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female
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anonymous
writes: I am leaving a very unhappy marriage after many years which was very unemotional. I moved out of the family home a few months ago, but have not had the kids staying at my house. I spend all weekend and many nights at the old martial home. I am trying to get the children to stay over, and have agreed visitation, etc, with my wife. But on trying to tell the children, my wife just lost it . My son is really angry, and refuses to talk to me, as he blames me, and no one is talking because we did not talk as a family before. I feel so lost and not sure how to sort this out. I am the bad man and feel like a stranger.Any advice would be welcome.
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reader, simojt_marjun  +, writes (8 June 2009):
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006): Hi,
Of course your son is angry.
No child wants to see his parents to break up their marriage. He's scared and confused and wants you two to be together like you used to be. That's the safe situation for him. The one he's comfortable with.
And of course he blames you. You're the one that left. That is the natural reaction of any child. "You left so its your fault". Of course.....that doesn't make it your fault does it? But he will probably see it that way.
Telling the children that your wife is the problem will have a negative effect. You are trying to make them choose. If you do this they feel they are forced to chose between you and their mother. How would you feel if this happened to you?
You're not a bad man. Your mariage didn't work out but that doesn't make you a bad man.
It is a good thing that you are talking about your situation. It takes a lot of courage. And talking helps a lot. And most men don't do that enough. You are expressing youself this way. And any reply...even this one....gives you the feeling that someone cares :)
Good luck!!!
someguy - Netherlands
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2006): It's not fun feeling like a stranger with your kids. But more importantly, I am sorry that your kids are hurting so bad. Yout son will come around...give him time and a lot of love. Dear, your kids could be hearing and seeing way too much here. To make it right, you and your wife have some work to do. The emotional health of your children is crucial. Your children are reacting this way because they are struggling to adjust to the family changes. They hate this new situation and you have become the bad guy, because you have left the home. What the kids are feeling right now, is the pain this 'conflict' is placing them between their parents and is forcing them to choose. What your kids need more than anything is to be kept out of you and your wife's conflict, to know they are loved by both of you, to have an ongoing relationship with both of you, to understand they are not to blame for the break-up, and most importantly, they need to talk openly and honestly to you both about their feelings. The children need you, they need their Mother. You both have to work as a team to make the transisiton smoother for them. Do this first and then you and your wife deal with the other aspects, if this separation.
Talk to your wife and make her realize that the kids need to be protected from angry expressions and emotional outbursts, by you both. If she's doing this when you are not there..the kids will be hurt by it. Children are very sensitive and react to an environment of tension and stress. The kids need consistency and with respect to schedule, routines and any changes must be done gradually. Over time and with a lot of love, your kids will come around. But..give it time. No matter how angry they seem, just be the best, nicest, strongest Dad you can to them and never, ever say one bad word against their Mother. They will honor you for that, in the end. My suggestion for you and your wife? In the future, when you both need to discuss issues of this separation, pick a neutral location and leave the kids at home with a babysitter or Grandma. Another suggestion? You and your wife should take a parenting course dealing with the issues of separation/divorce, child custody and access. These sessions are designed to get parents to learn how to help their kids adjust. Start with your family doctor or a family counseling office in your area. They will be helpful. Good luck, it isn't easy.
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female
reader, Virginiaac +, writes (29 January 2006):
Hi,
Your message is a little confused. Do you stay a few nights and the weekends with your wife and children?
With any kind of grief, time is a healer. You need time to let your wife calm down although it may be a very long time before your son trusts you again.
Did you speak to your wife about how unhappy you were in the past? My advice is, mark time, give everyone a lot of space but keep in touch. For you, the decision was obviously right, good luck.
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female
reader, sara87 +, writes (29 January 2006):
 firstly you and your wife need to siy down together and talk through this. you both need to decide whats best for your kids here because they need a mum and a dad. then arrange for the children to be with you and your wife and you have to explain to them whats happening. ask them what they want, and keep assuring them that this is no ones fault and you and their mum love them no mater what. you really need to sit and talk this through other wise its going to get worse. goodluck hun
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