A
female
age
30-35,
*lue9595
writes:I'm getting married next summer to the love of my life. We have been together almost 3 years and I love him so much. I'm 21 he is 30. I got engaged last year and booked my wedding but my family are so disinterested. My mother and father hate social gatherings, my 2 sisters are bitter and my brother just doesn't care. My first sister married and is now separated. She always told me our other sister was her favourite and also told my niece she is not coming to my wedding because of a fight that happened 6 months ago. when i got engaged she laughed and asked me if I pregnant. My other sister can't afford to get married due to a lot of loans she took out in her 20's putting her in financial debt. When i told her i got engaged her guy said that they are happy not married and he didnt even congratulate my fiance until my sister told him to.My brother even asked 2 weeks ago was it this year we are getting married. My problem is that I am so quiet and shy and i also suffer from clinical depression and i find it hard to ask them, "do they care?". I thought families would show some interest but mine don't. No one asks me how they can help. My two bridesmaids who are my sister and niece don't even want to be bridesmaids but i begged them as i don't have anyone else. I was getting to a stage of even thinking of going to buy my wedding dress on my own because I would feel awkward if they came, because i know they don't care. I even didnt want a hen party because im embarrassed if no one wants to go. I'm afraid when i get married that all i'll be worried about is how bitter and unhappy they are for me. My fiancee wants us to cancel the hotel and church and go to italy instead so i won't feel any worry and just be happy. My heart says yes but my head says no because we've told so many about where we are to get married, what would you do? Deep down i'd rather spend the money on us than people who don't give a care about me .
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (3 March 2015):
 If your family aren't bothered then go abroad and do whatever you want without having to compromise. Big weddings are really expensive. What's the point if neither you nor your family will enjoy it?
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (2 March 2015):
 When I got married (back in the 80s) we did it up the traditional way and had 100 people with the meal, the speeches, etc. It was good because the people there (for the most part) cared about us. Would we do it again? No way. It was a huge amount of money to throw a party for ourselves. Even though it was the "done thing" at the time it still felt odd.
We would encourage our kids to elope, or have a JP to our home, and take the money we would spend in the whole traditional thing and use it for the downpayment on a home.
I agree with the others - this is about the marriage, not the trappings. From the sounds of things your family will do nothing but put a damper on things, and stress you out. Is that fair to your husband? It's his day too. Go to Italy and start your marriage off on a good note.
Congrats!
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (2 March 2015):
 why spend money entertaining such a miserable lot? Some people become so used to being dismissive and rude that over time they appear to live in a rut of unpleasantness.Sometimes people wonder why some people choose to have a small private wedding. They have their reasons and a disinterested family may be one of the reasons behind their decision.I think your fiance has the right idea. If you want to create a memorable private wedding then check out the legal requirements of the couple and of the person overseeing the marriage in the place where you and your fiance choose - some states and countries require that you have established residency in their jurisdiction for at least a month. Then enjoy a holiday in the place you have chosen. As a couple you and your fiance are creating your own happy memories. For a lifetime of happiness together. Make it beautiful, joyous, memorable and positive to reflect the way you and your fiance intend to live for the rest of your lives together.Don't allow others to poison your happiness with their negativity.For you know that you deserve better than that.Choose somewhere lovely. Wear what makes you happy. Try one of the lakes in north italy. You could not find a more romantic setting. Ask someone to take some photos for your memories.Do not feel guilty.Your own family are not guilty about their own actions.It's your wedding. You can write your own vows.Personalise it just for the two of you.Wear exactly what you want.Weave some spring flowers into your hair and fashion a bracelet of real flowers to wear on your wrist. Yes some family do become so jaded that it's better that you and your man move on together and put all the stops and together create the romantic loving happy marriage that you aspire to have.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (2 March 2015):
 The only thing which should matter in this situation is if YOU are happy... and if you are happy then your families opinions should not matter.
Its not your fault that your sister and niece don't want to be a part of your wedding, if they want to choose to be like that then let them!
It is your special day and no one else's, and I know it must be hard to not have your family supporting you, but that is what families are meant to do! They are meant to be happy for you and they are meant to support you, and if they are going to be ungrateful at the fact you wanted them to be involved then that is their decision.
I personally thinking going to Italy would be a wonderful decision. It would make your special day ten times better, and it would simply be between you and the one who you love, which essentially is what weddings are all about. Don't bend to please others and do what you want to do... go and make some lovely memories and cherish the moments you have with him. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 March 2015):
 OH go elope. it's not the wedding that matters it's the marriage.
my first wedding was a full blown affair... music, dress, bridesmaids the whole thing... yeah two kids and a divorce later i have some pictures no one ever looks at.
best wedding... we went to vegas, I wore a lovely non wedding dress... we took folks out for a meal and had a blast.
where you marry and all the stuff that goes with it is less important than who you marry.
you are not getting married for anyone but you and your fiance. do what you two want and the hell with everyone else.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 March 2015):
 I would do just exactly only what pleases ME ( or US, I and my husband ). Being that it's MY wedding, and hopefully it will be my first and last, ( nobody ever starts thinking they may end up divorced so if they don't get it right the first time, oh well they'll do better the second ) then it's important that I, and I only, can make choices I am comfortable with, and suit MY budget, mood and expectations.
