A
female
age
41-50,
*lison1983
writes:I suppose I'm really asking for people opinions here..... I have been married to my husband for 13 years and married for 3 of them. There is a 13 year age gap between us, I am 30 he is 43.Our sex life has always been ok, but over the past year it has virtually disappeared. I can count on one hand how often we have had sex this year. Whilst that in itself has left me feeling deflated, my husband is no longer able to get an erection unless he is watching porn. I have tried all sort to turn him on from new underwear to dirty texts, suggesting new positions ect. nothing works.... he claims its because hes tired and nothing more. Again I could expect this and I have tried to embrace the porn side of it for his benefit but he does not want to include me in it, he seem very happy to simply pleasure himself whilst watching porn it never leads to sex between us.I really dont know what it try, it wont talk about it as he doesn't see that there is a problem and I am starting to feel very unattractive and think that that may be the problem he simply isn't attracted to me anymore????Please help I feel like my marriage is ending and I dont know how to stop it.Thanks
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (31 December 2013):
 I'm 53 to my hubby's 40 and my drive is insane and his is pretty non-existent. He loves me and loves to cuddle but sex... well lately it's getting better at maybe once a month...
THIS is not about YOU or your sexiness or desirability.
You must talk about it.... I would try the shock approach.
"honey I love you and I want you and I want us to stay together but I need more.. I'd like your permission to take a lover to satisfy me and yet stay with you."
that usually shakes things up in my house.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 At or about age 40 - 45 males begin to "peter out" pardon the pun. porn helps but is short lived. The prostate seems to grow and stops producing fluids it justs pressures the bladder which is very annoying (gotta go-gotta go-gotta-go,etc) ergo the sex life suffers. It's a physical thing not an "I don't love you anymore" thing so, might I suggest, Buy yourself a vibrator and give the old guy a break. He stood by you through your "bad days" didn't he?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): It's common and typically cliche to blame it all on an addiction to porn. (*SIGH!!!*)
In fact, that's not always the problem. Men turn to porn when they get no further thrill from actual sex with their partner, or don't get enough. We also like a quick orgasm just for the sake of a good self-induced spontaneous sexual release.
For many, it is simply a sign that they have become bored, or disinterested with their relationship as a whole. They no longer want to be a husband or a boyfriend.
So why won't he just admit it? That's expressing emotion. Maybe he doesn't want to hear your opinion on what he should do about his penis. It's too personal and questioning his manhood. A very touchy area. It's freaking embarrassing; and you wouldn't understand it anyway.
Masturbation chosen over warm and intimate sex with your lover; is selfish, quick, and requires no consideration for anyone but his own sexual gratification. That in itself makes him somewhat of an asshat. (I get a chuckle from that word.) It's used by one of the other aunts, and its quite effective when used in this context.
Are you only focusing your attention on loss of sex? How does he treat you? Does he show affection in any other way?
Is he kind and considerate to you? Is he protective and supportive as your mate? Does he go out of his way to show you how he feels about you in his actions other than sex?
Does he tell you often that he loves you?
Generally, men don't like expressing their inner-feelings. They don't like situations where their emotions are under scrutiny; or have to be exposed. We avoid drama and uncovering things too close to the heart.
It's considered weak and effeminate to be openly emotional, if you're a guy. I'm gay. Gay men might "display" emotion in a dramatic performance or cry; but they will not let you in where their feelings are concerned. You will still hit a roadblock.
Far too many men will not sit down with their wives and girlfriends to go over why they prefer porn; or why they've lost interest, or seem bored in the bedroom. They often don't know why. Or we can shove it so deep beneath denial, we convince ourselves we don't. That's total bullsh*t! We just don't want to talk about it.
The main reason men will not discuss it in depth is; they don't want to deal with the huge emotional drama that is inevitable to happen for telling their mate the truth.
You don't want to hear him say it is because you've put on too much weight, and the cottage cheese or rolls of fat are unattractive. That will effect your self-esteem and hurt your feelings. It's crushing. The truth in this area is far too painful, and usually leads to awful reactions. It imposes pressure on a mate, and stress beyond mercy.
You don't want to be told that you nag too much, he can't earn enough money to pay all the bills and you're not much help. Here's an ugly one... you feel too loose down there; or you don't move like you used to. It always feels exactly the same. You would see him as the most rotten creature on earth; and would treat him accordingly.
You prepare his meals, and he might happen to find lethal additives in his food. He'd have to sleep with one eye open, or hide all the knives and sleep on his stomach to protect his genitals from being sliced off. Women don't often like to know the real reasons why he stops showing sexual interest. However; he still has to get off somehow. Cheating is not an option.
Do you really want to hear any of that from your husband?
Can you handle it, so you both can work it out?
Oh, get him plenty angry; or let him have too many liquor shots, you may hear it all at once. So you've got to go over the things you've frequently argued about. If they pile up, they damage your marriage and effect how you relate intimately. Burying your marital and financial problems will surface in the bedroom.
Mind demeaning and little insults when you get angry. They sting and pile up in his memory banks. It makes you less attractive. Like it or not. We may be jerks, but we still have feelings. We just don't lay them out on the table.
Other aunts may just focus on the "porn." Be smart, focus on the marriage as a whole. Sex and feelings are connected in marriage. You're both far too young not to have a sex-life. Porn is an easy scapegoat; because then you don't have to own any responsibility. Perhaps all the ladies will reassure you it's not your fault. Maybe not; but you said your marriage is ending. Porn can't make anyone that happy.
That guy is your husband, you can't just kick him out.
