A
female
age
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*ultana
writes:How do I let go of my lover?I am in an unhappy marriage. I have asked my husband to leave so many times but he refuses to because according to him, he wants our family to be complete. We have one son.We talk only when absolutely necessary, mostly about business, and i have no more emotional or physical connection with him.This has been going on for the past 13 years.I got involved with a man, much younger than me, and it has been going on for a little over a year. I have tried many times to break it off because it is like a roller coaster ride with him and I hate roller coasters. I used to be very emotionally attached to him but now it's more of just for sex.I really want to end this relationship with my lover but I can't seem to. It seems like we are so physically connected and compatible, it is hard to let go. But then again that is the only thing keeping us together, I think, although he says he loves me. But he has certain characteristics that that I don't like and sometimes I feel that he is being very manipulative. I need someone to talk to, to enlighten me as to what I should do. I can't seem to let him go. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): whatever you decide just remember - while you are still married (no matter what condition the marriage is) by sleeping with someone else, you are having an affair, so as an adulterer you need to accept the consequences of your actions. divorce is the only solution.
A
female
reader, sultana +, writes (30 May 2009):
sultana is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi. I believe that my husband has been off drugs for about 5 years. I forgot to mention that when my son was about 3 years old and he was deep into drugs, I left him (with my son)and we were separated for almost a year until he came to us one day and begged me to let him stay because he was in trouble and had nowhere else to go. I agreed but I told him it was only temporary...unfortunately, he never left. He would be on drugs on and off for the next 3 or 4 years. Drugs are the worst thing ever. It destroyed our lives, even our business. I never got over it.
The house is in my name and my son. In my country, everything that comes into the marriage is conjugal property but there are certain exceptions. My situation falls into the exception because my parents gave me the property in the form of a donation to me and my son and it is specified in the land and property title.
Regarding business...we are in 2 business together as partners but I also have my own business. Yes, I can live independently and support my son by myself.
Believe me, I have talked with him, fought with him, even bribed him to leave but he is digging his heels in. It even got to the point early this year when I was willing to let him take my son with him, just so I could get rid of him.
Our emotional relationship is beyond repair. I really do not know why he insists on staying with us.I think it is because he has nowhere to go and is very comfortable here at home.
I look at him only as a business partner and surprisingly we are able to do business together successfully.
I think that I have come to a decision that I will just
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (28 May 2009):
 OK I can see where you are coming from now. Drugs is not a situation I have ever had to deal with but is your husband under any type of counselling for that to keep him off of it and also do you think that trying the couple/relationship counselling again could inject a little bit more honesty into your relationship.
Your son is at a difficult age as he is a teenager and that in itself is hard enough to deal with.
You say your husband refuses to leave - why is that? Is it to do with your son or him just sticking his heels in?
I understand that your son does not want to chose who he lives with but when you say that the house is yours, what is your husband's position with regards to ownership of your home - does he have a certain percentage under marriage laws?
Do both you and your husband work i.e. able to support yourselves financially if the other person was no longer around?
I do feel though that your son seeing a relationship that is dead is as hard to deal with as a break-up. Sometimes the parents we see that are no longer together are actually happier as separate individuals than remaining in a loveless relationship. Children are able to cope you know, I have seen it with my nieces and my own daughter.
I understand your reservations but if your husband has in some way talked your son round to fighting his corner for him this could be an unintended way of using emotional blackmail on you.
I am not saying it definitely is that way but if your husband has dabbled/used drugs in the past and his emotional state is not that stable it could be that he does not want it to come from him but instead he plays on your sons emotions to try and win you round.
We can NEVER say NO to our children, we just melt as mothers so I am just saying don't wait too long as your child will eventually grow up and move away and then mum is left lonely and miserable and that is not something that should happen, sometimes we have to make a stand so that we end up being the happy parent to support our children in a positive way.
My daughter has asked on several occasions why I am no longer with her father and she hopes we get back together one day, I have explained to her that this is not going to happen and also that daddy has his new girlfriend and one day mummy will have a boyfriend. I have said to her that it is so much better that mummy and daddy no longer argue and we are happier as friend's than we were when we were together as a couple. She is 8 but she still understands and realises that it is better this way. I couldn't just get back with her daddy to make her happy. So children can cope that is all I am saying.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, sultana +, writes (28 May 2009):
sultana is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone for taking the time to reply. Strangely enough, i agree with what you've said. My son is only 13 years old. Trouble started when my husband `got into drugs while i was pregnant. This went on and off for around 6 years. It has never been the same. Yes, we did go for counselling but that only worked for a while. It is very complicated.As i said my husband refuses to leave and I can't because I own the house.My son has asked me to stay and try to work things out and says that he will not be able to choose who to live with.I am willing to sacrifice for him and stay in this marriage until he is of age,even if it is not a marriage in the real sense. About lover, i am trying to wean myself away from him because it only complicates matters. It is very difficult but i want all of you to know that i am not miserable, i'm just not happy with the way things are. But life is good in many ways and there is always hope for the future. I'm trying my best to hang in there. Again, thank you so much. It means a lot to me that there are people like you willing to help someone like me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): How trivial traits may derail even the most beautiful of relationships is subtle and unexpected. The results, however, may be explosive and catastrophic. This scenario is not uncommon; it is endemic to our modern society. As a family physician, I see the consequences and regrets daily. The question is how can couples avoid what they really do not want?
