A
female
age
36-40,
*ittyxhaos
writes:Hi I've been married to a wonderful man for 2 years (hes 25)but I can't get him on board to have a baby. I have always wanted to have my first before 30 and im 29 in a month. When I ask he says he wants children but that hes not ready yet. When I point out that I wanted children before 30 he just says his mum had his little brother at 35 and hes fine. When ever I try and push the issue he gets annoyed and tells me im trying to force him. I don't really agree with waiting until 35 for my first. I was pregnant 3 years ago and had an abortion as at the time I was at uni and my father was dying of cancer. I don't have any regrets as it was not the right time. But part of me wished I hae kept it had I known he was going to make me wait so long. He obviously isn't thinking of soon as we had a pregnancy test that expired August 16 and he said to throw it out when we were having a clean up. I don't want to trick my husband into getting me pregnant (I have a coil so chances of getting accidently pregnant is slim to non). But its making me quite depressed. He sees having children as a cop out he thinks of we have children now I won't go back to work
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abortion, depressed, pregnancy test, want a baby, want children Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 January 2014):
 That's surely not the answer you want to hear, but I understand where your husband is coming from and I think his hesitations are perfectly reasonable. He's barely 25 , he is seriously ill- basically disabled, actually, if his illness prevents him from getting gainful employement. He could be a stay at home dad- only, raising children can be mentally but also physically exhausting , and it can be very hard even on healthy , enthusiastic parents ,imagine on sickly , reluctant ones.
In other words, maybe you were waiting for suggestions from us about valid argumentations to convince him- but, as for me, to be honest I think he should not be convinced, he should be taking care of his health and of his future and career first, see if he can complete his studies , or find a line of work that does not take too much of a toll on his health.
Otherwise ... you'd basically would find yourself in the position of a single mother of TWO children, a little one and an adult one.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 January 2014):
I wonder if you could persuade him to do counselling with you at all? Because unless he changes his stance, I can't see how you can stay together if you want children and he doesn't. He really should have been more honest with you when you married, though I do sympathise that it must have been hard for him as a child. That aside, you need to find out what he now wants from marriage, and in terms of children, as it appears that perhaps you two are not on the same page.
Also, it raises questions about how he would treat you or a child if you were ill. Would he be able to step up, or would he not?
I think another,much more in depth talk is needed.
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A
female
reader, kittyxhaos +, writes (3 January 2014):
kittyxhaos is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I spoke to my husband the other night and he said the idea of being a father fills hin with dread. Not just in scared but DREAD! He said he did not want to be responsible for a child always in hospital waiting rooms because daddy is ill again. Because his mum has crohns and as a child he spent years ib and iut of hospital with her.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (31 December 2013):
 It's true waiting to have children till its' all perfect is a bad plan
On the other hand a 4 year age difference is NOT a gap worth mentioning.
and yes if he's to be the primary caretaker and you can't afford a nanny or daycare, then his health is going to be important.
What does he say when you remind him he agreed to a baby by the time you were 30.... if he backpedals you can say "no we agreed and you are just scared and we can afford it (if you can)... sounds to me like other than his health issues he's making excuses.... I don't want to see that continue for you past your time to have children.
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female
reader, kittyxhaos +, writes (31 December 2013):
kittyxhaos is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIl not sure he Lied I just don't think he realised how quickly the time would come around. He never really feels the age gap and for the most part its not obvious. I think im annoyed because he's like oh when we have a baby this but then when I ask him when that will be hes like, im not ready, im too young, im too ill, you don't earn enough, its not the right time etc etc He isn't as well as he was but he has to deal with the fact he never will be. If everyone waites until everything was perfect no one would have children ever.
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A
female
reader, kittyxhaos +, writes (31 December 2013):
kittyxhaos is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIl not sure he Lied I just don't think he realised how quickly the time would come around. He never really feels the age gap and for the most part its not obvious. I think im annoyed because he's like oh when we have a baby this but then when I ask him when that will be hes like, im not ready, im too young, im too ill, you don't earn enough, its not the right time etc etc He isn't as well as he was but he has to deal with the fact he never will be. If everyone waites until everything was perfect no one would have children ever.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 December 2013):
If he knew you wanted to be pregnant before 30 and now he's declining this activity, then he was dis-ingenous (he LIED TO YOU) before you married in order to catch you.
