A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My mother always disagrees with things I say. If she's having an issue with something she'll ask me and then I'll tell her what I think but then we end up arguing about it. She then goes, maybe weeks or days later, to ask my 2 brothers(I'm the only daughter and the youngest) the same question and they tell her the EXACT SAME thing EVERY SINGLE TIME. This infuriates the hell out of me. She's not old she's in her 60s. It's like she doesn't take what I say as being valid. How do I deal with this and cool down? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 July 2015):
 And as a shortcut for yourself, I would start to treat her like she was slightly um, mentally challenged, and need some help getting things done right.
If she was a toddler and challenged you all the time, you'd find a way to cope with her, right? So be very kind and gentle and sweet and let her do her own heavy lifting and heavy thinking and just sit back and be supportive without engaging in the fight. :)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 July 2015):
I think you need to practice asking her questions about her questions, calmly, with nothing in your voice but a simple query.
"If she's having an issue with something she'll ask me and then I'll tell her what I think but then we end up arguing about it."
Instead of telling what you think, ask her to flesh out her thoughts and feelings on the issue. "Ah, so you have xyz problem and wondered about my thoughts on this? I'd love to help you, so let me know a bit more about xyz. How has this arisen? And how are you feeling about it today?"
So instead of answering her questions, guide her to her own conclusion by asking her questions about xyz issue.
Here's a link to how to think about this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socratic_questioning
Another way to think about this is to realize that she can answer her own question without your opinion, she just needs guidance and a push that way. Unless she suffers from some condition that prevents her from being able to figure out things on her own? My mother has dementia and I don't argue with what she says at all, as I know it's (a) useless and (b) possibly harmful to her.
I think it was Wayne Dwyer who said, "if it doesn't matter, be kind, not right." (I'm paraphrasing. It's better explained here: http://www.healyourlife.com/be-right-or-be-kind )
And finally, in the end, it's up to your mother to sort out her own issues. I've grown rather fond of this saying; "Not my circus, not my monkeys." I believe it's a Polish saying. Here's a good discussion about that: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/depression-management-techniques/201412/not-my-circus-not-my-monkeys
So in other words, stop making her problems your problem. Let her deal with them, you can kindly try to lead her to her own answers but there's no need to get caught up in the arguments. Easier said than done, I know, family members can push a lot of buttons. So you just have to be clear and grounded yourself, and don't let her monkeys run your circus. :)
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 July 2015):
 She asks you first which is not only revealing but it affects how she reacts.
If you're the first person to tell her what she doesn't want to hear then you're going to get the worst reaction. By the time she asks your brothers she's already had time to react or accept it. It won't then have the same impact when someone else says it later.
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (11 July 2015):
 Hi
You won't change your mother, you will have to change yourself if you want to stop feeling like this
You don't need validation from your mother or anyone
Knowing this is maturity
I'm the youngest and have always had a crazy relationship with my mother
She's never changed and I'm 50 now
Just smile and walk away. You are living a pattern with your mum and not a life. Mother and youngest child
It'll have to be you that breaks the cycle
All your siblings agree with you anyway so take a back seat
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 July 2015):
 What you do is say to yourself: "What difference does it make, what she thinks and/or says...."
If necessary, write that on a note card.... keep it in your wallet... and.... anytime you get in the mood and/or position you were when you wrote this submittal.... pull the card from your wallet, read it.... shrug your shoulders and ask yourself, "is all this worth it?"
Then, go have another glass of wine...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 July 2015):
 Maybe for a while stick to topics you won't argue or disagree over, like weather, TV, music etc. If she picks a topic or asks a question you KNOW she is asking to create a little drama... avoid it or ASK her opinion without getting into it.
She will soon realize that she can't bait you into these ridiculous arguments.
YOU already KNOW she is going to do it, so... my advice STOP playing her games.
WHY she has you singled out? I don't know. Maybe there is a little jealousy going on? Maybe she is not totally liking the fact that you DO NOT defer to her, but is an strong independent woman.. Either way, if you KNOW she is doing it (regardless of WHY she is doing it) I would JUST not play into her hand.
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