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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm probably getting back with my ex. The thing that's holding me back is my family hate him. My mum hates him because I run up the phone bill and act differently when I have a bf, and she has heard bad things about him from my brother who has friends who went out with him. My Brother always slags him off to me and it really gets me down, even though I know he's just looking out for me. My cousin knows him as an acquaintance and says he's an asshole because he's so confident, and also slags him off whenever I'm around. The guy in question has made an effort with my family to get them to like him, but to no avail. He makes me happpier than I ever thought I could be. Do I go for it regardless?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): Bev has some really good points as usual. However let's look at it from his point of view. I will give him the benefit of the doubt this time around, and relate to him through my recent past experiences.
My ex's friends and family was against me. They all thought I was a jerk, and that I didn't make enough money, and that I was too quiet for her, etc, etc, etc. My closest friends continue to try their best to encourage me to not attend any of my ex's outtings with her friends - dinners, movies, etc. However, I told her that by going with her to those events, I want to show her how much I love her by 'sacrificing' myself amidst her friends and family who think ill of me.
Now her friends are questionable people - some of them anyway. For some reason, some of my ex's friends started spreading rumors that I did something nasty to her after we broke up. On top of that, they all constantly felt I hurt my ex somehow. [ponders] If only they knew what really happened.
Yes, it's likely possible that your bf may have a bad rep, but then it is also likely possible that your family have different standards and a different perspective on things.
Ever since my ex and I broke up two months ago, I have fermented my anger and resentment towards her friends and her family. Being accused for doing something negative like those they mentioned really burdens my mentality and emotions. So I may have a feel for what your bf may be feeling at the moment. Fortunately however, your bf still has a chance.
What you can do is ask your family what your bf can do to help ease their minds and get them off his back. Also, you may want to confront your bf about his past - with tact of course.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (23 May 2006):
 When everybody who loves and cares for you tells you someone's a jerk, do you ignore them? If five relatives who knew him told you that a kid at your school was a drug-addict, would you dismiss the information?
Isn't it possible that your family are seeing something in your boyfriend that you don't want to, because you like the *idea* of having a boyfriend?
And when you "act differently" to your normal self when you're with this person everyone else believes is a jerk, why does that make you "happy"?
I think you need to step back a little and look carefully at the things your family are saying about him. Do any of the allegations seem true to you? Your brother says bad things and your cousin says bad things, and your mum seems suspicious too... None of those people has any reason to want you to be unhappy, so why are they warning you off your ex, unless they're really worried about you?
And then there's the fact that he's your ex. Why did you break up with him in the first place? Were there problems? And if so, are they all resolved now, or are you just jumping from the frying pan and into the fire?
You sound pretty much like you've got your mind made up, but before you go back to someone who --even after you've described him to us-- sounds like someone to steer clear of, think about it as if you were outside of yourself. Here's the scenario:
You're my best friend, and I'm considering going back to my ex-boyfriend. You don't know why we broke up in the first place, but you DO know that my mom hates him and that my brother (who knows him as a friend) says he's trouble. My cousin has told you he's a super-confident asshole, and you've noticed that when I'm with my boyfriend, I tell you I'm happy, but I act differently, and put everything else in my life "on hold" to be with him, and spend all my spare time on the phone.
Now, do you think I should go back to him?
Think about it, and I hope you make a wise decision.
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