A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and i are newly married for a year. I just know that he has a very bad personality and character. He lied a lot before since i know him but i brushed it off just because i love him.Now we are married i just know that he has gambling problem. He has huge debt and he seems not responsible with what he caused us. At first, he keeps begging me to lend him money for expanding his business, he lends from his parent too. But lately he ask money from me and when i ask him to borrow from his parent he said he just want to be independent and dont cling on his parent anymore. Lately when i have a talk with his parent i just know he owe much of their money before and never return it. It just like he is needing more and more money without a clear purpose where the money goes. Our relationship connection isnt in a very good term. He is outside of the house very often and just at home for sleep. We are still living in his parent house and his parent keep demanding he spend more time at home. He doesnt have respect for us. We are worrying what he did outside. He changed a lot thats what we know. He has huge drive to succeed but he wants to get it instantly. Last week he treated me differently. Sweet and caring. I know he wants and need something from me and im right. He wants to borrow money from me. Im pregnant 7 months right now and never he shows me any concern about my pregnancy beside bringing me to doctor appointments. He is verbally abusive towards me often when he isnt feeling good and now he suddenly change. I know something is up to.. he keep urging me to borrow him money and said desperate things like i need to take care of myself in case he disappear from the world. The next day he steal money from his parent and his parent caught him. Its recorded on our cctv. When they asked him why he did it he said he need money for paying gambling debt. Oh my god..He is sneaky with his phone. He brings it all the time. He also very tricky in lying. He manipulates me to borrow him money and promised things that he knows crucial for me ( i want to live on our own and move out soon since ive got my own house and he wants it too. He said he want us to spend more time together which he knows thats what i want). I sense that something wrong months ago because his appearance change and when i want to accompany him he refuse. He also never initiate sex anymore and seems not interested in me sexually and use my pregnancy as an excuse but i often caught him masturbating secretly. He can masturbate when we sleep beside each other. He did it when he thinks im sleeping and covering it with our blanket. He always deny it everytime i asked. He also has woman contacts on his phone. When i asked him who they are he said its his friends girlfriend. Im hurt by his action.We are now in good term just because he is caught red handed gambling and in huge debt by his parent and me. He needs us to pay for his debt. He rely on us to solve the problem he caused. He is more relax now since we know about his debt and seems to wash his hands from his debt. He is very selfish and irresponsible. I asked him what his plan for our future and he says he doesnt know. All he wants is debt free. He seems doesnt seriously commited to me. He even said i can go back to my family if i choose to. He cant make me happy he says. I dont know what should i do. Our son will be born in 2 months and he is very irresponsible and selfish. I dont know what should i do really. How can i make him more responsible and mature? He wants me to help his parent while he doesnt want to do it. He enjoys going outside with an alibi to manage his business while actually he goes out to meet his friends. His business has its management and not needing him to be present all the time. Now we live in debt and his priority is debt free. So any income from his business he allocate it to pay for his debt. We still need money to prepeare for our son but he doesnt worry about it because he thinks he can rely on his parent. Actually they are very disappointed with him. They dont trust him anymore and so do i. He betrayed us. He bites the hand who feeds him. We dont know why he changed so drastically. Its just so unlike him. He is playing game all the time and when i say i want to eat outside he says he got no money but he secretly smoking. He always deny all my suspicion that all becomes true. What do you think is happening?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 August 2018):
 Sweetie you must be very unhappy as you have wrote to us a lot! Everyone keeps telling you to leave him time and time again but off course that is your choice! I know it is hard but he does not love you, if he did he would not treat you like this. He has lost his feelings for you, he is happier away from you out playing games and getting happy endings! I know it is not fair on you, especially since you are pregnant. His mother also is not a huge fan off you, she never has been, she just wants you to stick with him because she wants someone to help her son. But sweetie you cannot help him, nobody can! The only person that can help him is himself and he is not doing that! If having A child does not not make him get help then nothing ever will. You should be honest with your parents, tell them how he is treating you and move back home. Once he has lost everything then he might start getting the help he needs. It sounds like he does not want to be with you anymore. He does not treat you like a husband should, and I am pretty sure he is out cheating on you and living a single life! Do you really want your baby growing up thinking that is an okay way to treat a woman? I know you love him and the first four years where good, but he simply does not love you anymore and you are wasting your time being with him and giving him money. You should be saving that money for your baby. I think you know deep down you need to leave but you are scared. Please go home and be with your parents, tell them he is abusive. You and the baby are much better away from him.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (22 August 2018):
 What do you love? I cant see it.
