A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just found out some shocking news about an exs friend. Me and my ex grew apart but he recently got back in touch i said we could chat and see if theres anything still there, he suddenly went quiet and now i have found out why . his friend has been arrested for messaging an 'underage' female. It was a sting group posing as an underage girl. My ex doesnt know that i know. At one point we were considering having children but now i dont know what to do. If i got back with my ex i wouldnt want this friend of his around. Should i ask my ex about what has happened or just not bother giving him a chance and tell him its a no go
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 November 2019):
 @anon female :-- why everybody is obsessed with the fact the the ex is an ex ?... well, " obsessed " maybe is not the right word to describe what people here think about the issue , but never mind that . Everybody comments on the ex being ( duh ) an ex, because… well isn't that intuitive ? Self- evident ?- Because if it had been such a great fit , bar perhaps very few exceptions …. it would have lasted. As simple as that. Which, does not mean that it would have lasted for life in a Cinderella castle scenario, with waltzes and violins and love poems all the time. There might have been tense moments , an argument every now and then, maybe some ebbs and flows in passion and romance, - but all in all things in love and relationships are simpler than most people make them, i.e. : if two people are very compatible and love each other ,and VALUE each other - they'll stay together, they won't get tired or change their mind.
In this case,for instance, the break up was amicable, no major drama, ok … but, as the OP herself says, it was due to that fact neither " tried so much to make things work ". Why, do you think this is not big enough ??..
This short sentence is very telltale, because : a ) it says that
° there were ° problems or difficulties, things to work on which prevented the relationship to flow smooth and easy as it should have done , and b ) that neither party was too arsed to make an effort , in case this flawed relationship could actually be improved and healed.
Dating , after all, is quite similar to going shopping and trying dresses on for size. You see a dress that's 2 or 3 sizes too small, what's the smart thing to do , - try another one which fits better or bring home the super tight one hoping that , some time soon, you'll magical slim down enough to feel comfortable in it ?
You see a dress that you like, but, to fit you , it needs so many alterations that it would take
tons of money and tons of time before you could wear it with satisfaction , - what do you do , you take it anyway , or you realize that , although it looked nice, that dress was not meant for you , and you start looking for something else ?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2019): I agree with female anon, all agony aunts advise to not go back to an ex but it does depend on the reason why you split up. I think really taking his friend aside what you really need to ask yourself is why do you both want to get back together? If there is no genuine love on both sides and no desire to not take each other for granted again and work at it you will both be set to fail again, I agree in part exes are exes for a reason but sometimes it really does take a break to realise what you have both lost, I split up with my boyfriend for over a month start of the year and we are now living together and both love each other, it depends on the factors!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 November 2019):
… But if neither tried so much to make it work, this not trying enough will have come about for some reason and must mean something , I suppose ?...
Like, that either one, or both, was not attracted / interested enough to try and make it work; either one or both thought the effort wasn't worth the gain.
Plus, effort and struggle to make a relationship work are not mandatory; often, believe it or not , are not even needed. People like each other, love each other and things go on from there without too much weeping and gnashing of teeth. There may be problems or external circumstances , that one has to work on, like, for instance, geographical distance, or being broke / unemployed , or health issues or.. ? - but if these things haven't changed radically since the last time you were together, what makes you think that this time it would be different and that either one ( or both ) woud put more effort ?
Conclusion: don't bother. Exes are exes for a reason.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2019): Not really sure why everyone is so obsessed with the fact that he's an ex. We don't really know what the relationship was, what the breakdown was, or what the relationship is like now. I'm not as cut and dried. I think you can make things work with an ex. However, if your ex is someone who is unconcered that his friend is a sexual predator (and lets be clear here, he was caught in a child sexual abuse/exploitation sting) then he is not a person you should ever consider being with.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 November 2019):
 Would you read the same book, expecting the ending to be different? Obviously not. Why would you get back with an ex, expecting a better outcome than last time? My guess? You are in your 40s (according to your profile) so, if you want children, you are going to have to make it pretty quick. As there is nobody else on the scene who looks like a suitable candidate, you are considering going back to your ex. Am I right?
This friend of his with the giant question mark hanging over his head would be irrelevant if you walked away and found someone new. Just ANOTHER good reason to do so.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2019): Girlfriend, don't recycle your exes!!! Why did you breakup in the first-place?
I don't believe he just got back in-touch, out of the blue! If he initiated contact; that means he just got kicked to the curb, and that's why he thought about you! You've probably been waiting all this time for him to make his way back. Just so happens you're still single too! Alrighty-then!
Pardon my presumption; but I do note that you're over 40, and mature-ladies tend to think their options are limited. Before you go looking through the reject-pile, give yourself a chance. Breaking-up a second-time with the same-old boyfriend means you didn't learn anything the first-time around! Reconciliations seldom succeed. I'm not trying to jinx you or anything like that! But you've already found something that must give you goosebumps and shivers! You must be looking at him sideways as well?
Judge folks by the company they keep!
You've reconnected with your ex; only to discover he has ties to an alleged pedophile! I'd grab my dolls and dishes and scramble for the nearest exit! Guys usually know what their buddies are into! If he won't distance himself from the guy, who is now considered an alleged sex-offender, you better wonder!
You'll have nothing but creepy-thoughts and worries.
My advice? Bow-out gracefully! Slowly back-away...then when you make it to the street, run like hell!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2019): I have found out he isn't friends with this man anymore. We split purely because it went as more friends and we both admit we didnt try so much to make it work we didnt have a nasty break u so that's why we are both considering making effort
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 November 2019):
 You and your ex didn't work out, which is why you broke up, so WHAT has changed that warrant a second try?
He is still friends with this guy, that isn't likely to change.
Why not simply WISH your ex good luck and move on, move forward.
If whatever broke you two up haven't totally changed or been sorted out, it will STILL be there, that would be part of your foundation that you would build your relationship on again, is that a stable foundation?
Exes are usually exes for a reason.
Don't make the same mistake twice. Life is too short for that.
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