A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been going out with my boyfriend for 1.5 year. we broke up for two months because he was too scared to be open and let me into his world in case i hurt him like an ex did, keeping me at a distance, and not helping correct the things that he did that hurt me. I didn't know he was scared until he got back in touch after the 2 month break and said he wanted to be open and honest and explain everything to me, hes loves me. I did miss him, and really believed everything he said. Still do.However this keeping me at a distance explains some of the reasons we broke up. But there are still other parts.He said he is making lifestyle changes, and he has been making them as far as I can see, and at his own choice, i didn't ask for them. Things like dulling down his drinking, i think he took drugs (very occasionally) before, and is stopping (although he doesn't admit to this one because i was quite firm with my views on drugs). He now wants to spend as much time as possible with me, and invites me to all of his social events (before i was pretty excluded). He communicates with me when I need to talk. But he isnt opening up to me about any problems or doubts or anything. its all him dealing with my things i raise. I highly doubt I've been perfect. Some of the old hurts keep shadowing me, and make me suspicious, he over stepped a boundary with 'bantering/flirting' with a close female friend. Most of his friends are female, so with some of them I worry if his 'bantering/act' is kept tame. He lives with a close female friend too, who has little shame, and wears next to nothing around the house, she burst into his room drunk late while i was sleeping there at 3am and ran back out etc etc. (she had brought a stray guy home also-so i know she wasnt about to throw herself at him- he did also tell her not to do that again) So when i'm not with him, i sometimes can find myself get annoyed when is cooking and winding down with her or lazing around watching TV. But hey its their house. (i guess this is me worrying when hes not with me he can perve for free and get the female attention- ive seen more than enough of her boobs and butt cheeks and underwear, she is an attention seeker and both of them had no partner for 7 years - so she is used to his male attention- the 3rd male housemate has made a subtle joke about her peek-a-boo undergarments and indecent skin display) I am always talking with him about my worries and concerns whenever they pop up constructively. I tell him how something makes me feel and say i think if he does this it will help, and we discuss.With the one he was 'sexually bantering' with, she belongs to a group of friends he met travelling, and they are the group that indulge in drugs (some quite hard stuff too) and i told him they are not my cup of tea. (they are a bit younger, dress like wild kids, and speak very trashy, and take drugs) I'm sure they are nice when on a normal day, but it clashes with my views and morals. which means when he spends time with them I feel uneasy, because I wonder what draws him to this kind of friendships, its like a different personality. (i met them a few times and it was with this group ive felt very hurt by some of his actions) But i said long term I don't know how I'll cope with that anxiousness because as his friends he will continue friendships. at the moment he has stopped the 'raves and house partying' with them. So again he is showing effort. So in all, he is showing effort, but not opening up Enough, (unless i am perfect) but when we are not together i feel anxious about him spending time with the drug group, or out drinking with his housemate and going home drunkenly (in the pre breakup relationship they didnt live together but went out for catch ups getting smashed- but it doesnt appear to happen so much now he lives with her), and living with her being pretty much naked. I think because whenever we go somewhere, and its his friends, because they are all girls, i just don't ever really enjoy myself. I think if it was more balanced with both sexes i'd feel easier.I feel I am perhaps a little mature for his group. My last bf was older and his friends were all settled. It felt like a family to me. this one just seems like im up against all these girls who appear to have no self respect. (this isnt including all his friends, some of the girls are v nice, but ones says are his closest.I know these are his friends and I need to accept them and him all as they are.But it stresses me out and I feel as though I'm 'getting the bad end of the relationship stick'. since he doesnt have to put up with these things from my friends. He's just putting in his effort as a good boyfriend should do. But I'm doing that as a girlfriend, as well as trying to not be overwhelmed by this other stuff. I took a break tonight to sort my head out. Because I'm not sure I have any grounds to moan to him about some of this stuff, but its stuff that tires me out emotionally. and affects the relationship. But I do love him and think he is really nice (trusting he is being honest and not lying to me)Please help me to find sense???
View related questions:
a break, boobs, broke up, drugs, drunk, underwear Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): if you feel like this isn't going anywhere break it off. You deserve to be happy and making yourself stay with him (Which is what your really doing) is only hurting you. Stand strong. :)
|
