A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm 42 and my wife is 30. We've been together 5 yrs and married the last 2. We knew when we got together that due to the age gap, we'd have to compromise on expectations around the timing of kids. I didn't want to be a really old dad, and she wanted her 20s to herself. Well, about 6 mths ago, she said that she felt ready to try for kids. I was delighted as I loved her so much, that the thought of us moving to the next level was amazing. She recently got a new job however with very good career prospects, and spent a week away from home on a training course. When she came back she completely ignored me for 4 days. I was getting to the point of asking her if something happened when she was away that I should know about, when she said that she no longer wanted kids at the moment due to career prospects etc etc. I totally understand her position and am fine with it. However, at the time (due to me getting myself worked up that there was something else going on, plus the fact I'm a stupid bloke), blurted out things like .." what does this mean for us, I don't want to be a dad when I'm 50, I need more than just going to the pub every weekend etc". Almost in the same breath I took it back as my real feelings came through ie I love her and will support her no matter what. Things have been very strained between us since then, and she has now questioned whether the age diff is becoming a problem. I have sincerely (wrote her a letter), apologising for the stupid things that came out of my mouth, highlighting that it was inexcusable that I wasn't there for her 100%, even if briefly, and that it will never happen again. Other than just be myself going forward, and hope things heal themselves, I'm a loss for what else to do. Starting to feel that for one stupid comment, I may have thrown my marriage and life away.... Reply to this Question
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male
reader, M Proops +, writes (31 December 2013):
Well her biological clock will be ticking now she's 30 and will find it much harder to get pregnant than she thinks.Men can father children until they're very old.I just wonder what happened on this training course to make her change her mind so quickly?
A
female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 I know the mouth can damage relationships based off my mouth. I know that in time things can work out but there will be trust issues to be dealt with. Alot of people have a hard time communicating men are from mars destroyed planet and women are from venus love and war. If you have said things to make war then you will have to make peace in order to recieve any love. I would suggest face to face if not call her or atleast text her your intentions. She may alway feel your not ready to have children at this time cause things are not properly in place with whatever it maybe finances behaviors or the fact that she doesn't take you seriously to be a father to your child especially if it's not a male child. She probaly weighed in on all the probabilities of having children with you and wasnt understanding or didnt accept where you were coming from exactly.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): I don't think there is anything offensive in your comment. Perhaps as you say the training course has opened her eyes on other prospects such as career progress.I don't think you should blame yourself.Just try to find out what she has on her mind and what she wants. I think you should prepare yourself for the worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): You've only been married two years and had a major blowout.
You lost your temper. You're mature enough to be mindful of what comes out of your mouth at your wife.
She was quietly contemplative, and mulling over her life-decisions. Doing what you failed to do. Think, and then express your feelings.
Things got tense; but they are not irreparable.
You're only human. However; hotheadedness can be costly to any relationship, and may cause hard-feelings that take time to heal.
I don't get the written apology. Aren't you man enough to face your wife and give her a sincere face to face apology?
To allow her see the heartfelt sincerity in your eyes and tone; minus any phony dramatized emotionalizing. I mean, as a loving-husband should deliver it.
You didn't like her decision, and you barked loud to make sure she heard you. You were also suspicious, and insulted her in the worse way possible.
You devalued and indirectly undermined her upward mobility career-wise, by hitting below the belt. Reason being. It threatens or delays your becoming a father. It was all pent-up and waiting to blow, cowboy! This wasn't the first time this topic came up. It was bubbling below the surface.
Give her time to digest a few things. You came on like gang-busters; because you assumed she was final in her decision, and leaving you little option in the matter.
It would be hard not to understand how you feel, and unfair not to recognize the truth that compelled your reaction.
Now she has your feelings about it imbedded in her mind; and surely guilt will result. Why do men do this to their wives? Why? She is an educated woman, who was sure to seek a career behind it. Women know how to balance motherhood and career these days. It happens to most women unplanned.
Back-off the subject of kids for the time being; and concentrate on getting your apology across, and re-establishing your support for her decisions. Be happy about her success and be real about it. Keep your condescending reassurances to yourself. She knows if you're really happy about her job.
Even though you are her husband and partner; it's her body.
When children come and how motherhood will effect her career; are decisions she can make with, or without you.
They are better made with your support and encouragement.
You earn her trust, you've got her by the heart. Your feelings will always matter in making her decisions. They may not always agree.
Stew in your guilt. It shows you are a better man, and you are truly sorry. Let time heal this one.
It's a new marriage and there will be more mistakes and mouth diarrhea that you'll be apologizing for.
Learn to trust her because her job may require her to be away.
Be willing and supportive, and she will compromise where motherhood is concerned. Pissing her off will make her less flexible; and less likely to seek your counsel on major decisions that involve her body.
Good luck, my fiend! It will all workout.
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