Your update made him sound like even more of an asshole than first thought. He lies, there’s no affection, no sex, huge debts, gambling addiction, possible cheating. Why are you staying? Do you think this is the best you can get from life? He’s a loser, there’s no two ways about it, he’s an absolute bum. How are you planning to pay for your babies needs when the jackass husband is gambling it all away? What future are you hoping to build with no money?
Surely you think you can do better than this guy? If he wanted to change he would do it for HIMSELF, not anyone else. This is who he is now, a lying, sneaky man and the longer you stay with him the worse it’s going to get. Not only all this but he’s threatened physical violence and you’re STILL STAYING? use your brain. Stop wondering why he’s changed and what you can do to get him ‘back’. There is nothing! Why does he treat you this way you ask? YOU TOLD US! He DOESNT love you anymore. Get that into your head and leave the guy. You’re the one that has to put up with this day in day out, the rest of us on this website will sleep soundly at night whether you stay with him or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2018): Cindy,i know i should leave him actually. But right until now i still love him and wish he can changes someday. I admit that im not telling all the truth to my family about his treatment toward me. Once on the heat of arguement he told me to leave him alone and threaten me if he needs to hurt me physically so that i obey him. I know he doesnt love me anymore and also trying to avoid responsibility like spending time with me and doing his duty as my husband. He always says he is broken and got no money when actually he gambles away his money. Like today, i asked him to bring me to buy prenatal medicine and he says we just go tomorrow because his customer is paying him tomorrow. When i checked his browsing history he is gambling when im away today. When he said he just finished working. I dont trust him anymore. But i still love him and sometimes feel pity on him. Why he is so selfish and never think of me? He should feel more responsible as a man because he is going to be a father. He is not used to be like this. We have been together for 8 years before and in the beginning of our relationship like 4 years he was very considerate person. When we are going to cinema and watch movie that end after 11 o clock he will always inform his family he will going home late and ask me have i inform my family? Now he never inform anything to his family. Let alone where his whereabout. He likes to lie about his whereabout and who he is with. He used to think of my wellbeing but since the last years of our courtship before marriage he changed. At first i dont take that seriously. He became manipulative and verbally abusive toward me. But sometimes he is very sweet. Now as we married i know that he lies a lot to me. Many that i dont know what he did before we married. He has social circle of friends that i dont know. He lead double life. And worse he is good at hiding things. He will deny all my question about him. If there is evidence he will give me excuses that sometimes irrational but i cant confront him more as he takes it like im accusing him. He promised me to be open about his financial statement. He says i can check his billing on his email but when i check it the email is empty or the other email he has tranfered money to woman (says he help his friends transfering to her sister and he show me the money that girl transfer to him) and his business partner. I guess he is more open to me now as he shows me his email and tell me about his gambling problem. He said he lose hopes on life as he is being urge to pay the debts that he cant payback. He is dealing with mafia and he is now depressed. He always plays games whenever he has time. Its really annoying as he become not attach to reality to escape the truth. On the other hand,I think he doesnt need me as a wife or partner of his life as he is too independent and doesnt let me involve in his life. He doesnt appreciate if i cook for him and say i dont need to. He likes to go out alone without informing anyone including me and when i call him asking where he is, he will get annoyed like im controlling him. He also doesnt need me as his sex partner. He said its because im pregnant and it involved feeling to have sex while he can masturbate with porn? Sometimes he masturbate silently lying beside me while he thinks im sleeping. He is so weird. Do the changes in him now is due to the stress from gambling debt or he is just very selfish and ignorant? He knows his parent will help him clear the debts and from what i see he is making himself being pity by others. He said to me its just a matter of time the collector will get impatient and kill him or do something bad to him. I dont think he really worry about the debts. He secretly smokes and playing games all the time. Even masturbate almost every night to sleep behind my back. His parent urging him to help them and he is not really want to help in my opinion but do it as a duty because whenever he has time he used it for gaming. Can people likde this be cured and back to he used to be? I miss the old him. Who loves and caring affectionate towards me. He now has many woman that i dont know who they are and he always has explanation and excuses about who they are. I dont trust him anymore but i wish he changed
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 August 2018):
This isn’t a man. You’re dealing with a child that feels like he can do whatever he wants without consequence.
