A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I’m struggling to deal with the fact that my daughter is having a sexual relationship, does anyone have any advice? She turned 16 in May and is legally allowed to but it doesn’t make me feel any better about it. I just feel like she’s rushing into things.She’s been going out with this lad for about a month who is also 16. Within about a week they were jumping into bed together at his house. I didn’t even know she was seeing him either until a few days ago. She’d been literally glued to her phone all the time and coming home later and later in the evenings. I did have a feeling she was seeing a boy in some capacity so just came out and asked her. It was just a really awkward conversation more than anything else because she wouldn’t tell me much more other than he was her boyfriend at first and that they were spending time at his house a lot. I eventually asked her if that meant she was having sex with him. She just shrugged and went all sheepish, which told me everything. When I said ‘I take it that’s a yes then?’ she responded and asked if it really mattered and I’ll admit I lost it a bit and told her that of course it did. We had a bit of an argument and she assured me that they had been using condoms every time, which was a relief to hear. I didn’t get why she wouldn’t tell me about him straightaway but at the same time suppose it’s her private life at the end of the day.But I insisted on meeting him so she brought him round to the house for the first time at the weekend and as nice as he was to me, I still found myself really resenting him. It took a lot for me to stop myself from telling him to get away from her and get out of my house, but I knew it would’ve been really unfair and uncalled for. So through gritted teeth I just let them get on with things. Yesterday she brought him back to our house they went upstairs together. And I just couldn’t handle it at all. I can’t even say for sure if they were having sex or just hanging out but it literally drove me insane with worry. My hands were literally shaking as I cooked the tea. But when they came down about an hour later we ended up having a really nice meal together. Like I said he does seem like a really nice lad, but again it all seems to be moving really fast. Is it the norm these days for people to just jump into bed at the first opportunity and I’m just an old fashioned 56-year old woman?I don’t know if it’s just me basing my worries all on my own experiences either. When I was 16 I felt nowhere near ready to have sex, never mind even having a relationship with a boy. I didn’t have my first relationship until I was 24 and well into adulthood. I just hate the idea of her giving herself to a lad she barely knows and letting him have his way with her. It doesn’t matter if they’re having safe sex, in my eyes she still seems far too young for it. His parents are OK with it but said they’d understand if I didn’t want their son seeing my daughter and left the ball in my court, but what can I say? I mean legally they could get MARRIED tomorrow if they really wanted to so I can’t exactly stop them from seeing each other. And the last thing I want to do is fall out with my daughter. I also don’t get why I didn’t feel like this with my two sons who are both in their mid-twenties. They both had girlfriends in their late teens and I’m presuming were having sex as well but I barely batted an eyelid like I have been with my daughter. If you’re wondering about her father’s views on all this sadly he’s not been in the picture for years, but the less said about him the better.Any advice would be greatly appreciated.Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2021): No, you can't stop her from having sex, but you can stop them from going upstairs in your own home. Tell her that you realise you can't tell her not to have sex, but that it makes you uncomfortable if they go upstairs together, so you'd rather they stay downstairs. That's fair enough. My parents would never have allowed me to go upstairs in their home with a boy at that age.Btw, don't expect her to tell you about her boyfriends and whether or not she has sex with them. I didn't tell my Mum even though I loved her to bits. It wasn't anything to do with her and she never asked. Just make sure she knows about STDs and birth control, tell her, her room is off limits when he comes over because, although you can't stop her from having sex, the thought of her having it in her room whilst you are there, makes you uncomfortable and you're done. I doubt she is having sex upstairs anyway with you in the house. Sixteen does seem very young and although I didn't lose my virginity until I was nineteen, I had several friends who had sex at sixteen and it didn't seem too young then. She'll be older all too soon, don't worry.
A
female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (23 July 2021):
 Goodness sex at that age is just not good... specially with a boy of similar age,but if you tell them that & they won't believe you.
"Is it the norm these days for people to just jump into bed" Yes, but let's be practical, you probably won't stop her havng sex, but you can help her not become a mother.
Don't get into more arguments with her over sex. Take her to the doctor to get a Nexplanon. DONT believe that this boy is using condoms every time, and tell her that oral can also get you an STD, so wear condoms everytime doing ANY thing!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 July 2021):
 Have a talk with her, make sure she is on birth control.
Some teens are all about the sex, some are all about building a friendship first. Teens are not all the same.
While you can't unring the bell here, you can sit her down and talk to her. Pretending it's all good when you don't feel that way is not helpful. Talk to her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2021): It's just a fact of life I'm afraid! But it's understandable how you feel as well. She's your little girl and she's growing up. Just thank your lucky stars that they both seem sensible enough to use condoms. That shows that they both seemed ready and mature enough for it. Maybe suggest that she goes on contraception as well like the pill or the implant just to be doubly safe if that would put your mind at rest over an unplanned pregnancy at all.I agree that the climate has changed regarding sex in relationships. More and more people are diving into it before getting to know someone properly or at least going on a few dates first. I think it's because the idea of no pre-marital sex is very dated unless of course you are religious.I can vouch, my wife was a drunken one night stand at first. In fact I left hers the following morning forgetting what her name even was. But over time I got to know her properly on proper dates and fell in love and that's all that mattered in the end. You shouldn't think of it as him 'having his way' with your daughter either. Consensual sex is a 2-way thing after all. It may be hard for you when you know they're upstairs together but at the end of the day I'm sure you'd rather them be in a safe and comfortable environment than in an alleyway for something. You'll get used to it I'm sure over time just try not to worry. They're playing safe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2021): It is time to take your daughter to the doctor and get a more reliable form of birth control.It is also time to educate her about sex and std. One thing I would not allow is the sex in my own home.It is a matter of respect for you and those two should not be allowed to hang out in her room peroid.You are the parent here.It made you so upset you shook.Your body is telling you to not have this stress.I would make a appointment for the doctor for you because stress can make you very sick.Ask me how I know.I raised three teenagers.This hard time shall pass and she will grow up.Stay strong.
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