A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I definitely need some guidance and advice! My first love from when i was 13 we were on and off until 3 years ago when I met my fiance (I am now 23). We always talked secretly throughout the years when we were with other people, or when he had a girlfriend and I was single we would meet up and just talk for hours. He was always willing to leave whom ever he was with to be with me, but for some reason I never accepted, I loved him more then anything and our connection ran so deep that I didnt want to ruien that. Since I knew he was cheating on or willing to cheat on any girlfriend he ever had with me, I was scared that would happen to me also if we dated.. So I kept things they way they were since they were so good I would not risk ruiening that. Part of my current issue is that I feel I had a deeper connection with him then even my current fiance. The feelings are not comparable though I hate to admit that. Fast heart, weak in the knees, loss of words, dry mouth but he was more of the bad boy, he was always willing to cheat on his girlfriends with me and I didnt like that.. I never cheated for him, I felt guilty enough taking to him and meeting up while I was in relationships in the past but yet I still couldnt resist him as hes always had a huge part of my heart.. Since I met my fiance 3 years ago my first love and I havent had any contact, about a year after dating my fiance a friend of mine who works with my first love told me he had been begging her to tell me he wanted to talk to me, which I resisted. My fiance even worked with him and he would say things to my fiance like "So how is she, tell her I said hey, tell her to add me to facebook" and it made my fiance SOOO mad, so I knew I could never have contact with him as it would hurt him to much. But at the same time it killed me because I wanted to talk to him, I didnt want to hurt him and have him think i was ignoring him. Non the less I stayed true to my fiance and did not make contact with my first love. I am now getting married in 4 months and I have been getting cold feet, when just the other day my friend tells me that my first love got his girlfriend pregnant and there having a baby... it felt like my heart stopped, I admit.. i was crushed like a ton of bricks hit me.. and since then I havent been able to get him out of my head, I can barely sleep.. I dont want to feel this way, im getting married to am amazing man in 4 months who worships the ground I walk on, I almost feel guilty though I have done nothing wrong. I really dont know what to do. Part of me wishes I could somehow contact him just for ONE last conversation with him, because I love him so much and I know he feels the same way.. But we are like each others personal brand of drug, and once we talk once and see each other we cant seem to stop. Im surprised the no contact on my end has lasted 3 years, but it has not been easy. Sometimes I wonder if he was the person I am suposed to be with, but I know deep down hes not right for me.. hes amazing to me, but in all reality hes the "bad guy" i know he only ever cheated on his girlfriends with me, but if he did it for me theres no saying he wouldnt do it to me..Our conection runs so deep i dont think he would but I wouldnt want to chance it. I know its best to move on with the stable man who will always be good to me, and keep my good memory of my true love the way it is. But I guess its just hard because not only was I getting cold feet about a forever long commitment, hearing that he is doing the same AND having a baby really made it feel to me that it was over.. our connection, our conversations, the poems he would wright me.. all gone. I dont know what to do, Im trying to think and thoughts of him just seem to cloud my vision! What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): That really suck doesn't it. Although there are many people who are compatible with you..but only few that you can have such deep connection with. It is hard to even meet one in the first place, and after meeting such a person it has to be in the right time in life in order to make it work. I think what to do really depends on our values. If you are the freedom-loving type than go for your first love, you only live once and will die with or without your fiance. But if you are the responsiblity/morality over-ridden type then stay with your fiance, it will save you lots of mental work.
Good luck
A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (29 May 2009):
 Well if you recognize it for what it is, I cannot condemn you for that. And as long as you are Committed in the end to your fiance then as long as you haven't done anything to jeopardize your relationship then it will justify the means of how you got there.
Just make sure you do everything you can everyday to strengthen your marriage once it takes place, and you will be very successful.
Best of luck and please update us when you deem it appropriate
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy fiance is an amazing man, he does all the little things that count, hes so sweet and loving and he would do anything for me. I would never hurt him. He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with because he and I mesh together so well, we are an amazing couple and we get along so well! My first love, I could never picture myself with.. he is simply the "bad boy" type and ultimatly I know that in order to have a long and happy life with my soon to be husband I need to forget about my first love. I just dont get why hearing that news about him hit me so hard.. I am going to assume it was because I was already getting cold feet, and I do have a long history with him.. If I was going to vow to be single forever, my first love would be in my life until I died, but without commitment. But I know that I am only 23 I need to somewhat grow up and realize that thats not logical, the man I have now loves me and I love him and we will have a very happy marriage.. I just need to get my first love out of my head. I have always had a really tough time with letting go of things, and this by far has been one of the hardest.. my first love and I have held on to each other since we were 13 without ever really being committed to each other.. its time we both grow up and realize we cannot be together. Its just tough.. I hope you all understand what i am saying.. I DO LOVE my fiance and want to marry him and spend forever with him, im just having a tough time letting go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): you have been given excellent advise but i want to share something with you, so please hear my message. i hope it makes sense.
why don't you postpone your wedding. what do you have to lose. perhaps only some sleepless nights worrying, thats all. rather be dead sure, than just a maybe with your fiance. while you take stock of your life, please read my situation.