If he lies before marriage then why would you think after would be any different? Where’s your common sense? You knew he gambled, couldn’t be trusted and didn’t respect you when you were dating but you went ahead and married the guy anyways. I’m really not sure what you were expecting to change?
The obvious option is to leave. Why would you stay in a situation like this? Just because you’re going to have a child together doesn’t mean you need to be in a relationship. What can you love about him? He abuses you, takes your money, lies, gambles and treats you like crap. I’m struggling to see what you get out of this marriage.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 August 2018):
 His mother says this, his mother says that… and ? It never seemed to me that you had high esteem and consideration for your mother-in-law, if any you have been so far extremely critical of anything she says , thinks or does; NOW you want to start taking what she says as pearls of wisdom ?!
It's natural that she says it's all your fault, she wants someone to blame for her son's reckless behaviour, and you make a very convenient scapegoat. OTH, you did exactly the same. I remember in a previous post you justified your husband's irresponsible, capricious conduct with the fact that his mother is cold and never gave him enough love.
It does not work this way. It's all on him. If he lies , cheats, steals, and gambles is because he choses to lie , cheat, steal and gamble. How his mother treated him or how you treated him might perhaps ( perhaps ) be a partial explanation of his actions, never a justification. There must be millions of people with controlling mothers and / or nagging wives, but only a small fraction of them turns out to be thieves .
Anyway, it's not even true. He did not " change " after the wedding. I remember very well that he already had been caught stealing from his parents, or at least squandering for leisure, money that they had given him to invest in his business; that was before you got married. He was already like this, you just chose to ignore the red flags.
You find yourself caught between two mentalities, two life visions, two different worlds. The traditional, patriarchal one where, with marriage, you've made your bed and now you lie in it; if your husband is a scoundrel , you sink with him ; you accept your " destiny " - and the contemporary mindset which says : Total bullshit. Destiny, my foot. That's what they have invented divorce for, - to correct the mistakes one may have made getting married. After all , as you remark, if you have to shell out your money and being the sole finnacial responsible for everything, at least you'd want to be free to live where you want to live, and you'd want to be treated decently by the people around you. Why paying good money for shoddy treatment.
I understand that you are in a quandary and that for us it's easy to say " just dump him ", because we do not have to contend with the weight of tradition, the expectations of your society, the negative judgements of your peers etc. It must be difficult to break free when your own father advises you to " be patient " and accept neglect and abuse , all on order to avoid divorce and its stigma.
Nevertheless, I can only tell you to NOT be patient, and to stop hanging in there hoping that some miracle will change in a loving fanily man a party boy who 'd just love to be single.
You CAN'T be patient, and yuu know why ? because of the abuse. So far it is verbal , but also borderline physical. He may not have hit you yet- but he broke a door, and smashed a TV set ( ...and a phone cell in a previous occasion ). It 's absolutely possible, in fact very probable, that the more his frustration grows and money problems worsen, he will take it out in you rather than on inanimate objects. Explain this to your father, and tell him that your physical safety , not just your happiness, is at risk, and I'd be surprised if he should not change his tune. Unless he is so fond of tradition and "not losing face" that he'd rather see you beaten to a pulp.
I am convinced that if you do make your mind and decide you must go back home, your family would respect your choice and accept you back gladly ( as a temporary solution. I don't see why, when your baby is a little older, you could not live on your own ). But if your father sees you always so wishy-washy, he must think that these are just " lovers' tiffs " and you are only having some trouble in adjusting to your new married life !