In fact, a lot of men aren't going to sit down and discuss much of anything if their marriage or relationship sucks. That is, as far as they are concerned. Their mate may not feel the same at all. During arguments and domestic quarrels a lot of truth may come out in anger.
No one is really listening; because every one is angry and hurt. Emotions are high, and words are meant to inflict pain. There is a message, but it isn't heard. There is a lot of denial. A lot of blame thrown around. Then everyone shuts down. You ignore the problems and try to function as if they don't exist. Then you can't get it on anymore.
He is bored with sex with you and has found himself an alternative, or escape. So often I read rantings about porn addiction. Women hate the affinity between men and porn.
Seek more than the sexual disconnection. There is also an emotional disconnection. Addictions are powerful. Why would he jeopardize his marriage, and make no effort to seek help for the sickness?
Then what lead to turning to porn when there was a normal sex-life before? It had to start from some point; and work it's way to the level of a full-fledged addiction, if that is what you prefer to call it. It is still his option or preference to intercourse. There is more than the obvious to contend with. There are underlying emotions and feelings. Or, the lack thereof.
The words "I don't love you anymore," hurt more than a bullet to the heart. So people avoid it and try to see if maybe they will find a way to regenerate that feeling.
They expect marital problems to heal on their own as time passes. Like a cut. That doesn't happen. People have memories and they recall what hurts them. What makes us angry, and what makes us feel deprived.
He has lost his sense of passion and a need for intimacy, so empty masturbation has taken its place. Why?
He may have a very low testosterone level; and can only summon enough sexual arousal to get off in a matter of minutes. Real sex requires a lot more work and a prolonged erection. Stamina. If you notice erectile dysfunction; it isn't always because he can't; it can also be because he doesn't care to. He isn't turned on.
You can have him see a doctor to determine if there is any physiological reason for the lack of interest and change in sexual attraction to you as his mate. If sex is your only marital issue, and all is well otherwise.
Sooner or later, you have talk. He's married to you, and if he can't communicate; then you're better off without him. You're not a mind reader; but you can certainly see the red-flags. I guess it depends on how important sex is to you in your marriage; and if you're willing to tolerate a lack of having it?
You don't mention any other aspect of the marriage except the loss of sexual intimacy. I think you know that it's more than that. If you have an overall lethargic marriage, then it has hit a rut, and you may be right. There isn't much you can do to stop it.
I seriously do suggest you encourage him to get a complete physical; and have his testosterone lever checked to see if there is any underlying undiagnosed medical reason. Judge his interest to stay married to you; or to save your marriage, by his willingness to do whatever it takes.
If porn has become his way of sexual release; why should you suffer as a result of it? It's grounds for divorce if you feel he'll never get help. You still have to deal with his feelings for you, beyond what he's doing with his penis.
If you've exhausted all options, and there is a lack of enthusiasm or willingness on his part. Get a divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): Hi. I know exactly what you are feeling. This has been going on for the last ten years with me. Problem is I keep forgiving and trying to forget but whatever I do it all just carries on the same. Just don't think it's you.....I know it is hard as I feel the same. Logically you know it's not you, in your heart it's a different matter. I think your hubby may be a bit addicted to porn like mine. Real relationships are hard work porn is simple and quick. No person can measure up to the fix of porn. I believe porn has its place and definitely can contribute to a couples sex life. But when it replaces it then it's a problem. You need to try sort this out now properly. If you just let it continue this will be your life. And although he may be a good guy, it's hard living in a sexless relationship, especially when he is still getting his pleasure and leaving you without. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. How keen you are to make things work and how it makes you feel. Get a guarantee from him so try initiate more often with you and to limit porn to once a week. Otherwise ten years done the line you will still be in the same situation
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): OP in all fairness your husband not thinking this is a problem is kind of down to you not making it clear that it really is. Time you set him straight. I mean seriously, you're here thinking your marriage is ending and he has no idea that this is even a problem.
My wife did something similar albeit not related to sex recently which is odd because we generally have good communication but she felt it was something which I'd figure out on my own and deal with. She didn't want to burden me with it over xmas and was hoping it would almost resolve itself. She fixed it by talking to me, letting me know the issue which I'd just missed as an issue, I didn't see it as a problem until she made it clear that it was.
You must do the same.
CaringGuy is right, it's due to age and nothing to do with your attractiveness.
As for the porn thing, masturbation and sex are not the same thing. Doesn't matter how low my libido gets I do need to pop one out from time to time and spending 20 minutes engaging in sex is a lot different and more taxing than using porn for a 1 minute wank.
You need to talk about it and not take no for an answer. Don't "try" anything, talk, tell him how you feel and don't let him brush this off. I don't know about you but there is no chance in hell I'd stay with my wife if she just wouldn't have sex with me without good reason for that or trying to fix it. Sure if she was medically unable it wouldn't bother me as much but the idea that she's just not up for it and doesn't care that it's a problem for me would be too much.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 December 2013):
This isn't because of you, it's because of him. He appears to have reached that time of life that all men get to (hopefully not me!), in their early 40's, where things don't happen as easily as they used to. He's probably telling the truth about being tired, and I think that's causing him to suffer from erectile dysfunction. But, there is no sense in him putting his head in the sand about it, as that's not fair to you. Either he needs to check it all with the doctor, or suggest something, or you'll have to make a decision about whether you want to be in a sexless marriage from the age of 30, for the rest of your married life.
He needs to understand what ducking his head in the sand about this is doing to your marriage, and if he doesn't want to listen, or won't at least try to change, then maybe you're better off out of he marriage.
But please don't think this is about you. It's not. It's him, though that may not be his fault either.
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