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Would you let your husband go away for the weekend with a woman he fancies?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 December 2007) 19 Answers - (Newest, 29 December 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, *ath123 writes:

I have been with my husband for eleven years now, and although things are fairly good between us, he has developed a crush on another woman.

He met her on a weekend away with the boys in the middle of summer, and has been sending odd messages here and there to her facebook account ever since. And though I know this is nothing, it is totally out of character for my man. And so I suspected he had a crush on her.

I asked him directly a couple of months ago whether I was right and he said that it was true, but I mustn't worry.

Recently however, things have been picking up pace. They have swapped numbers, have gone out for drinks, and I found out last week that he has arranged to go away for the weekend with her in a couple of months. Not just her you understand, but her and another male friend. And its driving me a little crazy.

I confronted him last week about it. Telling him that it was obvious how keen he was on her, and how uncomfortable it made me for him to be spending time with a woman he clearly fancied. He responded by saying that "With the best will in the world it isnt you who is going to stop me having an affair -- I have decided I want to be her friend and you just have to trust me."

So now I dont know what to do. I dont feel I can tell him not to see her, because that suggests that I dont trust him, and is likely to make him more determined to see her behind my back...

But I dont feel like I can just sit back and watch this happen either...he is clearly interested in her...and I dont think I am secure enough to just hope she doesnt fancy him in return.

View related questions: affair, crush, facebook

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A female reader, Murkywaters United States +, writes (29 December 2009):

Yeah I'd let my husband go if he had enough money after I raked his ass over the coals in divorce court. You're afraid he'll think you don't trust him? Perhaps you need a good looking male friend of your own to have an innocent weekend with as well.

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A male reader, anon_e_mouse United Kingdom +, writes (3 January 2008):

anon_e_mouse agony auntI have to say for the record I do agree with A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007):

"No, No, No!!!! Never ever would i EVER let my husband go on a trip with another woman. If he showed interest, and admitted it, he wouldn't even be speaking with her!!! And trust me, He knows better. He must think you are stupid"

I AGREE wholeheartedly as per my previous response. Although I do have to say I don't see why this is a "man" thing... I've had an awful time dealing with a break-up with my EX-girlfriend which was my chosing and I don't brand ALL women the same because of it. I don't think comments like "Men, I swear" are very helpful.

EVERYONE is an individual and yes, men and women do have their differences. I'm sure there are guys out there who've experienced similar situations with their girlfriends (http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-have-no-idea-how-she-feels-i.html springs to mind).

How helpful would a comment like "bloody women" be? In your case this is obviously HIS issue, in the xample above it's HER issue.

I DO GET TIRED OF PEOPLE BRANDING ALL MEN/WOMEN THE SAME BASED ON THEIR OWN EXPERIENCES.

I got bit by a dog once... Does that mean ALL dogs are horrible? NO. So whilst I do agree with the above statement I don't think it's fair to brand everyone the same.

LEt us know how you get on!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007):

No, No, No!!!! Never ever would i EVER let my husband go on a trip with another woman. If he showed interest, and admitted it, he wouldn't even be speaking with her!!! And trust me, He knows better. He must think you are stupid. Men, I swear.

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A female reader, Cath123 United Kingdom +, writes (28 December 2007):

Cath123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thankyou so much to all of you for your supportive replies.

For what it is worth, I honestly dont think that he is having an affair with her, and I dont think he intends to either. But still...things happen dont they?

I talked to him again last night...and he said that if I really felt that strongly about it, then he wouldnt go with her. Which is a huge relief.

But like I said, I dont know that I want to be the person who tells him what he can and cant do. Mainly because I want to be able to trust him - and I value the honesty we have.

But I like the suggestion to pack a bag and go along too. If shes there it cant be a 'lads' weekend, right?

Thanks again for all your support and kindness. It is good to hear that my reaction is normal - and I'm not just some crazed jealous idiot who was blowing this out of all proportion!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007):

Hi Hunny

I agree with fairy lu, Yes send him off with a smile, But in the meen time you could say you have been thinking of wanting a break as well and is it poss the four of you go together..If you have children can you get a baby sitter?