Come on, OP. You may say all you want, but, at the end of the day, your husband is a common thief : he stole from his parents, ok, and obviously they did not press charges - but it's still theft. Do you really want to be the wife of a thief ? Do you really want to grow your child constantly exposed to his/ her dad dishonest antics ? .. Maybe when the kid is older, your husband will teach him / her to steal from YOU !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2018): His mom blame me for his changes. She said he isnt like this before we marry and im the one who urge him to do illogical things to succeed. She said i need to help him with his debts as a wife . Its my duty to be with him whatever happen she said. And just now my husband get so angry and break things when i said he is so irresponsible. He played game just after his mom asking me to help him pay his debt. He smash the door and threathen me yo break the tv. His mom come in and ask him why. He blamed me for pressuring him about the gambling problem and debts. His mom said its my destiny to have husband like him and i need to work more. She said im lazy doesnt want to help them which is not true. I helped them everyday but right now im 7 months pregnant and im not in very fit. I feel sleepy tired and headache. My belly feel so heavy. She just doesnt get it. Said im lazy. My husband doesnt defend me he just silent. I think he doesnt feel sorry for what he did. He just feel depressed that he lose at gambling. He doesnt responsible as a husband and fathet to be. I told my parent about this and my father cant do anything beside telling me to be patient. Told me to not urging him to be succeed or demanding anything from him now. Dont give more pressure to him. My father doesnt want us to separated because of our soon to be born son. Ask me to follow his mom traditional rule in her house but tell me if i need anything or money just ask my father and he will give me. He offers me money for my needs. But i said if my father is still give me the living cost so why should i still be tortured in their house. Why should i work and be blamed not appreciated there while my own husband isnt responsible and dont care about me. He even refuse sex with me saying he cant do it with pregnant woman but i see his search history on google about sex massage video with happy ending. Why should he watch it? Does he enjoy happy ending massage? I feel like i dont know my own husband. I dont know who he is for real. And my parent cant do anything to help me. Im stuck. Im depressed and im feeling so guilty to my baby.
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A
male
reader, IAmBigFoot  +, writes (18 August 2018):
 You already know what to do, leave him while the leaving is good! You will lead a life of emotional torment and possible physical abuse. Your child will suffer along with you!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2018): Leave!!! It hurts now but imagine the unbearable pain if you stay. The end is going to come regardless. Leave with your daughter and your pride intact. If it’s meant to be, he’ll get it together but don’t hold the candle for him either. He is selfish and his needs come first. You don’t n ed a father or husband like that. Do you want to risk wasting your Youth to see if he “might” go back to being the man you fell in love with? I did that and it doesn’t happen as with most people. He needs to want to change and you can’t do the work for him. You deserve someone that will have his family’s best interest in mind. Gamblers are like drug addicts. Is that what you want?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2018): If you don't have a baby or one on the way then I would say you are lucky. Don't waste any more time on this pathatic soul and get out of this marriage ASAP. He will never reform and will always cause you heart and head ache all the time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 August 2018):
You know what's happening. He is gambling, and / or going out partying and having fun with his pals, with the excuse to attend to his oh so important "busine .
As he was already doing before. You knew it.
He had already been caught gambling, he had already been caught telling stupid lies about his " clients " and
" business", he already had been caught STEALING from his parents. You know it- you told us that in previous posts.
He is doing what he 's always done and he will keep doing it because he does not have to pay a price for that. There's always someone who is ready to enable him, to cover his ass, to bail him out.
Generally his parents. But it sounds that they may have gotten fed up by now. So, do you really believe that the reason why he is asking money from you is " because he wants to be independent ? " ...Not very believable. It's more probable that his parents told him " Enough is enough. Stop bleeding us dry. Ask money from your wife, she's got money, her father has got money ! "
Please don't be stubborn. Once again, as I and other Dear Cupiders have told you several times, please go back home to your father and mother. You have a loving, supportive and,luckily, well off family- you will need them while you prepare to live as a single mother. I strongly doubt that your husband is willing and most of all able to do his part, emotionally and financially, in raising this child. Never say never, but, as the things are now, you definitely cannot count on that. Go back home. And do NOT, I repeat , do NOT give him any money. Let him swim or sink- or let his parents save his ass once again. But don't be so silly to try and buy your husband's love and gratitude. He'll pocket the money, blow it away,- and still will give you nothing but lies , neglect and abuse in change. I think , deep down, you know this- even if for some reason you don't want to admit it to yourself.
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