A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've finally come to terms with my own sexuality as being gay, and I feel as if my parents already have an idea however they're always making a joke of it and have made it quite known that it's not something they agree with!Is it wrong to not tell them? As this would be ideal, i never take open to them so I would much rather just not tell them. Similarly, how would I go about telling my friends? This Is the biggest concern as still being at school it could lead to so much sh*t which is not needed at this point in my life. Would it just be best keeping it to myself for now? How do I deal with this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (4 February 2014):
 i'm a gay female, myself. however, i didn't fully realize my sexuality until after i was 18, and i didn't come out until i was 22. so you're way ahead of me in this regard.
one thing i've noticed is that coming out in high school is much more difficult than coming out in college or simply after high school. kids in high school are much more immature and unable to see things from outside of the box. they tend to think that there's only one way to live life, and if you deviate from that path, you're "weird" and they make fun. it's simply a maturity thing.
for this reason, i don't necessarily think it's wrong of you to keep it a secret. your sexuality is nobody's business accept your own, and perhaps maybe your future girlfriends'. so if you're not ready to come out; dont.
as for keeping it from your parents - it doesn't make you a bad person. especially since they are being extremely unsupportive and hurtful about it. only tell them when you feel ready. and you will know when that time comes.
i've had many friends who came out to their parents and had them initially disown them, only to have them completely come around in less than a years time, and become huge supporters of gay rights. as a matter of fact, one of my best friends from college had her parents disown her when she initialy informed them of her sexuality. this summer, i attended thir wedding ceremony at her parents house, as they were the one's who arranged it all! it was amazing to see.
point being, you don't owe it to your parents to tell them. but eventually, you probaly should for two reasons.
1. because you should never be ashamed of who you are.
2. if you never tell them about your sexuality, they will never have a chance to embrace who you are. and it may inevitably drive a wedge between you and your family if you keep pretending to be someone that you're not.
as for your friends, the same applies. come out to them whenever you feel ready. if they are true friends, they will love you and support you no matter what your sexuality is. if they can't accept you for who you are, then they were never truly your friend in the first place.
you will figure it all out eventually. feel free to inbox me privately if you ever have any more specific questions.
good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): It all depends.
Do you think you are able to handle the backlash, if you give this information to the wrong person, or people?
If you are strong enough to handle name-calling and people who are homophobic, that don't care about your feelings.
You have to be strong if you come out so young. Some people have, and got through it okay. Some people don't fare so well. You need more time to mature ,and come to terms with who you are and your sexuality. Adults handle coming out better. I often get told by young people in the UK that they are adults at 16. Maybe legally. Coming to DC proves they still need help in dealing with very adult-issues; in spite of their perceived maturity.
I think you are too young to be outing yourself publicly; unless you know you are in an environment where people are kind and understanding. It's better to keep it between you and your parents at this early stage in your life.
Just because people know; does not mean they can accept it, or will handle it well.
Most kids your are are battling enough with bullies and peer pressure. This kind of personal-information in the wrong hands will make life more difficult for you. You are still growing and your mind is still developing. Taking on something so serious before you're ready, could be very traumatizing for you.
It isn't going anywhere. Give it a couple of years. Keep it in close-circles; until you are mature enough to deal with the consequences of exposing that you are gay.
People who are homophobic can be very cruel. No one is suggesting you be ashamed of who you are. Only that you had better be able to handle the reaction, if you want to tell everyone.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 February 2014):
 I don't know who you think you OWE coming out to. If you aren't ready for what comes with it, then take your time.
Like YouWish put so eloquently - it's NO ONES business.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 February 2014):
 Society loves labels. However, most people when it comes to sexuality tend to be fluid and changing. Especially in adolescence and early college, it's the time to explore individual sexuality. I believe you when you say you're gay, and most people recognize that they have same-sex desires as early as puberty (or before that even!), but since you are unique and ever-changing, accepting society's labels may actually be limiting to you at your age.
Your sexuality isn't anyone's business. It's private to you, and you owe no one any explanations or social obligation. All your parents ever need to know is whether or not you're pregnant, doing something illegal, or are being sexually abused in any way. If your parents have a "no sex" rule in their house, as some parents still do even in the 21st century, then that should be honored. However, your sexuality is yours alone. Given that you know their attitude towards you being gay is met with hostility, it's not dishonest to keep your sexuality private until you support yourself and have moved out.
Same thing with school - it's none of their damn business who you are attracted to and who you love. Sure, tell a close friend, but make sure you trust him or her implicitly. I'll give you a hint - if this friend likes to gossip or break confidence, don't tell them. If this friend likes to be vindictive towards ex-friends or ex-partners, then don't tell them.
You never mentioned if you're involved with any high school activities or not, but if you are, then if your parents start talking to you about guys to date or whatever, a good response (and actually an honest one!) would be that you're into **insert hobby** and don't have time for dating right now. Same with classmates, the old "I don't want to have to deal with the dating drama now" actually still works.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (3 February 2014):
Dear OP,
You have every right not to tell anybody unless you feel really comfortable. Your sexuality is your own matter and if you feel better keeping it a secret, that's okay for now.
If I was you, I'd see if there is one good friend you can trust. Maybe you can find out in advance how she/he thinks about gay people in general and how she/he reacts towards gay/lesbian topics. Then, if you're sure that friend is tolerant and gay-friendly, you can think about confessing this to someone.
Maybe there will come a time in your life, when you're more happy and everything's easier, when you want to tell your parents. For instance, after you've moved out or when you have your first girlfriend. It's possible that your parents are not that disapproving after all, but maybe they make jokes because they don't know how to address the topic otherwise.
I also recommend you find some gay/lesbian friends or people to talk to, maybe there is a community center for young LGBT people or a club where you can go? Or a website?
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (3 February 2014):
 I'm not gay. But this what I think is the best option.Stay in the closet. Finish growing up. Just say what I said while a teen "I'm just not into those girls (boys in your case) at school. Mess around with girls, but don't admit anything.Leave home and enter the real world. Now come out LOUD AND PROUD!This is why I think that is the best option.Your Friends: Teenagers suck. They hate and ridicule anyone who is different. They more likely than not, will exclude you and treat you like a freak. You don't need that right now.Your parents: They will probably keep trying to convince you that you are "just confused and haven't met the right guy yet". You also don't need this at your age.As an adult, your friends will be more mature and more understanding of who they are. If not, then it doesn't matter as your adult life tends to leave the child one far behind, thus you will make new friends anyway.Also as you don't live with them, you can come out to your family and wont be around to deal with them, coming to terms with it.You can also go out and be around other lesbians. Now I don't see what real option you have now.What ever you do, make sure it is right for you. And promise me if they send you to a "prey away the gay" camp, you will burn it to the ground.Good luck.
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