A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, This is a bit of a long post, so thanks in advance.tl;dr: Parents giving me an ultimatum. Either break up and live with my parents forever, or elope and be without any family forever. My girlfriend [30F] and I [30M] have been together for over a year now, with the intention to marry in the next year or so. I'm ABC [American-born Chinese], she is from Malaysia with a green card. My extremely culturally conservative parents are fuming over my relationship. My Chinese parents worked 24-7-365 from poverty in China to being very well-off now. Because of their struggle, they value money as sole hallmark of success, more important than anything else in the world. My parents argue that: My girlfriend's parents live overseas. There will be significant costs involved in sponsorship to the US, including healthcare, litigation, food, rent, and so on. If they come, her parents will be strangers in a strange land, unfamiliar with English, American culture, lifestyle, values, food, unable to work, etc. Without friends or significant family, they will move in with us. [1] If they don't come, flying our children to Malaysia every year just so they can see their grandparents will be even more costly. [2] Taking care of her parents in their old age will require at least one of us to stay in Malaysia for possibly months at a time, which has significant costs of its own. [3] These costs are unavoidable. About [1]:This point particularly angers my parents because in my culture, sons are supposed to take care of their own parents. My parents view my girlfriend's parents living with us as giving their son away to someone else's parents, which is tantamount to disownment. In their minds, I should be living with them, and taking care of them in their old age, not anyone else. About [2]:I have an uncle who married an exchange student [also green card] out of love. My parents don't look fondly of him, considering he was also ostracized by the family and constantly works over-time to send their one kid to college, all while paying all of the above. They believe that he is whipped because of the point below: About [1], [2], and [3]:The reason the above points are unacceptable to my parents is because of flight risk. They think that my girlfriend's family has extreme asymmetrical leverage on me, because if I don't bend over backwards to fulfill their future demands, then they can just weaponize divorce and physically whisk [read: kidnap] our children away to Malaysia, where I will never be able to locate them. Malaysia currently does not have a Hague Convention agreement with the US. I am told this happens more often that you'd think. My parents are consumed with the notion that my wife will eventually blackmail me with ultimatums between onerous financial servitude to her family or kidnapping. My parents have decided to say that since I'm going to be forced between hard choices in the future, they're going to force one on me first, saying 'it will happen eventually anyway'. Thus their ultimatum: Either I break up with my girlfriend, live with my parents forever, and inherit the family business [they see all of the above as a no-brainer], OR: I refuse to break up [with the goal of marrying my girlfriend in the future], and disowned and kicked out of the family, full-stop. They made it clear they are firm with no in-between. I don't think they are bluffing. I'm in a VHCOL area, so I'm living with my parents at the moment. Here's the twist. With my W2, I'm generally financially able to support myself, but I'm also financially involved [read: tangled] in my parents' company. There is a rather large loan in me and my parents' name, but they are the ones fully paying it right now. Since all of our names are on it together, if you ask a credit bureau, I believe I'm on the hook if they don't pay. Since I am more financially vulnerable than they are, I don't know if they will weaponize defaulting to get me to yield. They are giving me my free choice between options 1 and 2, although I am not sure if they will renege on this. I got financially involved because pooling together resources is a common aspect of my culture, and unfortunately so is filial piety. Well, what's done is done. Up until this point, they've treated me well enough, but they've made it clear that marrying 'wrongly' is not something they will tolerate, since it jeopardizes their financials, the utmost security of which is more important to them than one person being erased from the family. [They've done it before, to my aunt. I have one sibling who is very obedient to them – they will be their backup plan.] My parents worked tooth and nail for 50 years with hardly a single day off for their fortune in the US, escaping rural China which had no food or running water, so they're very cold-blooded on about money. I worked two F and B jobs to pay for my own education, so I'm empathetic on constant stress and destitution changing the way you see the world. I don't deny the logic of their points when they say that assessed up-side is limited and not worth the astronomical down-side risk. The consequences of staying and acquiescing to their demands is that I know I'll feel wretched for not standing up for myself and my partner. Maybe I'll resent them forever for breaking us up, maybe I won't. But it will definitely teach them that emotional terrorism is reliable beat-stick when they don't get their way. The consequences of leaving are also very real. My girlfriend barely has any family except her parents in