A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Before anyone makes any assumptions, here's the background story:I've been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years. The first few months he lived at home with his parents to catch up on debts. I would stay over all the time, and no one in his family ever mentioned an ex-wife, and they are a VERY open family. They were very open about him(and he was as well) having an ex-FIANCE, but that fell through because she wasn't ready. So, somehow AFTER he and his ex-fiance split, he got married...After he moved out of his parents, he moved in with our mutual friends, and after that, we got a place together. We now have a 6 week old son together and he is a great dad and he is very dependable. I know after work he'd always come straight home, and we are always together, so I have no room to believe that he is still seeing his ex-wife.I did not find out he used to be married until last week. After our son was born he got a text from someone asking him to come down to the courthouse to sign divorce papers. She also made sure to say that she and her boyfriend would be paying for all of it... So both parties were seeing other people but never got around to finalizing the divorce.Thing is, I found out on my own. He STILL hasn't told me, and I'm not sure how to approach him about it. I'm trying to keep an open mind, because I know he MAY have not told me for various reasons. Since his ex-wife made it clear to say it would all be paid for, I think it may be a money issue that delayed the process. My boyfriend has been in debt for well over 8 years and is just now getting out of it. When we were preparing for our son, he made sure to get ALL his debt cleared because he said it was most important to do it by our son's birth. Makes sense, but I figured it was so we could afford to be a family, but now I think it may be because he also needed money set aside for his divorce.Also, our relationship took a rocky turn near the beginning. We dated for only two months and then broke up for one month before getting back together. He may had been under the assumption that although we were both interested in each other, our relationship was more "casual" to see where things would go, as opposed to a dead serious relationship that was dead set on a family. However, as the months progressed the latter took into play. Perhaps by the time we had gotten way serious he was afraid to tell me, since he hid it from me in the beginning, and instead of telling me before the relationship got serious he continued to hide it until it was too late and he was afraid of the outcome.I wish he would have told me because I would have not been upset at all. I'm not trying to say he is perfect, but I am trying to think of reasons that he may have kept it from me.1. When someone's in debt like he was, I can understand why a divorce may not be finalized immediately, especially since both parties clearly were no longer interested.2. When something is hidden from the beginning, it can be very hard for someone to tell their significant other. Never had I asked him if he used to be married, so it's not as if he lied to me.3. We have a kid, and his whole family and all his friends congratulate him on his first child and the first child in his entire family. Not like he had a marriage with kids previously...What do you guys think? I want him to give me answers too, but I don't know how to discuss this with him in a calm manner so that a "fight or flight" reaction doesn't occur, because then NOTHING will get resolved.
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broke up, debt, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, money, moved in, moved out, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, loraemoon  +, writes (6 July 2010):
 to be honest in any situation he SHOULD of told you he was married before,, question is why didnt he? thing is he obviously loves you and you have made a family for yourselves so he should of been open and honest,i would be totally hurt discusted and feel in a way betray if i found out my partner had been married before but hadnt told me, i think you should tell him how you feel inside and discuss this maybe then you can understand eachother a bit more and make it clear there shouldnt be any secrets
A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (12 June 2010):
 Female Anonymous answer below,
You have a right to disagree, but while you do so, do your research.
It does not matter that you are "separated", if you have not completely terminated, finalized the divorce by law, you are STILL LEGALLY married. Of course, it's common for people to still date in that situation, but it doesn't change the fact that you're tied to someone else & they are just as wrong as this young man is. He should have been honest, and given her a CHOICE in the beginning! Going through or being on your way to a divorce is NOT a divorce. I know fully well how long a divorce takes, I myself have had one, so there isn't need to try to school me on the word "separated". I've been there.
The young man lied to this young woman point blank, and there is not a reason for that. They were obviously together long enough for him to have said something to her. No excuse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): I don't agree with busy04. All married people I have ever known who "separated" with no intention of ever reuniting started dating. It isn't infidelity if they aren't even together or in love. How can you cheat on someone who is not with you, doesn't love you, and is dating someone else simultaneously? Divorce isn't something that always happens immediately, which is why the "separated" status exists in the first place. It's so you can start finding happiness again. Separation is the emotional divorce.
Maybe he was worried that it would take too long for the papers to get signed because of his debt and he was scared it would delay what was happening with you. He obviously loves you and the family you are starting together, and has no feelings for her. I doubt he was hiding it for some shady reasons. Just be upfront and talk to him about it. Be calm and tell him exactly what you said here. See what he has to say. If he has nothing to hide, he won't be mad.
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A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (1 June 2010):
Hi Hun :)
Let me be very honest. You say that "Never had I asked him if he used to be married, so it's not as if he lied to me."
Sweetheart, an UNSPOKEN lie, is STILL A LIE nonetheless. No excuse for that! He KNEW that he was STILL MARRIED. You should not have had to ask him, he should have said something. Separated is not divorced, regardless of what anyone else says & that's obviously something that's bothering you or you wouldn't even be posting about it. Heck it would bother me too. Marriage is not something that you just forget, it's impossible to forget that. He was intentionally dishonest with you, he put you in a space of being involved in his infidelity & it's not your fault at all. He didn't give you a choice in the matter. I understand that you have a child now & it's his first, etc...but that is not enough for him to STILL leave you in the dark about his "situation".
I believe that you do need to talk to him, and to the best of your ability...remain calm (if you can), even though it may be hard. I know this is a sticky situation but you can handle it with all the grace that you have. Only you can decide how to actually bring the conversation to light. Try talking about it in a private, quiet setting & just lay everything out the table. Ask him everything you want & need to know.
And if you need to, put some space between the two of you for a while. Let him continue to be a good father, but if you need PERSONAL time to reflect & make decisions, then take the time that YOU NEED, you deserve the right to do that.
I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): Look, you don't seem to be the kind of person who cares much about sequence. You got pregnant before getting married, so who cares? He was married... he's NOT married to you... he's currently not married to anyone... so what?
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A
female
reader, heaven= +, writes (1 June 2010):
confront him and make sure to make it clear to him that you may understand why he never told you
also ask his family why they never told youabout it..why they made you figure it out that way it would be ebest to have everything out in the open and not be angry at anything that they did to you-GOOD LUCK
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