A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I would like to know if this man likes me, he is older than myself I'm 26 and he is 50. I know him from Church and he has always been really lovely to me when we speak he always strokes my back or arm at some point. I have caught him staring at me across the room. I had a break from church for personal reasons and I was told he was asking for me every week. Then today I came back and he smiled at me as soon as he seen me but didn't get a chance to approach me as the minister's wife dragged me away for a chat. The problem is he is married but separated his wife attends another church now. Even if they are separated down to our believes we can't act on it. What do we do? Do you think he likes me or not? Would I be wrong if I did date him?
View related questions:
a break Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): Reading your questions and your additional information. I can see so many red flags here. You have stated you had an unsettled home life and absent parents so this man has filled their role by playing, "dad" he advised you on a lot of life choices which should have been your Dad. So you see him as a security blanket.
Also you have had your heart broken by your daughter's father which has stopped you having relationships with men your own age so turning to this man.
Here is a few things to think of though is he really the security blanket you think?
You have told us he has walked out of his current marriage. Does he have children how do they feel?
I think you need to take the rose tinted speckles off. Who's to say he won't do the same to you and your daughter or more if you have a child with him, he has previous!
You want security for you and your daughter as I hear you say he advises you, helps you ect.
Do u get butterflys in your belly for him, do you want to make love with him? You don't talk romance when you are telling us information on him.
As man I can tell you
he wants a nice young girl to wake up to, show off and stroke his ego. I see why he wants you, but if he does give u the same fire in your belly then don't go there!
Think long and hard on this. Take the rose tinted specks off and listen to the advice you have been given.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not that close to my own father as he was absent from I was 8 to 21. My Aunt & Uncle brought me up but my Uncle worked away so yes I know what you are thinking I grew up without a male role model. Just a lot to think on here.
I get a sense of security from the man and I know he has been there for me as a friend though we haven't crossed the line it is only recently lines seem to have blurred. Yes I do have feelings for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (26 January 2015):
 How's your relationship with your father? My Dad gave me advice about college, career, real estate etc...he was always there when I needed him. Now my husband and I had to learn some things from the ground up, fixing the sink, diapering a baby, how to take care of chicken pox, and now 40 years later we are learning about retirement options and healthcare. We have had a blast doing all this together. He'd already be dead if we had the same age gap you are looking at.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know the gap is big but in a way it has always been a good thing as he has always been there to offer me advice on things like College, starting my career off buying my first flat. What's in it for me? Someone with experience at life. I didn't include in my original post I have a little girl already who's 2. I fell for a guy my own age and he was a big mistake, I don't regret my daughter just the situation around that, but again this man was a rock for me through all that. I think that is what is making me fall for him. He has always been there when I needed him and I have felt the shift from close friendship to something more I just wasn't sure he was feeling it too. In think going by the responses he is.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 January 2015):
Do you want to have children? Do you want to grow old with someone? Make a LIFETIME of memories with someone? In 10 years you'll be 36 and just entering your prime...he'll be 60 and looking at retirement. Add another 10 years and it looks grimmer. You didn't indicate what country you are in so it's hard to figure out the divorce laws but his wife may or may not be able to hold up the divorce. Sorry but I just don't see any upside to this situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 January 2015):
 He met you when you were 19 and him, 43. It still doesn't sound right for me. You haven't had sex but he had been having a fantasy of starting a new life with you long time ago.
If he has applied to a divorce, it will be final after one year even if his wife doesn't agree with it.
Is there no other guy for you between age 19 and 26? Are there no other choices besides this 50 year old man?
You are worrying about the moral side to this, but what sticks out to me more is "what's in it for me?"
You can't help how you feel, good. Is there no other man, ever, that can make you feel loved and make you happy? What does he have that other men don't, that you are willing to forsake other men?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has applied for a divorce but his wife isn't agreeing to it, I know they live apart and she refuses to attend our Church now. I don't know all the legal side to what's going on. All I know he wants a divorce and she doesn't. I know his wife has issues with me even though I we haven't acted on how we felt but I have always been close to him,I was 19 when he came along to our Church and now I am 26 so it isn't something that has just sprung up over night. I know how the church feel about divorce and that a promise infront of God shouldn't be broken, which is one of his wife's reasons for saying no. but you can't help how you feel even though I know the stick we will get if we act on it. Yes it is complicated.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): Can you wait until the divorce is final; so there is no interference from his wife, or any possibility he still has feelings for her? From your response to janniepeg, it appears there must have been something going on all along. I guess your mind is already made up. You did ask!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): Based on his age, no nothing wrong in dating an older guy. That's not the problem. Only problem is that he is still married. I would ask around and delve a little deeper into the status of his marriage. See if anyone has got the real scoop on what is going on between them. If they are, in fact, through and headed toward divorce then it is quite alright to keep him as an option to date.
