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female
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anonymous
writes: me and my husband are having big financial problems and he often blames me for not having enough money. when i say big i mean big. we're constantly getting eviction notices from our landlord! getting diconnection notices from our utility bills! he says that i dont take care of anything and are always left without money because of it, but the truthe is, is that his FULL time, morning till night job isnt good enough to support a family. he makes enough money to support only one person. we're a family of four! him working extra hours isnt enough either! we're making it because we have government aid, but still its not enough. my husband has a hard labor job that doesnt pay enough. ive tried telling him something, but he starts off saying that i dont appreciate his hard working and always want more. i do appreciate how hard he works, but its not that, its because his job doesnt pay enough. there are plenty hard labor jobs that pay a whole lot more, but he doesnt want to look for another job because of the stress involved looking and getting accustomed to another one! i cant get a job to help out because we have small children and cant a afford a sitter, plus i dont have a car to go to a job. i cant work while he is home because he works at night also. my kids dont go to school yet, so i cant even get a part time job. its seems impossible for me to work right now. and even if i did have job it would do very little because i would have to pay for a sitter, and a car. it would be as if i wasnt working. how could i convince him that things arent working out and that he needs to look for a job that can support our family? we've been living like this for the past 4-5 years and im sick of this. i feel hopeless and am ready to call it quits! he seems to be very hard headed about this and needs to understand that a mans job is too take care of his priorities! this is just too much for his little head to handle, he says, but yet doesnt do anything about it! it seems as if he's thinking about him and the stress of how hard it is working in another job instead of what his family needs. he sounds selfish by saying that its too much for him to handle! he needs to know that his family comes first before his little stress, and that he needs to sacrifice himself for his family! what can i do to make him understand and do something about this instead of griping at me for everything?!
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female
reader, uonlyliveonce  +, writes (15 May 2006):
 your husband is trying his best to support you all and although it may not seem good enough try to be more positive towards him there isnt much else he can do there are only so many hours in a day. maybe you could consider getting a council property, they will take into consideration the money you earn and it will cost you much less rent than a private landlord. and maybe you could try getting a job were you could work from home. or some comanys have facilitys with a free nursery for employees and you dont need a car try a bus!! anythings possible if you put your mind to it, plenty of familys somehow manage even when the husband is lazy and doesnt work at all be thankful your hubby works night and day.talk about this together and see what you can come up with it wont be doing your marriage any good if you have all this stress and your husband must be worn out working night and day and hardly seeing his kids.you are putting alot of pressure on your husband when you could be doin more. im 17 and my boyfriend is 18 we have a baby together and our own home its far from easy but he works full time everyday and i work 4days a week ive only just started driving but even before i had a car we managed nothings impossible its hard definitly but not imposible you need to work as a team and make sure you still get family time together.i could sit at home on my backside all day claiming benefits and not working because i have a baby but i dont mainly just to prove everyone wrong ;)its NOT impossible for you to work at all just have a bit of creativity even if you do want to work from home every penny counts good luck if we can make it work anyone can no excuses :)
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (14 May 2006):
 Whoa, slow down.
I think first and foremost you need to lay off you poor hard working husband for a while and give him a little credit where it is due!! He works hard week in week out and obviously apys every penny (from what you say) into the family pot. Then after work he comes home and has to listen to you berating him for being useless and not supporting his family!! PLEASE give him a break or very soon he may develop a spine and walk out on you when he cannot take any more!
He has stress at work and then stress at home when he comes back to you complaining and griping. Step back and start to appreciate what he does each day. Take time out to make his family home a welcoming and nuturing environment. Run him a bath when he gets in, don't launch at him with tales of woe is me we have no money. If you are so sick of being this poor YOU need to stop putting obstacles in the way and get off your backside and get a job that you can work whilst he is home. I know you ahve made excuses, you need a car, you need a sitter....but if he is home then you don't....so don't put all the pressure on him....get off your butt and get a job! Work form home, Avon or something like that. It may only bring in a few pounds but it is better than nothing. Work together with your husband and work out a budget and STICK to it!! When the pair of you are being friendly and civillised to each other and your hubby is feeling secure in his home environment then maybe he will start to look for another job....but you have to support him, not ride his ass every time you see him!! If you ahve been living like this for the past 4-5 years and you ahve hated it all this time can I question why you continued to have children with no visible means of increasing you income without you becoming offended? It sounds as if you ahve both contributed to the mess you are in and it will take both of you to work as a TEAM to get you out of it!
I wish you luck, but it will take more than luck to change this situation. It is gonna take a lot of hard work form the pair of you.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (14 May 2006):
 Financial stress can easily creep into other aspects of your relationship. I understand his job doesn't pay enough but you need to tackle him about it in a different way. He probably feels that you are attacking him as the man, husband, breadwinner etc and it is easy for him to translate your job isn't good enough into 'I dont think you are good enough'. First of all you both need to see a debt counsellor - an independent one in the community not some shark trying to get you into more financial strife. If he hears you are both in financial trouble from an independent person then it could help the situation. Most communities have voluntary services for this kind of thing so get the phone directory out and start looking. They may also be able to show you how to get a tax rebate etc. Secondly, I understand that you cannot work at the moment but you could spend some time looking for a job for him and applying on his behalf - applications take time, and if his job is exhausting then I understand why he doesn't want to look after work. I help my husband with his job applications all the time because English is his second language, and I know he wouldn't try so hard if I didn't give him help. You might also want to consider working from home - something small to start with like online auctions that doesn't require a great deal of time or resources wouldnt be a bad starting place. Some consultancy agencies and secretarial recruitment agencies sometimes look for staff working from home to do data entry and routine typing tasks.
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