A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:The other night my husband's close friend's sister who lives in the south (we live in the north east) hung herself (very sad as there was no indication just 1 day before in social network posts). She was actually found and revived, then sent to a local hospital for a while. All her family is in the north east with us (at least 40 hrs drive) and the family has no internet, but we do, so they called us to ask to book plane or tran tickets ASAP, we booked them but sadly got the name wrong for the mother and they wouldn't let her on the flight!We apologised and booked the next one but by that time (the rest of family had all arrived) she had passed. Now my husband feels unimaginable guilt and the family are lashing out. i suspect they know it was an honest mistake but he is just wallowing. How can i help him to get over this guilt? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): Although tragic and unusual bad luck,this is neither your husbands fault or yours (in the slightest way)we can spend a life time finding blame. It could be the actual airport, the individual at the service desk,the Mothers fault for not doing this herself,or even the person that took their own life. Your husband will naturally feel a little guilt but this is probably mixed with grief and the family may well start lashing out (natural to feel anger after a tragic death)however beware that ALL their anger is not TRANSFERED onto you or your husband)if so you need to be tough on this one and remind them who's choice was it to take them selves away from their family in the first place? as hard as this sounds it is a reality. You are NOT to BLAME and should carry NO GUILT.What ever the circumstances were about this tragedy, it was obviously already happening, she was only revived because someone found her....they need to remember that at least some family had the chance to see her because as far as she was concerned she wanted to end her life there and then. Suicide is such a tragedy and often needs professional guidence to deal with the range of emotions.Please remember to stay as emotionally detached as possible and understand that you were helping them and they should be grateful that some family got to see her.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (23 February 2014):
 The family will lash out, my love, due to their grief. In my experience of people dealing with bereavement, especially suicide, emotions run incredibly high.
In cases of suicide the family will feel guilt because they were not able to save her and anger at her for taking her own life which in turn makes them feel guilty again for feeling angry. Combine this with the shock, fear, confusion, panic and immense sadness they're feeling and you can understand why they need to lash out and apportion blame.
Your poor hubby will be the target for that, it's not fair but this is how happens. Your husband made an honest mistake, this ladies actions of taking her life were not his fault, this family could have booked their own tickets, it's called using the phone.
Why on earth would your husband deliberately sabotage their journey? Basically, he wouldn't and he didn't.
This women's family need an outlet and focal point for their grief and sadly your husband's mistake will be that focal point for now.
Your husband needs to accept that. Yes he made an error but it was an honest one and occurred when he was trying to help.
He needs to accept that the reason for this lady dying is suicide, it was by her own hand, it was her choice. If her plan had worked then she would have passed away immediately and nobody would have had a chance to say goodbye and this was probably exactly what she wanted.
I think her family are actually angry with themselves too, for failing to notice her plight or not being there to help and offer her more support.
In reality, with mental illness/depression etc, often the families are completely in the dark and there is nothing they could have done regardless but they won't know or believe that.
It's easier for them to blame your husband than blame her for her actions or themselves.
Tell your husband that he tried to help and he's not to blame. As I said the family could have picked up a phone and called and booked a ticket, they didn't, the travel company could have contacted you to confirm details, they didn't, the mother could have called you to call the travel company and explain, she didn't! How then is he to blame?
The guilt should not be on him and he needs to forgive himself. As time passes and the shock lessens, the situation will be seen more clearly and I'm sure will resolve.
Just keep reassuring him and putting this back into perspective for him.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): Realize if they wanted guaranteed service, they should have booked the flight themselves and not depended on a family friend. Mistakes like this happen when you do things yourself. Now they are ungrateful for you trying.
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