A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in my 40s I never thought I was pretty or good enough to date any guys.I had never went on date before, no guys ever ask me out Sometimes I think there something wrong with me I guess I am pretty enough for any guys to ask me out, or smart enough. my too fat and too short. my about 5ft2inch and weight over 200lbs. Family really thinks my pretty but I think they just said that to keep hurt my feelings I never get out because I always babysitting my nieces and nephew but I do walk up and down the road Do you think there something wrong with me or am as ugly?I see my self in the mirror that's the reason guys never ask me out please. help me I don't know what true or not thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, SydneySidney +, writes (18 September 2016):
There's nothing wrong with you. You're not too short. You're not too fat. You're not too ugly. Plenty of short and fat people date. Also, guys that only date thin women are obnoxious and will just annoy you in the long-term.I suspect you are operating under the same false assumption that kept me from dating for a long time. Women often flirt with or otherwise communicate interest in men before men ask them out. In movies women just go about their lives and then the perfect guy spots them and pursues them. It doesn't work that way in real life. Guys will be much more likely to ask you out if you're a little bit flirty with them.Since you've never dated, you might want to practice flirting with guys that you're not necessarily interested in (but who are available) just so that you know what you're doing and have some confidence built up for when you do meet a guy you really like. A lot of attraction is subjective, meaning that different people are attracted to different qualities. However, the most universally attractive quality is confidence. I imagine you don't have much of that if you've never dated and you think there's something wrong with you. It is likely that just this lack of confidence that is keeping men away. So either try to build some up or at least fake it till you make it.Also, you do need to be places where you can meet men in order for them to ask you out. So you'll need to either get out more or try online dating. And walking up and down the road doesn't count. The best scenario is to do a regularly scheduled activity where you interact with the same people over time. There's so many options that will vary based on your interests and location, but some examples are: take a class, join a hiking group, join a gaming group, join a choir or other musical group, join a sports team, join a book club, etc. Meetup is a great site to find stuff like this.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 September 2016):
 Have you ever heard the expression "there is someone for everyone"? It rings pretty true. All of us have our own tastes, our own preferences and thank heavens for variety! I have skinny women, short women, tall women, tatooed women, really heavy women...ok..you get the drift...and they all have partners! You need to get it out of your head that you cant get someone because of your looks. An overweight woman may not draw as many bees to her honey as a slim one, but there will still be bees if she knows how to play herself!
From the little we know about you, I totally agree with everyone that you don't like yourself or else you don't think much of yourself so you don't believe in yourself. When you don't love yourself, its hard for others to love you. Work on this! Think about what your strong points are and maximize them. You have got to strut yourself honey...make yourself the best you can be and proud of yourself no matter what age or weight you are.
I have seen some very large women just absolutely knock men off their feet and treat them like queens. These women were proud of who they were and it showed. Yes there are men who don't like larger ladies but they are many men that do!
It also sounds like you isolate yourself. You need to get out...get hobbies, join clubs, volunteer, you can try online dating (be careful)...
Work on yourself if you don't like yourself but above all..learn to love yourself sweetie.
I wish you all the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2016): Being a mature woman and a woman with extra weight, you may not get as much attention, or as quick of a reaction from men as someone younger and slimmer. Let's be real.
You know that our society is geared towards physical aesthetics; but the one thing that you can be certain of.
If you meet someone who takes you just as you are, they truly care for you, and not just about how you look. Lets not delude ourselves or B.S. you by telling you a pretty face is all it takes. I think your own attitude about yourself is more of your obstacle. If you're telling yourself you're ugly; that will force you into seclusion. You will be less visible and you will not participate in most social activities that call for a more out-going personality.
Come on. Look around you, and you see nothing but curvy and bigger girls with husbands, kids, boyfriends, and girlfriends. If just being over-weight was the problem, here in America where the average person is over-weight; we should be the loneliest people on earth. Not so. We also know that we want love and need companionship. We don't just allow narcissism and conceit to completely rule our society. However; we also are trending towards health and fitness; because we see how other nations are healthier and more energetic. Not only that, they live longer.
When we feel healthy and look good, we also have a more positive outlook. So we set health-goals for ourselves and try to be our best as a person, and look our best to be more attractive in all aspects. Beauty is only skin-deep, but if you're in the dating pool; you have to do what it takes to be noticed, attractive, and approachable.
You can ask a guy out; but you also have to realize when you're playing out of your league without putting yourself down. Not many people can do that. If they don't love themselves and feel ugly; they never make the first move. They can't, because they foresee rejection before it ever happens. If you are comfortable with your weight, and have self-confidence; people notice it. It's an attractive attribute. If you feel ugly and take no action, you'll isolate yourself; and no one even knows you exist.
If you don't like your weight and feel it has hindered you from getting dates; then work on it. Work on your attitude about yourself. Don't expect anyone to love a person who hates who they are. They are miserable people, and nothing you can say or do will make them happy or fun to be around.
Most men have wives or girlfriends who are curvy or have a few extra pounds. What men truly love goes beneath the skin and deeper than appearance. Yes, appearance is important; but how a lovely strong woman carries herself and how she exudes charm, femininity, and self-confidence adds so much to her attractiveness and sex-appeal. Some attributes of a good women transcends far beyond her age-group; she is attractive for the inner-beauty she projects. Some people you just talk to them; and you're just drawn to be close to them. They make you tingle, and you can't put your finger on what it is about them.
There's plenty of competition out there. So it's up to you to improve your game and draw attention to yourself. To display the goodness within you, and offer something pleasing to the eye as well. There's a guy for each and every body-type and size. So don't let the media falsely convince you men are only attracted to twigs with boob-jobs.
