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female
age
36-40,
*elp me please2
writes: Ok so i really need help and advice i dont know what to do i have been married for over 15yrs and i have 4 kids but the thing is i just found out last week that my husband just cheated on me for the third time in 8 yrs and i dont know what to do he has been begging me to forgive him. But the problem is i love him so much and wouldn't dream of touchin another man we been together for 20 yrs it just hurts so much that he's done it again. I rely on him financially as ive been a stay at home mum with the kids so even if i do kick him out he has no where to go so he would have to still stay at the house. I just dont know what to do i dont think i will ever forgive him for what he has done to me again. I love him so much it hurts to even think to kick him out and i think he knows it. He keeps saying he's sorry and hates himself for what he's done to me. And can't tell me why he's done it cause he doesnt know y. Any advice is much appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2022): OP this man will keep cheating. He probably cheated before he married you and will continue cheating until his dying breath. These men repeat the same pattern of behavior throughout their lives. I can only speculate why he does it, but the bottom line is he is unwilling to take responsibility that he does it or why. These are both two important steps towards wanting to fix things. He does not want to be held accountable and he just brushes it off like it does not matter. Maybe to him it is just sex, but to you it is a deal breaker. It is time you act like it. Are all four of your kids his? Whatever his reason, he is trying to escape reality. There is something wrong in a relationship or with an individual if they continue to try to escape reality by destructive behavior. Having affair after affair is destructive!
You are afraid to let him go. I understand. You have 4 kids and it is scary to do this on your own. So let us look at an option you can live with.
It may seem unorthodox but if you wont' leave him, which we advise is BEST for you and for your kids, you will have to find a way to TOLERATE the situation, with your eyes wide open. Expect him to keep cheating. And expect to feel lower than dirt for the rest of your days. Expect him to disrespect you and your vows. Expect that he is a bad role model for your children.
Now, this leads to what course of action you will take if you choose NOT to leave this marriage. I suggest you stop having sex with him. I mean STOP. STOP. PERMANENTLY!!! You are letting him have everything he wants while you get nothing. Is that fair? Is that what you deserve? NO on both counts.
Look, a lot of men are on the prowl. I don't care what anyone here says. It is just the way of life and we women are always going to be on guard around them. Let's call it like it is. Even MARRIED men will cheat given a good opportunity they can get away with! But the difference here is that your husband does it as a HOBBY. It is a bad habit he CHOOSES to indulge in. He likes it too much to ever stop! It is recreational sex. He keeps his emotions out of it, but that does not justify it or make it better. He enjoys the ego boost and the high from illicit sex. You remember those days when you first met each other? I call it the honeymoon phase. After many years together, all of that dies a slow death. Kids come along, bills need to be paid, life becomes routine, there are arguments because both people see each other as they really are, and the shine has worn off. Then the real test begins. He has failed time and again.
If someone wants to bang other people, they need to remain single and do whatever they want. They should not be in a committed relationship. These cheaters have no idea the level of damage they cause others. We are talking emotional damage they never recover from! But they have no empathy or compassion. All they think about is themselves and they will come up with any excuse at all to tell themselves what they are doing is okay. They will blame YOU. Saying you drove them to cheat. That is gaslighting at its finest. The choice to cheat is always on the one who is cheating. They made it no matter how they try to rationalize it or tell themselves it's okay. That is how they live with the guilt. They blame their actions on someone or something else or claim they don't know why. All of that is bullshit. If they are that unhappy, they should be an adult and have a mature discussion with their partner and try to fix it or leave. Cheating only serves to destroy whatever is left.
So, back to your course of action. Leave. That is my advice. I am on board with the others here. Women have left abusive men and cheaters for centuries, often with kids and with nowhere to go. You are stronger than you think. Do you have a family member you can stay with while you sort this all out? A friend? Someone who would understand? How about community supports? Do some research.
This man is not as wonderful as he thinks. He thinks he is a God to women. In fact, he is just a weak, insecure little boy who preys on weak women. I think he needs therapy. But I doubt he would ever admit to needing it. Listen, honey, these women are not better than you. They are just easy. They are easy because he picks on the damaged women. He knows where to look. He has used the same act on all of them and it has worked. He is just pretending to be something he is not. He enjoys the fantasy. They don't know what kind of a man he really is, or even if he is married with kids. He probably lies to them. Tells them what he thinks they want to hear, to get sex from them. He is on his best behavior. The way he was when you both started dating. It is easy to have no strings sex in a fantasy bubble while you are doing all the heavy lifting with the kids and real life. Again, he is a very WEAK man who desperately needs attention and validation. What happened to him to make him this way???
