A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupidI think my husband has unhealthy relation with his friend. Let me explain this, this friend of his is a childhood friend and they connected only few months back when his friends mom died and from that time my husband almost spends his weekend atleast one entire day helping his friend with his house work or cleaning up stuff... Which is fine as long as he does some work at home to help me too, nope nothing there.I have noticed when I was hanging out with his friend and his fiance , his friend sometimes is not even that nice to my husband. If I would have said stuff he said, my husband would have walked out on me. My husband gets irritated when food is not super hot like really hot, if it's warm, he would yell at me, but his friends house cold food, that alright by him.And plays games with his friend almost every night until his friend leaves because his fiance asked him to come to bed, if I ask my husband to come to bed and stop playing I don't think he would even respond to me. I feels like I am a convenient cooking , cleaning maid at home or an after thought so he can hang out with his friend more. I never felt appreciated or even loved, oh he never said he loves me even once in this entire 10.years, says he hates saying it but I have seen him say to his friends , his family, everyone just not me or my family.I know why I am with him too, because I'm scared to be alone, I don't have friends and my friends are his friends and they will take his side if I leave and my family is not from around here. So I adjust and adjust and adjust more, but sometimes it feels like I'm gonna break or go completely mad and insane with all these frustrationsSorry about the rant, thanks for reading
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2023): Typo corrections:
"[It's] suffocating when you know a person relies on you for everything."
"We live in a modern-world of technology, there is no [real] distance between you and your family; unless you consciously place, [or] purposely keep distance between you."
*(Maybe because of a spat, or an unresolved-disagreement; or if there is family-dysfunction and estrangement that keeps you at odds with your family.)
"Make a conscious-effort to reconnect with your family [by] any means possible; even if it means mending some fences, or seeming weird to suddenly want to connect with them."
"Rather than see you [as] his wife, lover, and partner."
"If you have to leave him, and be on [your] own; maybe being alone, you will develop the skills to make friends, and regain some independence."
"He may be a rotten-person in general, or he just became spoiled from too much of your over-loving; but it's also possible you've been an enabler, in an attempt to negotiate [for] his love, affection, validation, and companionship."
*(Or to calm him down, because you hate when he's angry with you!)
"He can't be the center of your [universe], your be-all."
"Rather than see you [as] his wife, lover, and partner."
"There is such a thing [as finding] somebody else better."
***Unfortunately, the site doesn't have the built-in system option to go back and edit errors. I can't stand typos! Maybe it's because my job requires written accuracy; and there is legal-liability from typos that comeback to haunt you in a legal dispute! I guess I tend to go back to correct typographical errors, bad grammar, and messy syntax. Like they say, there's an app for that!***
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2023): First off, your words are an expression of your feelings. We will not trivialize them as a "rant." You came here to vent your hurt feelings. Write as much and as often as you wish.
I gather you may harbor some envy towards your husband having a friend, and seeing him give that friend attention and affection. Helping him, and being so kind. It's all pretense, he can't keep it up indefinitely. He just wants to feel appreciated and to look like a great guy. He's human too. He can be needy and vulnerable like anybody else; even when he pretends to be stoic and tough in order to maintain your obedience. In order to keep you in your position of servitude and submission. People only getaway with that mess if you let them!
You have to separate your marriage-relationship from his outside friendships, and his family. Your marriage had problems before the friend entered the picture; based on the comments in your post. You have to deal with your relationship according to your husband's behavior towards you as his wife; and the overall treatment you receive, which has nothing to do with other people. They don't live in your home with the two of you; and aren't around you 24/7. Stay focused, don't compare. They are entirely different types of relationships. It suffocating when you know a person relies on you for everything. Giving him some benefit of the doubt, and taken from on your own admittance.
Your marriage is strictly between him and you. He's catching-up on an old-friendship, which offers some novelty; because it's a different form of distraction. The dopamine surge caused by the reminiscence of the good-old days, and another carefree time in his life. The years of our youth are where we tend to look back; when facing all the endless demands of our adulthood. We need to escape. If you presently have no friends, or never tried to maintain a long-term friendship; you might forget what it's like. How reconnecting after a gap in time will make you behave.