Perhaps, the best way to prevent infidelity would be to step into the future and look back. This is of course impossible, but seeing so many people who have allowed their relationships to slip away and are left suffering with their regrets, I undertook writing a novel to illustrate this exact problem. So many couples will be able to identify themselves and hopefully gain insight into their own lives and avoid disaster.
http://www.strategicbookpublishing.com/InfidelitysFool.html
Mannie Magid
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (27 May 2009):
 I agree with Honey, you really need to step up to the plate now and start living your life the way you want to. You don't need to settle for a loveless marriage or for meaningless sex. Get a fresh start and then perhaps you will be able to find the guy that can give it all to you.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (27 May 2009):
I have to say that the advice Honeygirl has given to you is very true.
You are living a lie and it has been going on for 13 years, i.e. you are not happy and your husband knows this and you only talk about business and nothing more.
It is unfair to expect you to stay in a marriage that is now dead and has been that way for a long time now.
Your son probably knows that his parents are unhappy and so he is seeing two role models living and acting a certain way and he may well end up repeating this living pattern in years to come unless something changes very soon.
What do you want out of life? Have you asked yourself that question before?
Do you want to wither away to nothing, not knowing true love or affection?
Yes you have a younger lover but I think the whole aspect of not wanting to give him up is the danger element, i.e. of being found out and also having someone else around who actually gives you what you are not getting in your marriage i.e. sex.
So it may not be the romance of the century but if I had been you all these years I can see why you find it hard to walk away from your lover.
However, unless you are going to face up to the problems in your marriage and get your husband to agree to get some counselling to resolve your issues then it is time to face facts that the marriage is over and you both need to move on with your lives.
Have you ever thought that counselling could help you both move on from your marriage, you could tell your husband that you want things to change and you think counselling could help - even if you only did it for him to help him move forward I think in a sense it may help you to move on from your younger lover and stand on your own two feet.
I know it helped me when I was going through all the crap with my ex, it makes you much stronger and helps you to cope with life in general.
Don't sit around for another 13 years and wonder where the hell all those years went. Start to think about the rest of your life and what you want to happen and then act upon it.
No one can give you a magic ball to say what is going to happen but sometimes you have to put a plan of action into place and believe me you can come out the other side and you will like the woman you become again, she will be much more assertive and likeable and much more confident.
Then if you chose what to do with the rest of your life it is YOUR choice and not someone making demands of you. Do it for you and you will also probably find out from your son how he had been waiting for something to happen with your marriage for years, children who become adults are much more knowing than we give them credit for, I know my nieces were far happier when their parents split when they were younger as they have come to know their father's faults and they love him for who he is now but they accept his faults to. They have also thanked their mother (my sister) for actually divorcing their father as well.
It is NEVER too late to make changes in our lives but it does take strength and courage to make the first move.
If you tried the counselling then your husband could not say you didn't give your marriage a chance and you may come out of it without the bitterness and hatred that so many people face each day.
I know that it helped me with my ex and yes we have off days but at the end of the day after almost 20 years together we both have an 8 year old daughter to be proud of and we are more like brother and sister now. He is my best friend and I value that. He has a girlfriend and due to illness and death of my dad and then illness for my mum who is now fully recovered I will find a man to spend the rest of my life with but when the time is right for me.
Don't wither away to a non existence. Enjoy the life you have left as you will be a happy grandmother one day with probably a wonderful man by your side.
You are not 90 yet so don't give up hope of happiness.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (27 May 2009):
 You dont say how old you son is and judging by your age imagine he would be around 20 or so?? If you are unhappy and have discussed this with your husband, who seems to want to hold the family together because he is in his comfort zone, then take the bull by the horns and file for divorce.
Ask your lover to give you some space so that you can sort out your life and once you are thinking clearly again, then you will consider re-establishing your relationship with him.
If you are so unhappy, then you must make the first move towards ending the marriage.
Mail me if you want to chat.
Honeygirl
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