A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am a 33 year old married female. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and together for 9 years. We have two children. My husband is a decent father although with room for improvement. He is a a good guy with wonderful qualities, although he has had his share of issues including mental health problems and unresolved childhood trauma. He has also been in anger management due to his temper. His issues have been mostly kept in check with therapy and medication. There has been times he has made me cry, and we do have a tendency to fight at times. I do love my husband and feel as if I could not live without him. Our relationship is very comfortable and I feel as if he is my best friend. I do feel our marriage is more of a companionship as I am not IN love with him. The sex is underwhelming and he has never given me an orgasm in all the years we have been together. I ultimately do not feel happy with my life. I have been having affair for several months with a coworker who is a single father. In the last year we have had sexual tension at work that was bursting at the seams until we finally gave in to it. Our relationship is mostly casual but I have fallen deeply in love with him. He is kind and gentle, smart, funny and very romantic. He is worshipped like a hero at work. He does nice things for me that my own husband does not. He has swept me off my feet. He gives me the week in the knees once in a lifetime kind of feels. I do not know if he feels the same, as I said we have kept things casual and very secretive for obvious reasons. I do know that Sparks fly when we are together and the sex is unbelievable. I fantasize about leaving my husband to be with him as I feel is my great love story. However, I am very torn as I feel a sense of duty and obligation toward my husband. Our children are very young and would be devastated if we separated. I also feel very sorry for him as he would live a very lonely life without me. All his friends were my friends and he is close with my family and not his own. He is also painfully shy and would have trouble pursuing another relationship. I would hate to cause him pain. I know what I am doing is wrong and I feel like a terrible person who does not deserve love. Please anyone have any advice on what to do? I know I cannot continue to have my cake and eat it too.
View related questions:
affair, at work, best friend, co-worker, orgasm, shy, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2021): You feel bad because you know you're doing wrong. And you are. So if you want consolation here you go. You're far from the only married woman doing this,don't feel so bad. Where I work there were 100 in my dept. 75 men, 50 women. most of the women are assistants and married. I know for sure 10 are had/having work affairs. The way another 5 inner act with a certain someone I suspect 5 more are too. "He is worshiped like a hero at work." Happens all over. Most of them had an end date, the flame blew out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2021): Hi
Sad when this happens, you have given yourself away by the one comment ''he is worshiped like a hero at work''. What on earth has this got to do with any important emotional factor, you need to wake up! and recognise that you are not Maid Marion and he is your Prince, and you are hurting somebody who is your husband, you will hurt your children, and you will hurt yourself in the end. Wake up!
You have some hard life choices to make and I suggest quickly, carry on with the deceit and eventually you WILL get found out. You could get divorced and make a fairy-tale castle with Mr Charming, very much doubt he has the same dreams. Or you could be single and have a fresh start with a different man.
Or stick to your marriage vows and hope you can repair them. You need to work at making your husband feel desired as well and making him feel good, it's not just about what you do or do not receive in the relationship.
Why is it your husband who has failed you by not giving you an orgasm.
Think ahead, do you think this other man would be giving you orgasm after orgasm for the rest of your life? get real this is not what sustains a good relationship for the duration. Friendship is great in a marriage, people seem to see this as a red flag, it's not! it is the times that we support each other and experience great times and have fun together, get each other through ill health, all without the emotional self cantered garbage of the Me Myself and I syndrome.
I hope you make the right choice for EVERYONE concerned. I take things like this serious, my friend hung himself when his wife betrayed him (no warning signs, just did it) and he had children. You need to have the guts to put things right and have respect for others and yourself and live in truth. Grow up!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2021): It will all end in tears - your tears, and you are being naive, short sighted and extremely selfish. You reap what you sow.