YOU are the primary bread winner due to his illness....
will he be the stay at home parent? Maybe he's not feeling physically up to caring full time for a baby?
Tricking him is not wise... but neither is staying with him if he's LIED to you and may continue to lie to you especially if having children at a particular age is important.
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A
female
reader, kittyxhaos +, writes (31 December 2013):
kittyxhaos is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI made it very clear. I have a disabled sister and one of the reasons I didn't want to leave it too long is because growing up with her was a nightmare. It tore my family to pieces and I never saw my parents. I want to reduce my risks as much as possible. He was supposed to go to uni three years ago and said we could start trying at the end of his 2nd year. He then couldn't go because he became ill. ( we are in the uk and his uni place was in the US). But he is much better although not fit for physical work. I want to re train as a teacher but I seem to keeping putting my life on hold. Every is saying I should cater to his time line and take care of his feelings but what about mine?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 December 2013):
If you made it clear that you wanted one before 30, did he agree to it? If so, then he's lied to you.
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A
female
reader, kittyxhaos +, writes (30 December 2013):
kittyxhaos is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe isn't the earner I am his as ulcerative colitis and doesn't currently work. We had discussed the children thing before we got married and I had always made ot clear before 30 was my aim. As for the age I didn't want to be an older mum aftwr 35 things get more dangerous amd also I wanted 2 children as does he and I really don't want to be having a second near 40. I have no interest in being a stay at home mum I would go back to work.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (30 December 2013):
This really comes down to what was discussed before you got married. If it was never brought up or if you thought you could talk him round later then that was a bad idea as people should always agree on these things before they get married. However if he knew you felt this way and agreed to it but is now backing out then it's not really fair. However it is how he feels so unfortunately things are not going to work out how you want them to right now. I have a younger partner (3 years) too so I do understand and feel your pain :(You need to do what the other guys have suggested and talk to him to try to work out a compromise. Right now is too soon for him, but waiting until you're 35 is too long for you. So could you both accept it if you say you'll start trying in 3 years? Or 2? Or 4? Please make sure you LISTEN to him though and don't try to force or railroad him into agreeing to you. It would be easy for him to say to you now that he will wait 3 years to keep the peace, only for him to change his mind again nearer the time. Try to have a frank and honest discussion and really decide what you are going to do.And about the work thing - do you want to be a stay at home Mum? Maybe he feels he won't be able to support 3 people so maybe some compromises can be made around this area? I really hope it works out for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): You say you had an abortion because the time wasn't right for you, well the same applies to him right now. You really should give him the same respect. OP you know what it's like to feel the time isn't right, imagine someone forced you into carrying that child to term back then when you weren't ready. You'd hate that person.
Your best bet is to discuss a timetable like CaringGuy suggested. A compromise you can both agree on. OP this 'before 30' thing is your issue, frankly it's a meaningless number with no significance. You can adapt that number if you want. You've made the decision to share the rest of your life with this guy, well not everything is going to go according your timetable alone this is a partnership not a dictatorship.
You know I'm not sold on your reasons either, I'm sorry OP "just because it's my plan" is the worst reason I've heard, if it's that important you should have found a guy who shared your plan and timetable for life.
If it's the not knowing part and you're panicking then just sit down together and flesh out when you will have one. 30 is not some magic number OP, having a child at 32 to a man ready to be a father is better than forcing him to give in to you now and resenting you for it.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 December 2013):
Oh dear. It's a shame that you two didn't discuss this before getting married, because this will be a sticking point now. Did he know that you wanted children before you were 30? Did you discuss this? And if you did, what was his response then?
The problem us, you might be nearly 30, but he is only 25. The 4 years difference isn't bad in one sense (my girlfriend is older than me), but clearly when it comes to children, it can make a difference. I'm 26, and wouldn't consider myself ready for children for at least another 4 years. I have other things I want to do, and I'm not in a stable enough financial position.
What you need to do is sit down alone, and work out if you can afford it, and why it's s important that you have a baby now. Then, you can only put your case to him. He then needs to at the very least offer some kind of alternative timetable, will he compromise over two years? Would you?
All I know is this - he needs to want this baby as much as you do before you can have one together (tricking, as you said,won't work and could backfire badly). You need to realistically talk about this very urgently. And, of course, if he doesn't offer an alternative timetable, then you need to consider whether you stay with him and risk waiting for longer, or move on and find someone who shares your timetable for children (very much a last resort though)
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