So, if you don't leave, stop having sex with him. You do not want diseases! Nor do you want to make him feel he is entitled to everything he wants. Show him there ARE repercussions for his actions. Lay down the boundaries. If you can't leave, stop the sex. And invest in a vibrator. I am serious. You can live without his germ infested penis. Become his ROOMMATE and nothing else. You will both co-parent and that is it. Focus on being a mother. Your kids need a strong mother who is present in their lives. They deserve all your love and devotion. Give it all to them. And stop expecting anything from your husband. He does not love you. He just likes the convenience of a good woman and mother at home while sampling vulnerable women on the side to boost his weak ego. Deep down he does not like himself.
So I am telling you that in order to make this situation tolerable if you won't leave is to distance your emotions from him little by little. You can do it. You need to start there. Emotionally distance yourself from him. It will be a process. But you need to do this for your own sanity. Always tell yourself what kind of a man he is. Keep that at the forefront of your thoughts. Tell yourself you cannot love this kind of a man. That he is not worthy of you. Picture him with another woman. Making love to her while pretending you do not exist. See him for who he is. And when you lose all love and emotions for him - that time WILL come - you can make that decision to leave him. That is when you will be ready. Your actions are clouded by EMOTION right now. But you need to detach and make logical choices. How many more times can he cheat on you before you realize that you cannot love someone like that, that you are doing yourself and your kids a disservice? You just are not ready yet. But you will be. Trust me, I know because I was in your shoes. And I am sorry you are going through this. Cheating on a person who loves you is the most cruel thing you can do to that person. I understand. My heart goes out to you and your kids. x
Ps. And if you happen to meet another man while married to this cheater, do not exclude the possibility of a relationship with him. You can be friends with him.
You will know when you are ready to make changes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2022): I don't know how old your children are but choosing to have four little children when you are unsure your husband loves you and treats you right is a huge mistake. And choosing to rely on him or anyone for money is a huge mistake. You could have made sure you had some sort of career/job instead and many work from home now, but you put all your eggs in one basket and this is part of the result. You either grow a backbone and get a life, and stand on your own two feet now,
or you carry on with this situation waiting till he cheats again. Then he will pretend he is sorry again. Part of why he cheats is because he knows you do not respect yourself and have no fibre, you are simply a baby machine and a housewife, he prefers someone who has more about them and makes their own decisions, when he cheats that is the sort he goes to, you don't make him feel good about himself if he knows you are only there for money anyway, so why would he want to be faithful to that? Counselling etc wont' work because he will continue to lie to the counsellor and you, and himself, and you are lying too. You say you would never ever cheat on him etc, I doubt this is true after twenty years with a man you do not love and who does not love you.
You need to turn into a problem solver not a moaner looking for sympathy, that makes you sound like a child yourself.
How come you found out about your husband, he could have made sure you did not, he did not even care if you did find out and got hurt. In many ways you sound like a child yourself.
I knew a woman once who used to stay in all the time waiting for her boyfriend to come over, she never left the house unless he allowed her to and he told her that she was not allowed to. Then when he was there she did his washing, ironing, cooking and gave him sex and then he would disappear for a week until the next time. You remind me of her. A people pleaser. Always doing what is expected of you like a stepford wife, but actually such people are boring,
they have no substance or personality, and the man loses interest, there is no challenge. It is like being with a robot. Lots of men of your husband's age want to cheat few get the chance. Am not sure how he gets the chance to do this three times but he does, he will get a fourth and fifth chance too. Be prepared that if you stay with him this this is how it is. Your children may well be old enough to sustain a divorce and separation from dad and they would still see him a lot. So don't use them as an excuse to be weak and put up with more robot like efforts.
Sometimes wives show a bit of personality and anger and their husband starts to respect them more.
But this roll over and die I have no choice attitude does not work with them. Be prepared too that one day he might find a person to have an affair with and decide he is sick and tired of you altogether and leave you anyway to be with her. And do not have any children with such a man.
Tying yourself down with a kid with someone who is unreliable and does not love you is the most stupid thing you can do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2022): He did it because he wanted to. As a married man, he saw at least three different women he found attractive and made the choice to break his marital vows to pursue them. Please understand that him saying he doesn’t know why he did it is bullshit and a cop out.
I understand that you can’t flip a switch and stop loving him. However, I believe continuing to be married to him is going to eat away at you, because you know you can’t trust him no matter what he says at this point. It could also put your health at risk whenever you two are intimate. Three times is only what you know about, but it is also grounds for a divorce. Even if you’re religious and are against divorce, God makes an exception in the case of infidelity. Please don’t feel guilty for leaving because of your kids, either. Their father, not you, was the one who decided random sex was worth the risk of losing his family. He was the irresponsible one with no self control.
