A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 36 year old man. I Have no confidence when it comes to chatting to ladies. People always tell me to just be myself but that seems to me like i am not good enough. Any advice would be very appreciated.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (3 January 2014):
All I can tell you is whatever the reason is for your lack of self confidence, you need to get it fixed right quick if you want any chance w the ladies.
Men are visual creatures, we're typically most attracted to physical appearance. Women are different, and IMO what they are most attracted to is confidence. (Really arrogance, but that's a discussion for a different time.) More than looks, more than money, more than anything.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (31 December 2013):
 Be yourself? No dont. Tweak ur personality a bit. Meaning: adapt. For me chatting with women n attracting is easy but its done consciously not naturally. I think about everything from body language to words when with a lady. This doesnt create anxiety it builds confidence. Women like a calm cool n slightly tough guy n humorous. Gain those skills n the rest is easier. Read books. Talk to men who r great at attracting naturally. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): Are you afraid of rejection, or are you afraid of women?
Maybe both?
Maybe you have a body dysmorphic disorder that distorts your perception of how you may appear to others?
Guys like you who write these posts are invisible to the aunts and uncles. You could never really put your whole problem in written words. So I'll put myself in your shoes and I'll take it from there. So here we go.
Maybe you're just a little gun-shy from being teased for a few of your odd quirks as you grew up; and it shook you to core as a person. Teenagers can be extremely cruel, and don't realize how painful bullying and teasing is; until it boomerangs back. They cause permanent damage all for a laugh.
They can be monsters. Yet, they are still just children. You have to fault the morons who spawn and rear them. They make people become like you. Introverted and shy. Limited in your ability to approach people, make friends; or find a mate.
Oh, I'm not letting you off the hook for shyness. If you can't control it as an adult; then it is a emotional disorder that requires professional treatment. Otherwise; it's cowardice. Women can be mean too; but usually with a reason. Sometimes you have to show them you can take a punch and roll with it. There are always prettier nicer ladies, if they don't find you attractive.
I guarantee there is someone who will.
That all depends on you. You can falsely believe every future attempt to connect with a woman will fail; because of a few botched or messy attempts.
Seriously!? If only geeks, gamers, and super shy men were as dedicated to interacting with people; as interfacing with computer games and gadgets.
Ladies test you to see if you're a weakling or a creep; or can father strong, intelligent, and healthy offspring. Nature wired them that way. Not their fault. They may have to be locked in a room with you. So they want to be sure it's safe.
Eventually, you will/or have to resort to technological devices for solace and a hiding place. A go between or conduit for connecting to other people. Only to lose all your natural ability to interact and communicate in-person. Face to face. Any of this ring true?
To gain confidence you have to have exposure and spend time around the ladies. No one can tell you how to talk, what to say, or how to present yourself. That is dictated by your own level of charm, and personality.
You have to practice. That takes courage. You have to keep trying even if you fail a few times.
Sir, if you are an awkward sort; or maybe you don't pay particular care to your style and grooming. Women may not take notice of you, or find you unattractive for that.
If you look good, you feel good. You'll have some level of confidence.
They are repulsed by messy smelly unkempt men; and guys who have an abrupt or nervous approach. If this is your problem. Then you must work on that first.
Get your hair cut by a stylist and pay special attention to the style of your clothing (i.e. 80's-90's,or contemporary).
Dress appropriate for the season. Be neat and clean. Keep facial hair well-cropped, or have a clean-shaven face. Wear stylishly-framed glasses. If they're all over 10 years old. Time for an update.
Ugly or not so attractive men have to work a little harder.
If you look like a serial-killer, or scare little children;
a makeover is absolutely essential. Some guys are so homely they get tough breaks. So charm and personality is your greatest asset. Confidence makes you more appealing. You still have to look good. That means comfortably and nicely dressed. That speaks of your taste, style, and self-esteem.
You must be healthy looking and fit. Sloppy and fat is just telling ladies how greedy and unhealthy you are. Worse is yet to come; just wait until you take your clothes off.
Sound superficial? You're single. It takes work to find a mate. That's the breaks.
I may as well be honest and straight forward about this.
Women have eyes and do care what they're looking at.
If a lady still finds you attractive apart from your looks; they'll usually initiate the conversation and make the first move. They encourage you to relax and will be sweet and reassuring by being very friendly. If you can't relax and comply, then why should they bother? Careful though,
ladies on street corners are nice for a price.
Don't go clambering up to a beauty-queen with a goofy grin and expect her to be nice out of pity; and to show how tolerant she is. It ain't gonna happen.
Don't approach a gaggle of bitchy women sitting together at a club. They try to show each other how mean they can be and how much they don't need a man. They take shots at your ego and tear at your flesh like vicious dogs. They usually are. No loss there. If they're pretty and act like that;
they're psychos, and guys usually avoid them anyway.
If you're good-looking and relatively sweet; awkwardness is often considered charming by women. They will be more accommodating, all you have to do is not shy away when they allow you to approach. Initiate a conversation to show a molecule of interest. Mixed signals infuriate women. I can speak for gay men like me, as well!
It is absolutely frustrating for people to deal with shy people; who still want attention. How are they supposed to get to know you? How will you draw their focus to you, out of a room full of other men? YOU HAVE TO WORK FOR IT!!!!!!
Don't approach ladies if you're disheveled, or grimy from
work or chores; unless you're super muscular, and have eight-pack abs. They will repel you! They have no choice.
They will excuse or dismiss physical flaws; as long as they are compensated for by something more important. That's one of the things that make them such wonderful creatures. They can overlook physical disabilities and even some minor physical abnormalities that men can't. They see beneath the surface. As long as there is something there, and you know how to show it.
