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Would it be acceptable to ask if our family could go again to their vacation home?

Tagged as: Family, Friends, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 September 2016) 12 Answers - (Newest, 25 September 2016)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I have known a couple for a very long time and used to see them often, but for the last couple of years it seems like they only want to get together once a year.

My family used to borrow their vacation house-- we haven't been in about 5 years.

Do you think it's okay to ask if we could go again? (They don't rent it out or anything at all, so no money is involved.)

Thank you.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (25 September 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt Uhm... the fact that you asked to borrow the house at least 20 times over the years may actually be the reason , or one of the reasons, why they choose to distance themselves from you.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (25 September 2016):

Perhaps they feel you're only friends because of the use of the vacation home. What have you done for them out of love, gratitude, and appreciation? I mean on a regular and continued basis.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (24 September 2016):

Your wife wants you to ask because she probably doesn't feel comfortable doing it herself. I wouldn't do it.

Like others have pointed out, you have been degraded to acquaintances and though you have borrowed their vacation home many times, it doesn't mean that you're welcome to do it again. If you want a chance of rekindling the friendship, I would reach out to them without asking for a favor.

Save up to rent your own vacation home instead.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I probably should have added that my family has borrowed their vacation house about 20 times over the years.

I was torn because I'm reluctant to ask but my wife wants me to. I guess the best thing to do is let them bring it up, which they probably won't, since for decades we would just ask.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2016):

Wow definitely don't ask. It looks really rude and like you are simply using them and are a freeloader.

They've been courteous to let you use it before, but you are no longer in regular contact and not really a close friend. Look online to hire a holiday cottage/home in the area if you like it there, or try somewhere new.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (24 September 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntFor a moment just forget about whether or not you should. The bigger question is, wont you yourself feel awkward asking someone for this big a favour when (a) you're not even going to be paying for it and (b) you've been downgraded to acquaintances by these very people?

I'm surprised you havent gotten the hint yet. They distanced themselves from you. That's a strong enough message.

Look, if it were me, I would personally not go anywhere that I cant afford. I'd rather stay at home than take favours or be a freeloader. Its not in good taste.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (24 September 2016):

Ciar agony auntI would definitely NOT ask. If and when they want others in their home or at their cottage they will invite you. It is very rude to put someone in the awkward position of saying no if they don't want you there. Even if you were very close to these people.

It is especially rude to ask when this couple may be trying to distance themselves. I think you've posted about them before.

Please show some common sense and basic courtesy here and don't ask. Make other holiday plans.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (23 September 2016):

Politely ask, but make them a monetary offer. You haven't been in touch for a really long time; so you're not as close as you used to be. They may have cooled off their connection with you for a reason.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (23 September 2016):

chigirl agony auntI would just ask. It might be what gets you talking and meeting again more often. But dont push it, if they give you no answer, take it as a no.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (23 September 2016):

mystiquek agony auntIts different if its family or a very close friend, but I wouldn't ask someone that I only see once a year and tbh if I was the couple I would be a little bit taken back if someone asked me that kind of a favor after having very limited contact. It just doesn't come across well. Wait to be asked or contacted.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (23 September 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Cindy.

You have gone from being good friends who hung out and did stuff a lot to seeing each other once a year... So I'd find a bit... weird to ask to borrow their vacation home.

One thing is if they OFFER to let you use it, that would be fine, but I just find it weird if you were to ask. Like the only reason you see them once a year is so you can USE their vacation home.... Yeah, that would not sit well with me.

A vacation house is a home away from home. Their home away from home.

Why not find a summer rental/all tear rental in that area and go enjoy a vacation there? Or another area you haven't explored? Off season rentals are usually a lot cheaper.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (23 September 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt I would think not.

Personally speaking, as a matter of fact, I would not ask this kind of favour to anybody . I would wait to be offered. Borrowing a house it's not like borrowing an umbrella, and bumming a vacation is not like bumming a cigarette.

But that's just me.

Anyway, this is the kind of thing that you ,ight ask to close relatives or close friends. Obviously not to people who, for whatever reason of theirs , have chosen to put some distance Between you and them, and to downgrade you to simple acquaintances.

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