A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Would you date someone with scars from self-injury?I recently went through a pretty rough period while I was far away from home at college, and I became so mentally worn that I resorted to cutting as a coping method.I know it's bad, and I know I should "get help." Luckily, I'm mostly over all that, so no need for advice there. All I'm asking is what you would think of a potential date if you saw several lines of scars going down his or her wrist? My father told me no healthy, self-respecting man would want to deal with that. So, I'm curious, how would YOU feel?Be honest.
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female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (12 March 2013):
 If someone loves you they will love you scars and all. I have dated someone who self harmed and the scars were a sign of something they went though and came out of the other end for. It never made me love them any less.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 May 2012):
 My BFF's daughter is now past 30. she is happily married and the HEAD of Research and Development for her division.
She was a cutter at 16. She cut enough that her friends told her mother... She also had large piercings that later in life she had to have plastic surgery to repair...
Your dad probably said what he said since he had no clue how else to help you. He's wrong btw...
I have scars. My fiance has scars. Scars give us character. they give us a chance to tell stories... (great scene in the movie working girl about "where did you get this scar with Harrison Ford who has a real scar on his chin)
I hope you are being truthful that you have worked through the issues that are causing you pain.... if not please consider getting some help. (all I'm going to say on that topic)
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A
female
reader, SOShelp  +, writes (29 May 2012):
 First thing, your father was only saying that to make you stop. If a healthy, self-respecting man can't love you then that man doesn't deserve you. The 'healthy, self-respecting' men he seems to be talking about are people who see the scars and go 'woah, she's mad' instead of understanding the person.Anecdote time (fun!); One of my friends used to self-harm and she dated a guy for a while who would make her wear long-sleeves. He was so ashamed of her scars that he was worried they would impact on him. He eventually broke up with her because he said that he couldn't deal with an 'emotionally scarred' person in his life. Big help, right?Anyway, six months on she found another guy. He was completely different from her but, from past experience, she was terrified of her scars and so she didn't show him. He only found them the first time they had sex. And he asked her to wear short-sleeves because he said that he was upset that she felt that she had to cut herself but that he was so proud of her for getting through. He respected her for stopping rather than starting.You don't need to worry about guys. If all a guy can notice is your scars then he is looking at the wrong place. Find a guy that respects you for what you do now, not what you have done in the past. As for your father? Any guy that loves and cares for his daughter should be healthy and self-respecting so ignore him. This once.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 May 2012):
Okay, here's an honest answer:
You're going to be met with some prejudice. With so many using self harm as a coping method, many others have started to look down upon it. To be honest with you, whenever I see a guy or a girl with arms riddled by scars, my first thought is "mental health issues" and yes, this would make me ponder, especially if I were someone considering to date you. But these are just first impressions, and can be done away quite quickly through social interaction.
If I were your potential love interest, I would want to know what caused you to do this and I would try to gauge your mental state because the last thing people want is a broken puppet they need to patch up.
Since you are already taking care of yourself it shouldn't be a big problem. Plus it shows others that you have climbed out of deep pits, which means you are a fighter. And that is one of the best qualities a person can have.
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A
female
reader, meccamega  +, writes (28 May 2012):
That's not true. I have a ugly scar on my knee, from an accident in childhood. I hate it personally but it hasn't stopped me from having relationships.
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A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (28 May 2012):
 Well, I'm a guy who could identify with you perfectly. I have over 137 cut marks on my body. It starts from my left wrists, goes up my arm, along my shoulder and across my chest. Let's just say, I used cutting as a relief for almost every stressful situation I had when I was a teen.
Infact, out of every cutter I'm talked to, they are amazed at how many I have. They always asked if it was painful. I reply "What would be the point if they weren't?"
I use to worry about getting a girlfriend because I feared they would just think I'm a psycho. But in all honesty, I LOVE my scars. I never considered them ugly and you shouldn't think yours are either. They tell my past.I'm sure you have a past behind every mark of yours as well.
As for the dating part, I realize as long as I loved myself, I could find people that loved me too. I've had two girlfriends since after my scars. They were both long term relationships. Sure, there are the people who still look at me as if I'm crazy but if it wasn't this they were critizising, it would be something else.
LOVE your scars. Take pride that they tell a history about you. Not a pschotic one, but an emotional one. A past that you overcame. A truamatic journey that you survived. I remember a friend asking me why I don't wear long sleeve shirts to cover them up. I burst out laughing. "Why would I ever want to hide them?" I told him. If I can't accpet myself then how can I be happy with who I am.