Malaysia. If I get erased from my family, then I won't have any on my side. My children will never know their own grandparents. They will have no aunts, uncles, or cousins on either side. There will be no familial support of any kind. Furthermore, if this relationship doesn't work out for any reason whatsoever, I won't be able to go back. I've tried my best to be the bridge between everyone. I've argued for countless nights, tried to negotiate and compromise countless more, but to no avail. My parents don't want to hear it, and they don't want to give her even the slightest chance. My girlfriend has tried to assuage my parents' fears continuously, also to no avail. To be frank, this is the best relationship I've ever had. It's caring, honest, communicative, and although we have our individual differences, we've both made it work through together so far. We talk about what troubles us, we explore different sides of our creativity, we encourage each other, we actively work on improving ourselves. A part of me wants to leave and live my own life. A part of me wants to find a way to make everyone come together, even though I know that ship has long sailed. A part of me thinks it's all naive. If I were half my age, I would've been out the door at the drop of a hat. Now that I'm 30, I find myself torn between the complexities and obligations of family and the permanence of life-changing decisions that might span generations. I feel completely lost, and I don't know what to do anymore, or even how to make the first step in any direction. I would greatly appreciate some advice DearCupid. Thanks in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2022): I read and re-read your post a couple of times, not because I didn't understand it but because it was so refreshing to read something that was so well written and presented a well researched, cogent argument.
I'm a student of Sociology from India, OP, and I'm familiar with many of the things you've mentioned. Filial piety is very important in our culture as well. Intercaste marriages are still a no-no in most families and arranged marriages are still more common than one can imagine, even in today's day and age. The reason I'm stating all this is because I'm trying to tell you that even though I've been lucky enough to have a very supportive family who have never forced anything on me, I'm only too familiar with the real situation and things that happen on a daily basis to people here.
At this point, OP, I'd tell you that you have two options, either the girl or your parents- and they are both not easy. If you were my brother, I'd tell you who to choose. Your parents.
I'll tell you why.
Your parents worked night and day to make you who you are today. If you're able to convey your thoughts in a few hundred words so beautifully, I can only imagine that you must be a good student and excellent at your job. While you have created your life with your own hard work, the credit goes to your parents. They made it possible for you to be where you are today because if not for their efforts, you'd be one in a billion in communist China. Not a pretty picture and you know that .
Given all of the above, you cannot and should not leave them for a girl you've just met. You know not where it's going to lead with her. There IS no best case scenario because your options include getting kicked out of your family, starting a new life with her and then you being a part of her family. With your family having effectively disowned you and by extension her, she will obviously fall back on her family. That's a given. And you will gradually come to resent that, as petty as it sounds, and the sense of guilt at not being able to take care of your parents will cripple you eventually.
Is it emotional terrorism that your parents are guilty of? From your perspective, Yes. From their perspective, No. They feel it's a no-brainer and your attitude is frustrating them no end. They have certain expectations from their son and the expectations come from being deeply rooted in culture as well as the fact that there is no place for flimsy emotions in their lives. They've seen far too much to get carried away by emotions. It means nothing to them. They will never see things from your perspective. For them, it's a clear case of black or white. They don't want grey. They have worked far too hard to want to see grey. They would rather lose their son than see grey.
I feel for you, OP, I feel for you. You're caught between the tussle of generations and it's not an easy place to be in. I only wish you'd anticipated all this before committing yourself to this girl. You are not yours, you belong to your family. Never has "man is born free and everywhere he is in chains" been more appropriate.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2022): I come from a very different culture (British) but I appreciate the conflict you find yourself in. I guess my advice is not to make any rash decisions. You have only been with your girlfriend for a year and you cannot replace your family. That said my personal view is that parents shouldnt expect anything in return for having kids. You shouldnt feel compelled to provide for your family because you also have your own life to live. I would advise you to start to financially separate yourself from your parents and try and get your name off that loan. You may need to be subtle about it and wait until your parents have forgotten about the current conflict. That way you have free will to leave if you please.
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