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female
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*atflap1
writes:Mod note: OP'S own title:My partner gets very down and can be very nasty about simple things. I mentioned that I would like to take my son, 12, camping for a couple of nights. He started telling us off and saying how ridiculous this was and how we couldn’t afford it. My son reminded him of one of the trips he went on abroad on his own and told him not to be horrible to me. He flew off the handle and said he might leave us. He told my son that if he didn’t do more work in the house and didn’t stop ganging up against him he would leave and it would be his fault. Since he vented his spleen he seems to feel better and it is as though nothing has happened. This chap has a good heart, hard though that is to believe, but he suffers from very bad depression. He won’t get help with it. Any tips or thoughts? I think I need to get him thinking more about this – I don’t think he really understands what he is saying.
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reader, werther  +, writes (30 July 2010):
the last thing you wrote sounds really good to me, your boundaries and what you feel is good for the Team.
and also ask your son now, he might be old enough to be able to say what he needs!
make all apart of the team and get all involved in the continued survival and prosperity( using my fancy words)
of the team / family, also you might have to lead this but it can evolve into you always staring and following thru, that kinda not super good in the long run ,you need to be able to know that he also has the relationships/teams best intrst at heart and will step up if you need to" not lead "( i wrote "rest" first but that assumes that you will soon again captain the ship)
the dynamics of a family gets a bit twisted if there is one strong leader who enforces everything, and everyone else does what they are told...
lots of love
A
female
reader, Catflap1 +, writes (30 July 2010):
Catflap1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOur relationship has spanned 5 years and I have been through heavy times with him such as his divorce when he was suicidal. I am going to get my son helping more and I am also going to ask him to be specific about what success in this situation looks like. For example, if my son improves will that be enough, bearing in mind that he is likely to take a step backward sometimes.
He does have a point about my boy who can be lazy and who has troubles with friendships with other children. I am probably over-protective of him because he has had hard times too. But I am concerned that something else will replace my son as a problem, such as work, or the house being tidy, or something else, as has happened before.
He is over-reliant upon his elderly parents who are also quite closed-in and critical about some things.
He tends to look at things through dark glasses and sees the negative. When a lot of pressures build up for him he focusses on me and my failings, or my son. He has not been taking care of his depression and that, I feel is something he needs to take responsibility for.
It isn’t fair to make other people wholly responsible for his bad feelings and not healthy to be unable to see the part he plays. If he isn’t careful he will dismantle his own life and I know he needs our physical and emotional support. I know for a fact that if he leaves he will regret it bitterly because he loves us both. He can’t bear his situation but will look back and see when it is too late that the vast majority of what he received from us was very good. I fear the same happened with his ex wife, who he blamed for making him unhappy, I think now it was the depression and he alienated her by being critical and nasty. It is easy to find fault with other people and he has lost the ability to see me as a whole person with all my positive qualities and instead focuses on problems until they become everything to him.
The deal I will cut is that I will clarify what improvement is and I will say that if despite seeing moves towards this more complaints keep coming I will have to discuss what our future will be. I will also draw the line by saying that if we are unable to address our problems supportively as a team, I will be unable to accept it. Then I will move forward lovingly and hope it works this time......
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A
male
reader, model101_t800  +, writes (29 July 2010):
 Hi, try to get some counseling for him. A good tactic would be to go for counseling for yourself first and then invite him in. Hope it works out for you.
I pray that everything works out well for you and your husband.
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A
male
reader, werther +, writes (29 July 2010):
wow, thats a tough cookie, i would have a hard time not replying to him with something like: don´t say that to my son...
or
camping can infact be quite inexpensive....
does this happen often?
how long is the relationship?
tell your son ( you probably did) that if your partner wants to leave its your partners choice, not your sons fault
it seems like your partner wants confirmation/attention and is Defensive as a starting point ?
ask what he needs!
tell him that you want/need time with your son alone if thats the case!
it´s an issue that will remain if not undealt with , how to get him to want or see that he needs help is tricky, maybe ask if he felt ok with the situation?
all the best
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