When I was in a boring unhappy marriage I met a very exciting man and very much wanted to sleep with him. But I made sure I got a separation and divorce first, because I am not a liar, or a cheat or a hoe, and I do not walk all over people or use them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2021): Oh the things cheaters convince themselves of to justify their actions. It always amazes me. They try to convince themselves that their husbands/wives don’t pay them enough attention, the sex is bland, the marriage is boring. It’s all little ways to make themselves feel better for doing what they are doing. This has nothing to do with your husband. It has everything to do with you. Your bored with your life. That’s your problem not your husbands. Only you have the power to change your life. If your bored - leave! Or dare I say it - TALK to your husband about it and try to resolve the situation TOGETHER!! But no, most people go down the path of cheating because it is an easy and lazy way of hiding from their problems instead of having to deal with them. Cheating to me is a cowards way out of a relationship. Instead of dealing with their problems and having to face up to them they cheat to get a brief moment of happiness and take their minds of their struggling relationship. But you don’t want to face up to it because you are scared to be alone. So it’s more convenient for you to cheat and have your cake and eat it too. Only you have the power to sort out your issues. As for the coworker - you are living in a fantasy. You do not love this man. You don’t even know him really. What you are feeling is lust. You are in the honeymoon period. Everything is new and exciting. You love the attention you are getting. But guess what? Just like every relationship - the honeymoon period ends. Things start to become stale and boring. Routines kick in. The excitement and rush ends. The sex becomes predictable and no longer new. That’s what has happened in your marriage so why do you think it will be any different with this new man? Then what? You’ll cheat on him too? What you are chasing in unrealistic and not sustainable. And not to hurt your feelings or anything. But you really think this new guy will want a relationship with you? You have given him free and easy sex without commitment. Plus the added thrill for him of you being married. He knows nothing will ever happen relationship wise with you because you have a husband. If he wanted more from you he would of told you or not have gone for a married woman. He is also really popular at work, which means he is probably popular outside work too. He probably has his pick of women. Not to say you aren’t good enough or worth it. But I’m sure he has his pick of women that aren’t attached. You don’t know who he is seeing or how many other women he has on the go. He could be sleeping with multiple women. You can’t be in love with someone you don’t know. It’s all just a rush of hormones. You do deserve love. Just like everyone does. You have made a mistake - it happens. But you can control what happens next! Your husband also deserves love. Do you think it’s fair on him to have a wife who is cheating on him and is not in love with him? You have 2 options. Come clean to your husband and either leave him and find the love you want or work on your marriage and talk and sort your issues out. Or continue down the path you are currently following and hurt yourself and your husband. And chase a guy that will not give you what you want. I would also ditch the new guy. This isn’t love. He isn’t going to give you what you want and your feelings will not be reciprocated. He doesn’t want more than sex from you. Ditch him and get a new job. If you decide to leave your husband. Be on your own for a bit. Don’t jump into a Jew guy too soon. Work on yourself and your issues.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 January 2021):
 I know you think you are in love with this new guy but, truly, you are in LUST. I am not playing that down as I know that lust can be a VERY powerful emotion. It can temporarily override common sense and other usually highly-held values. You are a mature woman in her 30s, with a long term secure relationship with the father of her children, and yet you are risking the happiness of your children and your husband for a romp with this new guy. You are not the first or the last that will do this. However, you do need to figure out what you are going to do as, when someone finds out, as they inevitably will (whether that be your husband or someone who tells your husband), the proverbial will hit the fan and you could end up having any decision making taken away from you.
The secrecy and freshness of your new relationship will only add to its excitement and appeal. You cannot - and should not - compare the two relationships. If your husband is so boring and unimaginative in bed, why did you marry him? If this new guy had been on the scene at the time, I am betting you would not have "settled" for your husband. Did you only marry him because there was nobody better on the horizon at the time? That's not meant as a criticism by the way, as I believe, from experience of watching friends and colleagues, that many people marry the person who just so happens to be there at the time they are ready to settle down, regardless of whether they feel this person is ideal or not.
You admit you have no idea how this new guy feels about you as all you two share at the moment is a clandestine sexual encounter as and when you can. It sounds like he is a charmer, liked by most. He is obviously very good at making people like him. I wonder if those people who currently hero worship him would still hold him in such high regard if they knew he was knocking around with a married mother, because that is not something people usually admire in others. You see, he is not as perfect as you believe him to be.
I can't tell you what you should do. Nobody can. That is all on you. Just as you chose to marry your husband and chose to cheat on him, you have to choose what you are going to do next. I suspect you WILL actually carry on as you are doing, until such time as your affair is uncovered by someone because, let's face it, you are actually in the best position you can be at the moment. You are not saddled with the guilt of upsetting your children or hurting your husband, yet you have a sexual excitement in your life which you have probably craved for a long time.
