A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. I'm a single mum to my beautiful 8 year old daughter and I have struggled in the past but I have always got by. I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant with her, and at the insistence of her dad, I went through with the pregnancy, which is the best thing I ever did. I thought everything was perfect and then when our daughter was 7 months old, her dad left me and in the end, only saw her every few months, and ultimately stopped seeing her all together. I worked and worked to give us what we have, and with help from family, recently brought our first home. I work nights, and my sister who is still at college lives with us so my daughter has someone to watch her while I work. I'm currently in a new relationship, my first in over 3 years and everything is going well. Just before Christmas, I received a message via Facebook from my daughters dad's current girlfriend asking if he would be OK to come and see me about visitation. I didn't reply as I felt if he wanted to talk to me, he knew where I lived and worked. I'm also on very good terms with his brother. She then messaged me again, asking if he could come and see our daughter. I asked her to tell him to contact me himself rather than her, which he did. He wants to see her every weekend, over night every other weekend. I told him he can't just walk in after 5 years like nothing happened. My daughter doesn't know him and to be honest she has never asked about him so I have never spoke about him. He really wants to see her, so far I have refused just yet. At Christmas he sent a massive box of gifts with his brother for her, and even one for myself. I feel bad but I'm not sure how to even approach this with her. I have met up with her dad and he thinks she will understand who he is, but I'm not so sure. She didn't even ask why he had sent her so many after never receiving any before that she could remember, she just thanked her uncle and asked him to say thank you to daddy. How do I bring this up with her? It's her choice if she wants to see him but I don't know how to go about it or how to start things off. He is ringing every other day almost wanting to talk to her but I keep putting it off but I know I can't forever. I let him walk all over us years ago and maybe this is why I'm so cautious but I have to think of our daughter now.
View related questions:
christmas, facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, prettydiamond +, writes (25 January 2017):
My mum was in the exact same situation as you a few years ago, the only difference is that he was taking my mum to court because she said that he couldnt see me. He lied SO much in court and my grandma was very upset because he lied about her too; he even lied about my grandad whos not even alive anymore! What I don't get with your situation is that why the hell is his girlfriend asking you, when it should be him making that small effort, goes to show how NOT serious he is. My dads girlfriend was also the one pushing him to see me (for some reason). I was just annoyed at the fact that my mums been working her butt off all these years whilst hes been sleeping around and making babies who he cant even provide for and then suddenly 11 years later he wants to just pop up into my life and start having a say.My advice is ignore them for a good while, until when the time is right which is when your daughter is able to speak for herself...in the mean time just continue to keep her under your protection. Its the best thing to do xxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): After neglecting you for so long he is now harrassing you and love bombing you.However he is still a vitual stranger to his daughter.Its not the daughters decision if she wants to see him.Courts only ask that when the kids grew up with the dad and the mom and there is a custody battle after a separation and a divorce.I think he is being too demanding and may want to take the child away from you.In any event it is far too late to consider or demand a 50/50care arrangement.You owe him nothing.Get a social worker involved or a family lawyer or solicitor.2hrs at the weekend in a contact centre sounds more suitable.I have know many people to get swept away by what they want and it tends to end up at the contact centre anyway.Too many dads want to arrive full throttle playing at being dad to impress the new girlfriend and as they havent put in the groundwork or committment emotionally or financially and they tend to want to pass the child on, as soon as they get momentarily inconvenienced.
...............................
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (16 January 2017):
I think you have made great decisions in your daughters best interests. She is lucky to have a responsible mum like you. If this guy is genuine then he should be happy to jump through whatever hoops are necessary. I would meet with him and the girlfriend face to face without your daughter first to see if this is his idea or hers. You might get a better idea as to his motives and how dedicated he is. If you decide that he can have contact, maybe start by having your daughter and her dad exchange short letters. It would mean less pressure on her and it would be less of a shock to the system when she does meet him. Whatever you do, I wish you well. X
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (15 January 2017):
 oh and that includes all PAST child support all 8 years minus 7 months
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 January 2017):
Talk to a lawyer. Set up child support payments and when he is totally caught up with them then you can address visitation rights. I'm betting he will do another disappearing act and that will save your daughter any further disappointments from her deadbeat dad.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 January 2017):
 Your ex is insane if he thinks your daughter will just "know" who he is. It's logic like this that makes me wary of him. He sounds... like he is living in fantasy land. After so many years of no contact and he wants to see her EVERY WEEKEND?
