A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been friends with this guy for about a year, and for a lot of that time he's had a crush on me. We are both 20, and in college. We are good enough friends that the crush is "out in the open" and we have discussed it without too much awkwardness. Unfortunately I cannot reciprocate his feelings. I'm just not feeling it, for whatever reason, though he is a terrific guy and I enjoy his company and conversation a lot. In some ways I even think we would be theoretically great together - we have a lot in common, and get along very well - but in real life I can't make myself have any interest in dating him.He's been kinda-sorta trying to get me to go out with him for half a year. I've told him straight up that I don't see him as more than a friend, but that doesn't seem to deter him much. He constantly flirts and uses cheesy innuendo. I've told him it makes me kind of uncomfortable, and asked him to stop. He'll stop for a few days at most and then start right back up again. Lately he's been telling me that I might change my mind someday. He doesn't seem to get that continually bringing the matter up and trying to convince me to say yes is about the most counterproductive thing he could do. I wish he would just respect my "no" and my boundaries, but I don't know how to get him to do that without hurting him and/or damaging the friendship. The pestering/flirting is not bad enough to make me want to stop being around him, but it is putting a strain on the friendship, at least for me. On the other hand, I know how much an unrequited crush on a friend hurts, and I hate to make it even worse. :(Thank you for reading this... Any advice on what I could do here is much appreciated.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (31 December 2012):
 Wow, this guy is relentless.
In all honesty, if you two are that good of friends then he would respect your choice.
Don't coddle him on this. You need to set him down and be firm. Tell him he is too far in the friendzone, and that you are NOT going to change your mind. You do not see him in that way whatsoever. He needs to stop with the desperate passes, it's bothersome and pathetic. From now on, if he still refuses to accept your friendship, then you two no longer need to be friends.
I mean it's not like you two are childhood friends, this is someone that you met in college and may not keep in contact with when you graduate.
A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe  +, writes (31 December 2012):
 The answer to this in some regaerds depends on how desperate you are to keep the friendship alive. If you feel you can afford to lose it then So Very's answer is the right one. However, if you really want to keep it then this is not the way ago.
Let's start with what you cant do. You cant change how he feels. You cant change him seeing what he wants to see (ie, the idea that one day you may change his mind). Depending on how he is as a person direct assaults are unlikely to work. I am more in your friends position with somebody else and one of the key mistakes she makes (shes a different person though) is to be stubborn with me. A stubborn stand provokes me into reciprocating the stubbornness she shows and then naturally a fight ensues - that is because I am a stubborn person.
What she, and perhaps you, should consider is that to achieve the end you want you need to box much cleaver and be more manipulative. Your friend is crushing on you because he both needs and wants something that you dont feel able to give him. The sensible approach is therefore to help him find that with somebody who does feel able to do what you cant. Obviously, if you do this obviously it wont work, he will spot your ruse a mile off, but if your cleaver about it then you could maneuver him into a position where all this stops, it just takes time and smarts, good luck :)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 December 2012):
 he is only friends with you because he hopes you will be more than friends with him.
he can't respect your boundaries because he does not like them....
the best thing to do for him (and it will hurt you too) is to tell him that if he can't stop it you will have to end the friendship.
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