A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 49 year old man who has been with my wife for 30 years, married for 21. She is a couple of years older than I am. My problem is that over the years she has developed an ever increasing set of quirks. I might even call some of her behaviors obsessive compulsive. While she has always suffered from bouts of depression, these are relatively new behaviors that she developed over the past 8 years or so and has time has gone on they have gotten more numerous.Some examples are that she always sprays the toilet with disinfectant after using it or after I use it. She never used to do that.She wipes down the inside of the dishwasher BEFORE running it to get any spills up. This is is not necessary for clean dishes and I would know because I have done the dishes for our entire relationship, but she does it anyway. This is new behavior.She hordes items. If I buy her something she likes, say, a hat, she will want several of the same ones but maybe in different colors. The house is getting cluttered with all these extra items. When I met her she had a very minimalist lifestyle, more so than me. I was the one that was always a pack rat.When we go on trips in the car, and by this I mean local trips of 20 minutes or less, she will bring a cooler of drinks and snacks with her in case we get stuck or she gets thirsty or whatever. This is new behavior. She used to bring a bottle of water with her and maybe a candy bar, but this entire cooler (two of them usually) is way overboard given the length of our trips and the fact we live in a large city surrounded by shops to stop if we really needed to.Speaking of driving in the car, she has taken to sitting in the back seat. She says it is because she is sensitive to the sun and the back windows are tinted darker (which they are). However, she never used to care. When I question her she says that it never bothered her before but it does now and that people's sensitivity can change over time. I told her it makes me feel like a chauffeur, but she doesn't care. When other people see us together they ask why she is sitting in the back and it makes me uncomfortable as if I won't let her sit up front with me. She used to always sit next to me so I don't understand what changed.Her sensitivity to the sun and temperatures manifests in other ways, too. She has put window film up on all of our windows and sealed some of them closed with tape (for the draft) so that they no longer open. We live in California where it is moderate temperatures all year round so all this do-it-yourself weatherstripping (which looks awful because she just scotch tapes film onto the windows) is unnecessary. She has umbrellas scattered all over the backyard. I don't mind a couple of umbrellas, but there are many of them and sun shelters, too, to the extent that it has killed the lawn in places because of lack of sun. It looks like a circus back there. This is new, too. She is very fair skinned so she has never been a sun worshipper, but all of these umbrellas and shade canopies and other clutter is relatively new. If we buy a canopy for her to sit under then she will complain about the sun creeping in and before long place another one next to it and then umbrellas next to those and that is how the yard gradually became filled with canopies and umbrellas. Think umbrellas next to umbrellas next to umbrellas. We built a patio with a roof to resolve that issue but she then put her umbrellas up outside the patio to block any stray light from getting in so we have a covered patio and in order to get inside of it one has to walk under umbrellas and then a shade canopy before even getting to the door of the patio. She has an obsession with coffee mugs. We have several cabinets full of these despite me never using any. I asked her why she needed 50 coffee mugs and she said she likes them. I asked her to store most of them away and just use her favorite 5 or 10 (and rotate) but she said she likes them all and she never knows which one she might fancy. It drives me crazy, because putting dishes away is like a puzzle in order to get them all to fit. She always collected coffee mugs, but having them all in the cabinet at once is a new behavior. It is taking space away from things we actually use more often like food which is stacked on the counters on the kitchen table in large piles which is another obsession. She buys large amounts of snacks to have on hand, picking at a few in a package, and then tossing the rest out because there are so many she can't keep track of them and they get stale or even if they aren't stale she will throw them out "just in case" because she doesn't want to get sick. This is wasteful clutter and she could keep track of her snacks (I rarely eat any) if she didn't have so much. We used to have a snack cabinet where she had a shelf, I had a shelf, and there was a shared shelf, but over the last few years I lost my ability to put anything in there entirely and now she has so many snacks they don't even fit in the cabinet anymore and they are piled all over the kitchen. She does this with yogurt and cold drinks in the fridge, too. She will buy yogurt even though she hasn't finished what she had and then she will lose track and it goes to waste because the older ones expire. She keeps lots of drinks cold at all times even though most of them don't need refrigeration because she says she is not sure what she might want to drink and so she needs to have a large variety on hand and available cold. I asked her to just choose 5 or 10 at a time and work through those, but she can't or won't and the fridge is always packed to the gills with yogurts and cold drinks such that if either of us needs to find something in particular like capers we need to move lots of items around and they sometimes fall out and onto the floor. This is ridiculous and it is also something that has happened over the last 5 years or so. I could go and on, but I think you can see the hoarding tendencies, the unreasonable cleanliness (and only for the things she cares about because for the most part the house is a mess), and just other unusual behaviors which she never used to have. I have told her I think she might have OCD and that she should get help, but that just makes her mad and she says I am just saying that to insult her. I am gradually losing my patience with her because not only is it impacting my lifestyle, but she doesn't seem to care that it bothers me. It is also costing us financially to be so wasteful with food for example or to be buying all of these duplicate items. I am not sure what to do, but tonight I told her I can't go on living like this anymore and I meant it. She has pretty much taken over the house and now she is fussing at me about how to do the dishes, how to do the laundry, how to cook foods I have been making for us for years, and how to do the other chores I take of like mop the floors, take out the trash, or even feed the cat! I told her I don't want or need her input as I have been doing these things for decades just fine without it, but now she has this compulsion to "correct" me if I do things the wrong way (which is quite simply not her way.) It is so bad I just want out of this marriage, because I just can't stand living with her anymore. It is like having a horrible roommate who is critical of everything I do but accepts no criticism. I know COVID has made things worse, but this started before COVID. Her behaviors have just gotten worse and worse and worse over the last 5-10 years and I don't understand what happened because it is like she is a totally different person than she used to be. Will things ever get better? What can I do to change things? How can I cope? I love her, but I just can't live with her anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2022): Whose idea is it to keep capers in the fridge? Things like that can go in an ordinary cupboard. Oh my.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2022): As a therapist of many years this is not ocd, it is someone who has become more aware of their place in the World and how illness can change it or destroy it. As for buying several of the same hat that is not unusual - people who like a hat may well want a few of the same hat in different colours, I know several people who do that and so do I. That might be down to having more spare cash now, or taking more interest in how they look, or realising that they rarely find a hat they like. To be honest your wife sounds very normal and I wonder how she copes with having you as her husband. You sound very picky and judgmental, and it is very easy for unknowledgeable people to suggest she gets mentally evaluated. Anyone who suggests that is totally ignoring how irritating and upsetting it is to the person. Many would get very angry. Now imagine how you would feel if your wife said to you that because of x, y and z you must be mentally evaluated. This statement is totally ignoring that she has feelings and needs and will rapidly go off a husband who suggests such a thing. It's the perfect thing to say to someone if you want to get a divorce and piss them off.