Heck no.
I say ask her if she wants to meet him, a perfect stranger who she happens to share a gene pool with. Because he might as well be a sperm donor for all she knows and cares. She doesn't remember him, and there is no such thing as a magical father-daughter bond that just magically appears even when they've hardly ever met. My father insists that there is such a thing, just like your ex does, but I promise you there's no such thing. If he's not BEEN THERE as a good and proper dad, then he's not going to ever have that relationship with her. He's not her "dad", he doesn't deserve such a title. He's a sperm donor. Sorry to be frank, but to your daughter he is just this. Not a dad, just some stranger she shares genes with. He's just as interesting to her as some far out cousin she's never met would be.
However, if he's got his life back on tracks and isn't going to just vanish again, he might be able to build up some form of relationship with her. But I would NOT send her away with him. He is, to her, and to you (since you're not in a relationship and you don't really know him any longer) a stranger. Having grown up in abusive homes with family history of incest and violence, I know just how little you can trust dear old family members. Do not send your daughter off on any sleepovers.
If she wants to talk to him, she can talk to him over the phone, and if she wants to, you can meet up at supervised meetings at the park, for example. I wouldn't leave her alone with him, or send her away on any sleepover until he's a bigger part of her life and you feel you can trust him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (14 January 2017):
To begin with I'm overwhelmed by the inspiration and responsibility that you rose to as a young girl yourself what a wonderful mother and family you have .
I'm also struck by the security that your daughter feels .. as she so secure she never needed to ask where her dad was .. you and your family have given her the stability she needs, that is why she just seems confused over this ..
I agree with honeypie and rest of the aunts .. sit with your daughter .. ask her when and where she wants to meet her daddy .. if it's at your home on her ground so be it make it an hour meet and he can either like it or lump it . Or a public place like a park or play centre thing . Again keep the visit to an hour or so ..
sit with your family and daughter and work out , contact that if she wants to increase can be over time .. you tell him as everyone else says no to over night stays or anything like that .. he has a cheek .. be firm but fair . You have to think of your daughter emotional mental welfare . And your family and you know your daughter .
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 January 2017):
 I would ask HER (she is 8 so old enough to have an idea if she wants to met him and spend time with him). I wouldn't tell her anything bad about him as he probably was JUST as immature as you were when you had the kids, YOU just rose to the responsibility - HE didn't.
If he has NEVER helped financially I don't think he has any rights, but LEGALLY he does. Personally, I don't think there is an excuse I could accept for NEVER showing up and NEVER help to provide for the kids he was so adamant to put into the World.
As for visitation. NO WAY in HADES would he get her eVERY weekend for overnight. NOPE. HE is a TOTAL stranger to her and so is the GF. She might be a nice woman, but YOU don't know her from Eve, you don't really know who HE is anymore.
If your daughter wants to meet up, I suggest YOU, your BF, your daughter met HIM (and only him) in a public place. She can meet the GF later. Don't overwhelm her with TWO new strangers. If you don't want to meet up with him maybe ask a family member or friend YOU trust to take her.
I would NOT let them have her until YOU feel she is ready and SHE WANTS to spend time at his place. Sorry, visitation would be supervised til YOU feel comfortable. I don't give a flying fart whether HE likes that or not.