Just a little thought at the end: if you WERE to leave your husband and pursue a real relationship with this new guy, do you think he would ever be able to trust you, given that you are cheating on your husband to be with him? A bit hypocritical I know but, nevertheless, highly likely to happen. Perhaps that is something you should add into your decision making process?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2021): Yours is the story told by practically everybody who cheats on their spouse! Their adulterous co-conspirator always has every attribute they've ever wanted; while their spouse, the person they shared vows with, is totally void of everything. Give me a break!!!
You're in fantasyland. You have a side-piece so studly and adept at lovemaking; he puts your bland vanilla-husband to shame. Hubby is totally incompetent at extinguishing your flaming hot passions, but he's okay to have around. You sorta/kinda love the boring-guy at home, but you're not "in-love" with him. You "luv" the guy who sticks it to you better. Crudely put, but basically what you're implying.
For all we know, your husband could be a great lover! A good husband, deceit man, and wonderful father. You're just betraying the guy; and had to make him out to be dull and unable to satisfy you as a woman and a wife. In most cases, that's never really why. Cheaters just cheat because they can. You had to bring him down to make yourself look better, hoping to get empathy; because you're just a poor unfulfilled-woman, whose husband fails to meet her needs.
Why did you write DC? You're eating and enjoying your cake! Albeit, betraying your family and marriage. What do you want from us?
Get this out of your system, or get a divorce! Cheating is cheating, and there is no justification for it; when there is always the option to get yourself out of an unfulfilling and loveless-marriage. You like the benefit of security and stability. While having something on the side to compensate for or to supplement the poor choice you made for a husband. Truth is, you value your security over the marriage; and your husband is a mere complication you can live with...or simply tolerate. Meanwhile, have a ball!
Selfishness can always rationalize to justify itself. This story is as old as time itself. Good old-fashioned adultery. Just like King David and Bathsheba in the Bible. He had several wives. He saw her taking a bath from a distance, atop his palace one day. He sent her husband, who was a general in his army, to the front-lines to get killed. He too, just had to have his cake and eat it too! Her husband was killed, and David took her as his wife. She got pregnant. He angered God, and she miscarried the child. These stories always have a terrible ending. Hint...hint!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 January 2021):
 OP, you write:
" I would hate to cause him pain."
But you already ARE causing him pain, he just doesn't know, yet.
My advice? Divorce your husband, find a place to live and don't JUMP right into a relationship with " Mr. Sexy Coworker".
Jumping from one guy to another rarely end well. For anyone. And if he is so very popular at work, well, I can imagine who would have to "go" if things too ka turn for the worse. And I would also guess that it is THIS casual because he isn't wanting to be serious. He just wants fun and sex. Which he is getting.
You are not being fair to your husband nor your kids.
If you feel your marriage can not work, then you should leave, not jump on the first available dick. That doesn't fix squat.
Or, you can look for another job, leave that place and never talk to this guy again, then tell your husband you cheated and let him decide where he thinks the marriage should go. I don't like this option for 1 reason, he has anger issues and you cheating might be exactly what will make him do things HE will regret.
Normally, I think a DECENT person will OWN their actions and fess up - but I have to say this doesn't sound like the best option.
You have to take some time and figure out WHAT is the right thing to do. For you and your family.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2021): This is the hard reality of marriage in these modern times. We marry with the hopes and expectations that the other will love us unconditionally and stand beside us through thick and thin, and then once we've gotten what we want out of them, we humans seem to decide after several kids and a stagnant stage in the bedroom that we can just throw it away. I was always envious of those whove managed such long term stable relationships, as i was always finding myself with psychopaths and crazies. But at the same time, i was also a single parent so i was the first to leave a family unit for my own happiness when i was younger. You have to do what you have to do in order to be happy, even if that means leaving a guy whos settled down and built his life around you, but the cheating i just cant condone. It might hurt him to be left, but cheating is just way worse so maybe leaving actually does him a favor. I see where youre hoping to find an outcome that benefits you regardless of whos expense its at.. Its easy to build crazy feelings for someone who is in a position to not actually have to commit to you. You dont have to do the day to day tasks with the affair partner that you face with the husband. It's a case of silver lining and a reflection on the views the affair partner holds towards marriage vows. I suggest your husband decides the fate of the marriage, and understand that a man willing to sort this out might be a hell of a catch next to a guy who plays the field in such a manner. If he forgives you perhaps its worth it to work through the issues of boredom assuming a stable long term relationship is your ultimate goals
...............................
|
