A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I messed up with a friend of mine who is gay and we got in a fight over something stupid and I called him a faggot and not in a joking way but an angry way. He got real quiet and said “there it is” and just left. I don’t blame him. Based on his face I think it hurt him. I have not called or texted him yet because I am not sure what to say. He has not texted me or called. He is legit busy with a work thing he already mentioned with his boss being in town, but that does not mean I cannot text him to say I am sorry, but not sure what to say and if that should be in person. I really am sorry. He trusted me with his secret before he finally was ready to be public and I don’t care that he likes dudes. It was weird at first but then it was cool and basically he is still my buddy. It was just a stupid mean thing to say lashing out because he was confronting me about something I should not have been doing. I don’t want to sound like I am making excuses though. He was trying to help me but was pushing the wrong buttons. Is there a right way to make up with a buddy in this situation? If he was a girl, I would send flowers but that is stupid, right? I told my GF what happened and she is pissed at me now too, but I don’t blame her either. She was going to call him and tell him I felt bad, but I figure I need to own up and be the one to apologize. Part of me wants to just show up at his work thing, but if it was me I would not want that. Any tips on the right way to approach this and let him know how bad I truly feel?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (11 September 2022):
 People will forget what you said or what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel. You have hurt your friend deeply and he will never forget how that felt, especially as it came from someone who he viewed as a close friend.
In your shoes I would drop him a text - the sooner the better, as the longer this goes on, the more difficult it will be. Say something like "I am so sorry. I know I have messed up. I have no excuse. You are the last person on earth I wanted to hurt and I hate myself for what I said. Can we meet so I can apologize in person? If you feel you cannot forgive me, I will understand and respect your decision but know I will never stop regretting what happened."
Then sit back and let him decide whether he wants anything more to do with you. It may be that he decides he cannot move on from what happened. Even if he forgives you, know he will never forget.
In future, try to think before you speak when you are angry.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 September 2022):
Testing
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2022): You sound very immature, and your friend is far more mature and sensible. This is one of the reasons, a big reason, he is avoiding you now. He knows it will only be a matter of time before you lose your temper or show how superior or immature you are towards him again, he is concerned he is on a hiding to nothing, wasting his time.
Your concern is more about yourself than him. You spilt milk and are trying to find a way to unspill it, this is about you still having his friendship and having to say sorry to get it. Not about you being concerned for how he feels. He knows that and it is another reason he is avoiding you.
You are not superior to your friend simply because he is gay. In fact if anyone is superior it is him, because he does not have that nasty streak you have.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2022): Give him time and space to absorb things a little. There has to be a cooling period.
Approaching it right now will be awkward, and he may not be receptive to your apology; because the window of opportunity closed when you let him walkaway without making sure he didn't leave the scene without asking for forgiveness. He's not just angry, he's humiliated. You demeaned and emasculated him using such a bigoted word. You placed him beneath you as male. If you're not British, it is a very derogatory term to use against another man. Gay or not!!!
Even if you blurted-out that you were sorry, then and there (like a reflex); the word did what you intended it to do. Your "I'm sorry" was only meant to excuse yourself on the spot, to avoid any responsibility; and to absolve you of your bad judgement-call.
Name-calling in anger isn't always a slip of the tongue. It is what's buried deep in the heart. You often hear people claim you don't mean what you say in anger. Yes, you do. When you're furious, you want to inflict deep emotional and psychological pain; you search within your thoughts and deepest resentments to find the words. Even the Bible says the tongue can kill. What flows from the lips comes from the heart. We'll say we don't mean it, but restraint during anger avoids incidents like these. When the words leave your mouth, they are captured in the recipient's ears and memory for a lifetime. Even if they find the heart to forgive you.
He may not end your relationship for a single incident. In his heart, he knows you're sorry; but the pain isn't just the word, it's a stab in the heart that it came from you. Your entire post is full of regret and remorse. I don't doubt your sincerity in the least; but I'm not the one who was offended. Although I do find the word "faggot" quite offensive, knowing all the negative connotations it evokes. Most men may resort to violence in response. Which is why it's not commonly thrown around among us menfolk; even when pissed at each-other. Maybe it's more among the crassest, or ill-mannered brutes who use profanity as their regular vocabulary. Where anybody is the target. Gay men even volley the term back and forth; but in such situations it is ambiguous and still wrong.
It doesn't carry the same kind of venom. Just like the term "bitch" may be casually used; but sometimes that could arouse contempt and erupt into violence. Best to watch your mouth!
Even if your apology isn't immediately accepted; it still might be accepted, but result with the ending of your friendship. I suggest you stay optimistic. The apology must be said in-person. Not on his job. Don't corner him; but call and leave a message, asking if you may meet-up with him; because you have something to say. Respect his dignity, he loves you and just can't face you at the moment.
If the friendship is salvageable, he will likely agree. If he doesn't, wait awhile, then try it again. You owe him the apology whether he accepts it or not. I am sensing so much remorse and earnestness in your post. If he knows your character, he held you to a higher standard; and gave you his trust. Make an attempt to meet for a formal apology, but there is little need to grovel. I just think he needs to know his friend thinks more of him than to degrade his person down to nothing more than that despicable word.
You have a heart, and your post proves it. I hope he comes around.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2022): I would text him to tell him I would like to appologize to him face to face, because what I said was hurtful and said in the heat of the moment. I would tell him that I value his as a friend and that I understand if he wants nothig to do with me.
Or something along those lines.
You're letting him decide if he wants to see you or talk to you.
If he's silent, well, you'll know.
And btw, it's not up to him to call you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 September 2022):
 No, your GF shouldn't be the one to call him, no you shouldn't show up at his work either.
Your GF is not your mommy who runs around and puts out your fires. YOU need to do this.
His workplace should NOT be the place to do this either. THAT is where HE is being professional and where he earns his living. Not where you potentially create MORE drama.
CALL him and apologize. If he has you blocked, send a letter (snail mail) and wait for him to decide what comes next.
He might accept the apology but want nothing further to do with you. You will have to accept that.
The longer you wait, the bigger the chance of this friendship being 100% over.
What you said was meant to be the most hurtful thing you could think off - for whatever reason. And it WAS to him. Don't try and justify it. OWN your actions and words.
If he DOES accept the apology THEN you can send flowers if you want to.
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