Accept them. They are yours now. They aren't hideous. Don't look at them that way. If you do, then people will think they are to. They will see you are ashamed of them so they too will be cautious about mentioning them. When my friends are around me, I would playfuly joke about who having the most scars. Me-137 Them-0. In the beginning they were uncomfortable about speaking of them but after a while, they realized that I wasn't embarrased about showcasing my marks so they too began making light humor of it (light humor being friendly remarks about how I must be invulnerable to pain lol). It really eases the atmosphere when you feel your friend accept you for who you are.
In short. LOVE YOURSELF. When you do, people will not be afraid to love you to. I know it's a cliche, but beauty IS only skin deep. The real attraction is what's inside.
Don't worry, your father will come around. He just doesn't understand what's going on. It took some time for mines to accept it as well. Just sit down with him and talk it out. What father wouldn't want to hear about his daughter's life?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 May 2012):
One of the nicest girls I ever met had an accident with a glass window one that scared her on her cheek. And let me tell you, there was never a time where she didn't have an admirer.
I would say this:
Psychical scars matter a lot less to someone than mental scars. At some point, a guy will ask you about the scars on your arms, and they will perhaps worry him. But that will be because he's more worried about how you are mentally, and whether you've faced the problems that made you do all that in the first place. If you are over those problems, and on the mend, then you'll be fine and you'll never be short of interested men who will completely overlook those scars.
If, however, you are not over those problems, then that will be what causes a man to walk away.
As you say, you're dealing with those issue, so it won't be a problem.
What is a shame is that your father was so callous in what he said. He's entirely wrong to say what he did, and perhaps his reaction gives us a little insight into why you have had these problems. My own father is as cold as ice, so I know what it's like to have problems and have someone make it worse. I also know what it's like to move on from those problems too.
Forget what your father said, and continue to focus on yourself and your life. At some point, the right guy will come along and he'll listen, understand and then not worry about the scars. Any guy who treats you otherwise isn't worth the time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 May 2012):
 I have more scars then the average person for sure, all because I have always been a tad clumsy mixed with having no fear. One of them is on my wrist from the hand almost to the elbow (underside of the arm) from walking through a glass door (not on purpose lol) And I have had people look at it and then me and giving me funny look, I guess becaue they thought I had tried to commit suicide. But you know what? I don't give a rats ass, people who knows me, knows why I have it and those who "dare" ask get their curiosity fulfilled.
I am not ashamed of my scars.
Neither should you be.
You dad is wrong, but I think he said that in a feeble attempt to stop you from cutting yourself again.
The scars are NOT who you are, just how you (for a while) coped with things.
A good guy will be able to see past the scars and see YOU for who YOU are.
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A
female
reader, curious1987 +, writes (27 May 2012):
 Hi. id just like to suggest if you do not like the scars, try bio oil on them. if won't work instantly; but it will made them a lot quicker then normal. Also if someone's cares for u they won't be too bothered by the scars, maybe just curious about them. :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2012): Two of my ex's , one with scars on both arms from wrist to shoulder through self harm, and the other with a burnt right hand/arm where one of her ex's threw acid on her and she also had quite a big noticeable scar on her chest too between her cleavage from a heart op (both of which happened before we met) but in both case's neither of these things bothered me because I loved them both respectively for the person inside not for what's on the outside :) Obviously you will find that people find it off putting, not everyone will some people are more open minded and understanding than others. I would suggest if you're thinking about dating, to meet guys as friends first, tell them about your past and your scars, and see how they react, if they accept you for everything you are, and not run a mile from you like you're some kind of monster, then I'd say that's a positive thing and a good place to start focusing when considering a possible partner. If they judge you and run a mile - forget it, they aint worth it!
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (27 May 2012):
 I have plenty of pale scars on my wrist. They mostly go unnoticed and even when men do notice and understand, it doesn't stand in the way of dating or a relationship. It never has. I think your father's opinion is incorrect. He probably said that to dissuade you from repeating such a thing in the future.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 May 2012):
 Totally not true.
One of my best friends is a level headed, successful woman who also has a loving , happy marriage,- and several very pale streaks ( the scars fade in time ) which I always thought were stretch marks ( then again, yeah, stretchmarks on your arms ? I should have guessed ) which go back to her teen years when she was depressed, anorexic , and self harming.
Everybody at some point in life can enter into long, dark tunnels- and come out succesfully in the sun at the other end.
Of course, your scars may raise questions and curiosity, and you need a compassionate , intelligent guy to understand what happened and why. But, well, if he is not compassionate and intelligent, he is not a man worth having around anyway :).
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