Gaining confidence takes courage and determination. You make up your mind that you're not going to let being shot-down mean you're not attractive to anyone else.
You will not let your confidence be shaken by crap running through your mind. Base your reaction on reality.
What happens after you try. Not before.
You will take rejection to mean; only that particular lady is not interested. You will be polite and look your best when you want to approach a woman. You will try and try again, until you succeed. That's how confidence is gained, my good fellow!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 Don't you just hate that phrase "be yourself"? It makes absolutely no sense at all. You can be yourself around close friends and family. But perfect strangers? Oh no, this is where people skills and social antennas come into play, and they have nothing at all to do with your personality.
There's a social construct of how to behave, what to talk about, how to carry yourself, what to wear, how to look at others, for how long and where to look at them, how to smile, when to smile etc. The list goes on and on and on. I had absolutely no social training when I was a young teenager, I spent my childhood and early teens just observing. I couldn't get my head around how people made friends even, it seemed incredibly challenging. A very fine balance between being personal and impersonal.
I still haven't mastered the art of socializing, but practice does make perfect when it comes to this. I've made a complete fool out of myself many a times. I've made myself look like an ass hat, an idiot, a loser, a wanna be, a desperate person, you name it. It's been an embarrassing ride, but I've picked up a few skills and voila... Now at least I handle the art of flirting quite well. Making friends, well, it still takes quite the amount of thinking and careful maneuvering. But I am getting there.
The "try and fail" piece of advice probably doesn't sound any better to you than the "be yourself", but it works a lot better. Don't be yourself. Be charming. Be interesting. Be challenging. Be interested in the person you are talking to. Be educated, so that you can carry a conversation. You don't have to go to university, but read the newspaper everyday so that you always have handy small talk conversation topic ready. And then read up about different topics that interest you, so that you can lead the conversation on to those topics. I have found that nothing fascinates a person as much as someone with passion and knowledge.
The art of seduction is different from just chatting, and I could give you some pointers there too, but it really does come down to practice. Trying and failing. You need to find your strong side, what you are particularly good at. Never mind what everyone else does, you need to find what works for you. Observe what others do, try it, fail, improve the technique or abandon it completely.
For example, I tried the chatting up with a cheesy pick up line. Does NOT work. Asking a man about his car on the other hand... oooh, works great. I figure complimenting a woman on her hair or clothes would do the same trick, but again.. you need to just try and fail and see what works for you.
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A
female
reader, StarryEyes101 +, writes (30 December 2013):
 I have this problem also. I guess you just have to wing it! Sometimes women sense shyness and they'll back off but you just need to smile. Talk to them like you would a friend. As if you've known them your whole life. If they haven't got the time for you when you give it your best shot then they don't deserve you! Have any female friends you can practise on? Women are not that scary ya know. Good luck :) x
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (30 December 2013):
Dear OP,
"Just be yourself" is a difficult advice to follow. Because you are always yourself, anyway, technically speaking.
I think what others are trying to tell you is that they like you and they want to let you know. They want to encourage you not to think too hard about what to say or do, because the things that will come to your mind will be all right.
I suppose that maybe you feel uncomfortable with ladies because you expect yourself to take all the responsibility for making the contact a positive one. But no matter how "good" you are, you only make up 50% of a date, love or a relationship. So if an evening turns out to be fun it's not 100% your responsibility, only 50% and you shouldn't blame yourself if something went wrong, that's not your full responsibility neither. Even the most self-confident gentleman on this earth can have a shitty date if the woman is just in a really bad mood or still in love with their ex.
If your self-confidence is chronically low, do something to enhance it! What would make YOU feel proud of yourself? What goals would you like to achieve? What fears would you like to overcome? I feel more self-confident whenever I prove something to myself, whenever I show myself I can do something of which I didn't know before. For instance, I went traveling all alone this summer, which was really scary to me at first. And I didn't even enjoy it much of the time. But in the end, I proved to myself I can survive all alone for a few days, I can explore the world without my friends holding the map for me or choosing where to stay.
Some people also have low self-confidence because they constantly set goals that are unrealistic and too demanding. Wanting to be perfect parents while working a full-time job, moving up in the career ladder and still be close friends with everyone from high-school, besides still working out three times a week. I mean, no wonder these people never feel good enough.
To sum it up, find the source of your low self-confidence. If it's only low when you are with ladies, then explore your history.. did you make painful experiences with women? See, this is in the past, not all women are the same and you also changed from back then when that happened. Get back in contact with women, in a non-dating environment. For instance (I always recommend it) dance classes is a good way to interact with women inside a set of rules and not having to ask them out or anything. Just getting used to being around women and how to talk to them.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (30 December 2013):
 Well depending on the lady some like nice guys so like bad boys. I like a genuine mixture of both to settle for it I had to choose. Its best to be yourself most women have a sensory of intuition and are able to read you before you say anything. I know its best to be yourself cause if you continue to be yourself and not acting cause in the long run the real you will come out and it may not be who she met at first. I would also recommend body language it works eye contact posture being direct and square when talking to someone makes a difference. Also to add smiling helps always and speaking clearly and direct not bullying or dogging helps too.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (30 December 2013):
If you keep telling yourself your are not good enough, you will start to believe it. Then your body will show it, and other will see it, and stay away.
Confidence starts in the mind, and ends there as well. Treat people they way you want to be treated, smile at everyone. Hold doors open for others, be kind always.
Sometimes the woman you meet is not the one you say hi to, it's the one who see you as a gentleman, kind, and smiling. She thinks, hmm, he seems really nice. Then she may say hi, and there you go. (Don't be fake about being a gentleman just to meet a woman.)
Control your mind, do not let it control you.
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