Lastly, without trust, a relationship is already dead, no matter what type of relationship it is, or whether or not you keep them in your life. He has proven over the years he is not trustworthy. Leaving him isn’t being unforgiving…you are simply acknowledging you aren’t compatible in your morals or views on marriage. You will then be free to find someone who will not cheat, and he is free to find someone who is okay with an open relationship or marriage.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (24 August 2022):
 Let me suggest why he has done it: because he CAN, because he has got away with it before and because he is not afraid of losing you because he knows you will stay with him, no matter how many times he cheats on you.
You DO have an option to walk away but you have given every reason why you can't, which means only one thing: despite him hurting you repeatedly and showing you repeatedly that he does not love you enough to not cheat on you, you still WON'T walk away "because you love him", like that proclamation overrides everything else.
Your options, therefore, are limited by your own inability (or unwillingness - whichever) to see this man for what he is. He has cheated on you 3 times. He WILL cheat on you again. You will just be waiting for the next time, always wondering where he is and who he is with. What a fantastic life. But that is YOUR choice if you choose to love him more than you love yourself.
Why should HE value you if you don't value yourself? Sincere question. Please ask yourself WHY you value yourself so little that you will allow someone to treat you this way, over and over.
You love a weak man who does not love you as much as you love him. Let's hope your children don't grow up thinking this is the right way for men and women to act. If you have sons, do you want them to grow up to be cheats like their father because they witnessed their mother putting up with it? If you have daughters, do you want them to allow their future partners to treat them in the casual way your husband treats you because that feels familiar? Children are like sponges and soak up what they are surrounded by. For their sake, if not your own, I hope you find the strength to love yourself (and them) enough to finish this, once and for all. Sadly, I doubt it will happen.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2022): You don't say which country you are in but in many places he would still be financially responsible for his children if you leave him because he cheated. Likewise if you are married you will be entitled to half the family assets (in many countries). I suggest you read up on your rights or seek legal advice. He cheated on you 3 times already, he isn't going to stop now. Eventually he will find another and leave you for them. So get your ducks in a row now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2022): Typo corrections:
"Knowing your rights will enlighten and embolden you; and give you the courage to make better [decisions] regarding you and your children."
"It gets him off the hook scot-free; so he can get-on with life [as] usual, as though nothing ever happened."
"He has no regard [for the] pain and suffering you're going through, and thinks only of pleasing himself."
"If you did, you'd have a refuge, [or] some safe-haven to retreat to; and a welcoming place to go and take your children."
"If he was a rich man, you'd have his money to [to turn to] as your source of security and comfort."
P.S.
Never see yourself as hopeless, or helpless. You have inner-strength given through faith. Hopeless?!! Not if God has anything to do with it. I'll even pray for you and your family.
Sometimes a wayward husband comes to his senses, and he sees the error of his ways. Nowadays, that's quite rare; and you can't count on that being the case when it comes to a serial-cheater. They don't really have the capacity to offer a love that is faithful and reliable. They have a darkness in their souls, that sucks the light out of you; but they don't bother returning love in the same way or amount they receive it.
Your love and faithfulness is basically a joke to them; until they cheat and find someone they really want. That's why you must prepare spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, and legally for that day to come. He should be forgiven, but forgiveness does not change people; it frees you of the power they have over your feelings and emotions. It releases you from the enslavement they hold over your feelings for them; and if necessary, it lets you move on to an unburdened/unencumbered life. To look forward to a better future. God-willing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2022): Your husband knows you depend on him financially, and he also knows you don't have the heart or strength to leave him. He has cheated on you in the past, and there were no consequences; hence, he has desensitized himself to any feelings of grief, remorse, or guilt after betraying your trust. He has no-one to challenge him or hold him accountable for his cheating; so he'll probably do it again.
Check and see if his job benefits include family-counseling. Some healthcare plans include counseling and therapy; and if his healthcare plan has this option, you should encourage your husband to go to counseling with you. He is an unrepentant cheater. They are the kind who take advantage of the fact their spouses have no means of self-support; and can't leave, or take their children with them. I would suggest that if you practice faith and worship; now is the time to seek prayer and counseling through your ministry of faith. People scoff at that these days; but I don't know why. It brings comfort, and the family-counseling is free. Winging-it by the seat of our pants seems hopeless; so if you do believe there is a God, now is the time to go to your faith.
You don't mention the ages of the children, but you're going to have to make some sort of arrangements for someone to sit for those under school age; so you can get yourself a job. Someday you may be their primary source of income and financial-support. You may never leave your husband; but if he is the roving kind, he is eventually going to find a woman he wants to keep. He will likely leave you and the children. Cheating-husbands rarely take their kids with them when they abandon their spouses. I would suggest you seek some legal advice from an attorney about your spousal-rights. Knowing your rights will enlighten and embolden you; and give you the courage to make better decision regarding you and your children.
