A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi community, so, this is my problem: I have a lovely gf for over a year now. Im Westerner and she is Vietnamese. We live Saigon. I am deeply in love with her, have proposed marriage, so, Im not playing around. She also loves me, I know that for a fact. But she is hesitant to make our relation more serious as she says she needs someone who she feels "safe", meaning, will not cheat on her. That is why she drags me into her friend's parties and bars with tons of ladies. She wants to see my behaviour and reaction. So far so good, I have no issue in her "testing" me. And I positively know that I do not want to cheat her nor have any interest in any of those other ladies, no matter how gorgeous they look. I have made my choice and I am superhappy with it. Problem is, that she regularly claims that I was looking at this girl or that girl while I am definitely know that this is not true. In fact, I have developed a behaviour where I would refrain of looking at any lady whatsoever in order to avoid any misunderstanding. Of course I cannot walk around blind and even while trying to focus on floor or ceiling for a split second my eyes may wander over some of the ladies. But if intention counts at all, I can whole-heartedly state that I have not had a look wanting any of those ladies or gazing on them or even keeping my eyes for over one second. But she still surprises me often with the claims that I was gazing at "that lady with short hair or the other with the black dress" and I genuinely cant even remember having seen a lady like that....cause I dont look! She then also tells me about her previous bf's who would not make her shy like me as they would never look at any lady like I do. Even lady-chasers and big time cheaters that she would date by mistake, seemed to be better "lookers" than me. Many times we go out, she complains and its becoming a real problem for us to move on in our relationship. Before you say that I am just blinded and dont realize when I am gazing like an idiot at a hot lady, please, believe me that I truly do not do that. The most I would look at someone would be, as I said, less than one second, because I know what comes. If I sense any lady coming in from the right I would look to the left. I would stare at my glass for 2 hours straight, memorizing every detail of it to avoid looking into the crowd where some lady may be. Thats for bars or parties. The problem goes a bit on when we casually meet with some of her lady friends. There are some where I feel "safe", like family or close friends. Then I would act what I would say, more normal, not being shy to look at the friend or family. I would even talk to them a bit, because I feel all is good. But sometimes, all of a sudden, to my great surprise, my gf would accuse me that I looked at the friend or family as wanting her, again...from the bottom of my heart, is not true in the slightest. I then tell her to ask the friend, if she felt that I looked odd at them, because I am very sure they will not have felt that way (actually, one of them I asked once directly, she said not at all...), but my gf replies that out of shame they would never acknowledge such a thing...Asian culture. So, she does never ask. Any advice here? If you say: run...please, read again my opening statements. Thank you
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (27 June 2022):
 You will wind up being miserable in a relationship like this. She does not trust you and has serious issues. You can try talking to her but she lost trust from a past experience and you are taking the blame. D
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2022): You will never be "super happy" with a jealous and insecure girlfriend. She has serious trust issues; and suffers from insecurities that make her paranoid and unable to develop any trust in your loyalty to her. She has been traumatized from bad-choices in the past; this is symptomatic of a person who has repeatedly made bad-choices; and never really recovered from their mistakes. They blame everyone else, but never take responsibility for their own choices; and they don't learn anything, they just become victims.
You will be punished for whatever the guy(s) before you did to her.
You are human, and no-one on this planet can guarantee anyone they'll never make a mistake; or will never ever cheat. Part of commitment is taking the risk in spite of our human faults or weaknesses. You are bending over backwards, trying to appease this woman; but brother, you will never win. What are you to do, gouge your eyes out and become blind???
You picked the wrong woman to give your heart to; and you've come to this site with the hopes that we can tell you how to fix your girlfriend. Your girlfriend has trust-issues, and she is paranoid from her insecurities. Nothing short of therapy will help her degree of paranoia.
You want to fix her, but that's not going to happen. She intends to make you kill yourself trying to prove your faithfulness; but you've done everything humanly possible. If that is the case, and you still fail to gain her trust; that means you will never get it, and she is too broken and insecure to offer you a good relationship.
Our advice will likely be dismissed, because you want to keep her. Let's see how long you can put-up with this? You want peace and harmony, and a lady who trusts and cares for you. You're not going to get it from this woman. Time will prove this. She needs to recover from her trauma first; and she needs to stop raising the bar, no matter how hard you try to jump over it. You've both got problems in this immature relationship. You can't see how unhealthy she is; and she values having a non-cheater, over anything else about your character. You will be accused whether guilty or not. You're wasting your time; and she is going to break your heart. After almost killing yourself to make her happy, she will never trust you. If you were a younger man, I could see how you wouldn't know better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2022): A lot of westerners who go to those places either for holiday or work fall for bar girls who they think they are in love with. I hope she is not one of them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2022): It’s time to have a serious heart to heart with her about this. Being expected to stare at your glass or the floor all night as to not offend her is ridiculous. You can’t live like this, it will drive you insane!
Now, don’t get me wrong…there are certain things women can expect from their partners regarding this topic that are reasonable. It is perfectly fine, for example, for a woman to expect her man to not give other women a full up-down look or ogle their boobs or butts (prolonged staring) in front of her. It’s also reasonable for a woman to expect her man to not send signals to other women that he is sexually interested in them (meaning no seductive smiles, winking, or turning his head to keep looking once she has walked by.)
Your partner is literally trying to control your every move. You can’t even acknowledge someone’s presence without her thinking you’re checking them out. This is different than what I mentioned above. She doesn’t trust you at all. She’s holding you accountable for what men in her past did. You two need to have a serious conversation about this, and you need to set some boundaries. The accusations on her part need to stop, and if they don’t, you need to reconsider being in this relationship no matter how much you love her.
I say all this as someone who acted like your partner in the past, but have done some hard work on myself to do better. I knew all along I was full of crap, but I had to learn self control to not blow up every time I “think” I saw my husband look at a particular woman “too long”. I told myself if you truly trust him it doesn’t matter, and he is going to forget her the moment she is out of sight anyway. I know he loves me and isn’t going anywhere, nor does he have the desire to cheat. So if he gives someone an extra glance every now and again, it’s not going to matter. She has no chance!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2022): Hello
If you're 'superhappy with your choice', I don't understand what your question is. You've stated that you don't want to leave her. Well, she isn't going to change, so you have to get used to only looking at your glass all night.
Of course, this is not how a relationship should be at all. Your girlfriend is being paranoid and controlling, but as you state that you are happy with your choice and you don't want to leave her, there is nothing we can say.
Short of wearing a blindfold when you go out, you will have to live your life trying to please her, trying to avoid looking at anyone but her and trying to cope with her ridiculous accusations.
Six months more of this and I can't help thinking (and hoping, for your sake) that you will no longer be 'superhappy' with your choice.
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