Not something you say if you want to make someone happy.
Lots of people grow and change as they age anyway.
We can change our habits and hobbies according to all sorts.
Therapists tend to deal with big things not minor thing. We don't train and study for the minor things - you should be able to work those out yourself without any help from us -
one of the things that stops people rushing to us with minor things is that it costs them too much money. They want our opinion and help but only if it is free.
Thank God we don't get people coming to us with such minor things!
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A
female
reader, RitaBrown  +, writes (20 September 2022):
Well, I kind of agree with the two other aunties in that she could do with a medical evaluation of some sort but it's nearly impossible to force someone to do this if they don't want to. Especially if they don't think they have a problem.
You can discuss this with your family doctor but he probably won't be able to do much about it either. At present she's not a danger to herself, nor is she a danger to other people. Her behaviours are not bothering the wider community you live in. The only casualty so far is you.
I suggest that you raise your concerns (sympathetically) with others close to her and see if they agree that she has changed behaviours. Does she have parents or siblings you could talk to? Perhaps she'd be more receptive to the idea of a psychiatric evaluation if the suggestion comes from someone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2022): It's time for her to seek a professional mental-health evaluation. You are losing patience, and the length of your post is a sign of frustration. If she refuses to seek professional help, then offer her an ultimatum. You decide what that should be, I will not make any suggestions about that.
Dear sir, perhaps you've given all the justifications you can muster to ease your guilt about wanting to divorce your wife. I mean, the quirks are numerous; but I think over the years you've developed a dislike for your wife. People usually just get used to the quirks; because love is flexible and adaptable. You're not consistently the same as you were 30 years ago; but people seldom self-evaluate, or access their own faults and flaws. This seems like a mental-health issue that could be corrected with proper therapy and treatment.
If you're tired of being married to her, and don't believe her seeking therapy will repair the marriage; then do what you think is best for you.
Everyone has quirks and flaws, and it's a matter of tolerance whether you can deal with them. Being forced to live with spouses and family during covid shutdown has made people weird; and less patient with each-other. Just to remind you, someday you will get old. You may develop incontinence. You may develop Alzheimer's, dementia, or Parkison's disease, or crippling arthritis. People who love you will have to adapt to these changes. I hope they will be able to love and support you when you're old and feeble; and develop all sorts of problems due to old-age or senility. Your wife may be the only one who will.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2022): Alzheimer's my friend. I know it bc my wife is the same but we are much older than you .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 September 2022):
 As someone who has OCD, this doesn't sound like OCD. It sounds like someone who is worried about the future. It makes me think more of Mild Alzheimer's Disease. But of course, I'm not diagnosing her here. The whole buying stuff and then having to toss it because it goes bad isn't an OCD trait.
"ome examples are that she always sprays the toilet with disinfectant after using it or after I use it. She never used to do that." Not OCD either. That sounds like a Covid thing. From what I have heard a lot of people are more worried about germs now. Plus, this one is not hurting anyone, is it?
You also mention that she cleans the inside of the dishwasher before running it. OK, why not just let her? If she feels it's necessary? Again, it doesn't hurt anyone.
Wanting to sit in the back might truly be due to light sensitivity. "In adults with dementia or Alzheimer's disease, the pupils take longer to adjust to light. " I wouldn't worry what other people might think about WHERE she sits in the car. It really doesn't matter. The light sensitivity might also explain all the garden umbrellas.
The whole food hoarding is costly, I can imagine. Do you guys make a shipping list when you go shopping or just buy things of "memory"? If not maybe try and make a list and stick to what is on the list. Get back to 1 shelf for snacks.
The mugs? That made me smile because my husband has a crap ton of mugs and I don't know where to fit them all. I have boxed up about 30 and they sit in the basement, guess what? he never noticed that some are gone. So maybe that is an option. I would do it when she isn't around. I bet she wouldn't notice if 10-20 got packed up.
When she fusses over how you do chores hand her the dish brush and tell her to go ahead - then walk away. SHE can do em. Same with other chores.
Has she had a medical check-up recently?
Mostly though, get her to go see a doctor for a check up. If you can talk to the doctor and bring up your concern.
Tell her HOW it makes you feel."It is like having a horrible roommate who is critical of everything I do but accepts no criticism. " You need to tell her to either take over the chores or STOP commenting on HOW you do them.
You have been with her for 30 years, people are bound to change and even develop "quirks" - I bet you have as well, you just notice HERS more. Doesn't mean you have to put up with all of them.
Are you both retired? Do you two get out and about? Do anything together? Part of her behavior might be due to the Covid lockdown and boredom.
Again, I'd make an appointment and talk to her doctor about your converns.
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