How much love can you show someone you're with, only because you have no other friends, and you're with them only because you don't want to be alone? Any possibility he's aware of this?
Have you ever mentioned this in anger during an argument? Can he actually sense your affection for him? Or, does your connection to him come across as dependency, strained, or obligatory? When people aren't treating you well, or hurting you; it's hard to be affectionate towards them. He may feel you aren't as in-love with him, as you used to be. It's hard to hide. Just accepting your problems silently doesn't help either of you. Just complaining when you fight, internalizing, or making no mutual-effort to compromise, and find solutions to solve your problems. Will only prolong them. They will multiply and grow. They'll grow progressively worse, and a schism forms between you. You'll disconnect.
If your courtship and marital-relationship was always strained and rocky; without you both working on it to salvage it, it just stays that way. He can't fulfill all your human needs. He can't be the center of your universal, your be-all. He can fulfill what is expected of a husband and lover; which is why you got married, but having nobody else to turn to may be something you've inflicted upon yourself. It becomes his burden. We live in a modern-world of technology, there is no distance real between you and your family; unless you consciously place and purposely keep distance between you. You can travel, call by phone, or reconnect through social media. Letting the distance drive you apart from your family happens only if you let it. If you were never close as a family, the option was to make friends and social-connections to close the gap. If you never practice to develop your social-skills, this is what usually happens. All you'll have is one person to depend on. He may sometimes fail and let you down.
"So I adjust and adjust and adjust more, but sometimes it feels like I'm gonna break or go completely mad and insane with all these frustrations"
No, that's not what you have to do. You have to get his full-attention, and express what you're going through. Even if it means you have to get marriage-counseling. Counseling doesn't always mend irreparable marriages; but people may open a line of communication. For better or worse; they may make the final-determination, if all efforts are futile.
You have to make a personal-effort to expand your social-circles; and open yourself up to people, to connect with them in order to make friends and form human-bonds outside the singularity of your marriage. You may not know how to do that; but there are tons of self-help books, publications, and seminars on how to do that. There is spiritual-faith and worship to turn to; when the need goes deeper than just needing other people. Your soul may be in need of something more than a human relationship can offer.
Some people are fine in a "co-dependent" marriage, where it's just the two of them; but it works if they truly value each-other, there is a powerful link sustained by trust; and they have a full understanding of each-other's overall personality, and patience with each-other's quirks and imperfections. They have to be kind to each-other. They have to "almost always" be on the same page (which is super hard to do); and be mentally and emotionally wired to thrive on being disconnected from the outside-world. It seems to work according to anecdotal claims from couples; but it isn't healthy, as you know from experience. The problem is, the immense grief felt through loss of a partner; that some may never recover from.
Make a conscious-effort to reconnect with your family be any means possible; even if it means mending some fences, or seeming weird to suddenly want to connect with them. If it's unexpected, of course people will be surprised or perplexed. Even suspicious of your intentions. It depends on how close you were before you separated and lost touch.
If you practice faith and worship, you should reach-out to fellow-worshipers for friendship and fellowship. Accept invitations from neighbors and coworkers who invite you to social events or celebrations. Chitchat with your neighbors, and smile (un-creepily) when they pass you by. If you are closed-off, overly-introverted, super-shy, and overdo it when it comes to being private; people are forced to keep their distance. They won't like you either! Unintentionally, it could come across as snobbery or prejudice. If you are socially-awkward, it takes practice to overcome your social-awkwardness by being friendly and cordial. Speaking to people, even when it is uncomfortable.
If you've formed a protective-barrier around you and your husband; he will take advantage of it. He will boss and rule over you; knowing if it wasn't for him, you'd have nobody. That's far too much power in his hands, girlfriend!
If you're tired of being your husband's maid and servant, tell him so to his face. You're a grown-woman; your post wasn't written by somebody who can't express herself. It will not work overnight. It will take time and repetition.
