for my husband to agree to go anywhere, shopping for instance. I cannot just take a car and go for a ride and we are now 2 miles from the nearest village (a few houses) and 15 miles from the nearest town.I feel so confined. I tried talking to him about it, but he just doesn’t see my POV. He’s happy that we are here away from anyone else. As I said now he’s been using the pandemic argument as an excuse. He bad mouths people who live normally (see other people). I’m not saying that what they’re doing is ok (not wearing masks, for instance), but there are ways to see people even now.What makes me sad is that I would do things differently in my life and I feel that now it’s too late.I just don’t know where to start to rebuild my life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2020): What to do? If I were you I would call this friend who is moving to Germany if she could loan you the money to move there too.Leave depressed hubby at home he made his bed he can lie in it now.Jobs are more plentiful in germany.Start a new life.If your friend can not loan you the money I am sure you have stuff around the house you could pawn or sell...tv?engagement ring?beds?dishes? Sell everything you can and get out of there and live the rest of your life on your terms.Isolation is abuse...Get out now.
A
male
reader, chrischris2019  +, writes (28 October 2020):
Hi, Anon,first, my apostrophe button isnèt working right, if it looks oddI am sorry to hear everything you are dealing with. It sounds like your have done everything in your power to deal with your husbandès illness. and he sounds like he is depressed and needs help too. which I know you are doing but I think he needs a professional diagnosis. with that, maybe he can get some medication to help his situation because of his behaviour avoiding society. Like, I am an introvert and I donèt do those things, I think it is something else. Is there a mental health helpline you can call for adviceÉabout your job, itès been a month and I think you should try to get another job quickly if you can, even if it is part time. this will help your income and your mental health. you donèt want to leave it too long because then depression sets in and it gets harder and harder to go back to normalI am not sure about your financial situation but maybe you could look into getting an electric bike. in a lot of places you donèt need insurance and your next town would only be about a 40 minute ride.and I would think about volunteering if you can. with covid this has driven away a lot of the older volunteers, especially at food banks. so maybe you could help there. this would give you some space to get away from your homelife and meet new people. or your local library may need help as well.you said quite a bit about how you are unhappy with your choices. Life is like that. I regret some things I did but those are in the past and cannot be changed. I know you have problems but you can fix them. You sound exhausted dealing with all these issues but please try to get the help you need and everything will slowly get back into place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2020): Your husband is happy to put you in jail and throw away the key. It sounds very much like being in a prison forever with the prison warden, but where to the outside world it can be made to seem normal and legal.
You must stop worrying about what suits your husband. If you continue to not do the things that he does not like or approve of you will never have any sort of real life. Make decisions to do the things that will improve your life even if he is not happy with them. He won't like anything that means you escape or maybe means you leave or find another man, but if he was wise he would realise the only way to stop that is to be so nice to you that you do not want to.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (27 October 2020):
 Hello OP,
It seems you have gotten yourself into a place where I use to be, and still struggle with at times.
Before marriage...I knew what I wanted to do, and how I was going to do it. I was very ambitious about my plans, until marriage and kids. I am 48 years old now, kids are adults, and this is where I have started taking back my life.
"It does not matter how you got to where you are now. It matters how you finish...how you leave this Earth."
My wife is opposite to myself. She is more than comfortable sitting and watching one drama show after the other. This opposite mind set and attitude has cause great tension in our relationship. There is a very true saying...
"Hang around people with a negative attitude, and you will soon learn to become like them."
What causes a lot of tension, is that I did not realized that I was slowly picking up this "do nothing" behaviour. By the time I realized it, I was depressed, angry, resentful, and wanted to get as far away from her as possible. The problem was...Even if I did leave, I still had to re-build myself from the ground up.
Is it ease...Oh hell no!!! When you have allowed yourself to live a certain way for years, starting over on yourself is like trying to run in water that is up to your neck.
However, it can be done with...Baby steps. Yes we see what we want for ourselves. We think we can just jump right into it. We fail, and then we become more angry, more depressed, and resentful. Then we point our finger and blame our partner. The problem is that we tried to take on a big task, at full speed and crash.
Sounds like you have also lost your ambition as well. The drive to see the World, and enjoy the people in it.
Find something you like to do. I went back to school for my job, taking online courses. Not much...but baby steps towards getting my ambition back.
Don't wait for your husband to act or behave a certain way. You are your own person. Take some online courses, or meet with your lady friend for drinks or game night. No need to learn hubbies bad habits. Let him learn your good ones.