I know a few people who have fallen for a guy that was both considerably older and seperated from his wife. In each case it worked out fine and they are now married.
The biggest obstacle you may face is if he is still in love with his wife and would like to reconcile his relationship. In this case, he may flirt with you and have some sort of tryst with you but he will be emotionally unavailable.
I wouldn't write him off altogether but I would tread carefully, get all your facts, before investing emotionally in him.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (25 January 2015):
 Mopinion is; he finds you attractive and like all men that I know would like to fulfill a fantasy of older man younger woman. However, be warned. If he is married (I know but separated) I repeat, IF he is married then it is not OK to date him. even if he's the nicest guy ever, it is still wrong to "lead him on" or jepardize another woman's marraige.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2015): It is best to date "separated" people; when their divorce is settled and final. When all their emotional-attachments have been severed as well. There are too many unanswered-questions and unresolved-issues otherwise. There is still a spouse in the picture. With that comes a lot of drama. Messing around with "separated-people" in a church environment, is food for gossip.
Nothing can be more irritating and destructive than judgmental "church-people."
Learn to tell the difference between a flirtation and a man "coming-on" to you. Flirtation doesn't necessarily lead to anything, and is fairly innocent. It is commonly exchanged between people without any ill-effect. Unless it is too frequent, and in the presence of someone they're committed to. Then it's not just flirting. It's disrespectful. It's crossing a boundary.
"Coming-on" often conceals a hidden-agenda. It has a covertly disrespectful undertone. His touching you was inappropriate, and rubbing your back was a slick way of crossing a boundary without being obvious. janniepeg is quite correct in every word she wrote.
Just because he goes to church doesn't automatically clear him of being capable of "coming-on" to you like any other man. You left the church you claim for "personal-reasons."
A church is supposed be a sanctuary from grief and personal problems. Unless the church contributed to the grief and personal problems. Then it makes no sense to return. Leaving a place of refuge makes no sense on many levels.
Your long absence and sudden return lets him know something is wrong. He may have learned things through gossip. That leaves his concern ambiguous in nature. The sudden interception by the minister's wife, may have been a "Divine intervention." She may have privy to personal things about him. His failed-marriage may have been counseled by the church. What she knows is held in confidentiality. Yet to be considered, if he is showing too much interest in a young woman half his age; and flirting on the sly. You're old enough to make your own decisions; but make decisions with your eyes wide-open.
Let him get divorced first; then there is less likelihood other complications will enter the situation. Stay out of arm's reach, your vulnerability is misreading his signals and you are searching for "fatherly-comfort." If you're not getting that, go to the proper source. Your father, or prayer.
If you are having family problems; professional and spiritual-counseling is a good place to start. Not by being pawed by an older-man, with a divorce in-progress. You even know his wife. Have a little respect for her feelings, and protect your own.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all please don't call him some,"old fart" yes he is 50 but doesn't look it, he has also been there for me over the years. Just lately we have felt this shift.
Thanks for your answer but no need to insult him he isn't some random man or a guy I met in a bar, he is someone I have a lot of time for.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 January 2015):
Yes it would be wrong. Some couples spend their separation weighing the pros and cons of staying married versus being single. The old man wants to test his marketability to see if there's a soft cushion to land on if he gets a divorce. If he finds that his chances of getting into a relationship is slim, then he would settle for his wife. I know why old guys would like a younger woman but what I don't get is why would you want to be with an old guy. What you like, may be the attention and the flirting. That could be any guy. Why does it have to be that old fart? What if you find out the reason for the separation is that he has mid life crisis and can't face old age? Just because he's from the church doesn't mean he's any more decent from guys you meet elsewhere.
...............................
|