If you always do things without asking for help, don't expect any volunteers. Recruit his help when a task is too much for you. Ask for it, then and there! Right on the spot! Not always through nagging, or making a list of commands and chores. Ask him to give you a hand. If he won't, keep a mental-note of how often it happens. Mention it, if you get counseling together; so he can explain to you why he does that. Counselors and therapists usually don't like too much criticism of each-other and passing blame during sessions. It will be strongly monitored and moderated; to keep things on track, and to minimize tension between you as a couple. You'll both get your chance to speak. He probably shuts you down when you try to talk to him, as things go without help of a moderator. If he agrees to counseling, this is just a heads-up!
If you're too tired, or exhausted, don't force yourself beyond your strength and energy. Let him moan and complain! If his food gets cold, oh well! Go find a place in the house where it's quiet and out of earshot.
Tell him why you aren't cooking today, before he gets home from work. If the food you've slaved over the oven to cook gets cold; suggest he warm it up. Being always on-edge, and intimidated by his barking; means you might be mismatched by personality-types. You wanted a macho-guy to make you feel safe and protected; but he turned-out to be too mean and aggressive. Machismo is mistaken for masculinity. In the positive-sense, it's being manly; in the negative-sense it can become toxic. I don't believe in the term "toxic-masculinity." I don't like tropes that cast aspersions on being a male. That's a popular catch-word. I call it over-aggression. Being an a-hole!
Get a backbone. If you cower because he barks and snaps, you've conditioned him to believe he has a right to condescend to you, or bully you. Rather than see you has his wife, lover, and partner.
Unfortunately, you have years of conditioning to undo; and it possibly won't happen without some marriage-counseling, and meaningful cooperation on his part.
Sometimes things don't turnout as we hope; but you don't just give-up on a marriage without trying. Then you also have to face reality. If the situation is hopeless; no need to deal with the frustration and futility. Do what is best for you, and what necessity requires.
If you have to leave him, and be on you own; maybe being alone, you will develop the skills to make friends, and regain some independence. He may be a rotten-person in general, or he just became spoiled from too much of your over-loving; but it's also possible you've been an enabler, in an attempt to negotiate his for love, affection, validation, and companionship. Assess your relationship, and make a list of positives and negatives. Pros and cons.
Your post says it's a one-sided relationship; and it may also reveal that you make no effort to expand your social-life by keeping close-connections to your own family, or reaching-out to people to make your own friends.
If you live in a box you've placed yourself in; it's going to get a little stuffy and cramped. You have a husband; but by all indications, you're still lonely. Yet you're jealous, and resenting his friend.
Trust that the novelty of their reunion will wear-off. You're the one he can depend on; even if he takes you for granted. He needs to be reminded, informed, and re-educated as to who you are; and what your responsibilities are as his wife. He needs to know your limitations, and some boundaries need to be set. In time, he will inevitably realize his old friendship isn't what it once was; but that won't necessarily make your marriage any better. Will it?
You two have some work to do. You also have to develop the courage not to cower to his intimidation and bullying. If it's an abusive marriage, you can do better all by yourself. There is such a thing and find somebody else better.
This was long, but I think my time and the effort is worth it. I feel you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2023): "I know why I am with him too, because I'm scared to be alone, I don't have friends and my friends are his friends and they will take his side if I leave and my family is not from around here."
Sorry, but untill you sort out th eporblems you have people will walk over you, it is as simple as that. Your husband knows taht you have no place to go and he's treating you disrepectfully. If you want respect you need to stop being affraid.
I speak from experience. Two things will happen: some poeple will accept "the new you" and start treating you with respect (althouh I'm not sure you should keep thos epoeple in your life who have no basic respect for others in general), others will not accept "the new you", beceause you will have stopped by then serving their purpose (these poeple want you to play a certain role and if you don't they don't have any use for you).
Your husband doesn't have an unhealthy relationship with his friend. YOU have unhealthy relationship with your husband. It's called codependency. Look it up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2023): test
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A
female
reader, RitaBrown  +, writes (7 February 2023):
A question for you first... How long has your marriage been suffering? Since he reconnected with this new friend or did you have issues before that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2023): Get a hobby and some friends of your own. You are jealous of this other friend and how your husband is with him. If you had a better life with other people and were busier you would not care.
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