See his reaction to this love, two men and one woman my fella would be gone bags n all, Im sorry its not trust its not one bit of respect for your feelings and then making you feel guilty. Not good for the soul, come on he has said he fancys her. NO BLOODY WAY!!!! Get your detective hat on and dont be walked over, And if he still insists on going with his mate and her which sounds more than a little weird to me...You have to find out whats going on and hunny if you do go to find him take a friend with you just incase for support letting her know all the info and if he is in a room on his own fine no problems if you fill your matte in she can disapear if he is alone, But my instincts tell me they have been talking the three of them and its all to suspect. How would he feel if you went away for the weekend with another fella you had only just met, whooo! the best of luck sweetheart let us no how you get on or if you need a chat ok... with lots of love n hugs mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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A male reader, anon_e_mouse United Kingdom +, writes (27 December 2007):

anon_e_mouse agony aunt"Would you let your husband go away for the weekend with a woman he fancies?"

To put it simply; NO!!!

I have to say I agree with Dawnie when she says; "If it is innocent then why can you not go too? it's good to have give and take in a marriage and not to take each other for granted, but him expecting you to wait at home while he goes off with another woman is really not on"

This is the first thing I was thinking as I was reading your post. Why can't you go to?

Put your foot down. I know I wouldn't let my girfriend/wife go off for a weekend away with another bloke even if she didn't fancy him... Never mind if she is attracted to him!

Good luck :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007):

Let him go, stay cool otherwise things may be driven underground....hire a detective for this weekend away and get any evidence you need. However be prepared for the fact this may well be an affair. You need to stay one jump ahead. I hope he is telling the truth....unfortunately I think this is more than a friendship. Does he think you're stupid?

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A female reader, Dawnie United Kingdom +, writes (27 December 2007):

Dawnie agony auntI seriously would not allow him to go off with this woman knowing how he feels about her. No way!!

I think you have to really put your foot down and make it clear if he goes your marriage is over. If it is innocent then why can you not go too? it's good to have give and take in a marriage and not to take each other for granted, but him expecting you to wait at home while he goes off with another woman is really not on. Let him know how you feel and be firm in what will happen should he take no notice. Good luck.

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (27 December 2007):

birdynumnums agony auntNice One Fairy Lu! I like the way you think!

You know that he has a crush on her. It is totally wrong for him to expect you to stand idly by and watch him go off and start the physical part of this emotional affair. Drag him kicking and screaming into a marriage counselor before he goes to talk some sense into him. He obviously needs to hear how wrong he is from a third party because he is not listening to you.

Danielepew is right, you also need to tell him that if he goes, it is the end of your marriage and he needn't bother coming back. You need to put your foot down. No more texting, facebook and messages. I know couples who have had to delete their facebooks because of the problems that photos and messages caused in their relationships.

It is neither normal nor appropriate to maintain a friendship with a person of the opposite sex when you know that you have a strong attraction or crush on them when you are married. Period.

AND one last thing - If you are being calm about this, you shouldn't be. If you are ever going to throw a hissy-fit, break dishes, scream, yell, chuck things out the window, do it now! You have every right to be infuriated. Show him how angry you are about this matter - I don't think that you should be reasonable about this and stand quietly by while he is spouting nonsense about this affair. He needs to know that you are serious and mean business. To hell with being rational - this woman could well be the catalyst that breaks up your marriage. Put your foot down.

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A female reader, Fairy_Lu United Kingdom +, writes (27 December 2007):

Fairy_Lu agony auntNow i dont know how much you trust your husband and how likely he is to cheat but if you want to know if there more then friends let him go but have all the details (where he is staying which room ect ect) send him off all happy and smiley and tell him your looking forward to having some alone time, then turn up at his hotel room in the middle of the night and if she is in his room then you know he is cheating but if she isnt make sure your wearing some sexy lingerie and tell him you missed him.

IUts up to you whether you think he is cheating and there more then friends but if you trust him let him do his thing but make friends with this other woman so he doesnt go off just the 2 of them

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007):

Do you have kids with him? Could you be ok if you were to divorce? Financially? If my husband did this, I would have his stuff packed and tell him that he will be hearing from my lawyer!!

