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Would it be cruel to leave him. Or could it do him some good? I'm terrified of what'll happen if he continues like this.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Dating, Family, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 April 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 8 May 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I'm between a rock and a hard place and I really need some advice.

My boyfriend has always smoked weed. At first it was just once or twice a month when he would hang out with a particular friend. I didn't like it but he never did it in front of me and apart from his clothes smelling of it when he did do it, it didn't affect me.

Then he started bringing it to my flat which I put a stop to straight away, I just don't do drugs. If someone else wants to do it fine, but I don't want it near me or around me. I have smoked it in the past but I grew out of that part of my teens a long time ago.

Anyways, my boyfriend respected my views and didn't bring it to my flat but still began to smoke it more and more and began trying other drugs.

I really love my boyfriend but I'm convinced that he has become addicted to smoking weed, at first it was just with a friend and now he does it every night and has started trying other drugs on nights out or with friends.

My mum has told me that he is no good and to get rid of him but I don't want to leave him just because he has a problem and needs support.

I've tried speaking to him time and time again but he just says he doesn't have a problem and to 'f**k off'. His mum has spoke to him and gets the same reply.

We have been together 2 years and 5 months and as much as I love our time together, now he is just drugged up or sleeping that it's not really him.

At first we would do things constantly, we always had a laugh and we shared so many interests.

Same football teams, same sports, some hobbies...He was great to be around, really loving and caring but now he is just like a potato.

I guess what I'm asking is would it be cruel to leave him, or could it even do him some good?

View related questions: drugs

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015):

The weed does not worry me as much as him telling you to f off.That is how an abusive relationship starts.You need to leave him now because next you will be saying he only hits me when I make him because I get him mad at me.You are being verbaly abused already.Why stay?Get out now.

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A female reader, LiveAnnLearn Serbia +, writes (3 May 2015):

LiveAnnLearn agony auntIt's so sweet and loyal of you that you're taking his point of view into consideration, I can imagine it's not easy to break up with someone who you've been together for so long just like that.

I think it might do him good, as long as you clearly point out he was a great boyfriend and you love him but his drug habits are starting to make him a changed personality you don't enjoy hanging around, you hate watching what he's becoming etc. everything you say should be with the emphasis on "you're great, drugs are bad".

Even if he doesn't take anything positive out of it right away, he might in time.

As much as I think it's great that you want to help him, keep in mind he's a grown man and making his own decisions in life. You can offer him friendly support in quitting, but it's basically all up to him and something he has to decide to start doing on his own.

Being that you have absolutely no influence over when and what he's taking, there's really no way for you to support him by staying in a relationship with him. Breaking up might help him realize what he became, and either way it's a change, which is always the only reasonable thing when things aren't good the way they are.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (1 May 2015):

Ciar agony aunt'Help and support' in these situations is often a euphemism for ceaseless nagging and that doesn't work on anyone. He's quite content doing what he's doing and pestering him to quit will only lead to fights. Leave it alone.

Rejection and disappointment are a part of life and you can't sacrifice your well being trying to protect someone else from these setbacks. We handle them, we learn then move on. He can and will too, sooner or later.

If his drug use has become intolerable for you, then don't tolerate it, but don't back him into a corner. YOU walk away and if he begs you to stay, don't take him back until he's been clean for at least several months. We reward people for results, not the effort.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (1 May 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntThere is no cruel or not cruel here. There is you taking care of you and him taking care of him.

YOU taking care of YOU MAY impact on him. It may not. You don't do what you need to do FOR him. YOU do what you need to do for yourself.

If you don't want to be with a guy who smokes weed you leave.

IF he wants to be with you he will figure out how to stop smoking weed.

But you leave to take care of yourself and because you have a boundary that says "I do not date someone who smokes weed"

if you stay you tell him it's really ok and you are only talking the talk. It means that essentially anything you say or do means nothing since you say 'no weed" and yet you stay...

Assume he's not going to change anything and go on your way.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 May 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI'm sorry.

You can not FIX this guy with "love" and "support", specially NOT when he doesn't think he needs help. The F**K You! is pretty clearly him telling you that he DOESN'T WANT/NEED help (in his eyes). So getting him help would be pointless as he would just sabotage it.

I don't think it would be cruel to leave. I think it would be CRUEL to stay. FOR you, but also for him. I know you hope that he will realize losing you is not worth doing drugs, I doubt it will... BUT at least you will be able to live the life YOU want to.

I get being tolerant of others, I think it's a good trait. But there are times where it goes from being a tolerant person to an enabling one.

YOU are putting him ahead of you. You are making excuses for him. NEITHER will help EITHER of you.

I'd say WALK away, CUT the contact 100% and move on.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (1 May 2015):

YouWish agony auntYou don't leave someone to "do them some good". You leave them because you need to move on, and his heavy drug use has made him no longer good for you to be around him.

You're not his therapist, and if you stay with him, you sign off on his behavior. You're right - you're not in high school anymore, and your choice in partners must now reflect that. If his response to you is "F*** off", then you have your answer.

You can't change people, even by breaking up. If you leave him, it must be no contact. No "Let's stay friends" hanging-on, otherwise you are a mere paper tiger.

If you break up, you do it all the way and for you. Whatever your decision is, you must not deceive yourself. He will not change.

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