| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I am a 19 year old female. During highschool, I had a steady boyfriend for two years. I was devestated when he broke up with me on my 16th birthday and I had a hard time getting back to living my normal life. He left for school, I immersed myself in college, and after dating a few other people, I found my current boyfriend. We have been dating for almost 9 months. I understand that I am young, and that I am in no way ready to get married emotionally or financially. However, my boyfriend and I have talked seriously about a future together. Including jobs, financing, children, and othe important aspects. My parents and I have had problems for most of my teenage years but always seem to increase when I am with a boy. Now, it is worst than ever. My parents, I feel, are trying to cope with a man taking over their role. I feel they think I need and love him more than I need and love them. They tell me he is not the boy for me. They are worried he pressures me into not sticking with my morals. (I want to wait until marriage to have sex). He has never given me any reason to feel pressured. He and I are intimate and he is very concerened with making sure I feel safe everytime we get close. My mom found a sexually explicit letter he wrote me, and she no longer trusts him. My father and him had a fight when I was angered with my family. My boyfriend told my dad that I was living in an unhealthy house. My dad was hurt. As I mentioned, my boyfriend has had enough of hearing how "awful" he is and how much he "pressures me." I feel as if he apologies for making the comment to my father, and reassures my mom he is respectful to me would be a good foundation to help their relationship get back to how it was in the beginning. (great!) I think i need to spend more time with my family, without my boyfriend always being around. I think I also need to tell them how wonderful my boyfriend is, so they can also see the good with the bad. I need help thinking of other steps to take to try to make this easier on him and them. I am currently waiting to see what he has decided. I am worried I will loose him because he does not feel he is strong enough to deal with the criticism from my parents. I need help. Any suggestions?
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2006): You know, you're 19, not 12. I don't see why your parents are so involved in your relationship - and I really don't approve of them reading your mail. How could that happen accidentally? I don't see why you should have to spend time with your bf and your parents so they can all get along. It's yours and his relationship, not theirs. Part of growing up is splitting away from your parents and becoming your own person. It sounds harsh but this involves doing things they don't like rather than appeasing them all the time. They love you but that doesn't mean they get to control you. I'm guessing they are like this in all areas of your life. It's up to you to draw boundaries, sorry. I think you are pretty level-headed actually - they should see some of the other posts on this site and realise how sensible you are!
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (25 November 2006):
 Your boyfriend sounds wonderful. It's lovely that he works hard to make sure you feel safe with him and that he respects your boundaries. I can understand how he would snap and say that you were living in an "unhealthy house"... it seems YOU are the only one in this situation who really knows your parents and your boyfriend.
Your parents don't understand your relationship with your boy. Your boy doesn't understand your relationship with your parents. This is bound to get messy.
You say that you're worried you'll lose him because he doesn't feel strong enough to deal with your parents. I can understand how he would feel that way. It must take a lot of emotional strength to deal with them...
You need to make it VERY clear to your boyfriend that you love him and you plan on making this work. Tell him that YOU know he's a great guy and that your parents will figure that out too.
I think you're right, that a good foundation for building a relationship would be him apologizing to your father. Maybe you should all go out to dinner (and go OUT to dinner, so that your parents will be forced to be civil) and start with him apologizing. Have him tell your parents sincerely how much he cares about you and respects your boundaries. Tell them that he only wants to make you happy and sees a future with you. Have him mention how important acceptance from your parents are, because someday he'd like to be part of your family.
Have your boyfriend explain that it hurts him and it hurts your relationship when your family is negative. Have him say that he'd be open to spending more time with your family so they can get to know him personally. Just let your parents know that he is keeping you safe and he is making you very happy. Have him make it clear that he's not trying to replace them at all, but he wants to be involved with your life and he wants to get to know you more every day and become part of your family.
It's probably very hard for your parents to have their little girl turning into a woman. It's probably scary to know that you're having sexual thoughts and that you're thinking about marriage. Two years ago you were still in high school! You were still relying on them for emotional help. Now you're growing up and moving on in your life.
I think you're trying to handle this really well. I think your boyfriend is a great guy and I think your parents really do love you and want to do the best for you. Just make sure they know that you love them and that no one can replace them.
Use a dinner out to be honest with each other... make sure that your parents can listen to what you and your boyfriend have to say, but also make sure they have time to voice their feelings too. Make them feel heard. Stand strong in your relationship, but try to compromise with them to make them feel more comfortable.
Ease them into this relationship. Spend lots of time with them and your boyfriend together so that your parents don't think you're sneaking around with him, or abandoning them for him... don't give them time to think that he's taking advantage of you. And when you're around your parents, don't hang all over your man.
This is really long. And I can go on. Catch me up on how things go.
Make sure your boyfriend feels comfortable and your parents do too. Prioritize both parties.
Let us know, sweetie.
xxIndia
...............................
|