so many people characterise love as wild, heart thumping, butterflies, weak in the knees. love can also be QUIET, still, the little something that makes us smile. the quiteness that keeps us sane. people expect the concept of love to only be the former mentioned. but do not lose sight of what i mentioned in the latter. take my hb for example - he is somewhat quiet by nature, man of few words, does he LOVE me. yes, totally. is it deep, yes. is it "quiet", Yes. does it mean that his love is not powerful, NO.
we all experience love differently. instead of hubby sometimes buying flowers for me, he wakes up early and cuts the red roses from our garden and brings it to bed. this gesture makes me LOVE him even more, appreciate him. sometimes it is the SIMPLE, QUIET things that makes our lives worth while. is my hb stable, yES. our sex life, good (could be better, married for almost 18 yrs, but it has improved drastically after reading the many "sex" tips here. boy, is he surprised! thanks everyone). just because my hb is not the wild bad boy, does it make his love for me any less. NO.
WHAT i am trying to say in this long winded way is this - our men don't have to be bad boys to be loved by us. it is sometimes the quietness of the moment, the tender rose moment, the making me black tea in the morning/ night or just telling my friends he doesn't need an electric blanket (since his wife is his electric blanket) makes me glow. yes i get frustrated with him, want to murder him sometimes for being thoughtless but we gel together. it is right. it feels right. he still holds my hand when we go shopping. he (most of the times) opens the doors for me, he saves a coconut biscuit for me (my favourite, is he perfect, NO. but we are PERFECT together.
maybe you and your fiance too may be stable, quiet, dependable. is this boring, stale. too predictable. No. its what sits right in you. your fiance sounds "decent". perhaps taking a few months extra may help you realise just what a gem you have. i hear women complain all the time. they want what we perhaps got. this good soul men in OUR lives. these not so perfect, not so wild, good men. the bad boy antics went off a long time ago. i think when we are younger we are sttracted to the bad boy type, but as we mature we want so much more. i think you have outgrown your ex but this baby thing may just give you closure. your obsessing about the ex is hurting you so much. you deserve so much better. and i think you know it.
i read so much about people trying to justify being IN love and just loving. to me these two are so intertwined, it is almost one. why make so much of drama of these concepts. we try to seperate these two concepts to explain away our indescretions, our falseness. but if we just take time out to understand love, the drama all fades away.
good luck. if you decide to make a decision regaring your wedding and fiance please let us know. please also know this- its ok to just be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replys... In reference to 'GrimmReality', I understand completely that marriage is a vow and I love my fiance. I had many chances in the past to contact my first love and possibly have that lead to other things, but instead I cut off that contact to remain true to my fiance. Up until now I hadnt given much thought towards my first love, is it not just a simple case of cold feet and then the next day hearing that hes getting married and having a baby? I just want to know how I go about dealing with it.. as Clara commented it is always hard to hear those things about people in your past that you have loved, this expecially hit me harder since i started getting cold feet the day before.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx  +, writes (29 May 2009):
 You seem like you have got this problem sorted, you just don't know it. You know that this man is bad, and he would be a bad husband/boyfriend. This is just a case of cold feet so continue with the wedding to get past this phase of wanting to talk to him! No good will come out of it! Forget him! X
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (29 May 2009):
Simple!
DONT GET MARRIED!
Young Lady,
The fact that this old flame has given you cold feet is unfair to your fiance. And you and I know that if you contact this guy again while you are engaged, that you are going to make things worse.
I am afraid that you are not ready to be married, so do your fiance a favor and break the engagement and cancel the wedding. He deserves to know the person he is about to be walking down the aisle with is not fully committed to him. And you are not!
I am sorry to sound harsh, but you have to understand that marriage is a VOW. And you are not at a maturity level to be able to live up to those vows at this time. Please don't get married, because I already see you coming back here 6 months from now saying you have made a "Mistake".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): I can't tell you what to do, only you know, but this is my opinion. I don't think you should marry your fiance, if you do fine, but you do not love him enough and it is unfair to him because your heart lies with someone else. You should never be with someone because they are 'stable' but because of the way they make you feel, butterflies in the stomach etc. but your ex has moved on. He is having a baby and you cannot ruin that. Does he love you back? Honeslty, or has he moved on? Your first love is always hard to get over because you learn so much about relationships from them, you learn the importance and what it takes for them to stay together. Do not call him for one last time unless you want to be with him. It's either tell him all or none at all-but he's moved on and as much as you want him, he can't be yours. He's the badboy type and yes they are exhillirating and make you light headed but you need someone who is going to make you feel that way without the ifs that he might cheat on you. Don't think this applies to your fiance because he is stable and sweet-you need to be really sure with what you are doing with your life because it will affect other people. If you love your fiance, you would be able to forget about your ex.
Think it all through and I hope this helps. If not repost and I'll try again.
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A
female
reader, summer86 +, writes (29 May 2009):
You are not ready to get married. A husband deserves to have his wife's whole heart.
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