Depending on his looks or financial status; men have to be realistic about their aesthetic-appeal to women as well. Even unattractive people prefer attractive people; and they are just as guilty as anyone else in the human race about rejecting those with flaws and extra weight.
Choose self-improvement, and a weight-loss program to boost your confidence. Be visible just as you are to let everyone know you are here and love you just as you are. Always be a work in progress, because that adds value to your self-worth and you never feel you're not good enough for anyone. Then you can pick and choose according to whom you feel you deserve as a good match.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 September 2016):
 What are your goals, hobbies, interests? What are you looking for in a relationship? How willing are you to give up your niece / nephew nights to spend them developing a relationship?
At the age you are (not far from my age) Personality is a lot more important to your beauty than skin tone, weight, hair, breast size, or all of that. Not that I am in the market, but my friends are my age and the women are not concentrating on the physical aspects of their beauty.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 September 2016):
 No you are not too short- I am just half an inch taller than you and my being slightly " vertically challenged " never ever was an issue and never deprived me of male attention. It's not the height.
The weight ... look, I'll be honest, I should tell you that beauty is only skin deep , or beauty is in the eye of the beholder, - etc, ....which is true, I don't deny it.
But the fact is ,that your weight, according to the current aesthetic criteria in our society, is not what most men would find visually pleasing. Of course there are estimators for any size and shape, and also BBW have their admirers, but , it is what it is - your weight , yes, probably makes you look quite less attractive than you could be .
BUT ! that's not the problem, really. One can always decide " screw the visual criteria ! this is what I am , and if they don't like me and do not accept me just the way I am, at over 200 pounds- that means that they would not be the right men and the right matches for me anyway, so for all I care they can go jump in the lake ".
Yes, good,reasonabke approach, but... it's not really about beauty or sex appeal, at 47. It's about health ! Going on along the years , and after menopause, so many things you are used to take for granted, like mobility and flexibility, - well, you can't take them for granted any more. Your joints and bones start squeaking and creaking and aching , and imposing on them the extra weight you are carrying around will speed up noticeably the normal degenerative process. Not to mention all the other bad stuff that obesity causes or facilitates or worsens, like diabetes, cardiovascular diseases, and cancer.
So forget about being cute for the guys for a sec, and try and lose some weight for yourself, for your health, and for the quality of your life. Then, if the new , lighter version of you will make you feel more self confident, and will bring you closer to what is considered a " good " figure, and will put you a bit more on the map, so to speak, that will be an added bonus. But, single or coupled, first off please take good care of yourself.
Anyway , it's not as much a matter of " being pretty ", although that helps , as of timing and opportunity.
If you never go anywhere ,and you spend all your time with your nieces and nephew, where would you meet and get to know men ? Where would they SEE you ? Ok, you walk up and down the road, but - then your pool is limited to your neighbours who for all you know might all be married, or gay :). I think you need to branch out a bit, to go out with your friends and acquaintances , or if you don't have much of a social life... work on changing that, ; volunteer, join groups, classes, activities...
You might be Miss Universe, but you still need
" exposure "- if they don't see you and don't meet you, how can they ask you out ?...
Of course there's always Internet dating, for people who for whatever reason do not have many chances of socializing- but I would not advise it for you yet. It's like ... first elementary school, then middle school, then high school. In your shoes, with zero previous dating experience, I'd start trying meeting men the old fashioned, traditional way- in person.
And not as someone who is hell bent on getting herself some man, any kind of man- just like someone who wants to make friends and expand her social circle at first, then whatever happens is all good.
I know that you feel you have been missing out and that you want to catch up, but - make sure you do not give off desperate, greedy vibes. That's a turn off whatever size and shape you are in.
Stay positive, be open and friendly, - do things that makes you feel fulfilled and keep you interested. When you are interested in your own life, you are also interestING to people.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 September 2016):
 There's no way any of us can answer that question in the way that you want us to because, quite frankly, we can't see you! We've never seen a picture, don't know what hair or clothing style is, don't know your level of personal hygiene, so how can we answer that??
The only thing you mention of yourself is your height and weight. The fact that shorter and heavier women have gone out, gotten married and/or had children means that your height and weight class don't disqualify you automatically.
I won't lie to you - your weight vs height ratio would classify you as being a bit more Rubenesque in stature, but there are guys who consider that to be their type over the stick figure-thin type.
I would strongly suggest that your issues are much more mental or emotional than physical if you've never gone out with a guy. This would be independent of what you look like. I personally know someone who is 51 years old and a virgin because she has pretty serious social anxiety. She is under a therapist's care right now, which has been helping her. She is 4'10" and weighs 95lbs soaking wet! I consider her to be quite attractive in an Annette Bening sort of way.
You need help with a therapist for underlying emotional barriers. As for physical or beauty things, if you're the sort who never changes her hairstyle or buys clothes often, looking for places in which to do a makeover would help a lot! Spas, department stores, beauty salons, all of them can assist you in updating your image. And I would always recommend physical fitness to improve your overall feelings of health and wellness. That's not just the gym or finding a treadmill, though those are options! I know someone who lost over 50lbs joining a salsa dance club. There's yoga, bicycling, team sports, power walking, nature walking, everything fun! You may want to get a physical examination by your doctor before starting a new workout regime, and before dieting or starting a food system (like weight watchers or nutri-system), get a referral to a dietitian to assess your personal metabolic system, address any physical issues or medication you may be taking that has weight gain as a side effect (like birth control pills or some steroid treatments) or has fatigue or anything else that can derail your efforts.
Don't expect a magic pill, and be patient in your journey to better yourself! Get a therapist and/or a life coach to help! You *can* do it! You're not too old! Not by a long shot!
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