You doing more positive things will start even more arguments...why??? Because misery loves company. No miserable people wants a happy person around them. But persistence will get you through. Does not matter how you see yourself now, or how alone you feel. What matters is what you do about it, and how you finish this life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2020): Many will not understand all or most of what you have told us here - I understand because some of it is the same with my own situation and has been for years. Many will tell you to change, to go out and find people, I understand it is not that simple.Your situation is quite unique. If you work from home or you are single or have a partner who is unsociable this changes everything. The area you live in, the lack of knowing the same language can all add to it.I can tell that you are a positive person normally and a proactive and wise person when happy so I will not insult your intelligence with obvious things that you would have thought of for yourself if they were suitable.One of the troubles with sharing a woe with strangers is that many of the strangers will pick out that you want more friends and give you a knee jerk one size fits all reply. Talking to you as if all women are the same and all women can do the same things to help themselves. Also forgetting that some are wiser and more proactive than others. I think your situation is so unique that nobody, not even an expert, can really work out what you can do better than you. But that will not stop the arrogant ones on an ego trip from saying they know. People will advise you according to what they would do if they wanted more friends - over looking your situation and personality, so be prepared for advice that you could have easily worked out for yourself - years ago - if it was possible and helpful.One of the things I found when I spoke to people about a similar situation is that they were quick to say do this and do that - all things which were totally unsuitable for me or impractical, or too time consuming or pointless - many of them were just ideas that would keep you busier rather than where you benefit yourself.You can get two people with the same problem or urges but who need totally different understanding and advice because they have different levels of common sense, intelligence and resourcefulness. An unemployed person who has plenty of time might be interested in things that a busy person who works hard would not and so on. I will suggest some things that might suit you and I hope you are not offended if they do not. Because one thing I know for a fact is that when your life feels incomplete in such an enormous way you need to add a little bit here and there. A small titbit added is better than nothing at all. Half a loaf is better than none, and it may be that you can only have one slice of bread for now and then maybe add some butter and some cheese later. But each little bit that you can do to help makes you smile a little more often.You are a very emotional and articulate person so I would suggest that you go onto forums and penfriend sites - because that costs nothing moneywise - and you are at home a lot and have the time now - and can do it as and when it suits you - even if this means waiting until hubby is out or asleep. You can do it without even telling him. Not because it is wrong but because it creates less hassle and friction.There are loads of penfriend sites now that you can join for free - you can state your hobbies, age, details and people can email you if they wish. But do be careful because many of the people who use these sites are not looking for a penfriend. Some of the men just want sexy chat and photos, others just want to moan about all of their problems and use you as a dustbin for their own woes. Some can barely read and write. You need to be discerning. You may find you prefer it if you email them and do not share your email address too quickly.The forums need to be selected with great care. For the same reason.It takes time for these things to maybe fruit but the good things about it are that it keeps you occupied for now, because apart from wanting to make friends for the future you also need to feel hopeful and doing something concrete in the here and now. And it can be fitted around everything else you do timewise. And it costs nothing moneywise.I believe that you ought to be far more assertive with husband. If he never wants visitors you need to get a better balance where sometimes you get what you want even if this means that things are not the way he wants.He can either go off and do something else, or go out,or put up with it sometimes. Just as you often put up with things suiting him. It is wrong for one person to always have it their way at the expense of the other person.The outcome might be some great friends - yes maybe they live in another country, but they would be people you select that suit you.One thing I know is that people are always quick to want you to go out and about locally and meet whoever and befriend them - totally ignoring that they might have nothing in common with you, or wrong age or type etc.Right now you would find it hard to have friends locally anyway because hubby might not like it if they visit etc.There are lots of people who are not into socialising.And there are people like you who would very much want to.I had a client recently - for therapy for depression.She was a very sad woman. She was dying of cancer, old, no friends, the only family she had was a sister a long way away that she would phone. She lived with her second husband. He was totally unfriendly with people, he also had anger management issues and it was obvious to me he had aspergers syndrome. He expected her to sit around watching television all day every day because he did not want them to go out or have people over. and his life was sitting around watching tv all day. She was frantic for other human contact so she would make sandwiches and some small cakes and invite the dustbin men in when they did their rounds on monday mornings. To anyone who was naive it looked like an act of kindness. It was not.She was so desperate for chat with other people that it was like a bribe. She knew they came around at that time once a week and she knew they would be hungry, it was the only way she could get others in the home for a bit for company. Drastic but it worked.Sometimes desperate situations call for desperate measures.Some might say that your husband needs a good talking to. I do not, because he will not change, you would be wasting your breath and time.Some might say you should leave him. Maybe you should, but that is for you to judge and decide and I very much doubt you would ever do it. Right now you would day dream about it and find it tempting but not be able to bring yourself to. Partly because it is so hard to do that when you feel you are all alone.You need to build up the few little bits and pieces you can that improve the situation you are in.
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