Kids are NOT revolving door you can just walk in and out as you please as a parent. HE needs to take the time to make HER feel comfortable with him around, and YOU comfortable for him to be around HER.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 January 2017):
 Ask her what she wants to do.No stranger, biologically related or not, can have her alone - especially not overnight.If she wants to meet him, make it a public outing for a couple of hours, with you present. Do that a few times, then ask if she's comfortable visiting him alone for a couple of hours. Make it very clear how long he's allowed with her and explain to her why it's important, so she knows not to let him convince her should should stay longer. Create some fair, but firm rules and tell him he has to stick to them. If he sticks around for 6+ months, ask her if she wants to stay the night. Don't make any plans for when she'll do it again until she's done it a couple of times already, so she definitely feels comfortable doing it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2017): I disagree with aunty bim bim. Truth is we don't know much about this situation. Perhaps he had severe depression at the time, who knows. The issue is now a child's father wants to be part of their child's life. I get that he made mistakes but unless he is a danger I see that the only reason to stop the relationship would be based on your negative feelings not the child's benefit. What if the child asks why her father didn't want to be part of her life and you have to lie?
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 January 2017):
 Well done for protecting your daughter. Her father cannot just waltz back into her life after such a long absence and expect to pick up where he left off. You realize, even if he doesn't, that he will effectively be a stranger to your daughter, regardless of whether he calls himself her dad (I think you should earn the right to be called that and he hasn't earned that right from what you say).
It sounds like he has got into a new relationship (possibly his new partner has kids or they are thinking of having kids together?) and now wants to make contact with is daughter.
Considering your daughter's age, I think you are right in asking her whether she actually wants contact with her father. If she does then I think the first meeting(s) needs to be with you present, so she is not effectively dumped in the care of a stranger. They need to be fairly short (she is only 8 after all) and on neutral territory (maybe a trip out somewhere). Once the two of them have got to know each other a little, you could ask her if she would like to go out for a couple of hours with her father and build up slowly from that. I would not be agreeing to overnight stays for a long, long time. You need to work with what is comfortable for your daughter, not what her recently re-appeared father wants.
From your daughter's perspective, I would always make sure you chat with her to gauge her feelings on what is happening. Make sure she knows she can tell you ANYTHING - good or bad - so that she feels safe.
From your ex's perspective, I would be making sure he knows that he gets to see his daughter on the terms YOU decide, and at the frequency YOU decide. HE does NOT call the shots. I would also be making it clear to him that this arrangement continues while he is true to his word and turns up when he says he will. If he starts to let her down, then that is the end of the arrangement.
Make sure you confide in your new partner about what is going on so YOU have support as well.
Good luck. And have a big HUG. This is never an easy situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 January 2017):
 It sounds as if it is his girlfriend pushing for the reconciliation and he is going along with it.
From your question it also seems that she has always known she has a daddy ... and that his brother, her uncle, is not a stranger to her even though daddy is.
My first instinct is to tell Daddy to go take a hike, but that would not be conducive to a happy or sensible outcome.
Have you access to a professional, like a child psychologist, who you could approach for advise?
You need to be very sure if you do allow your daughter contact with her (dead beat) Dad it needs to be slow and managed. If he thinks he can just magically appear back and then have her for alternate weekends and sleep overs tell him he's dreaming.
There may be a church or organisation who offer supervised access facilities ... I would try for a short meet to start with, with you present, then maybe an activity with her paternal grandmother or even uncle ... then possibly a weekly phone call, then maybe introduce the girlfriend ... again with you present ... then let them have her for an afternoon (if she wants) and take it from there.
If at any stage your daughter expresses that she doesn't want to meet these people again, the cede to her wishes. If he gets too persistent find a lawyer and let him do his worst.
You are in a tough position.
If it appears his relationship is not rock solid I believe you can safely assume once the relationship is finished so will his interest in your daughter. However, if it appears the girlfriend is a stayer, and she is somebody that you can grow to like and respect she could end up being another positive influence in your daughter's life. Our children can never have too much love; without knowing this other woman we can say if she is going to be somebody who believes in "get the child you hold the man" or if she is honestly looking out for the best for everybody.
Take your time making your decision, he had 5 years to decide he wanted to be in your daughter's life, so you take as long as you need to decide if that is something you want for your daughter.
Sending lots of love and light ... I think you will need it while you navigate these difficult waters.
...............................
|