Knowing your rights will prepare you for what's inevitable down the road; because you cannot emotionally, or psychologically, dismiss your husband's repetitive cheating; and blatant lack of remorse for it. He just pretends to be remorseful, he puts on an act so you won't see him for the dark and selfish creature that he truly is. It gets him off the hook scot-free; so he can get-on with life usual, as though nothing ever happened. He has no regard the for pain and suffering you're going through, and thinks only of pleasing himself.
You must prepare yourself for a legal separation; because your mental-health and your physical health are at stake. At some point, you could be overcome with grief, anxiety, and descend into a state of depression. Your post already conveys that you are in a state of hopelessness and frustration. Feeling helpless, with nowhere to turn; or any idea what to do. I suggest you pray on it. Even if you don't believe. What have you got to lose? Go online and research for free family and marriage counseling. Get whatever free legal advice you can; because he has to realize there are consequences; and you aren't afraid to leave him. I am almost certain that even if you won't; he will eventually leave you and the children. His sexual urges are stronger than his sense of faithfulness to you and his family. He places his penis above everything else.
He no longer has the self-control or sense of conscience not to cheat; he lost it the first time he did it, and got away with it. He is powerfully aware of how you helplessly cling to him, with no place to go. I sense you have no strong family-ties with your parents or siblings. If you did, you'd have a refuge, of some safe-haven to retreat to; and a welcoming place to go and take your children. Rather than stay living with a man who has no sense of guilt or remorse; and will repeatedly betray you. He even has the unmitigated-gall to still lie in your bed next to you, and touch you; even after being with other women. I assure you, he's not sorry. He just wants you to forget and forgive him; until the next time, or look the other way, while he has other women on the side. It's cruel and depraved male-behavior.
Divorce isn't always the answer, but sometimes you are forced to take it as your only alternative, and your final-option. Some men just don't have a sense of loyalty to his wife and family. They'll lose any ability to be remorseful. Some guys only see a wife as just someone to bear his children, cook, and clean-up after him. In time, God will deliver divine justice and intervention into your situation. That comes through grace as a gift, love, His mercy, and without even asking. That is, if you seek Him as a source of guidance and comfort. Otherwise, contact a lawyer and child-support authorities; because there will be a time you will need them. It's not always necessarily by choice, it may be a necessity. This is the time to prepare. You have a husband who has cheated three times; and that's a pretty good indication he will not stop; and he is comfortable knowing you don't know your own strength, will sacrifice your own mental-health, and may eventually become one of those women who will just look the other way. They are lonely, pathetic women. They are empty, and many get infected with incurable sexually-transmitted diseases. They live miserable lives. If he was a rich man, you'd have his money to as your source of security and comfort. You don't even have that! You do have God waiting to hear from you, in the meantime. You can ignore this advice, if you are an unbeliever. It's a suggestion only if applicable.
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (23 August 2022):
 If you dont want to leave the options are couple therapy, spiritual guidance, forgiveness. Its hard to forgive a cheater and your husband is a serial cheater. When will Enough be enough? Go to the doctor get tested. Protect yourself. Love can indeed be blind but dont be stupid too. He could easily give you something. Good luck dear. You have a long road ahead. Your husband knows why he cheated. Dont believe that he doesnt.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 August 2022):
 There isn't much advice I can give here.
You don't want the marriage to end, you say you love him and are fully dependent on him.
So there is only ONE choice really, and that is finding forgiveness through marriage/couples counseling or faith. As far as I can see.
I would advise that you get an STI pane done, and ASAP.
" And can't tell me why he's done it cause he doesnt know y. "
That sounds like bullshit to me. But you don't WANT to see what is right in front of you and that is your choice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2022): You have forgiven him twice before, yet here you are dealing with it a 3rd time. He isn't sorry. He's only sorry he got caught. You say he doesn't know why he does it? Of course he knows why. You just find it easier to believe it because you depend on him financially. I've seen it time and time again. Wives giving up financial independence to their husbands, only to find themselves in an uncomfortable situation in the future. Once a woman does this, it's over. Now you will have to make a decision. Either forgive him again because of finances or leave him and do what it takes to survive without him. It can be done. It all depends on how hard you are willing to work to put your kids first.
Have you considered what his behavior is doing to your children? You have a duty of care to protect your children from abuse. Yes, it is abuse. He leaves the family home, emotional security from the children and lays down with other women. How can you be ok with that? All because he supports you? Your feelings and respect are as much importance as your kids. Sometimes love and money are never enough.
I've been in your shoes. Although he wasn't a cheat, it was emotional abuse. I always worked but he wanted me to give this up and depend on him. Thankfully I didn't. I was able to leave with my daughter and start a fresh.
You can do it too. It may be hard, but it can be done.
I wish you all the best hun.
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