A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please can someone offer me some clarity and maybe some advice. MY wife and I have been married 10 years, we have a 7 year old boy who is pretty much perfect and no trouble at all. I have an older daughter in her early 30's lives away and she has a younger son who also lives and works away. He and I get on just fine, though her protective nature is at times so overwhelming that both he and I feel like we cannot talk to each other. But that's another story!We were, so I thought happy as anyone could expect to be. In fact the envy of everyone who knew us. Externally it still seems that way. However, I am really starting to struggle with her mood swings. I have no idea where they come from and what to do about it. I have been really open with her telling her exactly how I feel even to the point that the other night I admitted that "I just don't want to be here right now"....that sort of slipped out but it's how I felt. I earn a good living as a clinician but this seems to be taken for granted now too. I met her when her son was 11. The brutal fact of the matter is that As she didn't I took on the role of 'Bad Cop' and dished out all the discipline over the subsequent year and whichever way you look at it he is now a polite, good living chap in an excellent job and the pride of both of us. However, she STILL maintains that I was too hard on him - I can only tell you the truth when I say that there is ABSOLUTELY NO BASIS for this at all. He and I always got on really well and in fact last Christmas he sent me a card THANKING me for all the times that I had been 'Dad' to him and that he wouldn't be the man he is now without my support. You'd think that I had kicked him out, or insulted him or asked him to do something heinous. Silent treatment and pretty much the remainder of Christmas spoiled.She is more often than not a kind and caring woman, very attractive and charismatic holding court wherever she goes. People generally gravitate to her. I am a caring and supportive man, I provide well for my family and always have done, I think I have MORE than demonstrated to her that I am here for her whatever the issues she may be experiencing without being patronising or at all condescending. But here I am....dreading going home as I don't know if I will be accused of something else that I don't recognise as a part of me or something I'd even consider. Essentially my own self concept is the antithesis of what she seems to have of me at times.....I feel like giving up to be frank! When I have mentioned any of this she tells me I am overthinking and overreacting and basically reducing my real sadness and fear to me being fickle. Mixed with all this is a fear, a real fear of breaking up - I don't deal with that at all well and historically have ended up being bereft when splitting with someone so a threat to a marriage with a young child is even more threatening. I don't know what to do. Thanks for reading.........W
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2020): I'm with Wiseowl on all he has said. At the end of the day your stepson has told you he has no hard feelings towards you and has said your 'bad cop' role helped him to become who he is. But by your own admittance that means you were the one who punished him. My gut feeling is she is looking back and feels guilty that in some circumstances she allowed you to discipline him. Couples with a biological child between them can and do disagree on their offspring as I'm sure you are aware so I should imagine it's far harder if you come in as a step father. I think with your little boy between you she wants to get it right for him, I don't know you but the tone of your post makes me feel you don't take criticism and you don't communicate well with your wife. All I can advise is to try and maintain love and respect, accept how she feels and work with her not against her in raising your little boy in a way that sits right for you both. What also struck me is your description of your boy together as being perfect, no one is perfect, be prepared for him making mistakes in his life.Your wife needs to be listened to, if she is addressing things that are hurting her, listen and don't close her off with shutting her down, you HAVE to be on the same page when it comes to raising your little boy together.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2020): Did you let her read the card your stepson sent you? Evidently what he got out of your parenting is different from what she has perceived.
Naturally, fathers and mothers might parent differently when bringing-up sons. Molding a man as a man is different. Not to dismiss her opinion; because there may have been times that you may have pushed things a little too hard. That's how mothers and fathers balance and buffer each other as parents. He's her son, is she not entitled to her assessment and opinion of how you've treated him? The time to make her feelings known would have been during any incident she felt things were going too far; it makes no sense at this late date and time. Maybe she stood silent during times she should have spoken-up. He may say one thing to you, but he may have told her something different. There is yet another son in the picture. He's her more present concern.
What you may consider "overprotective" is subjective. If you don't want your own parenting-skills questioned, don't criticize hers. He's not your biological son; hence you may not have exercised the consciously-measured temper-control and patience you'd show your own natural offspring. You didn't bond with the boy from infancy, he was already eleven years old when you met him. You had to become acquainted with him, and then grow feelings for him. Disciplining without a rooted-love for a child is not the same as disciplining one you've known all his or her life. Anger can get the better of you. In contrast, your love and paternal-instincts would kick-in; making you more mindful of your behavior as when you were dealing with your own daughter growing-up. You say your younger son is no trouble...you mean, no trouble yet. He's only seven.
Administering discipline to a kid has to be balanced, measured, fair, and followed-up with love and affection. Some guys impose a lot of harsh discipline, reinforced with brute-force, and masculine-aggression; but show no love to soften or temper the blow. I don't mean physically, I mean psychologically. That's the part they consider being a sissy and too emotional. They are strict and inflexible, to prove dominance. Setting a good example of manhood requires strong-character, knowing when to be gentle, and also showing kindness. Anybody can be hard and tough. There's more to being a man than being a good-provider or tough. We are not always good at seeing our own faults, my friend. We tend to be biased in that area. If she takes issue with how you've treated her son, you might want to hear her out. It may not be what you want to hear, but it's becoming a matter of contention in your marriage.
Albeit she may be approaching menopause, and some of her mood swings can be attributed to hormonal changes; and then there is adjusting to getting older. Some people hate growing older, and become cranky and obstinate. They can't control nature or time; so they become resentful and touchy. She may be a little jealous that your stepson sent you such a touching note; and she simply wants to poison it a little for no apparent reason. Just because. Don't overreact, and don't let your temper get the better of you. That just might be the problem.
Don't make comments such as you don't want to be there. Words carry a lot of weight and power. What comes out of our mouths can kill or destroy. Just a suggestion can rile a crowd or create havoc. Things you might have said may not have gone over well with your wife, when handling her son. Now that he's older, he can deal with you on equal-footing. He's a man too. Talking divorce might be premature. First, let her speak her peace. If you don't think you can communicate effectively; then get mediation through marriage-counseling. If she has a beef, let her spit it out. Then work it out. If you were too heavy-handed with her son, she may be concerned about how you'll handle the younger one.
We're getting only one side of this. We can't dispel or minimize her feelings; and/or attribute her concerns to merely mood swings. Her actions may be motivated by fear or concern. That's yet to be determined. Maybe you're not listening.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2020): It can be really difficult when the person you thought you knew turns out to be entirely different and often with very little warning.At times you have to recognise that illness or obsessive insecurity have manifested a person you know longer know and that the person they are taking you to be, is not even remotely close to who you are.Then of course when the more reasonable person they can be, resurfaces you don't want to remind them of all the mindless word warfare that they threw in your face.Because you fear that they will regress into that stranger you no longer recognise.It can be difficult to worry doctors with what you feel may be essentially unimportant details while covid is uppermost on the agenda but when the pandemic dies down you could try explaining to your doctor.Certain illness create vast changes in a person's persona so that their loved ones barely recognise them as the wonderful person they once were.For now I would devise mechanisms for switching off a bit to some of the worst things she can say.Bear in mind it could be symptomatic of an illness and don't engage in confrontation on any point as it won't restore the person to their former amiable self.Start making self preservation plans in case the ship goes down.Reduce your expectations because it may be beyond the control of the person exhibiting the symptons.
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