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A female reader, calamitysil United Kingdom +, writes (27 December 2007):

calamitysil agony auntYou need to set some boundaries in your relationship otherwise your husband will take full advantage and simply do as he likes. I agree with Rockelle that he's showing a blatant lack of respect towards you. Next time he goes out with her, get yourself dressed up and go along! If he moans, say you want to meet his "friends". Ask him how he would feel if you wanted to go out for the evening with a man you have a crush on?

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (27 December 2007):

Danielepew agony auntI find it obvious that the interest of your husband is well beyond that of a friend. He doesn't have simply a crush on this person; apparently he wants a deep involvement with her.

Sometimes you need to draw a line in the sand and make a threat if someone crosses it. I think this is one of those moments. If I were you, I would consider telling him that he can go, yes, but then he won't have the option of returning. Don't let him treat you like that. I'm sure he wouldn't agree to a similar situation if you were going out with a male "friend".

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A female reader, rockelle United States +, writes (27 December 2007):

rockelle agony auntThere isn't that much trust in the world. There is no way I would allow my husband to go away with another women. The issue isn't trust it is respect. Did he invite you to come along? If they are just friends then why arent you going? It sounds to me like this man is clearly playing some type of mind game with you to make his cheating more convenient.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007):

just tell him how u feel about it.I agree with Keria

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A female reader, Keria United Kingdom +, writes (27 December 2007):

Depends. If you have an open relationship, then let him. If it upsets you, then tell him, and if he does it anyway, leave him.

Just curious though.... how do you know all this? Has he been doing it all openly? Does he figure he's in an open relationship?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007):

I believe that you have a right to be worried. He is your husband and he fancies someone else. It would have been innocent and less hurtful if she was say a movie star or someone of of reach. However, he is clearly acting on these feelings by swapping numbers and going on dates with her. You have to ask yourself what your boundaries are and what you would be comfortable with and then you need to talk to him again. He is being selfish by coninuing the friendship with the girl he fancies knowing that his wife is uncomfirtable with it. It sounds as though their is a lack of respect there. Hands up to him for being honest with you about how he feels about her BUT you've responded in a ntural way. Yeah it would be good if you could trust him as he hasnt kept it a secret that he likes her, But you can't. What about suggesting that you and a friend went along with them too for the weekend?

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A female reader, Serinity United States +, writes (27 December 2007):

Serinity agony auntGood Lord woman!

There is NO way possible I would let my husband go on a trip with a woman he clearly fancies. It's like he's already having an affair with her right under your nose. You don't have to have sex with someone to have an affair. He is having an emotional realtionship with another woman and you shouldn't trust him!!! You're letting him persuade you with guilt. If he wants to be friends with this woman then he should have no problems having her over to your house and/or including you when they go out for drinks. If he's not cheating he has nothing to hide, right? "Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing". I guess it's good that he has made you aware that he has a "platonic friendship" with this woman, but there is more to it than that or he would not be taking her on trips and going out on dates with her. I think you are being too accepting and understanding of your husbands relationship with this other woman. It's kind of like your just setting youself up to be devistated by this whole thing. Are you going to be surprised if you let this relationship continue and he comes to you one day and says he just doesn't love you anymore because he's in love with her. It is not acceptable and you should not tolerate it. I'm sorry you have to go through this and I wish you the best. Good luck!

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A female reader, littleredhen63 United States +, writes (27 December 2007):

I guess the answer lies within your heart. What does your heart tell you? I have been married for 28 years but I do not think I would be comfortable with the situation you are describing. You may be able to trust him but what about her? As my husband has told me...it is hard for a man to refuse something that is put right in his face. He may not truly plan to have an affair with her but when they are put together in a situation where no one knows them the attraction might be too powerful. You have to remember that one of the attractions that married people find in someone else is the lack of daily responsibilities. My guess is that when they are "talking" they aren't discussing the bills, the kids, the list of things that need to be done at the house...in other words she is getting to know the man that you dated and was engaged to before the married man responsibilities hit....I hope this makes sense. In other words, I would ask him to not go away with this woman, unless you are invited to go also.

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