I would make sure , though, in all honesty , to check how deep is the " deep down ". If it is a sincere wish or a reactive wish.
I'll try to explain : if you feel that deep down, you'd be happier disposing of all the fuss and just sort of eloping to Italy, then do exactly that.
But if " deep down" you want to do this as a sort of pay back for your relative's indifference, a way to piss them off and punish them, a " this will show them , nyah nyah nyah "- then it is reactive, not active.
You bring the focus on them, not on yourself, and you are making your wedding about other people, not about you and your husband.
Try not to take things so personally . Sure it would be nicer if your sisters could show some cheer and overcome their dislike of weddings even just to humour you up. That might have happened if you had had a closer relationship, or maybe if they had had better experiences and memories about wedding. But, it is what it is. So why would you have to ruin YOUR big day and big event because your guests do not feel all fired up about it. Their problem.
I understand what you mean, I guess, that they SHOULD do an effort- can't say you are wrong. Like, I am not even Catholic and by now I cannot count how many Catholic ceremonies ( christenings , weddings, confirmations, etc.eyec. ) I have attended, nice respectful and with a big smile on my face, even if all the ado meant nothing but a waste of time to me. I just wanted friends and relatives to be happy, so I played along. From this point of view ,your family is being true to themselves and their feelings ... but a bit selfish, yeah.
On the other hand , though, I feel that you are buying a lot into the mediatic and comercial frenzy built aeound weddings nowadays. As if every woman should swoon at the idea of bridal gowns and bouquets and silver placeholders and all the hullabaloo, and could not wait to be iinvolved. Believe me, it is not like that . There's a good percentage of normal women who are deeply bored by the details and organzations and praparations of a wedding , and , unless maybe it's THEIR wedding, can't focus their attention on this stuff and don't like being involved.
It's one of those things that MAY be exciting when it happens to you, but just induces big shrugs if not big yawns when it refers to other people. This too is a normal and common reaction, even if most people manage to muster some squeal of delight , to not rain on the future bride's parade.
Plus, there's the half full glass : we get posts from frazzled future brides reduced to nervous wrecks by everybody in their families wanting to butt in and to meddle and to share every step of the process. That's worse , IMO. Think of all the freedom you get, to do things exactly your own way without interferences, in case you should decide to go ahead with the formal ceremony. Priceless !
Btw, ss for choosing your wedding gown in a group- what can I say, that must be a modern thing . Or something that we all learned from American TV ?... I have seen too a couple of those silly " bridal " shows where the bride goes to choose her dress with a busload of friends, I can only say that this custom is alien to me, in my country and times one used to go alone, or just with mom at most..... because the dress was supposed to be a surprise for EVERYBODY. I picked by myself my own dress and I know hundreds of women who did and do the same- we all survived :) without sense of discomfiture or awkwardness, in fact it's MORE exciting having a secret !
Whatever you choose to do, ... do what feels best and right for you personally - and best wishes !
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 March 2015):
 Let me weigh-in here, too.....
If you and B/F want to be married, then go ahead and tie the knot. This has NOTHING to do with your family.... AND, there's no shame in eloping.... Go to Italy...
P.S. I had a friend/couple who had a similar experience, EXCEPT their's was the mirror of yours'... in that their families were ecstatic about their getting married, and the prospective size and complexity of their wedding doings got overwhelming. I suggested that they and me (and G/F) and another couple go to the B.V.I. and spend a week sailing... and they get married whilest we were there. It worked like a charm....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 March 2015):
 I think eloping is fine, getting married is about YOU TWO - not anyone else, really.
So, if you BOTH rather elope, do it.
If you family isn't really into weddings and you actually HAD to BEG them to be there for you, do you still think you owe them anything?
I would just let them all know that you two have decided to elope. (if that is what you want).
I actually went dress shopping alone. My mom had to cancel and my best friend got put in the hospital the day before. They were the ONES I wanted to share that with. I ended up going alone and it wasn't bad at all. The owner was awesome and I actually found my dress as the second one she located after we talked shape/color/style. She even LET me put it on hold so my Mom could see it before I bought it.
A friend of mine had her 2 sisters, her mom, SIL, MIL with her shopping for the dress and she didn't find one after 4 hours because she felt it was just too stressful with ALL those opinions. Her and I went shopping and found one after she had tried on 3. I was there to SUPPORT her not judge her taste in dresses, colors or whatnot. So I just LOVED everything - which made her stop doubting herself.
Do what you think will make YOU (and your fiance) happy... You can't please everyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): Listen to your fiance' Go to Italy on a romantic adventure with the man you love. You can't force people to care about things they don't; nor should you torture yourself over it. You know your family, and all their issues. They're not going to change over-night.
Maybe thinking they don't care about you is pushing it, and being a bit melodramatic. I think they just aren't enthusiastic over weddings. Period!
You've got your issues, they've got theirs.
Do what will make you happy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): I think your boyfriend is right- Get married in Italy and have fun just you and your partner. Its supposed to be about you two, so don't let other people effect your enjoyment of it!
If you want to include your family, just have a party/gathering with them when you get back.
You can't choose family, but they are the only ones you get. So I would be civil with them and keep things nice, but the wedding would be all about me and my partner having a great time! Congrats to you
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